DD and her friend throttled another child at school today, AIBU not to tell DD off?

[LEMhasgonetothedogs]

They are four.

HOW EMBARRASING FFS!!!

Went to pick up DD from school and one of the other mums called me over to forwarn me that the teacher would want a word.

Anyway, it turns out that the girls were playing and my DD and her friend both had either end of another girls scarf and were pulling . Enough to mark oh dear!

Anyway, the teacher said there was no malice but that she obviously spoke to them about the dangers etc. I said i would talk to DD and the teacher sort of waved her hand as if to say, oh its done and dusted now - they wasn[t being nasty.

I did speak to DD and explain that she must be really carefull playing and never to pull things around someone's neck. She looked v sheepish and said it wasn't her - which of course it was - and i said it was ok and that she wasn't in trouble but just so she knows it is dangerous and never to do it again. I mean, it could have been nasty couldnt it

I'm going to be MORTIFIED at school in the morning, i don't know the other mum, but do you think its worth me seeking her out and apologising - even though there was no malice? or best leave it? I guess the teacher would have had to tell her what happened.

Malicious or not, dangerous behaviour must be seriously addressed.

You have to think about how you would feel if your DD came home with strangulation marks which developed into black eyes. I'd be horrified, upset with the school and wondering why it wasn't stopped before it got so bad.

If she feels remorse and understands that she hurt another child, you don't need to bollock her. She knows she did wrong because she lied about it.

Frankly if the school came to me and said 'never mind, its all done with now' I'd be saying 'actually, I mind very much' and asking why I have to take my child to A&E after a day at school.

I think the school needs to take some responsibility, and yes, you should contact the parent and make sure DD apologises. Its not just the strangulation, but the trip to hospital and the after effects.

I'm a bit appalled by all those who have said you shouldn't bother apologising to the mother, and am not quite sure why in some cases posters deem an apology necessary now the little girl has got black eyes but not when she 'just' had a ligature mark on her neck.

A child is expected to apologise for hurting someone else even when it is an accident and I would have thought the same civility would extend to a mother-to-mother apology when their children hurts someone. I know if my child were to break a plate at a friends house then I would say sorry as well as making my child say sorry. It's pure politeness.

But I can sympathise with the difficulties in making a shy child say sorry. It trips off the tongue of my youngest with nary a thought, but any attempts tend to backfire with the eldest. She would though always be quite happy to give a sorry cuddle, and delighted to draw a special picture or card.

The l;ast thing a four year old needs is to have it rammed down her throat that she could have killed her friend. She'll have nightmares for 3 years!

Why do people feel they have to be in the 'wrong' before apologising?

Yes it was an accident, a bad one at that. But of course you should apologise on your dds behalf to the mother. Why wouldn't you?

And why do you feel the need to say the sweets are a get well gift only?

And for what it's worth then yes, YABU for not telling her off in the first place.

She has bruised eyes ??? - I would be having SERIOUS words with your DD. She needs to know that this is in no way, no shape or form acceptable. Of course it wasn't intentional - but it's scary to think what would have happened if it had carried on for a minute or so longer. Sorry but if I was that other childs parent I'd be bloody furious.

I think the most concerning thing is the school/head saying they are 'not coming down hard' because it was not malicious.

They need to treat this very very seriously -ok to accept that your dd and the other weren't malicious, and they're only 4 - but the school need to be having very serious discussions with your dd and the other girl, preferably with you there to bring home the seriousness. Also I would want them to address this issue in class and do some work on appropriate play, dangerous play etc. And I would want them to assure you/the 'victims' mum that they were going to be keeping a very close eye for a while during playtime

None of this needs to be punitive, but it needs to be seriously and clearly done, imo

The little girl having an A % E visit and black eyes as a result of the 'strangulation' is very serious, blimey. Poor kid.

People can end up hurt by someone deliberately doing something for any number of reasons without one of them being meaning to hurt them but they still need to be told.

If my child had done this I would be furious, upset, sad, ashamed and sorry and would immediately seek out the mother and apologise. I would also be having words with my 4 year old.

If someone had done this to my child I would be wanting to know how they were able to do this for so long to cause marks and black eyes without someone stopping them. I would also want and expect an apology from the school as well as the mother.

'Telling off' is the wrong emphasis.

The point is that games with things around peoples throats can end very badly. (I won;t link to a BBC news story about a 9 year old that accidentally strangled herself with a scarf) . It's one of those things I drum into my kids until it;s a reflex. Like not running into the road to retrieve balls, and not giving babies small toys to play with.

It's more about risk awareness than 'naughtiness'.

I think the way you say you've handled talking to your DD sounds fine. I wouldn't tell her off more for it being more serious that you first thought - her actions were still the same.

But I'd ask her if she thinks she can make things better for the hurt girl. Could she make her a card or gift or something? Take something around and tell her she's sorry she got hurt. Firstly it would be a chance to see the damage the game caused, and secondly it puts the emphasis on fixing her actions (intentional or not) and not on 'being in trouble'.

I'd also like to know how long it took for an adult to intervene. At 4 in a group setting I'd expect there to be an adult watching for things like this.

How much did the injured child cry/scream/object before your dd stopped?

further update

Ok, so i managed to see the other girls mum at the school gate tonight and she was just lovely. I had bought the little girl a kinderegg and the mum was really pleased, i felt a bit silly though. She said she didnt want any children to get into trouble and that she knew they were just playing. Not really been able to get out of any of the three of them what actually happened, but all that matters is that the little girl is fine. She was in school today and quite happy. The "black eyes" i think were an over exaggeration on my friends part - just some little spotty bruises above her eyes that i have had before once when i was really upset. Apparently this is very common when there is a constriction. But thankfully no real harm done.

I apologised profusely and the woman said there was no need, but as you have all said, its good to acknowledge and show concern.

I told DD that i had bought the egg for the other girl to say sorry and they seem to still be friends, although they were being all shy - which they are. I did give my DD a kinder egg too (i expect i'll be flammed for that) but i think the incident itself was scary enough for all three of them to make them think twice before doing something silly like that again.

THANK GOD it was all ok, i felt sick at would could have happend.

Glad to hear it

chalk it up to experience

lematthedogs bet your gald its the end of the week! Glad all is well now, draw a line under it and enjoy your weekend!