Feeling desperately worried about having to be default carer for my elderly and ill MIL...

[littletree]

Long story that I shall try to compact:

MIL is 80 and has Parkinson's. She lives 2 hours away from us. She divorced DH's father when he was a child. She has two children- DH and evil SIL. Evil SIL lives in same village as her but is usually swanning off on holiday with her wealthy partner and therefore not a reliable helper for MIL. She does help but not with any consistency. MIL lives on her own in a terraced house and has nice neighbours and another elderly friend that lives a couple of doors down. This arrangement has worked fine up until just recently when thre have been a couple of incidents when it was clear she was not ok on her own.

She is a very nice lady with a gentle nature but of course like all of us she has her faults. She can be nagging to DH and irritate the hell out of him and can hover and nitpick.

She also throughout our marriage has come to stay with us for extended periods of time which drives me bananas. She comes for a week to two weeks at a time totalling around 2 months of the year. I am fine with this for the first 3 days but after this I feel like I am going out of my skin! I can not stand having someone else in the house for that length of time. I feel suffocated and my smile starts to droop and I become a bit snappy.

2 years ago she was diagnosed with Renal cancer. She had her kidney removed and needed aftercare. Her crazy daughter was as usual off on another exotic trip (leaving her 3 small children to be looked after by the au pair) and my husband was working in Belgium only coming home on weekends. I was left to be her carer by default. At the time my ds' were 2 and 4. During this time my grandmother died and I couldn't leave to go to funeral because I had to stay and look after MIL and children. Felt sad and suffocated.

Fast forward 2 years ago to last weekend. MIL has a fall whilst shopping in London. Call from police telling us she was being rushed to hospital. DH went in and released her from hospital and brought her back to our house. Her face is a mess because she broke the fall with it- not breaking anything but badly cutting and bruising it. On Monday, DH had to go to Belgium ironically and I was on my own with MIL and 2 DS;. Had to take her to surgery to get Parkinson's meds (as she hadn't been expecting to stay with us and hadn't brought any), then back to nurse for dressing wounds, then off to pharmacy to get medication. At 4am that night she tapped on my door with horrendous nosebleed that wouldn't stop. Call ambulance. They can't stop it and whisk her away- also bp was in stroke range.

I got a real taster of what it would be like to have to care for her and I didn't like it. I feel angry with her because she had Parkinson's for around 15 years now and has known it won't get any better. And duh! When you have cancer and you're nearly 80, it is also a sign that thingsw might be going downhill. She has made no provisions for herself but instead expects everyone to tell her what to do- and believes it is her children's responsibility to look after her. I am afraid I disagree with this 100% because I believe we are all responsible for ourselves. Yes, people need support and help but she is of sound mind and like I said, it is not as if this has cropped up overnight.

DH and sister hate eachother so I am always acting as a go between and I hate it!

MIL has hinted that she would like to live adjacent to us in a granny flat but all I can see is my life being finished with running around doing things for her! I feel very suffocated as I write this. DH is 10 years older than me and my own mother is 20 years younger than MIL so I feel I am facing the 'What to do with Mother' question earlier than I should. I feel cross that I have to spend so much time having this woman in my house and caring for her because she's NOT MY MOTHER!

I am sorry there is so much more to the story and I realize I sound harsh but I feel really really stressed out by this and worry how it's going to pan out. It has really upset the equilibrium in our house with DH and I both not sleeping. AIBU?

I don't agree that when you marry someone you take on responsibility for your spouses family just becuase you are female. My secular vows said nothing about me having to look after my husband's family, or even them becoming part of my family. I think some people are more into the "his family are my family now" view than others and I think it's a very outdated view, particularly as women are expected to do most of the caring, phoning, card writing etc in relationships when women want to be involved in their husband's families.
We both work. If my dad has problems it will be up to my brother, sister and I to sort it. I don't see it as involving my husband and SIL.
If my inlaws have problems I would expect my husband and his sister to sort it out. I may get involved but would feel under no obligation to become involved.
I married my husband, not his relatives.

larrygrylls Sat 30-Jan-10 20:13:43
"I would rather live shorter with people whom I love and love me in return rather than revert to infanthood in the company of strangers."

