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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister's engagement could have waited?

144 replies

ExpectingtoBU · 29/01/2010 17:00

Ok, I probably am... but here goes.

My sister and her boyfriend have just announced their engagement, via text, from where they are currently on holiday. Something told me it might happen on this trip so I have been half-expecting the news.

We do not get on particularly well. I won't go into details, as it always sounds a bit petty when you only hear one side. But trust me, she's as nasty and manipulative as they come - just with an assassin's smile.

AIBU to think that announcing your engagement just days before another major event in your family - first grandchild for my parents - is not very good timing? She will arrive back from their trip about 3 days after my due date and I will doubtless be expected (by by mother mostly who thinks the sun shines out of her backside) to make a big fuss, even though she has shown precious little interest in my pregnancy from the start. AIBU to fear this will now be the absolute highlight of my parents' year and that her wedding plans will be the sole topic of conversation, completely overshadowing the birth of my baby?

She ruined Christmas for myself and DH. We ended up coming home early from my parents' house as she was behaving so badly, being so sulky every time the baby was mentioned, actually walking out of rooms when relatives asked me questions about my pregnancy, rolling her eyes and looking bored. She was exactly the same when we got married a couple of years ago - we couldn't even mention our wedding plans in front of her. She was very jealous.

I just feel a bit peeved that when my parents come to visit us for the birth of the baby, it will also be the first time they will see my sister to celebrate with her too. We don't ask for much, just wanted one special weekend that was all about me and my baby, that's all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AvrilHeytch · 29/01/2010 17:49

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Original poster
ExpectingtoBU · 29/01/2010 17:51

I said it was a planned engagement in response to all those saying she can hardly turn him down when he pops the question. My point is that they would both have known the date.

FWIW DH and I planned our engagement - I didn't know to the exact second but I knew it was going to happen on a special trip we went on. It had been my birthday (a big one) a couple of months earlier and I specifically told him not to do it then as it coincided with my cousin's wedding weekend and I didn't think that would have been fair.

OP posts:
londonone · 29/01/2010 17:52

Seriously, get a life. She is engaged she is excited she will have a wedding that may well be a fun event for many people who attend. You are having a baby, exciting for you and your parents, dull as shit for everyone else. Why do people think that everyone should be so excited because they have decided to have children?

Morloth · 29/01/2010 17:53

Seriously you sound like a couple of toddlers screaming and kicking on the ground cause Mum is paying attention to the other one or she got sprinkles and you got sauce.

Get over it. Move on, if you don't like your sister then minimise your involvement with her.

queenoftheslatterns · 29/01/2010 17:55

Im sorry but YABU, if your sister has wanted a baby for a long time then she is probably very bitter about pregnancy and pregnant women. happens to the best of us. just pop onto the conception forums and read some of the threads from the FTCers there.

you dont know when your baby will be born. as has already been said, it could be 2w late. that means that a woman who has had to wait a lifetime to find someone she loves and who loves her too. she knew he would propose, why SHOULD she keep a lid on it just so her little sister feels better?

and would you have prefered that it was announced when your baby was a newborn? would you not have complained that she was trying to steal your thunder then too.

damned if she does, damned if she dont!

RollBaubleUnderTree · 29/01/2010 18:04

'I didn't know to the exact second but I knew it was going to happen on a special trip we went on. It had been my birthday (a big one) a couple of months earlier and I specifically told him not to do it then'

You two sound so spontaneous and romantic! You accuse your sister of planning things!

Do you have a habit of rehearsing events in your head, how things are going to play out and how people will react. My MIL does that and it is incredibly irritating as you always get the impression you have let her down in some unspecified way by not reacting the 'right way'. She must have spent 50 years being disappointed.

MadameCastafiore · 29/01/2010 18:07

Grow up for Fecks sake!

Original poster
ExpectingtoBU · 29/01/2010 18:09

Hey RollBauble lots of people plan their engagements, nothing wrong with that. When you've been together for a long time you talk about these things, don't you? I'm not accusing her of anything bad by doing that. Just that she might have thought it was a bit close to the due date of her sister's baby, that's all.

