Feeling desperately worried about having to be default carer for my elderly and ill MIL...

[littletree]

Long story that I shall try to compact:

MIL is 80 and has Parkinson's. She lives 2 hours away from us. She divorced DH's father when he was a child. She has two children- DH and evil SIL. Evil SIL lives in same village as her but is usually swanning off on holiday with her wealthy partner and therefore not a reliable helper for MIL. She does help but not with any consistency. MIL lives on her own in a terraced house and has nice neighbours and another elderly friend that lives a couple of doors down. This arrangement has worked fine up until just recently when thre have been a couple of incidents when it was clear she was not ok on her own.

She is a very nice lady with a gentle nature but of course like all of us she has her faults. She can be nagging to DH and irritate the hell out of him and can hover and nitpick.

She also throughout our marriage has come to stay with us for extended periods of time which drives me bananas. She comes for a week to two weeks at a time totalling around 2 months of the year. I am fine with this for the first 3 days but after this I feel like I am going out of my skin! I can not stand having someone else in the house for that length of time. I feel suffocated and my smile starts to droop and I become a bit snappy.

2 years ago she was diagnosed with Renal cancer. She had her kidney removed and needed aftercare. Her crazy daughter was as usual off on another exotic trip (leaving her 3 small children to be looked after by the au pair) and my husband was working in Belgium only coming home on weekends. I was left to be her carer by default. At the time my ds' were 2 and 4. During this time my grandmother died and I couldn't leave to go to funeral because I had to stay and look after MIL and children. Felt sad and suffocated.

Fast forward 2 years ago to last weekend. MIL has a fall whilst shopping in London. Call from police telling us she was being rushed to hospital. DH went in and released her from hospital and brought her back to our house. Her face is a mess because she broke the fall with it- not breaking anything but badly cutting and bruising it. On Monday, DH had to go to Belgium ironically and I was on my own with MIL and 2 DS;. Had to take her to surgery to get Parkinson's meds (as she hadn't been expecting to stay with us and hadn't brought any), then back to nurse for dressing wounds, then off to pharmacy to get medication. At 4am that night she tapped on my door with horrendous nosebleed that wouldn't stop. Call ambulance. They can't stop it and whisk her away- also bp was in stroke range.

I got a real taster of what it would be like to have to care for her and I didn't like it. I feel angry with her because she had Parkinson's for around 15 years now and has known it won't get any better. And duh! When you have cancer and you're nearly 80, it is also a sign that thingsw might be going downhill. She has made no provisions for herself but instead expects everyone to tell her what to do- and believes it is her children's responsibility to look after her. I am afraid I disagree with this 100% because I believe we are all responsible for ourselves. Yes, people need support and help but she is of sound mind and like I said, it is not as if this has cropped up overnight.

DH and sister hate eachother so I am always acting as a go between and I hate it!

MIL has hinted that she would like to live adjacent to us in a granny flat but all I can see is my life being finished with running around doing things for her! I feel very suffocated as I write this. DH is 10 years older than me and my own mother is 20 years younger than MIL so I feel I am facing the 'What to do with Mother' question earlier than I should. I feel cross that I have to spend so much time having this woman in my house and caring for her because she's NOT MY MOTHER!

I am sorry there is so much more to the story and I realize I sound harsh but I feel really really stressed out by this and worry how it's going to pan out. It has really upset the equilibrium in our house with DH and I both not sleeping. AIBU?

Apparently life is all about sacrificing your health and well being for those whose own relatives can't be arsed to deal with them.

YANBU - Life is not about servitude in return for having been given birth too. It is possible to help your mil without having her live with you. Stand your ground

When my (very lovely) MIL became too ill to live at home, dh and his brother lived up to their filial responsibilities- by finding her a suitable care home. Not because I am an uncaring cow but because she needed care that was beyond either me or dh.

As for the idea that this is some kind of modern day selfish bubble thing- MIL told me herself that she arranged for her family to move away from her elderly and frail MIL, whom she had been caring for, because she was afraid of the effect it was having on her own little boys, and she felt her first responsibility was towards her children. Her MIL had a paid nurse after that. Now there really couldn't be a kinder person than my MIL; she just felt her MILs needs were not compatible with the needs of her children.

My gran went into a home when she became senile and unable to live at home. As she hated my mum and wouldn't let her near her, and wouldn't have wanted her son to do intimate care, the alternative would have been to have assigned all her personal care to a teenager (me). I did all that one Christmas as a teen, all the bottom wiping and getting up in the middle of the night to help her to the loo when she was confused: I couldn't have done that on a permanent basis.

Not all sick elderly people are easy to care for. My ex-SIL who works in a care home tells me that they regularly get assaulted by confused patients. My MIL is very much with it- but she is a heavy lady and totally paralysed from the waist down; I wouldn't want my children to be alone with that responsibility if I popped out somewhere.

Besides, I work: I couldn't take it on my conscience to leave somebody in her condition alone for hours on end. And my gran certainly couldn't have been left even for a very short time; she had to be watched.