Well, my MIL is not senile and hence capable of speaking for herself and she was terrified of living in a house which was not adapted to her needs. No amount of loving would have compensated for not being able to get onto the commode.

Living shorter among people who love you sounds lovely until you realise what kind of a death that might be. In the case of my MIL that would probably be dying from festering nappy rash. I don't actually think she loves us quite enough to be willing to go through that.

Emotionally and intellectually, she doesn't have a bad time in her home; certainly better than watching the clock while dh and I are at work and the children are at school. And that would be the same in many families: not everybody earns enough to keep a permanent SAHM to look after MIL.

Please note that noone is suggesting that healthy elderly people should move into homes- why should they? The OPs MIL is not healthy, nor is my MIL.

Hang on hang on hang on. You can't dismiss all nursing homes like that, larrygrylls.

What they offer can be brilliant - sensitive, round the clock, professional care in comfortable surroundings, given by kind people who really know what they are doing.

When my grandfather was in a decent nursing home he lasted five years longer than he might have done, and what those nurses didn't know about caring for the elderly with dignity wasn't worth knowing. We, on the other hand, were total amateurs and brought to the task our incompetence as well as years of baggage (he could be an incredibly grumpy bugger).

We confined our activities to visiting regularly and making sure the extensive paperwork was in order, and it all worked very well indeed. To suggest that this was somehow a second best option is, I think, unfair. His last years were much better than we could have managed for him at home. I would have happily lived in that care home myself - studio apartment, panoramic view of the Alps, lovely food, double height conservatory for coffee and cake sessions - what more could you want?

This lovely place here

?

Looking after elderly relatives is only great if a) they are healthy AND b) you are healthy.

My mum and dad ended up with my grandad (Mum's dad) living with them. He was a hypochondriac, although pretty healthy for his age. He fell when in his early 90s and had a replacement hip, but nothing else.

Meanwhile my dad had a heart bypass and other health problems and became disabled, and Mum was caring for both. She has also had a lifelong problem with a weak arm that means she sruggles to lift things.

I did what I could, but still get cross that her siblings (4 of them) rarely came to help mum. One of my uncles even moved out to another town, and I still think this was to avoid having to care for his dad.

Mum became very stressed, and ended up being investigated for a heart attack. She didn't have one, it was a stress related problem.

My grandad had been resisting moving out to a home where he could get better care, even to the extent of lying to the social workers that it was his home, he was paying the rent, when in fact my parents were the tenants. Grandad paid for nothing.

It came to a head when he was found in the morning, having fallen a short while before. Both Mum and Dad tried to lift him together, and couldn't due to their own disabilities. They had to call an ambulance.

While he was in hospital, Mum and Dad told the social workers that he wasn't to come back, they effectively declared him homeless. This meant that he could now be found a place in a home where he could get the proper, SAFE care he needed, and my parents could try to re-gain their health. It was devastating for my mum, she really wanted to help but couldn't. It took a long while for their health to return.

My DP and I did not have any room to look after him, and couldn't afford to move to a bigger house.

Grandad lived another 3 years in the home, dying shortly after he reached 100. If he had remained in my parents home, I am sure my mum would have died from the stress. this was better for everyone. (But I still think my aunts and uncles could have helped more.)

That is what happens when I go out jogging, sorry

I think the words I used in my post last night may have been a bit...abrupt...but the basic sentiment still stands. My 73yo Grandad has decided on the care home he wishes to live in when he's older. My 46yo mother is starting to think about it. I will also sort out some form of arrangements when I am older. My arrangements may also involve finding wardened accomodation for two of my children, as well as myself. Why if it the norm in my family to not place the responsibility for issues such as this on our children, should I have to think about doing it for my MIL, who has not been bothered to make her own arrangements? Especially as it's not an issue I thought I would ever have to think about due to my family's way of coping with this? This is what I find difficult. That and the fact that despite my MIL currently being in better health than me, she expects DP to go shopping with her, not me, on his one day off a week. . If she is that dismissive of my health problems now, imagine how dismissive she would be if I was 'caring' for her. She suffers from OCD, and expects the house to be hoovered at least 3 times a day (the whole house). Because I REFUSE to do this, she has refused to visit my house for 11 years. DP has to visit HER. Without me. No matter how much I've tried to be nice to her. Yet she expects to move in with us when her H dies. . Yeah, and I'm going to spend the next 20-30 years looking after her AND my DC's while getting pillioried for not 'keeping house' to her standards. And not ironing. Despite the fact that due to seizures and injuries whilst ironing, my Neuro has banned me from even touching an iron. NOT everyone has a sweetness and light relationship with their MIL. I have tried. SO. BLOODY. HARD. to build a good relationship with her, but I will never be good enough for her DS...because I'm 'faulty goods'.

