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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be considering 2 days a week at nursery

127 replies

deliakate · 29/01/2010 18:16

for DS even though I am a sahm?

I don't think there will be a place available for him until he's 12 month, and by then, I hope to be just or very nearly pregnant with no. 2, so I figure I will need the rest. Is this a bit much to ask though?

OP posts:
inveteratenamechanger · 29/01/2010 20:50

at shake the tambourine of the precious moments mamas

you are always excellent value, sm

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/01/2010 20:51

megonthemoon I work full time and my DD has been at nursery (full time) since she was four months old. Fortunately, the nursery is fabulous and she loves it. I am single and receive no state or other support because I have a very good job.

I think you might have been a little over sensitive as nowhere did I say that a SAHM was a better mother than one who works.

I simply meant that he would have the benefit of time with his mum as well as nursery. Which is what your DC has too.

You probably won't like this but the opportunity to work part time and spend time with your DC is, in my opinion, a rather more priveleged position than my own!

WashwithCareAgain · 29/01/2010 20:52

I thought the steve biddulph book was all secondary lit review - but it is ages since I read it... The other sources are all based on peer reviewed journals.. but anyone I don't want to get into it...

I think the evidence is patchy... and you either feel persuaded by it or you don't. However, there's no point in pretending it doesn't exist...

Deliakate - if you wanted a 1 day a week nanny, you would probably find someone no bother... most mothers who use a nanny work part-time, so lots of nannies have a spare day.

A nanny for a day can be a good flexible option - she could turn up and look after both toddler and baby, while you go back to bed, for example! Or if you want to play with the children, she could get busy doing their ironing..

If you're open to the idea of a nanny, perhaps you might consider a live-in nanny who spends x days working for someone else, and y time working for you... or an au pair/mother's help....

And don't rule out a child minder - there are some really good ones out there..

lechatnoir · 29/01/2010 21:00

Assuming finances are not a deciding factor, I would definitely book him in for the 2 days but not actually send him all day especially whilst he's so young. You can drop him off & collect him anytime you want as long as it's within nursery hours & you tell them so he can vary depending on your need/desire for time off.
Childminder is definitely worthy of consideration especially for a baby (IME).
LCN

sungirltan · 29/01/2010 21:00

Hmm ok. Am I being a bit naive here or are some of the benefits of nursery that your child learns to play with/get along with/share with other children? Not to mention (after a fashion) beef up their immune systems? and play with toys they don't have at home? Which you don't get with a nanny/childminder?

(i am not against nannys/childminders etc - horese for courses and all that)

ImSoNotTelling · 29/01/2010 21:05

I would say don't put your DC in for more than you feel comfortable with. if you want a couple of mornings then find a way to do that rather than going for 2 whole days because it's what the nursery say.

lechatnoir · 29/01/2010 21:08

sungirltan few CM's care for just 1 child & IME have more toys than my local Toys R Us

chandellina · 29/01/2010 21:11

sungirltan, those things are all true but i think the debate centers on the under-2s or under-3s. the idea being that younger babies and toddlers need adult attention and relationships far more than they want or need socialising.
immune systems can be built through nursery, or playgroups or nanny visiting with other nannies and children, or even parents visiting with other parents and children when not working. not a big issue, IMO.
toys can also be found at playgroups and other families' homes!

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/01/2010 21:13

If CMs often look after more than one child, what's the difference between CM and nursery except that nursery (in the case of mine anyway) has teaching and structured play?

Also, with nursery, if one carer is ill there will be others there. I can't see how CM is better unless it's the cost?

Ekka · 29/01/2010 21:14

YANBU. I have a 16 month age-gap between dc and dd started with a cm for 11 hours a week when she was 15 months. I did look at nurseries, but was put off by having to have 2 full days a week - they told me she 'needed' to attend those sessions to ensure she was settled .

OP I would suggest you look at cm as well before deciding - it has worked fantastically for us, our cm trained as a norland nanny and is really great with dd. In fact we have just started sending ds (15mths) and even though he is really clingy he has settled in so well. The disadvantage over nursery is that if the cm isn't working or is ill then you do have to make other arrangements, but as a SAHM it isn't the end of the world and it doesn't happen that often. The plus side is its more like a home environment. Anyway, up to you!

scottishmummy · 29/01/2010 21:16

thing is the argy bargy "debate" is usually v polarised and re-enacted across mn ad infinitum

trust your on judgement deliakate
knowledge of your own son
your circumstances

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/01/2010 21:16

chandelina doesn't it then depend on the nursery? At my DD's nursery, the very young children (under two) have a two children to one carer ratio. And, often, it's one to one.