How do you manage caring for somebody who can't be left alone in a home setting if you also have children who have to be taken to school, the shopping to do etc?

I know what happened in the olden days- confused elderly people died from what we, today, would call neglect, simply because there wasn't anyone who could give up all their time to look after them. But today we do have the option of care homes.

Cirhosis - thats why the family should look at what support they can get for relief care.
I wouldnt have married my ex if I werent willing to take on responsibility for his elderly parents - in the event, it wasnt requested. My grandmother lived with us when I was a child - dementia, the lot, and no carers allowance, no relief care for my mother. It wasn't a picnic, but IT IS PART OF LIFE. Tricky is right that the worst phase doesnt last long.

One thing that stuck out to me in the OP was the statement that DH didnt return home from work when OPs grandma died so she couldnt go to the funeral. Sorry, but what job is so important that you cant return to allow your wife to go to a funeral, particularly when your own mother has had a serious fall???

DH sounds selfish to me, or else OP is being a doormat. Stand up to him and tell him to get it sorted, which does NOT involve moving her into your home, especially as you work from home.

nighbynight, that's great for your family

I speak to about ten families per day, every day, for whom things are often very desperate indeed - that doesn't make them worse people/less able to cope than your family, it just means that all situations are different.

No, it wasnt great, it was hard work and distressing at times, it was just part of life's rich tapestry.

But my point is, that for some it is not part of life's rich tapestry. For some the situation is so bad as to be utterly desperate. More than hard work. More than distressing. You seem to be unable to accept that other people's situations may be different and that other people may deal with things differently/have different issues than you and your family.

I just think it's very unhelpful to post that sort of thing. You just need to take each case as it comes and understand how the individuals concerned are feeling. No good saying "just part of life" if the person is not coping and is desperate.

I've skimmed the thread and you say that your mil has hinted that she wants to live with you so hasn't liked any of the local properties you've shown her as they are basically not your house with you (and your dh) there as carer.

Have you actually told her that it's not an option for her to move in with you?

And do you have a date yet for when she is going to be going back to her own home? Or are you worried in the immediate future that she is using this time right now to try to settle in with you?

And any chance of finding some local 'granny sitters' (not sure what the proper term is!) who could come and sit with your mil for a few hours a week so that you have a definite time to go out by yourself?

What does your husband think about this particular episode - did he mention anything to you when you looking after his mum while he wasn't there or does he just assume that you will or did he even discuss what he was going to do before bringing her home and then disappearing off to belgium?

Sorry there are so many questions, reading your op there seemed to be lots of assumptions and I wondered how many things had been made explicit between about your mil care between your and your dh...

Cirhosis, my point is that life's rich tapestry is not all enjoyable, sometimes it does make you miserable and desparate.
You seem to think that I am saying that my family found it easy - thats not what I am saying at all.
Yes, relief care and backup should be available to help, No, people should not shrug off their responsibilities.

No I wouldn't presume to say they found it easy, of course not

All I am saying is for some people, it's not even do-able. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's why help is out there.

This is such a personal decision.

I help my mother care for my almost 93 year old father at home who has Alzheimers. He can no longer communicate and is immobile. He sleeps in a hospital bed with a special mattress in the dining room. He has to be hoisted out of bed to sit in a wheelchair. he cannot feed himself. He has a catheter and is faecally incontinent. Carers come in 4 times a day to get him dressed and up and ready for bed at night. He has a sleep in the afternoon too. He has been at deaths door on and off over 2 years now.

My mum is 77 years old and is looking very worn out. My fear is that something happens to ger before he dies as I will not be able to take on this care.

My sister does not involve herself in his routine at all and did warn me that it would 'fall to me' if we took him home from hospital after he was admitted with the norovirus last year. He could walk when he went in but lost his mobility during his admission.

I hope my Dad slips away soon. I have no regrets about the 'burden' that we have taken on but I am not sure I would want to go through it all again with my mum or inlaws.

You can aoly undertake thsi type of care if you do it willingly.

When my Dad dies I will have no regrets.

N by N I don't see anyone on this thread 'shrugging off their responsibilities'. Instead I see people agonising and putting themselves through hoops to try to find a solution that is do-able and fair/reasonable for all concerned. Sometimes no such solution can be found, sometimes more than one family member needs your assistance and you have to decide where your priorities lie. The decision is not about what will make life easier for yourself but rather about what is possible and who needs you most - your young children? your own parents? maybe you are doing important work which benefits many others, probably you HAVE to work as the income is a necessity.

Help from the caring professions is currently the best it has ever been, although still a bit of a post-code-lottery. Soon we may look back on this as a golden age of care provision, as pension values fall and my generation of bulge babies live long but do not prosper.

Cirrhosis is seeing these problems every day of her life and knows what she is talking about. Please listen to her.

I can never really understand how adult children can turn their back on their elderly and ailing parents. I see it as the right and loving thing to do, to care for our parents or at the very least ensure they are being properly looked after in a care home.
I hope to God I never get anything terrible if I'm 'lucky' enough to reach 80. I'd hate to think that my children would turn away from me
That is by no means a slur on you OP. It sounds like you have done more than MILs own offspring for her than they have, but I really don't envy you.