mears, not for the first time, you have made me cry

My mum cared for her mum for the last 6 years of her life.
My gran was bedridden, sometimes incontinent, not easy to care for.

I am not offering advice . I have already decided I can look after either my mum , dad or mil but not my fil !

Other things change as people age. Their confidence fades so things which might have passed the time or entertained them, WRI, church, coffee mornings become to much effort. Much easier to rely on children for entertainment and 'to do' for them than to have to deal with cleaners / carers / gardeners etc. This isn't a criticism just what I find happens. And of course their own friends gradually pass away.

So even fit elderly can rely more and more on children (usually daughters - let's face it how good are men at accompanying on shopping trips or sitting chatting over a cup of tea).

So get as much organised care in place as poss then you can do the nice things - a day out to M&S, trip to the garden centre now and again. Try not to let guilt coerce ?sp you into agreeing to something you will regret, possibly for years -- or decades!

Hello Jasper!

How do you organise your own care in advance?

In the first 6 months when Dad cam home to my mum, it was very hard for her and I wanted her to explore nursing homes so that, should something happen to her, we had somewhere for Dad.

WE found a really great one for Dementia, however it had a waiting list! Since then they have phoned once to say there was a place available but by that time my mum had got into a settled routing with carers and is less stressed.

In my post much earlier in the thread I said I hoped my Dad passes on soon because I really don't want him to be placed into a home or hospital, but the bottom line is that this is what would be most likely to happen as I couldn't care for him here.

How can you possibly plan in advance for your old age to the extent of picking your own care home?

While you are reasonably fit and healthy you choose somewhere you like the look of and put your name down, so you have control over how things happen and you are strong enough to make the move without too much discomfort

That's how you do it.

What you don't do is assume you will be able to leave all that to other people and then give them a hard time while they're trying to sort you out, because you've had your head in the sand.

I see a lot of that happening and it reminds me of younger relatives who refuse to sort their finances out and then bleat about it endlessly, asking for soft loans all the time. Once you're a grown up, it is fine to ask for a bit of help from time to time, but you should largely see to your own needs as far as possible, and not absolve yourself of all responsibility.

I agree with DH to an extent. Where I personally draw the line though is that if an elderly person in the family requires care it should fall to the whole family to participate in the care and not just one person / couple.

In cultures where the elderly are better cared for the whole extended family is involved and although one person maybe in charge they are not left to cope alone. However, generally this is not the situation in the UK as the concept of an extended family does not really exist anymore.

I think that's the point. Family size has shrunk significantly, and many people find themselves at the bottom of an inverted pyramid of needy relatives (like Granny23)who have not really had to do this for other people in the same way, do not always appreciate the strain it puts on other people (especially if they have young children) and who have not always been as sensible as they might have been about things (eg not doing exercises after hip operation).

My grandparents certainly did not have to do any caring for elderly relatives as they had all died. So I think there needs to be less of the rosy tinted image that formerly all elderly people were lovingly nurtured in their own homes, and more understanding that this is not something a modern family can take on single handedly without running the risk of practically crucifying one or two younger individuals in the process.

I agree that older people do need to think about this more. People are living longer, many more own their own home and there are more options available to choose from.

A couple of years ago, I mentioned to my mum that she and my dad should consider moving closer to me (they have been thinking of moving to a smaller house for a few years and this would be their last move). It had never crossed her mind and she just shrugged it off. They still haven't moved, mind you.

The pil are now both 80 and I have no idea how they see things panning out. They certainly don't have plans.

I suppose we are all assuming things will be ok until they aren't.

I still don't get the practicalities. By the time someone is unable to live at home, it is often (?usually) because she is incapable of coping with the house itself. Let's face it, most British houses, with their narrow constructions and steep staircases are not ideal for people with dodgy hips or general fraily.

