Feeling desperately worried about having to be default carer for my elderly and ill MIL...

[littletree]

Long story that I shall try to compact:

MIL is 80 and has Parkinson's. She lives 2 hours away from us. She divorced DH's father when he was a child. She has two children- DH and evil SIL. Evil SIL lives in same village as her but is usually swanning off on holiday with her wealthy partner and therefore not a reliable helper for MIL. She does help but not with any consistency. MIL lives on her own in a terraced house and has nice neighbours and another elderly friend that lives a couple of doors down. This arrangement has worked fine up until just recently when thre have been a couple of incidents when it was clear she was not ok on her own.

She is a very nice lady with a gentle nature but of course like all of us she has her faults. She can be nagging to DH and irritate the hell out of him and can hover and nitpick.

She also throughout our marriage has come to stay with us for extended periods of time which drives me bananas. She comes for a week to two weeks at a time totalling around 2 months of the year. I am fine with this for the first 3 days but after this I feel like I am going out of my skin! I can not stand having someone else in the house for that length of time. I feel suffocated and my smile starts to droop and I become a bit snappy.

2 years ago she was diagnosed with Renal cancer. She had her kidney removed and needed aftercare. Her crazy daughter was as usual off on another exotic trip (leaving her 3 small children to be looked after by the au pair) and my husband was working in Belgium only coming home on weekends. I was left to be her carer by default. At the time my ds' were 2 and 4. During this time my grandmother died and I couldn't leave to go to funeral because I had to stay and look after MIL and children. Felt sad and suffocated.

Fast forward 2 years ago to last weekend. MIL has a fall whilst shopping in London. Call from police telling us she was being rushed to hospital. DH went in and released her from hospital and brought her back to our house. Her face is a mess because she broke the fall with it- not breaking anything but badly cutting and bruising it. On Monday, DH had to go to Belgium ironically and I was on my own with MIL and 2 DS;. Had to take her to surgery to get Parkinson's meds (as she hadn't been expecting to stay with us and hadn't brought any), then back to nurse for dressing wounds, then off to pharmacy to get medication. At 4am that night she tapped on my door with horrendous nosebleed that wouldn't stop. Call ambulance. They can't stop it and whisk her away- also bp was in stroke range.

I got a real taster of what it would be like to have to care for her and I didn't like it. I feel angry with her because she had Parkinson's for around 15 years now and has known it won't get any better. And duh! When you have cancer and you're nearly 80, it is also a sign that thingsw might be going downhill. She has made no provisions for herself but instead expects everyone to tell her what to do- and believes it is her children's responsibility to look after her. I am afraid I disagree with this 100% because I believe we are all responsible for ourselves. Yes, people need support and help but she is of sound mind and like I said, it is not as if this has cropped up overnight.

DH and sister hate eachother so I am always acting as a go between and I hate it!

MIL has hinted that she would like to live adjacent to us in a granny flat but all I can see is my life being finished with running around doing things for her! I feel very suffocated as I write this. DH is 10 years older than me and my own mother is 20 years younger than MIL so I feel I am facing the 'What to do with Mother' question earlier than I should. I feel cross that I have to spend so much time having this woman in my house and caring for her because she's NOT MY MOTHER!

I am sorry there is so much more to the story and I realize I sound harsh but I feel really really stressed out by this and worry how it's going to pan out. It has really upset the equilibrium in our house with DH and I both not sleeping. AIBU?

No! No! No! YANBU. A cautionary tale:

I was 42, working full time + unsocial hours + main Key Holder. DH, an only son, self employed = no work, no pay. DD1 at Uni, recurring glandular fever, had to be fetched home very ill several times. DD2 at college, far away + homesick. FIL being assessed for Altzeimers, MIL can't cope, collapses, can't get out of bed, can't walk, etc. FIL to respite care, later admitted to care home, MIL won't visit him, too upsetting,arranged home help for MIL but kept getting calls from Home Help or MIL for urgent assistance. EG one at 7.30am MIL collapsed on floor, can't move, has been lying there all night. Mad dash to her house and she is lying there in obvious discomfort, send for Doctor, go downstairs to make tea and discover kettle still warm, cup in sink -WTF!.

A year passes, MIL breaks Hip, hospitalised, will not do exercises, confined to armchair thereafter, commode installed downstairs. My DM has 1st heart attack, Maiden Aunt in law breaks hip. Now 4 rellies in 4 hospitals then 3 home needing cared for. My Maiden Aunt with diabetes develops dementia and at least is admitted to same hospital as FIL which simplifies visiting somewhat.

