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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD and her friend throttled another child at school today, AIBU not to tell DD off?

141 replies

LEMhasgonetothedogs · 28/01/2010 20:50

They are four.

HOW EMBARRASING FFS!!!

Went to pick up DD from school and one of the other mums called me over to forwarn me that the teacher would want a word.

Anyway, it turns out that the girls were playing and my DD and her friend both had either end of another girls scarf and were pulling . Enough to mark oh dear!

Anyway, the teacher said there was no malice but that she obviously spoke to them about the dangers etc. I said i would talk to DD and the teacher sort of waved her hand as if to say, oh its done and dusted now - they wasn[t being nasty.

I did speak to DD and explain that she must be really carefull playing and never to pull things around someone's neck. She looked v sheepish and said it wasn't her - which of course it was - and i said it was ok and that she wasn't in trouble but just so she knows it is dangerous and never to do it again. I mean, it could have been nasty couldnt it

I'm going to be MORTIFIED at school in the morning, i don't know the other mum, but do you think its worth me seeking her out and apologising - even though there was no malice? or best leave it? I guess the teacher would have had to tell her what happened.

OP posts:

PlumBumMum · 28/01/2010 21:59

OMG why would she pick her dd up from school and start shouting at her after the fact.
Shes been warned over the dangers and as for the lying,
my dcs have said things weren't their simply because they didn't see how something was the consequence of their actions not because they were being decietful

My ds has come home with many a bump from playing in the playground and I haven't recieved any apologies and don't expect them!

madamearcati · 28/01/2010 22:12

She didn't do it to be mean she was just playing a game.She didn't realise it was dangerous , but thanks to you and the teacher she does now.
It's been handled.Move on now
The most worrying bit was the lying and she maybe should have been given her 4 minutes on teh naughty step , but that's not what you were asking about.

wolfear · 28/01/2010 22:20

You should get your daughter to say sorry for hurting her friend, even though she didn't mean to. A sorry card? Do people really make these???

TheUsefulSuspect · 28/01/2010 22:21

This thread and the OP show exactly why a lot of children today have no respect and are practically feral

TheFirstLady · 28/01/2010 22:26

Oh please. They were playing, it got out of hand, its been sorted. Not exactly Lord of the Flies. You handled it fine, LEM, draw a line and move on.

mazzystartled · 28/01/2010 22:34

presumably the teacher will have ensured that the children apologised at the time?

5inthebed · 28/01/2010 22:37

I can't believe how hysterical and rude some people are being! I hardly think the Ops DD is feral!

I'd have told my child that it was wrong and gave a short explaination either on the way home from school or at home. 4 year olds aren;t going to remember what they did yesterday so pointless even doing it the day after.

daytoday · 28/01/2010 22:40

I absolutely think that she is only 4 and has been a bit silly. However, because they have only just started school (I presume?) I would probably sidle up to the parent, introduce myself and acknowledge the incident and just say something like "The teacher told me they were playing with the scarf and it went a bit wrong . . . is she ok." etc etc.

Obviously, sounds like either of these 3 girls could have got caught in the middle. However, this is more to do with showing the other parent you know what happened - and care. If her daughter has just started school too - then she may be feeling over sensitive. It's lovely for other people to show they care, especially in the early years.

My son had a 'silly incident' when he was in reception. The other parent actually came up to me and said 'boys will be boys' I thought it was so sweet of her to do that - and was the start of a lovely friendship.

You've dealt with the issue with your daughter. Invite the other girl and her parent over, on a playdate to show everything is fine?

HerBeatitude · 28/01/2010 22:45

I think this thread shows hwo some hysterical people demonise children tbh.

I wouldn't bother to tell her off, it's all been dealt with and you've already re-inforced the lesson with the calm talk about danger. Giving her a bollocking is simply not necessary and is all about adults feeling that "something must be done" because the world is going to hell in a handcart, rather than your DD learning anything else useful.

YANBU.

bibbitybobbityhat · 28/01/2010 22:48

I think this is a special case and not a run of the mill playground injury, though. Yes, Lem's daughter should definitely apologise. And she should be told off quite firmly because this is such a seriously dangerous thing to do. We pick our battles don't we? We try not to get cross and upset about the trivia. We don't shout and tell our children off all day long. So when a child is putting another child at risk (whether they intended to or not) then they need to know that it is never in any circumstances acceptable. It needs to be marked out as a good deal more serious than a knock or a bump or pulling of the hair. A very firm and serious talking to is called for.

cheesesarnie · 28/01/2010 22:56

at some responses!might as well lock up all 4 year olds.

shes 4,playing went a little too far.it was dealt with at school(i expect teacher got them to apologise at the time),op spoke to her dd about it....its over!

