Feeling desperately worried about having to be default carer for my elderly and ill MIL...

[littletree]

Long story that I shall try to compact:

MIL is 80 and has Parkinson's. She lives 2 hours away from us. She divorced DH's father when he was a child. She has two children- DH and evil SIL. Evil SIL lives in same village as her but is usually swanning off on holiday with her wealthy partner and therefore not a reliable helper for MIL. She does help but not with any consistency. MIL lives on her own in a terraced house and has nice neighbours and another elderly friend that lives a couple of doors down. This arrangement has worked fine up until just recently when thre have been a couple of incidents when it was clear she was not ok on her own.

She is a very nice lady with a gentle nature but of course like all of us she has her faults. She can be nagging to DH and irritate the hell out of him and can hover and nitpick.

She also throughout our marriage has come to stay with us for extended periods of time which drives me bananas. She comes for a week to two weeks at a time totalling around 2 months of the year. I am fine with this for the first 3 days but after this I feel like I am going out of my skin! I can not stand having someone else in the house for that length of time. I feel suffocated and my smile starts to droop and I become a bit snappy.

2 years ago she was diagnosed with Renal cancer. She had her kidney removed and needed aftercare. Her crazy daughter was as usual off on another exotic trip (leaving her 3 small children to be looked after by the au pair) and my husband was working in Belgium only coming home on weekends. I was left to be her carer by default. At the time my ds' were 2 and 4. During this time my grandmother died and I couldn't leave to go to funeral because I had to stay and look after MIL and children. Felt sad and suffocated.

Fast forward 2 years ago to last weekend. MIL has a fall whilst shopping in London. Call from police telling us she was being rushed to hospital. DH went in and released her from hospital and brought her back to our house. Her face is a mess because she broke the fall with it- not breaking anything but badly cutting and bruising it. On Monday, DH had to go to Belgium ironically and I was on my own with MIL and 2 DS;. Had to take her to surgery to get Parkinson's meds (as she hadn't been expecting to stay with us and hadn't brought any), then back to nurse for dressing wounds, then off to pharmacy to get medication. At 4am that night she tapped on my door with horrendous nosebleed that wouldn't stop. Call ambulance. They can't stop it and whisk her away- also bp was in stroke range.

I got a real taster of what it would be like to have to care for her and I didn't like it. I feel angry with her because she had Parkinson's for around 15 years now and has known it won't get any better. And duh! When you have cancer and you're nearly 80, it is also a sign that thingsw might be going downhill. She has made no provisions for herself but instead expects everyone to tell her what to do- and believes it is her children's responsibility to look after her. I am afraid I disagree with this 100% because I believe we are all responsible for ourselves. Yes, people need support and help but she is of sound mind and like I said, it is not as if this has cropped up overnight.

DH and sister hate eachother so I am always acting as a go between and I hate it!

MIL has hinted that she would like to live adjacent to us in a granny flat but all I can see is my life being finished with running around doing things for her! I feel very suffocated as I write this. DH is 10 years older than me and my own mother is 20 years younger than MIL so I feel I am facing the 'What to do with Mother' question earlier than I should. I feel cross that I have to spend so much time having this woman in my house and caring for her because she's NOT MY MOTHER!

I am sorry there is so much more to the story and I realize I sound harsh but I feel really really stressed out by this and worry how it's going to pan out. It has really upset the equilibrium in our house with DH and I both not sleeping. AIBU?

Littletree, I have a great deal of sympathy for you, and yes, your MIL and HER children should have discussed these issues and made plans a very long time ago. We live with my 81 year old mother who is fortunately in active good health and has all her marbles, but we have a POA and plan to convert the ground floor for her should the need arise. She will be looked after by us in her own home for as long as possible. We did the same for my Grandmother.

"It feels very unnatural when you are an adult to share your home with ANYBODY who you didn't either give birth to or are sharing a bed with." This is no doubt very true for a lot of people, but why oh why does it have to be so?

The phrase "selfish materialistic Western values" is not one that would normally ever pass my lips, but I'm going to make an exception here. How bloody spoilt are we to imagine we are "entitled" to live in our little nuclear family bubbles and that anything else is abnormal? Living with "others" is seen as a bizarre throwback to peasant living or evidence of a wacky alternative lifestyle.

No wonder we have so many homeless people and lonely isolated old folk in our society.

