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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD and her friend throttled another child at school today, AIBU not to tell DD off?

141 replies

LEMhasgonetothedogs · 28/01/2010 20:50

They are four.

HOW EMBARRASING FFS!!!

Went to pick up DD from school and one of the other mums called me over to forwarn me that the teacher would want a word.

Anyway, it turns out that the girls were playing and my DD and her friend both had either end of another girls scarf and were pulling . Enough to mark oh dear!

Anyway, the teacher said there was no malice but that she obviously spoke to them about the dangers etc. I said i would talk to DD and the teacher sort of waved her hand as if to say, oh its done and dusted now - they wasn[t being nasty.

I did speak to DD and explain that she must be really carefull playing and never to pull things around someone's neck. She looked v sheepish and said it wasn't her - which of course it was - and i said it was ok and that she wasn't in trouble but just so she knows it is dangerous and never to do it again. I mean, it could have been nasty couldnt it

I'm going to be MORTIFIED at school in the morning, i don't know the other mum, but do you think its worth me seeking her out and apologising - even though there was no malice? or best leave it? I guess the teacher would have had to tell her what happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 28/01/2010 21:14

helpyouiwill

Thanks for the voices of reason - on reflection, i think i will go and drag DD out of bed and bollock her, send her to school tomorrow pick out the child and force her to apologise - yeah, i'll do that .

The teacher told me not to worry too much when i said I would talk to DD. I spoke to DD, she was quite upset about it and said she didnt want to talk about it, but i made her listen, i just explained to her that it was very dangerous and she has to be really really really careful when she plays. Had the teacher said to me they were being nasty then i definately would have been harder on her.

The teacher didn't say that the child was upset, i might find out who the mum is and ask if she was upset - then maybe get DD to make her a little something if she was. However if she wasn't upset then I think that would be making something out of nothing iyswim, the kids will think we have gone mad! lol

OP posts:
carrieboo75 · 28/01/2010 21:16

A little sorry card is a great idea. It will let your dd know that she needs to be carefull and it will let the other mum and dd know that you have taken it seriously. I have got ds's to send sorry cards and ds's have recieved them. I think they make the point well.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 28/01/2010 21:16

In situations like this DS (3.5) gets very sternly told off - quite possibly to the point he is frightened but he needs to understand. He does not do these things again - we do then sit down and talk about why not. Maybe slightly different though because these things have happened when I was present so immediate.

He got his sister (16 months) in a head lock the other day and did he know about it!

southeastastra · 28/01/2010 21:17

i have been in the same position as you btw. it's very hard to not feel very protective of your own child in the circumstance but if you just ignore it, it could cause bad feeling.

the other mum will probably just laugh it off. but if they are annoyed by it, isn't it better to get her to just say sorry?

helpYOUiWILL · 28/01/2010 21:18

Get a grip. She was obviously AWAKE when you spoke to her originally AND WHEN SHE LIED so that's when you should have corrected her about LYING. Think you will find others agreed to.

Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 28/01/2010 21:18

bit puzzled by the reacations here tbh.

If it was my DD of course i would be upset - but i wouldnt be gunning for blood, or an apology, although i would certainly appreciate one. I wouldnt be angry though if the teacher told me the children were playing together.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 28/01/2010 21:21

FFS, Last year when DS1 was in reception the teacher came over to have a word with me, because whilst playing "Power Rangers" he'd scratched another boy's face. He hadn't meant to, he was playing. I was mortified, we talked about it, I spoke to the Mother about it ( a friend of mine anyway) and DS1 was under no illusions that he should he play more carefully.

That doesn't mean he has been an angel since and if anyone elses child has after 1 admonishment I would be bloody surprised to be honest.

Lewis, I think she has already apologised once, perhaps she should wear sackcloth and ashes until she is 16 just in case???

Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 28/01/2010 21:22

I don't think i could ever speak to my four year old DD in a manner that frightened her!! If i had been there at the time i probably would have yelled at them to stop, but thats it - why would you want to frighten your child??