But I am starting to feel unreasonable so I'm sure you are all right.

However, please god don't start having sympathy for my sister!

OP posts:
lockets · 29/01/2010 18:13

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RollBaubleUnderTree · 29/01/2010 18:16

I did not dicuss when we should get engaged with my DH, no. We discussed getting married sometime in the future. Then I got drunk and asked him in a tube station and then I was sick. See romantic!

I do find discussing the timing of getting engaged odd but maybe that is just me.

I don't feel sorry for your sister, I feel sorry for you both as there is obviously some crappy dynamic going on from your childhoods here which means you are stuck in this pattern of one upmanship. It is really common and really hard to resolve as it so ingrained.

AliGrylls · 29/01/2010 18:18

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do and I am completely on your side as I was in a similar position with my sister until a couple of years ago.

Getting pregnant is the most exciting thing that can happen. She is obviously very jealous.

It is hard but when they come round you can't appear as though you are pissed off with her. I am sure that your parents see through her act but don't say anything because of the rift it may create.

Nancy66 · 29/01/2010 18:22

You sound like a high maintenance pain in the arse...why should your sister not announce her engagement?

Original poster
ExpectingtoBU · 29/01/2010 18:28

Why am I high maintenance Nancy? For thinking it might have been nice if the happiness I will now extend to my sister over her engagement had been shown to me for my engagement and susequent pregnancy? Seems fair enough to me actually.

Why so many siding with my sister? Do you all really believe she has behaved fine based on what I have told you? Maybe I should have told you more.

OP posts:
zanz1bar · 29/01/2010 18:29

Sad, sad, sad, sad.

YABVU, and stuck in a childish competition.Grow up.

londonone · 29/01/2010 18:29

How completely weird to plan your engagement! If you have planned it then surely you are engaged!

londonone · 29/01/2010 18:30

expecting - YOu aren't extending any happiness to your sister, you are bitter and angry, any "happiness" you extend would be completely fake.

designerjooles · 29/01/2010 18:31

what a mess!
To me it sounds like what RollBaubleUnderTree said in regards to it being really common and hard to resolve as it is so ingrained.

But this is the thing - you can change this (and subesquently your) behaviour.

Even if your sister is trying to trump you - what should it matter? She sounds like she has been through some heartache and yes, is probably very jealous that you have been able to get pregnant etc - but why reciprocate those feelings?

You need to know in yourself that what matters most is that you will have a healthy baby and everything aside from that is secondary.

Maybe after the baby is born (and your hormones calm down) you can take your sister out to lunch and have a chat? Lay it all down (nicely) and try to move on. Family is so precious in life - and i know you know that - as you are busy creating your own - so why not try to mend it and treasure each other?

diddl · 29/01/2010 18:31

Oh, so, she wasn´t happy for you so why should you be happy for her?

What a nasty pair you sound.

Nancy66 · 29/01/2010 18:31

High maintenance because you seem to think everybody should be as caught up in your pregnancy as you are. Pregnancies (and hearing about them) are very boring for everyone else.

lockets · 29/01/2010 18:32

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
ExpectingtoBU · 29/01/2010 18:32

Fair point londonone. I don't deny that. But I still don't see why I am being criticised so much more than her, based on what I have said here.

OP posts:
zanz1bar · 29/01/2010 18:32

You do sound as if you \re keeing a mental score card of everything she has and everything you have like children counting out the sweeties to make sure no one has more than their fare shaRE

Morloth · 29/01/2010 18:33

It doesn't matter how she has behaved though does it? All that should matter to you is how you behave. And extending congrats through gritted teeth isn't quite the same thing as being genuinely happy for someone is it?

Also this: "However, please god don't start having sympathy for my sister!" is quite telling, why? Are you worried that even our attention is going to focus on her instead of you?

thisisyesterday · 29/01/2010 18:33

yes, you're being unreasonable.

her fiance proposed... what was she supposed to do?

your baby may not come for another 2 weeks after she gets back, so really... this is hardly planned is it? get a grip

Amapoleon · 29/01/2010 18:33

I think you are being PFB to be honest.