Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister's engagement could have waited?

144 replies

ExpectingtoBU · 29/01/2010 17:00

Ok, I probably am... but here goes.

My sister and her boyfriend have just announced their engagement, via text, from where they are currently on holiday. Something told me it might happen on this trip so I have been half-expecting the news.

We do not get on particularly well. I won't go into details, as it always sounds a bit petty when you only hear one side. But trust me, she's as nasty and manipulative as they come - just with an assassin's smile.

AIBU to think that announcing your engagement just days before another major event in your family - first grandchild for my parents - is not very good timing? She will arrive back from their trip about 3 days after my due date and I will doubtless be expected (by by mother mostly who thinks the sun shines out of her backside) to make a big fuss, even though she has shown precious little interest in my pregnancy from the start. AIBU to fear this will now be the absolute highlight of my parents' year and that her wedding plans will be the sole topic of conversation, completely overshadowing the birth of my baby?

She ruined Christmas for myself and DH. We ended up coming home early from my parents' house as she was behaving so badly, being so sulky every time the baby was mentioned, actually walking out of rooms when relatives asked me questions about my pregnancy, rolling her eyes and looking bored. She was exactly the same when we got married a couple of years ago - we couldn't even mention our wedding plans in front of her. She was very jealous.

I just feel a bit peeved that when my parents come to visit us for the birth of the baby, it will also be the first time they will see my sister to celebrate with her too. We don't ask for much, just wanted one special weekend that was all about me and my baby, that's all.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ExpectingtoBU · 29/01/2010 17:19

Folks, I certainly do not expect the world to revolve around my pregnancy. Absolutely not. I have just felt very sad that my sister has been unable to show any interest in it at all. We announced it in August. The first time I saw her was two months later at a family wedding. We had a meal with her and her boyfriend the night before and neither of them so much as said congratulations. The baby wasn't mentioned once until the very end of the night.

Surely this reflects worse on them than us?

But you're right, I do feel sorry for them. The dynamics in our family are not easy.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 29/01/2010 17:19

it's all a bit petty.

Having said that, my sister found out she was pregnant with her first child just a week before I gave birth to mine, and they held off announcing it until ds was a week old because they didn't want to steal our thunder (as she put it).

I wouldn't have expected her to hold off telling but it's about consideration really isn't it? So I appreciated that she'd thought about it, and she was only a couple of weeks further on and we could all be excited about ds having a cousin...

SixtyFootDoll · 29/01/2010 17:19

You sound as bad as each other to be honest.

AvrilHeytch · 29/01/2010 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

madwomanintheattic · 29/01/2010 17:20

well, her life will chug along whether you have a baby or not... tis a bit u for her to be so obviously anti, but there's nowt so queer as folk.

i was a bit peeved when dsis announced her engagement (to the bloke she'd been seeing for 6 months) a weekend before (now) dh and i were going to announce ours (after donkey's years lol). we put it off for six months (thought the pressure of forking out for two dd's weddings in a oner would finish off my dad)

there is still something about bog standard sibling rivalry that's appealing, even though i'm 39

DuelingFanjo · 29/01/2010 17:20

maybe your baby will be late and so won't appear until everyone is over the whole engagement thing?!

Northernlurker · 29/01/2010 17:20

Oh it's an aibu by stealth! I now feel sorry for your sister - has it occurred to yo that maybe she's desperate for a child and your wittering with relatives was like a knife in the wound?

RollBaubleUnderTree · 29/01/2010 17:21

You come across as two little kids tugging at your parent's coats and shouting 'no don't look at her, look at me!' You are about to have your first baby, don't you have better things to think about than whether her news was orchestrated to take the shine off? How could it possibly? Don't let it sour this magical as it really is once in a lifetime stuff.

Really sorry to be such a sour faced old hag...but I can see echoes of my relationship with my only sister here and it makes me sad because we wasted years on this sort of petty guff. Then my mum died, when my son, her first grandshild, was a baby and suddenly my relationship with my sister changed. All the petty crap was gone and what was left were some pretty uncomfortable thoughts about where it all came from in the first place. Then 5 years later our Dad died and my sister is now so important to me and my children and my only link to my past. I really wish we had not wasted years on playing games.

musicalmum43 · 29/01/2010 17:21

My brother had his engagement party on my 30th birthday - actually on my birthday. I had to go to his party instead of out with my mates.

thedollshouse · 29/01/2010 17:27

YABU. It isn't a competition.