WashwithCareAgain · 29/01/2010 21:17

Suntangirl - the thing is children only really start to play with each other, socialise, learn to share etc when they are developmentally ready to do so... around 2 to 2 1/2 to even begin the process..

Babies younger than this like other babies, but they play alongside them, and their principle relationship is a bonded carer (which is why a constant childminder might be better than a nursery where staff turnover can be high).

As for beefing up immune systems... I would say no - you don't build up an immunity to conjuntivitis or the common cold... if you want to boost your babies' immune system, breastfeed instead.

In any case, a baby in a nursery is probably going to spend most of each day in the same room playing with the same limited toys - actually they are probably the same ones you have at home - as there are so many shake, rustle, rattle toys you can have for a toddler.

I would hope a CM or nanny would be going out on walk to the park, feeding the ducks, going to sing and sign classes and softplay etc.. so hopefully baby won't be too bored!

chandellina · 29/01/2010 21:17

CM offers a home environment. If you visit CMs and nurseries it is immediately apparent how much calmer a CMs is, even if there are several children about. IME, many nuseries have a chaotic feel. I find that to be a tougher environment for (many) babies.

MrsRigby · 29/01/2010 21:21

It's up to you.

Personally if I was a SAHM I wouldn't be sending my DS to nursery.

What would you do all day, watch TV?

chandellina · 29/01/2010 21:21

BDSM - That's great that your nursery had a 1 carer for two children ratio. I looked at five or six nurseries (in SE London) and every single one had a ratio of one to three. I would feel differently about one for two, though it also depends on how many children there are in all, IMO.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 29/01/2010 21:23

so depends on the child about whether socialising with peers is valuable or not - my ds was 4 and at school when he became ready. Tried nursery with him, it was hell for him so very quickly gave up.

However, a friend has her DS in nursery 3 full days a week and he accepts it very calmly

as scottish says, it is just so very personal and you just have to make your own call on this.

Personally, if it was simply a break I was after then yes I'd go for a mother's help, au pair, childminder or nanny in preference to a nursery for this age group. Based on my own experience of course which was that nursery was worse than useless for my ds!

chandellina · 29/01/2010 21:23

mrsrigby, i don't see how that is helpful. surely you accept that most women have much more to do than watch telly when their children are not around.

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/01/2010 21:24

chandelina I get what you mean! I chose DD's nursery because it was so calm and tranquil.

WWC a good nursery will have outside play every day (DD's has huge purpose built open fronted barn thing so they can go out in all weathers!); they walk by the river in very small groups (again, two children to one carer); they have chickens, rabbits and guines pigs to look after; have organic meals cooked on the premises by their lovely cook; do baking; etc etc.

I've no axe to grind on this - just get tired of the view that all nurseries are the same.

I'd love to be SAHM but not going to happen unless I win £25m (or even £2.5m) on Euro Lottery this evening!

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/01/2010 21:26

chandelina I couldn't afford the kind of care my DD gets if I still lived in London! I'm up north now and a lot of things are more, er, reasonably priced here!

dixiechick1975 · 29/01/2010 21:26

Yes i'd do it.

If DH can access a salary sacrife scheme through work the nursery fees you are paying for 2 days will be reasonable - especially if DH is a higher rate taxpayer.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/01/2010 21:28

Oh ROFL @ mrsrigby.

Yes obviously getting the toddler out of the house for an hour or two is an excellent opportunity to watch jeremy kyle.

Not stuff like catching up on housework, household finances and other paperwork, do the shopping, cook a nice big pie, soak in the bath, have a sleep, read a book etc etc etc

Plus OP is planning to be pregnant, and I found being pregnant and looking after a toddler hard work TBH. Am very pleased for those who find it a piece of piss though and never need a break.

chandellina · 29/01/2010 21:30

belledame, your nursery sounds lovely. Nursery was my original intention for my son, then I visited a bunch of them, started panicking about the dramatic change for him, and couldn't even get into most of them anyway because of the wait lists. He was at one for a little while, one day a week, and with a CM two days. Now he has a fabulous nanny we share with another family with a boy the same age and it's working perfectly for us.

WashwithCareAgain · 29/01/2010 21:32

BDSM I agree - it depends on the nursery.. a 2 to 1 ratio is unusual, and I think that alters things a lot.. also if the staff are constant too... It sounds like you have a fantastic nursery

The problem is a lot of nurseries are 1 to 3, and pay minimum wages, so staff leave all the time... not so good, I'm afraid!

ImSoNotTelling · 29/01/2010 21:33

WWC I just noticed you changed your name why is that?

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