BettySuarez · 28/01/2010 23:13

At the very least, I would talk to the other girls mum in the morning to check that she was ok

mumtolawyer · 28/01/2010 23:47

If the teacher told her off then all that will happen if, whenever the little girl tells her mum about something she did wrong, she gets a second telling off at home is that she will stop telling her mum - or learn to lie more believably. Personally, I'd rather my DD told me. If the school has dealt with it then that should be the end of it unless the school want you to take it further at home. And anyway, didn't the school ask them to kiss and make up, with appropriate sorries?
I agree with cheesesarnie, second go at punishment will more likely backfire than do any good.

TheUsefulSuspect · 29/01/2010 00:08

My point is, the failure of the parent to discipline children at an early age leads to the ill-disciplined and feral children that are becoming more common

injure another child - have a fruitshoot
lie to mum - have some haribo

Sounds like it was a good job the teacher was on the ball, or it could have been tragic.

Still, god forbid Mumsy Wumsy tells off her princess.

madamearcati · 29/01/2010 00:12

I don't think that is the case Theusefulsuspect most kids want to be good.

kinnies · 29/01/2010 00:16

I dont think the ops DD should be punished for accidently hurting the other child. She didnt mean to and she is young enough for it to have just been a mistake. We all make them.
I would however have really told my Dc off for fibbing. I just wont put up with it from them at all.
All in all a storm in a tea cup really.

claw3 · 29/01/2010 00:16

LEM, It was an accident, the school and you have both explained the dangers and told dd not to do it again, i think thats enough.

Im assuming the school got your dd to say sorry at the time. Wouldnt hurt to check with the mum, to make sure little girl is ok, seen as it wasnt a 'run of the mill' kind of accident.

JeremyVile · 29/01/2010 00:37

Aibu not to tell dd off?

You should tell her off. Why on earth would I tell her off???

You're happy with how you handled it, no need for an aibu thread, surely?

coldtits · 29/01/2010 00:55

If you can prove to me that this four year old child

A) has enough understanding of human anatomy to know that cutting off oxygen to the brain causes death and

B) enough skepticism of the organised religion shoved down every State educated British child's throat to know that most people do NOT rise from the dead if you put them in a cave for 3 days and eat chocolate eggs,

and THUS is culpable of the criminal act of endangering human life, she's clearly gifted. I'll vote for her in the election of 2057.

BalloonSlayer · 29/01/2010 08:16

I would have told my DC off in a "I am angry at you for doing something so stupidly dangerous" sort of way.

I would also seek out the other Mum and say sorry. She is almost certainly more upset than her DD.

I would ask whether her DD is OK now about it, and whether it would help if I got mine to write a little card, or would it be best forgotten.

As for the "it wasn't me," I thought that was normal at 4, not a heinous act indicating a life of crime ahead. Now, my older DCs (8 and 9) deny everything all the time at the moment, and I think they are far too old to be doing so. They opened some Christmas presents early and denied they had done it. They didn't even have the wit to sellotape the paper back together . These lies drive me batty, and I get very upset and angry about them. I did wonder whether I was being unreasonable and whether it was normal for kids these days. I see not - and shall toughen up.

Morloth · 29/01/2010 08:21

DS would get a telling off from me for something that dangerous/silly even though there was no harm meant.

BURN it in. It also doesn't hurt for her to be aware that you will find out what happens at school and follow it up at home.

My teacher's discipline etc had bugger all effect on how I behaved at school. It was knowing that my Mum would know that made sure I behaved.

foxinsocks · 29/01/2010 08:41

in yr1, some boy wrapped a skipping rope round ds's neck (left a mark) and then he got bashed over the head with the wooden handle

the other mother did come and speak to me and I was pleased she did - she was absolutely mortified and I told her it was fine. Her first words were 'I'm sure he didn't mean it, he isn't malicious' and tbh, I didn't think he was but I was upset that ds had been hurt and was pleased that she took the time to come and speak to me about it. I wasn't cross with her at all.

Just think it is good manners - it's as if you're acknowledging it's happened iyswim and clearing the air.

I don't think there's any need to do it but for the sake of good relations, it can't do any harm to just say 'oh weren't they being silly, hope your dd is ok, seemed like a very silly game. The teacher and I have spoken about the dangers of wrapping things round necks so I don't think they'll be doing it again!' something like that.

diddl · 29/01/2010 09:25

Of course they don´t know about strangulation at that age, but perhaps that something would hurt or be uncomfortable?

I would also have had to say something to reinforce how dangerous it was.

bellissima · 29/01/2010 09:30

Four is a bit young, but maybe a quiet word. My (the Yr 1) DD's leg was broken this time last year by two Yr 6s horsing around. Wasn't deliberate but one (known to be aggressive - my DD was frightened of her) pushed another onto DD. DD missed several weeks school. Neither she nor I ever received a word of apology from either girl or either of their mothers. I'm still disgusted.

ilovesprouts · 29/01/2010 09:36

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