OP posts:
icarriedawatermelon2 · 28/01/2010 21:22

LEMhasgonetothedogs as a teacher I think I would have said the same as your child's teacher. Don't make a card because your worried about the other mums reaction, make one as a way of explaining the dangers of the game and drawing a line under it and moving on. Don't worry, these things happen all the time!

helpYOUiWILL · 28/01/2010 21:24

i am actually in agreement with you LEM. They are only little and the school have dealt with it. She is not a playground bully unless she has done stuff before! What i am trying to say/type is that she lied to you. If there is another incident in the future you have to know that she is telling the truth otherwise you cant "back her up". Therefore she needs to know that lying is wrong.

mazzystartled · 28/01/2010 21:24

you'd really expect a note?!!!

if we went on like that every child in the school will be sending each other sorry notes every week. they play fight, they scuffle (especially boys)

The child wasn't hurt, the teacher did their job and dealt with it. LEM did her job and made sure her daughter understood what she did wrong. (though I would have tackled the fibbing) Doing any more is totally unnecessary and makes it into a huge deal. If it was a bullying incident that would be totally different. This wasn't.

Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 28/01/2010 21:24

thanks icarriedawatermelon2

I can see that the school gate is going to be SUCH fun!! all those lionesses out there protecting their LOs, of course, im a lioness too. Just bloody wish i could think who the wee lass is to speak to her mum

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 28/01/2010 21:26

I DID handle the lie, i told DD that i knew what happened that that she should tell the truth, but not to worry because she wasn't in trouble, she was clearly mortified, which i think was the appropriate reaction from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
LEMhasgonetothedogs · 28/01/2010 21:27

im off to bed now - thanks for the responses. I take it all on board.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 28/01/2010 21:28

I have 2 boys
I would be writing notes/supervising note writing/seeking out parents all the live long day..........

southeastastra · 28/01/2010 21:30

you could just talk to the teacher and she could pass on to the other parent that you know what happened and have dealt with it.

foreveronadiet · 28/01/2010 21:30

I totally agree she is only a child not some big school bully! my 4 yo dd comes home every other day saying such and such did this and that if i followed it up all the time with the teachers/parents i would be demented!

LittleMrsHappy · 28/01/2010 21:32

OTT reaction!

Children will be children in school, and are playing they have no concept of danger at that age, especially when things like playing with material etc...

OP if you want to apologise then do so, but personally I would not, the school handled the situation, but I would stress about the dangers of putting things on necks etc...

SoupDragon · 28/01/2010 21:34

I would have given my child a severe shouting to to enforce the dangers and scare them from doing it again. Just like I did when DD (nearly 4) ran across the road.

I would also apologise on her behalf to the mother and explain that it was a game gone wrong and the dangers had been reinforced. Presumably the mother has heard the "no malice" story from the teacher too so you shouldn't need to worry on that score. An apology clears the air though.

Then I'd drop it. I wouldn't issue a punishment.

ChippingIn · 28/01/2010 21:34

LEM - she's 4, they were playing not being nasty. The teacher dealt with it and has said so, you have talked to your daughter about how dangerous it is.

If I saw the mother I would say that I was sorry that her little girl got hurt yesterday when they were all playing and that I'd spoken to my daughter again about it being a silly/dangerous thing to do and hope they had all learnt from it.

If they had been doing it on purpose to hurt the little girl, then it would be different.

Tomorrow morning they'll all be playing together again

Blu · 28/01/2010 21:35

"If i go and apologise then it makes it appear as if maybe my DD was being nasty to the child "
No, it DOESN'T mean that, don't worry about that - all it means is that you are letting the other mother know that you are supporting the schoolin helping your dd and her friend understand that it wasn't an OK thing to do.

Don't worry too much - kids simply DON'T know it's dangerous. What starting school is all about is learning what is and is not acceptable in social situations -it sounds as if the teacher dealt with it well, all you need to do is back it up. It will do loads of good to re-assure the other mother that that is what you are doing!

Good luck

traceybath · 28/01/2010 21:41

Well when DS1 scratched another little boy in reception I phoned the other mother who I know to apologise.

But DS1 had been scratched/hit and generally its taken care of by the teachers and if its parents I know they tend to apologise.

Reception is all about learning boundaries and socialising - don't worry too much about it.

RumourOfAHurricane · 28/01/2010 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

southeastastra · 28/01/2010 21:47

when my son was about the same age, he bit a girl, i dithered about what to do..

the next day, as i was dithering, the little girl came straight up to me and told me what he'd done

she sort of sorted it out herself

puddinghead · 28/01/2010 21:56

I don't get all this apologising parent to parent. If your child has done something unacceptable then THEY should do the apologising. But in this situation I agree that the teacher dealt with it appropriately, as did LEM and it's OTT to send out more apologies. By all means acknowledge the incident to other parent and find out how the child is/how they took it etc. and let said parent know you have spoken to yours and outlined the dangers etc.

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