to dislike a person because they won't give lifts?

[Undercovamutha]

(Long sorry!)

My BiL is generally quite a nice bloke. He and my sister seem to get on great and he is good with my DCs. However I can't get over how selfish he is with giving people lifts in his car.

Its always been a bit of a family joke that my DSis cadges lifts of EVERYONE! She has passed her driving test but has never had her own car and won't drive BiL's as she thinks it is too big (he has never encouraged her to drive AFAIK). She quite often expects me to pick her up on the way to my parents (which is quite a hassle as I have 2 young DCs and it makes the journey about 2 hours rather than just over one hour), and if she gets the train to my parents they always pick her up from the station and still give her lifts out to meet her friends.

On quite a number of occasions she has been picked up from the station soaking wet, cos she has had to catch 2 buses and walked 30mins to get from her house to her local station in the torrential rain. When asked, it has turned out that BiL was at home, but was a bit tired/hungover/watching football so she didn't like to ask him for a lift (he is her H ffs!). I find this quite unbelievable tbh!

Anyway, at a recent family gathering at my parents house, BiL refused to drop our recently widowed Aunt (who can't drive, her late husband used to do all the driving) off home, cos he was tired and just wanted to get home as quick as possible to 'chill out'. It would have been about 15 mins out of their way, as she lives quite near to them. In the end because of his point blank refusal, my DH had to make a 1.5 hour round trip (we were staying at my parents, BiL and DSis were going back to their house) to drop Aunt off - who felt awful then for putting him out.

AIBU to totally dislike BiL for his pathetic selfishness and ungenerosity (sp), and to think that it is a bad reflection on him as a person? Or is it totally reasonable of him to refuse cos its his car, his life?

YANBU, he sounds like a knob, who won't go 15 mins out of their way?

YANBU, but your sister is BU expecting you to pick her up at significant disruption and inconvenience to yourself and your DC when she is perfectly capable of driving.

He sounds like a twat.

I'd tell him that, too.

Total tosser imho.

Did the family not say 'WTF are you on? get in that car and take her home please?'

To be fair, if the rest of the family enable this but giving your sister lifts and making a joke of what a selfish twat he is then what do you expect?

Maybe he is refusing all lifts because he is sick of running your sister everywhere? If she drove, she could have taken your aunt home, saved you and your parents ferrying her about like teenager etc.

I think you cross with wrong person

I have put my foot down with my DSis a bit more lately, and am encouraging parents to do so as well (although she is their 'baby' yadda yadda yadda......), She is nearly 30, and Bil is 34 fgs.

We asked BiL a few times prior to the gathering (about the lift for my Aunt) and he said no he'd rather not! I told my mum to shame him into it by asking him again in person, as I hate it when people get away with murder because other (nicer) people don't want a scene. We asked him together, and cool as a cucumber he just said no! I couldn't believe it. We then told him what we thought about it, but he stuck to his guns! I mean, who would DO that!?!

My DSis just looked a bit embarrassed, but said 'well he IS very tired'!

why won't your sister drive herself?

Then I wouldn't bother inviting him at all to jack shit.

I really wouldn't.

I'd tell him I was 'too tired' to cook his part of the meal, so there's none for him.

I'm a bitch, though .

Apparently they haven't got enough money for 2 cars (although they earn more than us but have lots of fancy holidays !). And DSis (who hasn't driven since passing her test) thinks the car BiL has recently bought is too big for her to drive (its a big saloon type).

"he has never encouraged her to drive AFAIK"

This seems a bit weird to me. Why does she need him to encourage her?

Arghhhh you hate it when people get away with things because others are too nice?! What you mean like your sister????

She didn't have to stand their all awkward she could have just taken the keys, told him to pull himself together and driven all three of them away.

But no because she doesn't want to drive. Just like BIL doesn't want to drive. As bad as each other.

maybe suggest to her that she gets lessons in his car to help her get used to it? Or does he not want her to drive it at all do you think?

Christ on a bike, that's lazy!! My DH doesn't drive but he has been known to turn out in the snow to walk my friend home from our local as she and I were a leetle bit pissed and she was a bit unsteady on her feet. And poor ol' DH hadn't even been to the pub, he was at home with the DDs.

licence will let you drive to 7 ton - then you need to have lessons to drive a big vehicle, so anything under 7 ton your ds can drive - a car is a car once you can drive

she's just as lazy, too.

and i'd have no problem telling my own sister that, either, or her me.

Wingandprayer - no I meant like my Mum. My mum hates a scene, and tends to go for the path of least resistance. Whereas I like to name and shame!!!

Flowery - I guess she doesn't need encouraging. But she wasn't happy that he bought such a big car, as apparently she wanted them to get a smaller one so she could start to use it a bit.

However, I didn't drive when I was at Uni (couldn't afford a car) so when I met DH, he took me out a few times and gave me some 'refresher lessons' to get my confidence back.

Absolutely, the man sounds bloody awful. And I agree that you (and your parents) should stop giving your sister lifts because he's using that as a reason to carry on being bone-idle. It's actually your sister's responsibility to put her foot down at home and insist on him getting off his backside and you should remind her of that. 'Didn't like to ask' is very passive. She should be encouraged to get a small car to get about in. It was also her responsibility to get him to take the aunt home from the gathering. If the pair of them 'get on great' it's only because she's being a doormat.

YANBU about your BIL, he sounds like a lazy inconsiderate twat.

Your sister is getting off way too lightly though, while those around her continue to indulge her with lifts everywhere.

DP couldn't drive for the first 3 years of our relationship, like a fool, I ferried him everywhere, didn't drink when we went out etc....I then came to my senses, stopped the lifts, he had to start getting 2 buses to work in the cold...he soon booked his lessons - and passed within 2 months. And he thanked me for it!

Is your sis scared/anxious about driving, or is it just a can't be arsed thing? Worth finding out...

IvyKaty - I totally agree. I have a big car myself and think its just a question of getting used to it. However, I know a lot of people who disagree!

Is your BIL somewhere on the ASD spectrum by any chance? It certainly sounds like it - a complete refusal to see another person' point of view and a dislike of having one's own routines disrupted.

Driving in general I mean - as maybe the "oh but our car is too big" thing is just an excuse... even the biggest saloon type car eg. Mondeo, Vectra, Rover 75 isn't that big. I learnt in a Micra, but now have a very large saloon car, took mere seconds to get used to.

I don't think she's lazy if she'll take two buses, a train, and walk 30 minutes in the rain. It sounds like she's doing anything to avoid driving. Or her h is refusing to let her use the car.