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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD and her friend throttled another child at school today, AIBU not to tell DD off?

141 replies

LEMhasgonetothedogs · 28/01/2010 20:50

They are four.

HOW EMBARRASING FFS!!!

Went to pick up DD from school and one of the other mums called me over to forwarn me that the teacher would want a word.

Anyway, it turns out that the girls were playing and my DD and her friend both had either end of another girls scarf and were pulling . Enough to mark oh dear!

Anyway, the teacher said there was no malice but that she obviously spoke to them about the dangers etc. I said i would talk to DD and the teacher sort of waved her hand as if to say, oh its done and dusted now - they wasn[t being nasty.

I did speak to DD and explain that she must be really carefull playing and never to pull things around someone's neck. She looked v sheepish and said it wasn't her - which of course it was - and i said it was ok and that she wasn't in trouble but just so she knows it is dangerous and never to do it again. I mean, it could have been nasty couldnt it

I'm going to be MORTIFIED at school in the morning, i don't know the other mum, but do you think its worth me seeking her out and apologising - even though there was no malice? or best leave it? I guess the teacher would have had to tell her what happened.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 29/01/2010 09:37

The bit that I would have told off for is the lying - I didn't do it. Yes she was upset etc but I could not let that stand, personally. Other than that, if your DD has apologised at school then it is all over.

BooHooo · 29/01/2010 09:42

Bellisima how did the school handle this?

Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 29/01/2010 09:46

UPDATE

Well - apparently it was a whole lot more serious than i thought. The little girl had to go to A&E last night, and now has a couple of black eyes Poor little sausage.

Obviously this changes everything - i feel sick to my stomach.

The one good thing is that it definately wasn't a bullying incident as the girl apparently, gave each end of her scarf to the two girls and said "pull". I wonder if she was trying to play that game where they spin each other around? Anyway, it doesn't matter - she got hurt.

The thing is, the school didn't inform the mother about it so she is with the headmistress this am. I now know where she lives and will go and see her - i will buy her DD some sweets i think.

I jokingly said to the other mum that i bet they will ban sarfs now - but actually, thats not such a bad idea is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 29/01/2010 09:48

Feral??? fuck off!!!

they were PLAYING!!

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 29/01/2010 09:53

Surely the teacher will have made the girls apologise anyway?

She's 4 just a baby. Ds2 had his arm broken by falling when pushed, he was 7 but I didn't think to go on at the boy who did it, they're children and it's usually unintended.

When they get older then that's a different story.

Bucharest · 29/01/2010 09:53

LEM, I don't think you have done anything wrong, and I don't think you handled it badly with your daughter either You did tell your daughter off afterwards according to your first posts, and impressed on her about hurting people even without meaning to etc etc.

I think it would be a good idea if your dd tok her friend a little present of some kind. I don't think, at that age, she needs to be forced into some mea culpa act of confession and contrition as others have suggested.

Curiousmama · 29/01/2010 09:54

How did she end up with black eyes?

Veritythebrave · 29/01/2010 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smee · 29/01/2010 09:55

That's what I was wondering about curious.. The scarf I get and kids do that, but black eyes too?

Katisha · 29/01/2010 09:57

Oh dear LEM how awful for you - and yes it's amazing that the school didn't inform teh mother, but obviously it can't have seemed that serious at the time.
Sounds like a really unfortunate incident, but not one that could be forseen, and not one that occurred due to malice.
I hope it goes well with the mother.

morningpaper · 29/01/2010 09:58

Oh god that's terrible

The poor child would have been begging to be let go

4 is old enough to learn that you don't run into traffic / stick your finger in a socket / put anything tightly around your neck

She should know not to put anything around her OWN neck or anyone else's - it's a really important lesson for a child to learn VERY early, children die every week from this kind of mistake

It's a mistake but it CAN be fatal, she needs to learn it is EXTREMELY serious

Sorry for you but you are being VV unreasonable "not to tell her off"

morningpaper · 29/01/2010 09:59

You get black eyes from very bad strangulation - they can haemmorage

thisisyesterday · 29/01/2010 10:01

oh dear LEM, that sounds awful.

