To think my sister's engagement could have waited?

[ExpectingtoBU]

Ok, I probably am... but here goes.

My sister and her boyfriend have just announced their engagement, via text, from where they are currently on holiday. Something told me it might happen on this trip so I have been half-expecting the news.

We do not get on particularly well. I won't go into details, as it always sounds a bit petty when you only hear one side. But trust me, she's as nasty and manipulative as they come - just with an assassin's smile.

AIBU to think that announcing your engagement just days before another major event in your family - first grandchild for my parents - is not very good timing? She will arrive back from their trip about 3 days after my due date and I will doubtless be expected (by by mother mostly who thinks the sun shines out of her backside) to make a big fuss, even though she has shown precious little interest in my pregnancy from the start. AIBU to fear this will now be the absolute highlight of my parents' year and that her wedding plans will be the sole topic of conversation, completely overshadowing the birth of my baby?

She ruined Christmas for myself and DH. We ended up coming home early from my parents' house as she was behaving so badly, being so sulky every time the baby was mentioned, actually walking out of rooms when relatives asked me questions about my pregnancy, rolling her eyes and looking bored. She was exactly the same when we got married a couple of years ago - we couldn't even mention our wedding plans in front of her. She was very jealous.

I just feel a bit peeved that when my parents come to visit us for the birth of the baby, it will also be the first time they will see my sister to celebrate with her too. We don't ask for much, just wanted one special weekend that was all about me and my baby, that's all.

AIBU?

I've not read all the replies (cardinal sin numero uno)

I just really felt for you on reading your post. I am an only child and have never had that competition thing, but I DO have 2 children and they vie for my attention SOMETHING AWFUL!

This is all good news really. You're having the first grandchild, how wonderful.

Your sister is getting married! How fab. How lucky your family is.

I think that you feel she is "stealing your thunder" with this announcement. Don't worry about that, the moment your baby is here in your arms you will literally not give a shit. Your sister is the same age as me, she must be over the moon at her engagement.

I'm sure the whole eye-rolling-ignoring stuff that happened during your pregnancy was down to jealousy. What a tough emotion that is to deal with. As both the feeler and the feelee (God yeah!I made up a word and everything!)

Relax, feel happy, go with the flow.

Ok. I'm pleased that you have managed to deal with your family so maturely, AvrilHeytch.

But for many of us it's a long (and sometimes, it seems, impossible) process.

One of the really hard things about it is that it provokes behaviour in yourself that you dislike, which you know is not helping matters or moving things on, but everything is so entrenched that going either forwards or backwards appears impossible - 'in blood stepped in so far' and all that.

Almost certainly the OP's sister has her own version of events, and almost certainly the OP's behaviour over the years has not been faultless.

None the less it's clearly a painful and difficult situation. If it was as eay as just 'growing up' I suspect she would have done it some time ago.

'oh, and i leave rooms when people moan about ms or talk about their pg, i find it incredibly hard to be around pg women and new babies.'

Me, too. But not out of bitterness because of failed TTC, we had 3 children in 5 years and DH finally got the snip, but out of boredom.

Oh, yawn! The PFB syndrome is tedious in the extreme.

I mean, who cares? Millions of women get pregnant every year and have babies.

Zzzzzz.

I need to go an steal myself some thunder and limelight, my life is so dull.

Do you know waht Avril?
I really like that image of me, am making a mental picture to save on my internal hard drive!

Notanumber you are very wise. I have a relationship like this myself and have never heard anyone nail it quite as accurately as you. I hope the OP takes some comfort from knowing that a few of us get where she's coming from.

Someone died at my best friends wedding reception.
We were all so annoyed at him for steling her limethunder.

My Grandad had a heart attack at my mum's wedding, and then proceeded to have a 'turn' at every significant event until, miraculously, my own wedding. We became less than sympathetic after a while

you're not impartial about her news.both as attention seeking as each other

And all this 'first grandchild' shite. As if any reasonable person would love any person more than another because they are firstborn.

Hope you're not planning to have more than one, then, for their sake more than yours.

How incredibly sophomoric.

My sister had the first grandchild. I was about 22 at the time and couldn't have cared less.

I was too busy smoking pot I'd grown, climbing cliffs and shagging hot climbers to be bothered beyond doling out big gift vouchers to her and the baby and flying into my native city on frequent flier miles for all the travelling I was doing.

Hey, she was happy, so so was I.

It's a pretty sad state in life when you can't be happy for others.

YABU but so is she!!!

oh my farking slipper flipper!

I wish my only problem was somebody I dont manage to get on with announced their engagement.

Get your head out of your arse and face the world. You are lucky. You have a family who are fit and well, you have a husband, you are pregnant, and now your sister is also getting married. Totally frigging BU!

OP, I can recommend a book called Why Can't We Get Along? Healing Adult Sibling Relationships.

It's a sort of self help book, designed to help you:

• Communicate with and listen to your sibling
• Free yourself from past resentments
• Cope with your sibling?s selfish or inconsiderate behavior
• Support and comfort a sibling who suffers from mood problems
• Manage a sibling?s difficult personality
• Help your children avoid sibling problems

It's not easy in that -obviously, as you are the one reading it - the onus is on you to start making steps to improve the relationship (or at least stop the negativity surrounding it eating away at you), but it is good starting point for moving things forward.

Good luck. And more importantly, good luck with the birth! Enjoy your new baby.

Thing is you can't be part of a toxic family without being part of the toxicity yourself. Even if it is as an "enabler" you are still taking part and contributing to the overall problem.

Apologies if we've all moved on now... but I started reading this thread at the weekend and didn't get to post my comment. OP I really feel for you. Not because I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think you are being immature and selfish. But I totally sympathise with how incredibly easy it is to be that way in these situations. I bet you know you're being immature too. And I bet you hate yourself for it. I have sooooo been there.

You know nothing in the world will trump the birth of your child. You just feel angry that the sister who has always resented you, has never shown any enthusiasm for you or your life, has always tried to trump you, now APPEARS to be doing it again. You can't help but see it that way. The people on here saying how they would only be happy to hear if their sister was getting engaged are being a bit unfair. They obviously have good relationships. It's easy for them. And I bet if this was one of your good friends, you'd only feel happiness for them too.

I don't think you resent the engagement. And I don't think you are really worried that no-one will care about your baby! I just think you just resent what you think this symbolises and the message you think your sister is sending you by it.

FWIW this sort of crap made my head spin eventually and I just had to remove the individual from my life and all my thoughts. Yes, I see her at Christmas and on birthdays and we muddle through but just not giving her head-space anymore has turned my life around.

Good luck.

And BTW, those who said it's actually your sister who will lose out on attention, are right. Babies come before everything!