The pattern continued for 9 years with variations of who needed most looking after. MIL (who hated me, was most demanding, best not to tell her if someone else was poorly as she always upped her care needs. For us, no holidays, no family christmases, no chance of visiting daughters by then living in England. Plenty shopping, visiting, cleaning, washing, accompanying to hospitals, meeting doctors, social workers, and on and on and on....

All five wrinkles died within a 9 month period, leaving only my DF. 3 years later when he died and I was made redundant, aged 54 and menopausal, I had a total breakdown. I feel I was robbed of precious years of prime life time. It was like one of these stage acts where they spin plates on sticks and have to keep them all moving at once.

There is no way on earth that I worked through those years to fund my DD's education only to have them ruin their careers and family life by falling into the same trap. It will be a care home or blue pill for me when I cease to be useful or at least self suffcient.

OP - make a stand NOW or you will be on a slippery slope. Each extra request for help will seem small but it all snowballs and you cannot refuse to help your own parents when you have done so much for the In Laws. Sorry about the long story but I get so angry when people e.g. some posters here, tell you where your duty lies when they have no experience of what that path entails. 'You will be old yourself someday!' Well I am old now and I say NO! I would not allow another woman to make that sacrifice for me.

I can understand how you feel - the reality has hit you and you are feeling a little scared - you are projecting this fear and resentment into anger at your MIL. Good that you can vent on here.

I hope you can get your DH and SIL to work together to help their mother.

I also hope that you can find some compassion for her and peace with your feelings - I speak from experience of having been very angry with my MIL about how she behaved when she was ill. After she died I was consumed with guilt for those feelings and had counselling to come to terms with it.

Above all, make it clear that you will not be your MIL's carer. You aren't being selfish, your marriage and children come first. On the contrary, you are being the responsible one, by forcing them all to address the problem. You might find they are all relieved you raised the topic.

Agree with this

Wow, what a post granny23.

Poor you. Sounds like a difficult situation. Your need to talk to your husband. It is bad enough that he works away but to leave you in charge of his ill mother when you have young children that need your full attention is not right.

Sounds like the sister is a selfish cow tbh so it is unlikely she will help. How about suggesting she moves near you as she has stated she wants to. But into a care home instead. That way you and your husband can visit frequently but not have the same worries that you would have if she lived with you. From the sound of her conditions she sounds like she may need round the clock care soon which you will not be able to provide. Sheltered flats are good too but I'm not sure you could get the full on care she would need there.

YANBU
My MIL lived in a granny flat converted from our garage.It was a nightmare.She was 90.She would block the catflap so the cats were shut in the house,she accused the cleaner[to her face]of stealing fruit[we later found baman skins etc in her bed-not cleaner's bed!]She cut up Dh's photo album ans blamed a poltergeist,she ordered meals on wheels and shoved leftovers down the sofa.While she was with us my own Mum who was nearly 30 years younger died.In the end mil went into a nursing home but dh still reproaches himself.Dont do it-its a slippery slope.

Do you know, we have threads on MN about 'community', yet people are so downright selfish even within their own families. It isn't always fun and games being part of a family, but that is what family is about - through thick and thin.

In many ways I care for my parents, at the age of 30, and have done for almost 4 years consistently, and for my mother emotionally for the last 13 years. Physically they are independent, but financially and emotionally they are in need of support every day. I do it because I love them, they raised me, we are family.

How is it that we spent our whole childhoods depending on our parents, and then when they need us and it is a bit inconvenient, we decide that we have a life to lead so they can just cope?

Lou - you are so not alone in your thinking but I suspect that we may be in the minority. This has got to be one of the most depressing threads I've ever read - not because of the OP as I think that is a new and complex issue, but because an elderly lady with shingles keeping someone awake is cited as an example of why an elderly vulnerable lady can't be cared for at home.

Did you read the OP, lou? This is the OP's mother in law, not the woman who raised her. The MIL has two able, adult (one of whom rich) offspring who will presumably need to step up and deal with this issue.

People make a decision to have kids, and it is absolutely their duty to provide care for them. But it is not the duty of adult children - with kids of their own - to provide that care back pro rata. You don't get 20 years of guaranteed care because you gave it - that's not what having kids is for.