Another thing, my gran and grandad moved in with my uncle and aunt years ago due to my grandad being ill. My grandad died and my continued living there but she didn't actually need care at that point.This has greatly impacted on their lives and now they have an absolutely poisonous relationship especially my aunt (who is the daughter in law) with my gran. My gran is now in sheltered housing and my uncle and aunt have moved abroad.

I think YABU but also so is your H.

Your MIL is an old lady who needs help and as your husband's mother I think that entitles her to expect her family to help her.

I wish my Nana was still here to "hover and nitpick" (not that she ever did.)

2babyblues that's so sad! It sounds like your gran has had to lose her husband and, effectively, 2 homes, at a stage in her life when you just don't need that upheaval.

This thread is an absolute education in making sure you look after yourself financially and go into your dotage with your eyes open, so you and your family have choices. OP I know that's not helpful in your case but for what it's worth I think YANBU. Your MIL, DH and SIL are all in total denial that they need to plan. I really feel for you.

Fab-

Did your Nana ever live with you? Has your MIL ever lived with you?

No, I wasn't lucky enough to ever live with my family though we did tell my nana she was welcome with us anytime.

Personally I think it's a throwback to talk about 'lonely old folk' with the assumtion that these are lovely, easy going people who want to live unassumingly in our houses, fitting in with us and showing happiness and gratitude for same.

In fact old people are just like us - individual, opinionated, set in their ways, some are nice, some are horrible, none are perfect.

I love my elderly relatives very dearly but they would no more want to live with me and be subject to my lifestyle choices than I'd like to live with them.

Surely any loving relative does what is best for their family in need, in terms of finding appropriate housing and care etc. Having them move in is another thing altogether. 'Spoilt western values' my arse. All adults are entitled to live as they see best, this is a plus for civilisation, not a minus in my view.

YANBU - my mother had a similar situation with her MIL - basically because my father and his brother could not get their act together to sort anything else out. Eventually my mother became ill with stress and at the same time her MIL was diagnosed with dementia which provided the catalyst for her sons to actually agree to action (although it was still my mother who had to deal with all the paperwork/arrangements/meetings etc) but she is now in a lovely care home with special facilities for dementia.

My mother has never got on particularly well with her MIL but it fell upon her to deal with all of this because her sons were basically useless - fortunately all was resolved in the end but for several years it had a very major impact on my parents own relationship so I can sympathise a little with how you are feeling.

Sorry for babbling on but basically, your dh and his sister need to get their act together and sort out appropriate care for their mother - it may well be that you need to be the one who facilitates this but the end result should be worth it for everybody's sanity and peace of mind. If money is no object (and from your posts it sounds like it isn't) then appropriate care shouldn't be difficult to find.

Also meant to say to those giving the op a hard time - living with an ill/demanding MIL is very different to living with a loving Nana/grandparent who just needs company and a bit of help.

I want to give a huge round of applause to Granny23 - great post.

FWIW I am a SW for adults/older people and there is ALOT of help out there. Everyone is entitled to an assessment - and SS can help with putting a care package in place in order to lighten the load on families. Even if the relative is living with family. Often we take calls from lovely, honourable and admirable people who have been looking after a family member for many years and have only phoned us at breaking point...you don't have to be at breaking point to get help! There is also Attendance Allowance to claim for them which can give (lower rate) £47 ish a week which can pay for a cleaner or shopper etc.

There are things out there to help. Sometimes the hardest bit is making clear to your relative - I will help, but I have my limits. You are entitled to a full life as well. Social Workers can't do that bit for people - just takes a bit of assertiveness, or actually alot of assertiveness depending on the relative!

Fab, bit odd to pick up OP for saying 'hover and nitpick' about her own MIL becuase your grandmother didn't do this. Totally different people, situation and dynamic here isn't it.

You might have loved to have had your nana close to you but other people might not have that relationship with their relatives. They're hardly being unreasonable, just in different circs.

I was making the point I would be happy to have my Nana here to do anything and would have put whatever the op had said. I was making it clear my nana didn't nitpick.

I would have loved to have had any family close to me.

I am leaving this now as it is not doing me any good.

I think yab a little u in some of your comments. We are not all 100% responsible for ourselves - what a sad world that would be.
tbh, you are not coming across as a very nice person.

Having said that, your dh and sil should investigate all the support available for their mother.

it's a very hard situation, really feel for op.

my dp is an only child and his mother in in her 80s. it worries me alot what will happen in the future. she has already told me she doesn't want to go into a home. i'm not great at caring either.