Original poster
ExpectingtoBU · 29/01/2010 17:29

No need for that northernlurker I keep saying how we have done the exact opposite of go on about the baby. I'm so conscious of her sensitivity to it all (and I have felt hugely sympathetic towards her on and off for years actually) that I go out of my way not to talk about it. I can't help that a relative asked a question about my obvious bump, can I?

I have definitely not been rubbing her nose in it. But surely everyone can muster up the good grace to say the odd nice thing to somebody who is pregnant? Just congrats even.

RollBauble I totally agree. I have found our situation heartbreaking for a long time. I have tried and tried and tried to have a better relationship with her but she is so rude and uncivil towards us that, as you get older, you lose tolerance for it all. I really have no idea where it comes from other than plain old sibling rivalry.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 29/01/2010 17:31

This sort of thing makes me so querulous.

cory · 29/01/2010 17:32

So let's picture the scenario. Woman has waited for half a lifetime to find mr Right, finally He is here, they are on their romantic getaway and He Pops the Question, complete with ring and all. So what is she supposed to do? 'Oh no sorry, we really can't be doing this, you'll have to come back some other time, because my sister might feel it takes away attention from her'.

If I were him, I would have backed away very quickly from someone whose life was governed by what her family might think and who would put that before our love- think of the vistas that opens up for their life together (no, we mustn't do that/that/the other, you know it will upset your SIL/MIL/FIL/third cousin twice removed).

Your baby is the most important thing in the world to you. Her man is the most important thing to her. Hopefully, both your happiness is the most important thing to your parents.

Be happy that it is something positive. My FIL had a heart attack in our front room just after I had brought dd home from the hospital. And it did rather take attention away from the new baby.

wildfig · 29/01/2010 17:33

Shouldn't you be the one congratulating her, that now she's got the chance to have the husband and kids she's wanted for so long? I feel a bit sorry for her too.

LeQueen · 29/01/2010 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 29/01/2010 17:34

Perhaps your sister acts the way she does because you act the way do.

You seriously think she should have kept her engagement quiet because your baby is due soon?

But it´s not all about you and your pregnancy-er, OK then!

Original poster
ExpectingtoBU · 29/01/2010 17:35

There's no way on earth this was a spontaneous proposal. Trust me. It will have been planned to the location, lighting and background music. She knew the date.

Cory "If I were him, I would have backed away very quickly" Couldn't have put it better myself.

OP posts:
woodyandbuzz · 29/01/2010 17:35

Calm down. The birth of a baby is fabulous and does not compare with an engagement. Just get a congratulations card and present if appropriate and do your bit with a smile so that no fingers can be pointed at you.

You say she's horrible, I'll accept that - even if her motive is to try and trump the birth of your baby, she will fail miserably so don't worry.

Mumcentreplus · 29/01/2010 17:36

Sounds like sibling rivalry to me..and dont I know about that!..but be the bigger person its obvious your sister feels insecure..be happy for her..i know its hard when you have a manipulative sibling..you sound like the sensible one..

Hullygully · 29/01/2010 17:37

The fact that you don't find it funny shows that you are co-unreasonable with her.

QED.

SixtyFootDoll · 29/01/2010 17:38

Cory's post is spot on.
The more you post OP the pettier you sound.

diddl · 29/01/2010 17:39

The proposal would have been planned-so what?

Morloth · 29/01/2010 17:41

You both sound about the same to me. She is annoyed that you are getting attention for being pregnant and now you are annoyed because she is getting attention for getting engaged.

How old are you two?

Undercovamutha · 29/01/2010 17:42

Oh these types of AIBU are always a bad idea, because on the surface you do appear to be BVU indeed (not to mention a bit petty and childish!).

However, it is impossible for anyone to judge whether you really are BU without being party to all the different disagreements/incidents you have had with your sister over the years.

My advice would be to forget about it, and try to rise above it. It really will be all about your baby for a good while (forever, for you and your DH!). FWIW, my DSis got married last year, and my DD was centre stage even then!!!!!

TrillianAstra · 29/01/2010 17:43

YABU, as expected. Of course.

Complain about your sister all you like, you don't decline a proposal, or insist on keeping it a secret, just because your sister is heavily pregnant (whethe ryou get on or not).