DD and her friend throttled another child at school today, AIBU not to tell DD off?

[LEMhasgonetothedogs]

They are four.

HOW EMBARRASING FFS!!!

Went to pick up DD from school and one of the other mums called me over to forwarn me that the teacher would want a word.

Anyway, it turns out that the girls were playing and my DD and her friend both had either end of another girls scarf and were pulling . Enough to mark oh dear!

Anyway, the teacher said there was no malice but that she obviously spoke to them about the dangers etc. I said i would talk to DD and the teacher sort of waved her hand as if to say, oh its done and dusted now - they wasn[t being nasty.

I did speak to DD and explain that she must be really carefull playing and never to pull things around someone's neck. She looked v sheepish and said it wasn't her - which of course it was - and i said it was ok and that she wasn't in trouble but just so she knows it is dangerous and never to do it again. I mean, it could have been nasty couldnt it

I'm going to be MORTIFIED at school in the morning, i don't know the other mum, but do you think its worth me seeking her out and apologising - even though there was no malice? or best leave it? I guess the teacher would have had to tell her what happened.

LEM, it must have caused quite a fuss in school, no wonder your dd said 'it wasnt me' she must have been petrified.

Most 4 year olds have little knowledge of cause and effect ie if i do this, it will result in that. I should imagine your dd is horrified at the outcome.

i would also add that regardless of the reasons given by schools, i do not agree with the policy of not revealing the names of the children involved - there is no incentive for the children on either side to volunteer this information to their parents at age 3 or 4. as a result, tensions are heightened and it takes a lot longer to clear the air.

i still look at the children in ds' reception class and wonder which one was responsible for pushing ds onto a concrete slab six months ago (not nearly as bad as your incident, obviously). i felt that it was rude for the parents not to want to seek me out and apologise to me - even though i suppose they might have wanted to do this but come up against the same barrier. i had serious misgivings about the school and the kids in his year for several months following the incident.

of course it is bad for you and your dd but it is a LOT worst for the other dd and her parents

I appreciate it was an accident but if I was the mum I would be very angry. You should prepare for the mum not being too excited about your DD coming around with sweets.

TheCrackFox - why would you be angry? The child put the scarf around her own neck and asked the others to pull it - they were playing, not bullying her? I don't understand the anger directed at LEM or her daughter?

cracked fox, apparently the other mum was very understanding when the OTHER mum went round. Her anger is directed at the school - of course, im so upset for her. I am upset for my DD too to have been involved in this. I just want the other mum to know that i am concerned really

I have a 4 yr old an I think he would have noticed a lot quicker that he was choking someone. She was given 2 black eyes from being half strangled that required a trip to A and E. [shocked] I would be pissed off.

LEM can you go round to see her now? Given that you are getting so worried sooner might be better than later.

another update

Have spoken to the headmistress who has said that the other little girl is OK, but does have bruised eyes poor thing.

They have spoken to the class, in fact i think the whole school about playing safely and not pulling scarves etc. So thats good.

The head mistress said that they were playing and that there was definately not any ill intent. That she didn't "come down to heavy" about it as they were simply playing. That has made me feel better because the school have dealt with it now. Will buy the other DD some sweeties but just as a "get well soon" sort of thing.

Still feel sick to my stomach of course - as i can imagine the other mum feels too

Bloody kids!! i have 38 more grey hairs this morning!

You should speak to the mother of the girl who was hurt so she realises how concerned and upset and mortified you are. It's not your fault of course, but you are genuinely upset and sorry and should let her know. Sounds that she has her head on straight and is properly angry with the school - how could they have not have told her - and not with the girls who can't really have known what they were doing. But if you don't go and see her she might think you think it's nothing.

Stuff round the neck frightens me so much and I have drilled into my kids they must never do this; good that your daughter has learnt her lesson this young.

I was organising a go-karting party recently and one of the parents who is a doctor wrote to me to beg me to ask everyone to ensure the children were not wearing anything round their necks as they had treated several children who had been strangled while go-karting. That would not have occurred to me as a risk!

my dd had this happen to her, but with a skipping rope, in reception

she had a ligature mark across her neck and was quite distressed about it at the time

The 2 boys involved had a severe bollocking from the school and one mother phoned me to apologise, which I really appreciated

But it was an accident, I was VERY angry with the apparent lack of supervision from the teacher & 3 TA's, it happened during a PE lesson

oh fooa, thats horrible Am hoping that there wont be a mark on her neck now as a scarf is a bit softer.

The school's reaction was very good, tbh, they phoned me straight away

she's ok now, hasn't affected her skipping ability

Boohoo sorry - if you are still reading.

School handled DD's broken leg by firstly refusing to give any information (I was told it was 'nothing' when I queried why she was limping when I collected her). When I took her to GP and then straight to hospital for x ray on his advice they still wouldn't give any details until a doctor there, having confirmed it was broken, told me to ring them and demand details as he wanted them. Then they told me what happened. When I subsequently went in and said that I accepted that it was not deliberate but had anything been said/done to the Year 6s and pointed out that my DD was frightened of the main aggressor (DD was tearful about giving me any details/names herself) they went into 'shut down' and refused to say if anything had been said to the girls or their parents. Frankly if I doubt if so much as a housepoint was deducted. As I said before, the girls themselves were aware that they did it (I know that much0 but never, ever was an apology received from them or their parents. nice.

My ds1 was outside running across the playing field and he and a girl his age collided. His teeth went into her cheek. She had to go to hospital and under anasthaetic have two layers of stitches so she didn't get a scar. I was mortified but it was an accident. I called the mother and together ds and I bought the little girl a small gift. She is as beautiful as ever.

One thing I have learned - advice from doctor at hospital - if the school clams up about an accident you demand details on medical grounds - ie say the doctor wants them (it is genuinely helpful for them to know exactly what happened ie in this case 'a rugby field type injury for a primary school!' according to the doctor, it didn't help that the girl pushed onto my DD was extremely overweight.

Would def apologize to the other mum - you'll only feel you have to avoid her otherwise. She will def appreciate your concern.

The fact that you are mortified will reassure her. Kids sometimes just do things to see what happens, out of curiosity, not out of malice. Should still get a stern telling off so that they know it's serious.

YABU

4 is not too young to be given a talking too. They could have done serious damage to this child not to mention how scared she must have felt.

ok so they were only playing and it wasn't malicious.

But it was not an accident - it was a game that could have resulted in the death of a child. As it is this child sustained severe enough injuries that she needed to be taken to a&e and has two black eyes, she must have been being strangled for a signifficant amount of time for that to happen.

At four the op's dd obviously understands the concept of lying to try to get out of trouble, so she also obviously understands the concept that what she did was wrong.

Of course she should have been told off. And punished.

At four she is not a baby.

She could well have killed that child. And she needs to know how serious that is.

I havent read the whole thread, but I think you should backup the Teacher, let your daughter know you dont approve, and make sure the girl with burn marks around her neck is fine, and apologise to her mother, get your daughter to apologise to the girl. Its a learning thing, and it will reinforce safe play, and social behaviour.The mother would most likely like to know who YOU are, and your child to put her mind at rest.

How did the teacher know it wasn't malicious if she didn't see it happen?!