Yes I read the OP. And it doesn't matter if it is the OP's MIL. When you marry you give yourself to your partner and vice versa. They are family. And either the DH needs to care for his mother or the OP does, and in any case he should be talking to his sister.

Does my DH sit back and say 'but it's your parents' to me? No. He married me, and because of that he honours my family, despite me having a well off older brother who sees our parents about once per year.

My comments are not specifically about the OP. But MN at the moment seems just full of threads which imply or express that unless someone is useful to you, they are simply expendable. It makes me go cold on the inside, truly.

lou - I hear you, and that was my first response as well. There's a lot of fear and dread of ageing and unfortunately it comes across as very dismissive of old and vulnerable people.

But, in the OPs case, I think she did need to vent her feelings and has done so honestly.

I do think that children have a responsibility to their parents, how far that goes and what is expected etc varies between families.

I don't think that people should be expected to look after other people's parents though, unless they decide they want to for whaveter reason. The OPs MIL has two fit and healthy offspring and they should be sitting down together/with their mother to work out what is going to happen. It can't just fall to the OP because she is the nicest or at home more or whatever.

It strikes me that it always falls to the women - would the OPs DH give up a lot of his work commitments to stay at home with his MIL, providing her meals and day to day care? Well maybe he would (I don't know), but most men wouldn't, if you get my drift.

There's a really good, funny and moving novel by Margaret Forster called "Have the Men Had Enough?", about daughters and DILs caring for a mum with Alzheimers .

Sorry for hijack

I have 2 friends who have both moved elderly ill parents in to live with them. Both have warned me never ever to do it myself as they feel their lives have been totally overwhelmed by their role as carer. They have had to give up jobs, can't take holidays and it has put a strain on their marriages.

I have another friend who has done the same thing and loves it. Just gors to show - it depends on your own personal situation.

In your case it sounds like living with MIL would be a disaster for you so in order to sort it all out you need to put the options on the table and discuss with MIL, dh and SIL.

Your options sound like they are:
a) sheltered housing (this may not be suitable if MIL's care needs are set to increase a lot which sounds likley)
b) residential care. This could be in a home nearer you if it would make visiting easier. This would involve a big financial decision for MIL as she may be liable to pay for some or all of it and this could include selling her house.
c) Domiciliary care (i.e, carers coming once or twice a day to her house) - this could be through social services, private agencies or adhoc informal arrangements with neighbours etc. The adhoc arrangements are obviously not going to fit the bill so you would probably need to be involved with arrangements e.g. if carers don't turn up or have a problem.

Contact social services for an assessment of MIL's needs and financial situation and they can tell you what she would get through them. You local Carers Organisation may give you much more info about the procedures and dealing with the emotional fall out of it all.

This makes me so angry, SIL and DH have to sort it out amongst themselves. I suggest you lay it on thick with DH and say that you are close to having a breakdown with the stress that its having on you and your priority your dc's. Therefore suggest he and sil contact one another to help. Maybe take mother in law up to sil's house to stay for a few days tomorrow? Do not mention to sister in law, just make sure she's in! (Pretend to be a florist wanting to deliver flowers).

Hope it works out longterm for you.

Agree with Granny23 My Mum has spent most of my childhood looking after elderly relatives it takes a toll on the whole family please whatever your decision is look after yourself and your DC, There are loads of options there

oh gosh what a thread.

i've had this for the last 5 years with my gran, she's 89. i'm her next of kin, as i suppose is my sister though she's not much help. my gran lives 2 hours away too.

in december she got pneumonia, which she gets every year. once home, but still on meds, she broke her wrist. oh, and she was almost totally snowed in as she lives in a rural lake district village. i had to handle all this in amongst having ds, who was born end of november. a truly crap first month of his life tbh, driving here there and everywhere. thankfully dh is a saint, and he had 3 weeks paternity leave, so some how or other we managed it..and did a 3 wk test drive of an SMax for mumsnet and ford! crazy times.

she now has a carer going in to her home 3 times a day and this is free. she can then pay an additional £12.50 an hour for extras such as someone to do shopping/cleaning. she's refusing the extras so far..she prefers her elderly neighbour to do these jobs when i can't get there.

it's a huge strain.

YANBU - the care should be spread equally between your family, his sister's family and a care nurse / nursing home.

Interesting thread.