I think it is very easy to say "you should want to look after your relative" if you haven't been in that situation. Many people I deal with have, like Granny23, seen some of their best years go by without being able to fulfil their own needs - and looking after someone who is declining is emotionally incredibly hard. Their needs can be as big as a newborn's - but, particularly if they have dementia, you get none of the rewards.

Newsflash: life isn't all about enjoying yourself and fulfilling yourself.

though of course there are also plenty of happy situations where people are very happy to care for their relatives - and the relative is happy to have arrangements in place which give their carers some respite

thank goodness for reasonable people! however they're not all like that!

~YANBU at all. I ended up being carer for my MIL by default too. SIL was crap, dh too busy at work, BILs gave money but lived miles away and could only do minimal actual hands-on. All I can say is:

The prospect in advance was much worse (and I got more upset then) than it actually turned out to be. Try not to paint doom scenario for yourself, you are not alone and there is a whole wealth of government and charity types who will help. The world is full of do-gooders (thank God!).

There is loads of help she is entitled to for free or (more likely) can pay for - if your dh and SIL won't do the practicalities, get them to cough up for help. Social services will call in and do lots for around £12 an hour, or you/she can pay a private carer.

Sheltered accom sounds like a good idea. It could be near you so you and dh can visit, but not have her in your own home.

I would forget about SIL and her uselessness, she ain't gonna change so what's the point, it will just upset you. Mine was the same, couldn't or wouldn't do much at all. But you and dh need to be united on this and tackle it as a team. Sit him down and get him to face up to the fact that MIL can't go on living alone. Then plan onwards from there.

Two final bits of consolation:
1 We will all be old one day and helping her will improve your chances karmically for when your time comes. You are doing the right thing, even if SIL isn't.

2 She sounds properly doddery and ill-health ridden. I'd doubt this will be a very long term problem, sadly. No point busting the family apart and straining your marriage over someone who may very well have popped her clogs in the next year or two, is there....My MIL only lasted less than a year in totally dependent state. I'm proud she died as she wanted, surrounded by family (all on speaking terms, too!) and in her own home.

Also - in a strange way, it will be easier for you to be businesslike and sensible about this because she isn't your mum. That may be part of why your dh and SIL are being crap about it, it's just so much more emotional for them and presses all sorts of buttons from their childhood.

If you need to offload or more advice about all this, give me a shout. I've so been there, can remember sobbing hysterically down the phone to my GP after MIL persuaded hospital to let her out early as "she had a care package in place". That care package was basically me, flat-out working mum with youngest child 6 months old.

Brilliant, practical and kind advice tricky.

I think the op sounds lovely. She's done a lot for her mil already.

I also think she's very wise to flag up the fact that she simply won't be able to do the care for her mil.

And it's really not about fulfilling oneself and have enjoyment of one's life - it's about recognising that sometimes having to live with other people can and will totally stress you.

Is the op just supposed to accept this?

And if you have relatives that don't or wouldn't have hovered or nit picked, think yourself lucky. There are plenty who have. I despise the argument, "They'll be dead soon. Accept them regardless of their (sometimes awful and reprehensible) faults" - it's ludicrous.

I suspect those who are criticising the op genuinely have no idea what it's like living with and caring for someone else full time who is ill, not the most easy going and can be critical. Apart from your children of course! but you bargained for those!

Awww thank you MorrisZapp! It's from the heart too. I hope OP gets through it, I wish her all the very best. It can seem overwhelmingly awful. I guess the sooner MIL can be got into some sort of supported set-up (and out of OP's house) the better.

"I should add that my own mother has told me in no uncertain terms that she would never do this to me"

my dad would have hated what he became due to alzheimers - we could NEVER have predicted it, his downslide was steep and none of us could face up to it. You just do what you have to do. I know that my poor dad was in hell - but what was i to do, abandon him because i knew that his old lucid sself wouldnt have wanted me to see him like that?

I too hope i will never put my daughters through it, but sometimes, life just doesn't go according to plan

But there's no talk of "abandoning" her mil at all.

Aw, you sound v lovely tricky.

On a wider note, some of those old folk who 'aren't going to live for long' have a habit for living for decades!

My old granny has been at 'deaths door' for nearly ten years now. She gets no better and no worse, year in, year out.

My dad thinks she'll outlive us all, and she doesn't know who any of us are anymore, bless her.

"Newsflash: life isn't all about enjoying yourself and fulfilling yourself" - No, it isn't - but in order for people to be healthy it has to be at least partly about this. I speak to people nearly every day who are absolutely desperate, and very often very ill, because they have tried to make their life all about fulfilling someone else's needs.