In the olden days, the solution would have been for a person who could no longer make it around the house to be bedridden. To lie in a bed and stare at the ceiling and talk to the members of the family when they had time to stop everything they were doing and come and sit with you.

These days, there is a choice between being bedridden in your DIL's house and going into an adapted care home where you can whizz around in your wheelchairs, be taken on outings in a specially adapted bus and have social evenings with the other inmates- and of course have frequent visits from your DIL.

There is absolutely nothing that says you have to see less of your ageing parents because they are in a home. My BIL and his wife visit MIL every evening. But in the daytime they can get on with their work knowing that she is not isolated in their house, but has people to talk to and people looking after her. Win-win.

generally frail, even; don't know what happened to my typing there

Cory, if they can be independent that is obviously an optimal solution. Say for example it was the last days of my mother's life, I would much rather (if she was able) she spent it with her family, ie, around those that she loved and not be in a care home eating pureed food and being looked after by a nurse that couldn't give a monkeys.

Obviously, there are circumstances where a care home is more appropriate but I am sure most people would prefer to be around family than on their own. Having seen a couple of care homes I can say that even the good ones lack the warmth a family can give.

The thing is, if it's the last days of someone's life there is also a high chance they will be on medication that you will not be allowed or able to administer yourself. So home care is often not an option.

Cory,

I think you were the one who accused me of a lack of english comprehension. Let's have a little look at your post:

These old people can "whizz around in your wheelchairs, be taken on outings in a specially adapted bus and have social evenings with the other inmates". This is hardly the kind of language you would use about another equal adult, much more how one would write about a 5 year old.

How would you like to "whizz around", be "taken on outings" and have "social evenings" with other "inmates"?! These are adults ffs, just old and frail. They might prefer to have a conversation with an intellectual equal who may happen to be 48, not 88. They may want to go to a restaurant of their choosing (even if they need to be helped in) with friends or family of all ages.

Most old people cannot think of anything worse than being dependent. Most try to live independently for as long as they possibly can. If they eventually need help, it is best given in a kind non judgemental way. They may even still have some wisdom to contribute; it is not entirely a one way process.

Also, due to the huge increase in house prices, my family of four is in a much smaller house than any of the gps. I cannot take anyone in. Not against it in principle though

Yes, but if being with the family means lying in bed staring at the ceiling and being in the care home means leading an active life, then I'm not so sure.

The thing is, it is only very rarely that you know when the last days are. All me elderly relatives have surprised us on that score; the only one who died quickly was a greataunt who was perfectly capable of living at home. MIL needs a hoist and specialist care- but I wouldn't be at all surprised if she lives another 10 years, though she does technically have a terminal illness. So those last days would seem pretty long to her if she had to live them in my home where noone could ever get her out of bed.

If someone is fit enough to have a good quality of life while living in an ordinary non-adapted house looked after by a DIL who doubtless has other commitments and has to leave her alone from time to time- then that person probably isn't somebody for whom you would be thinking in terms of a care home anyway. Sheltered accommodation or help in your own home would be a far more likely scenario.

And as I said, there is absolutely no reason you can't see as much of your loved ones in the care home as you would if you were living in their house and they were away at work all day.

larrygrylls Sun 31-Jan-10 13:19:01
"How would you like to "whizz around", be "taken on outings" and have "social evenings" with other "inmates"?! These are adults ffs, just old and frail. They might prefer to have a conversation with an intellectual equal who may happen to be 48, not 88. They may want to go to a restaurant of their choosing (even if they need to be helped in) with friends or family of all ages."

The point I am trying to make is that if you are fit enough to go to a restaurant of your own choice, then it is highly unlikely that anyone will ever have thought of getting you into a care home. The care homes I have visited simply do not contain people who are fit enough to do this. This is a straw man you are setting up.

When my MIL was still fit enough so that we could get her out of the front door, she was still living at home. As do most elderly people unless they are seriously incapacitated. But the ones in care homes are ime. Either they are so frail that they could not be helped anywhere without specialist equipment or they are so senile that you wouldn't dare to leave them for half an hour while you popped out to the shops.

I have two disabled children: I am certainly not averse to a little helping into restaurants.