I agree that it has been handled fine btw, i think the teachers, and you reacted just as ytou should have done

4 yr olds have little impulse control, and little awareness of consequences, esp in the heat of the moment when someone says "pull my scarf"- they just do it! neither of them could have foreseen this

the problem with forced apologies is that 1,) if she refuses to say sorry then you're even worse off than you were before, and no-oine can force a person to speak a word
and 2.) it teaches them that it's ok to do whatever they want as long as they say sorry afterwards

i would have talk to her and tell her that X was so upset, and very poorly and had to go to hospital, her and her mummy might feel a bit better if DD says sorry to them, because that'#s what we do when we hurt someone even when it's an accident

a sorry would be nice- but it has to come from her!

Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 29/01/2010 10:01

Apparently the "black eyes" not sure they are actual black eyes, might be - due to the constriction thing.

Yes morning paper, i feel terrible - i absolutely have spoken to DD. I made sure i told her to play safe today - however it was a game, and i think i have handled it appropriately as it happens. I will of course be talking to DD tonight and telling her that the other girl was actually badly hurt - i think that will be enough to ensure she doesn't do that sort of thing again.

OP posts:
claw3 · 29/01/2010 10:01

They must have been pulling for a very long time, where were the teachers?

Is this nursery or school?

Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 29/01/2010 10:03

the thing is, my DD is so very shy, she wont talk to another adult without cajoling - so to get an apology out of her? its going to be upsetting as i can visualise it now - DD crying and hiding behind my legs - i am thinking of maybe getting DD to do a little "get well" present and to give her friend a cuddle

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 29/01/2010 10:04

claw - i agree, it is not entirely clear to me where the teachers were. I am going to be speaking to the shcool later - i feel quite sick to be honest

OP posts:
morningpaper · 29/01/2010 10:05

I'm not surprised you feel sick What a 'mare

I would probably write a letter to the mother

and ask the teachers to give a warning about strangulation in assembly or something

anabellapity · 29/01/2010 10:05

Hello LEMhasgonetothedogs

sorry that you are going through this. the spinning game sounds like a feasible explanation. perhaps you should have a word with the head teacher about doing an assembly covering all aspects of safe play; otherwise it could happen again at the school, with dire consequences

Veritythebrave · 29/01/2010 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Niecie · 29/01/2010 10:10

I was going to say don't apologise but having read your update maybe a few words would be appropriate although I do think that she is going to be angrier with the school than your DD, I know I would.

However, I have to say I wouldn't be looking for an apology from the parents if it were me. I would have expected the school to deal with it and the children to have apologised at the time. Leaving it so long after the event is pointless in 4 yr olds. An apology from you wouldn't help in any way except to make you feel better.

DS1 got badly bitten by another boy in Yr 1 - his mum came to apologise to me and it was just embarrassing tbh, not helped by the fact that she burst into tears and I ended up comforting her. I knew the teacher had dealt with it. I knew she was aware of it as the teacher told me, but she had no control or influence over what her DS did at school any more than I did and so long as he knew that he had done wrong and didn't do it again then that was all that mattered.

smallorange · 29/01/2010 10:12

I agree with MP. If any if my DDs had done that they would have revived a stern talking to and a detailed description of why this game is dangerous and why.

I would also point out that if the other child is not enjoyi g your 'game' then you should stop.

I'm sure the othervhd was making it quite clear she was not enjoying it.

Maybe take DD along to see the injuries and say sorry. Make it a lesson- you never know whether she will take it into her head to do it to a younger sibling. These things are too important to be just let go.

morningpaper · 29/01/2010 10:14

eye hemmorage due to strangulation

NB this picture is quite GRAPHIC

Also I can't spell hemmoraaeaeage

I only this because it once happened to me when I choked on a vitamin tablet and nearly killed myself

Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 29/01/2010 10:15

smallorange - i can GARUNTEE she wont be doing it to a younger sibling There aren't any !!

Going to phone the school now

OP posts:
Veritythebrave · 29/01/2010 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.