to dislike a person because they won't give lifts?

[Undercovamutha]

(Long sorry!)

My BiL is generally quite a nice bloke. He and my sister seem to get on great and he is good with my DCs. However I can't get over how selfish he is with giving people lifts in his car.

Its always been a bit of a family joke that my DSis cadges lifts of EVERYONE! She has passed her driving test but has never had her own car and won't drive BiL's as she thinks it is too big (he has never encouraged her to drive AFAIK). She quite often expects me to pick her up on the way to my parents (which is quite a hassle as I have 2 young DCs and it makes the journey about 2 hours rather than just over one hour), and if she gets the train to my parents they always pick her up from the station and still give her lifts out to meet her friends.

On quite a number of occasions she has been picked up from the station soaking wet, cos she has had to catch 2 buses and walked 30mins to get from her house to her local station in the torrential rain. When asked, it has turned out that BiL was at home, but was a bit tired/hungover/watching football so she didn't like to ask him for a lift (he is her H ffs!). I find this quite unbelievable tbh!

Anyway, at a recent family gathering at my parents house, BiL refused to drop our recently widowed Aunt (who can't drive, her late husband used to do all the driving) off home, cos he was tired and just wanted to get home as quick as possible to 'chill out'. It would have been about 15 mins out of their way, as she lives quite near to them. In the end because of his point blank refusal, my DH had to make a 1.5 hour round trip (we were staying at my parents, BiL and DSis were going back to their house) to drop Aunt off - who felt awful then for putting him out.

AIBU to totally dislike BiL for his pathetic selfishness and ungenerosity (sp), and to think that it is a bad reflection on him as a person? Or is it totally reasonable of him to refuse cos its his car, his life?

MayorQuimby - as I mentioned earlier he was not publicly shamed, he was asked in person (as opposed to on the phone when actually my sister had asked him and been told he'd probably rather not), in front of my mum, me and sis.

IMO if you are a selfish SOB who (continuously) takes advantage of other peoples better nature, then you deserve to be confronted. Maybe then you may rightfully feel a bit guilty.

It seems clear from this thread however that there are some generous people and other self-centred people. My BiL falls into the latter category as far as I'm concerned. I am fed up with everyone tiptoeing round his feelings whilst he takes advantage of everyone elses good nature (and the same for my DSis if I'm being honest). Grrrrr!

I guess you think it much fairer for either my poor Aunt not to have come, or for my DH to go 8 times more out of his way. There were alternative arrangements - my DH - but I'm not prepared for him to be taken of to spare my BiL's feelings. Its not like BiL gave 2 hoots anyway!

"in front of my mum, me and sis."

In the hope that when he was confronted very own words by other people he'd change his mind due to you and your mum guilting him into it. What's not public about that? In your very own words from the OP it was an attempt to shame him into doing it by confronting him in person in front of others (you and your mum) and put him on the spot.It doesn't have to be a raft of people to make it public, you were hoping to use the pressure of the presence of others to make him change his mind, to my mind that's an attempt at public shaming.

God MorningPaper thanks for mentioning Trago fucking Mills - took me screaming back to childhood (for those who don't know, it's a crappy shopping centre viewed as a 'fun day out' in some west country circles).

BIL is a bit of a selfish so and so, but agree that why should he ferry everyone about? Was a bit of a sorry idea to ask him in front of people (when he has already said no to a request) to try and shame him into agreeing. Got to admire his nerve in syaying no.

I used to be one of those daft women who couldn't drive. I bloody hated it and cadged lifts everywhere. I must have been an annoying twat to others. Can understand people's exasperation witgh those who refuse to drive for no apparent reason.

Drive everywhere now and it is great not to be beholden on anyone.

dunno how i managed to type that so badly and place a random "very own words" into the middle of a sentence it had no bussiness being in

This is the precise reason why my dad arranged driving lessons for me and my brother the day we turned 17. My mother doesn't drive and always needs ferrying around although everyone is happy to do it. My dad said if you don't learn when you hit 17 then you probably won't get round to it ever. And from what I've seen of friends he was right. I'm 38 and the only one of my friends who can drive. The others are still saving for lessons...

sorry haven't read the entire thread
but YANBU

he is selfish twat

but I also can't bear women profess they are too feeble to drive

'BIL is a bit of a selfish so and so, but agree that why should he ferry everyone about?'

For a start, he wasn't asked to ferry EVERYONE about. He was asked to go 15 minutes out of his way to help an elderly, recently widowed woman get home, after she had spent one day with family (having spent the rest of Xmas at home alone). But hey, he doesn't HAVE to do anything. Noone does. But if you can't be bothered to be a nice person, you shouldn't be surprised if people call you on it.

It wouldn't have even occurred to me to say no if I was him. In fact, I would have offered to start with, like any decent person would have IMHO!

It sounds as if your sister lacks confidence: she won't ask her own husband for a lift therefore I'd imagine she certainly wouldn't ask to 'borrow his' car. She's probably frightened of his reaction if she pranged it, even though it is supposed to be theirs. I think the size of the car isn't really the issue...rather an excuse. Also the bigger the gap before she drives again, the less confidence she will have.

Could you advise her to get herself a little run around? It would give her (and the rest of the family) more independence.

Also, she could come to family events without BIL