YANBU, in my family, we all make plans (of some sort) for our retirement when we are in our late 20's early 30's. NONE of which involves getting other family members to give up their lives to do so. I personally have uncontrolled Epilepsy, and although I have 3 DC's, 2 of them are SN and will need their own help to live indepentantly (if that is even possible for them). Should I expect my one NT DC to put his life on hold to care for me? I know that my epilepsy will get worse as I age, but it is not my DC's responsibility to deal with that, it is MINE.

DP's parents, on the other hand, already need (far too much, imo) hand-holding etc, his mother (who is only just 60, and not in bad health, apart from mentally, not age, just she's suffered from low level MH probs all her life), and she won't go shopping without DP, despite the fact that she is actually MORE able to than I am...fucked if I will be the one looking after her, and fucked if DP will give up work (being the only wage earner due to my disability) to do it either. Don't know if Dp/MIL know this yet, but 'tis the way 'tis.

If I wouldn't be doing it with my own family, OR expecting them to do it for me, why in hells name should I do it for someone I'M not even related to that has always hated me? . NAH, DP's wayward older sis can deal with that if it comes up, DP & I have enough on our plates. And I know that sounds cold hearted, but we have done the last 10 years, she can take her bloody turn soon!!

Granny 23.. got as far as your post and I feel very moved. All the best.

It does look like it is going to fall to you to sort this out. You are going to have to state very clearly what you are / aren't prepared to do. I don't think you are being unreasonable not to want MIL living with you.

Firstly, get DH, SIL, MIL all together in one room and TALK ABOUT IT. HONESTLY.

Secondly, with the care needs, whatever your part in it, or your DH / SIL's parts... you need professionals to do the majority of it. For one or even two people who have lives / jobs / kids it is too much. So get Social Services involved.

Hopefully MIL can live near you, either in sheltered housing or care home.

I have to admit to finding this thread a bit depressing. You don't have to "give up your life" or be a martyr to take an active role in organising care, or actually doing some of the care yourself for a family member... who with any luck you have loved and valued for years. I do realise that not all families get on well, but I sincerely hope my daughter does not grow up as selfish as some of the posters.

I am sure that Cirhosis sees quite dreadful situations, but they are still not a blanket excuse some of the selfishness that has been expressed on this thread.

Yes. We do not all agree. And again, I want to make it clear that we are in no way turning our back on my MIL. My husband is definifely not. I didn't mean to paint myself as not as nice very nice person or as a sacrificial lamb. Neither is true. I am human. I have good points and bad. I know this is one side of me that I struggle with which is why I have posted here- for perhaps anonymous advice.

My husband and I were working together when I looked after her after the cancer. He was working to put bread on the table and as the one at home I looked after her because I was there and I knew he needed me to be there. SIL of course we think of mainly out of the equation because of her erratic behaviour. I think she has mental health problems and at times has treated my MIL atrociously. I can't tell you the number of times we have had to bail out her birthday celebrations because my SIL hijacked them because the attention was not on her. To give you a taster: One year she invited us all to her house to celebrate MIL birthday. Right before we arrived she had a scream at her mother, through the roast out the window and told everyone to get out. This is the nuttiness we have to deal with from her which is why contact is very minimal.

When she comes to us she is fed very well, plays with her grandchildren, has a lovely big bedroom overlooking the garden, a fire lit for her and no stress. That is why I get worried for me. I do this for her (what a nasty person I am) even though I struggle with having another presence in the house after about day 3. I can (just cope) with a week to 2 week visit but I know these visits strain me and definitely my relationship with dh. I get irritated that we have offered to help her move nearer for an arrangement where we could pop in from time to time, have her for sunday lunch, get a part-time carer, etc. But she doesn't seem willing to meet us halfway on this which is really the bit that pisses me off. We WANT to help. There is no shirking of duty here. I love her and want her to have her needs met in old age I just don't want her moving in with me!!!!

not a nice person that is...

Just reread my earlier post (full of typos) and should reiterate that I will have no regrets when my Dad passes on because he got what he truely wanted, to be cared for at home. We tried respite care for a week once and it totally upset him to be cared for by strangers. I found it way too upsetting.

As I said before you can only provide care at home if you are willing and able. It cannot be done with a grudge.

For some it cannot be done at all due to work commitments and other family life etc.

There are professionals out there who can guide people down the path of ensuring care provision when needed, in various forms. They just need to be accessed and the person who needs the care involved in the decision.

Littletree, I empathise with you. What you are suggesting is not unreasonable and it may take quite a number of discussions for your MIL to understand. I hope you find a solution that works for you all.

Yes, I think MIL would most prefer to be in her own home but the difficulty is the distance from us. We are very settled where we are with my two little boys very settled in their primary school. There is no way I would uproot them to move nearer. I think as the person who needs the help, she should meet us halfway. What is wrong with that?