Op you need to stand your ground on this and insist your DP and his sister start to talk with your MIL about how she can be cared for and supported.

Make it clear that you can be there in an emergency but you already gave caring responsibilities to your children.

I'm sure something can be worked out if everyone is prepared to help out and M gets the right kind of care. good luck

i dont think you did yourself any favours with your OP, but essentially i feel for you. I feel the same resentment about looking out for my mum sometimes and on the whole she is healthy and can look out for herself, but i can't move away as i am an only child and she doesnt have anyone else.

You need to be very objective i think - NO granny flat, no no no and thrice NO!!!

Instead, i think the money would be better spent on professional care. Meal deliveries etc - decent ones. People to just keep an eye on her, that sort of thing. Until her needs increase.

Good luck

I do think we should take care of our parents, they spend their lives doing the same for us, be a sorry state if we couldnt do the same for htme.

I think the points about children caring for their parents in old age are interesting - certainly it is selfish to ignore the needs of elderly parents, however I also think it is wrong for aging parents not to make provisions for their old age.

Elderly and sick people can be a burden on their families and people do have a moral responsibility to mitigate this - they should make proper plans for when they can no longer take care of themselves, make sure their affairs are in good order and make provisions for related carers to have relevant powers of attorney etc. When an elderly relative has a disease which is likely to progress and be debilitating in old age it is quite selfish not to make plans for the future and just assume your offspring will take care of everything.

OP - I feel for you and agree with others who say that your DH and SIL need to step up and sort out a proper care plan for MIL. Good luck!

Holy guacomole. I didn't think this would spark off quite so many responses and I am sorry if I haven't been around to answer some of them. I took my two younger ones for tea at a friends house and had to leave MIL here on her own for two hours whilst I did so because I arranged it 2 weeks ago before the weeks drama- and quite honestly I needed to escape! But here's the sort of thing that is guilt-worthy when one has an elderly house guest.

I stick to my guns firmly when I say that our lives should be down to the individual and not down to others to tell us what to do. Families should be there for guidance and support should the individual ask for it. At the moment this is not happening. It is just no game plan and then wait around for something to happen and have nothing in place to support the incident- illness, fall, what have you. She hasn't said what she wants except hinted that she would like to move in with us, which, as I said is not acceptable to me. I am not joking when I say it will ruin my life as I know it. My dh would help where he could, but he has to work to earn the dosh to keep this place going. I work from home so my home is my everything and yes, having her here day in and day out would greatly affect my work life. (I don't earn nearly as much as my husband does though, so, my work life isn't as high in the pecking order)

No, she didn't ask to fall down or know she would get cancer. But she did know that she was getting old and had illness and should have made up her mind what she would like for herself instead of dumping a load of worry on her children. I detest the idea that we grow our children to look after us in our old age. Old age sucks. Most people get ill. A lot of people lose their marbles. It is what we all face and we need to choose what WE want and have conversations and make requests before it all gets too late. I am doing this now, in my thirties.

Yes, I hope that I don't get parkinson's/cancer/ fall down. I probably will though and so will you. But I am thinking about what I will do about it now. And no, that plan doesn't involve planting myself in my son's young married life when they have small children and requesting that my daughter in law give up her privacy and have daily stress. It feels very unnatural when you are an adult to share your home with ANYBODY who you didn't either give birth to or are sharing a bed with.

I should add that my own mother has told me in no uncertain terms that she would never do this to me.

Definitely yanbu. The woman has cancer and Parkinson's Disease. That in itself will make the task of caring for her even harder, perhaps impossible.

The op isn't talking about casting her out onto the streets for goodness sake. She's done an awful lot of the mil already out of the goodness of her heart. She's recognising her own limitations and needs and wanting those who should be responsible i.e. the mil's own TWO children to step up to the plate and deal with their mother's needs.

That's an amazing post, Granny123.

should also say, that a lot of support has been offered that does not involve her actually moving in. We went so far as to look for houses for her near us a couple of years ago. But she didn't like any. (Because she really wanted to move in with us.)

I have been putting thoughts for an action plan on A4 for dh and sil. At the moment the best option seems to be having someone come along part time to offer support a couple of hours a day. She is amenable to this.

Again, I say she is a lovely lady and I love her dearly but I don't feel I should have to give up my life to help her. I want to be one of a few support systems. And I do quite enough already.

And yes SIL is a cow. But that is a whole other thread.