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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dislike a person because they won't give lifts?

109 replies

Undercovamutha · 28/01/2010 13:29

(Long sorry!)

My BiL is generally quite a nice bloke. He and my sister seem to get on great and he is good with my DCs. However I can't get over how selfish he is with giving people lifts in his car.

Its always been a bit of a family joke that my DSis cadges lifts of EVERYONE! She has passed her driving test but has never had her own car and won't drive BiL's as she thinks it is too big (he has never encouraged her to drive AFAIK). She quite often expects me to pick her up on the way to my parents (which is quite a hassle as I have 2 young DCs and it makes the journey about 2 hours rather than just over one hour), and if she gets the train to my parents they always pick her up from the station and still give her lifts out to meet her friends.

On quite a number of occasions she has been picked up from the station soaking wet, cos she has had to catch 2 buses and walked 30mins to get from her house to her local station in the torrential rain. When asked, it has turned out that BiL was at home, but was a bit tired/hungover/watching football so she didn't like to ask him for a lift (he is her H ffs!). I find this quite unbelievable tbh!

Anyway, at a recent family gathering at my parents house, BiL refused to drop our recently widowed Aunt (who can't drive, her late husband used to do all the driving) off home, cos he was tired and just wanted to get home as quick as possible to 'chill out'. It would have been about 15 mins out of their way, as she lives quite near to them. In the end because of his point blank refusal, my DH had to make a 1.5 hour round trip (we were staying at my parents, BiL and DSis were going back to their house) to drop Aunt off - who felt awful then for putting him out.

AIBU to totally dislike BiL for his pathetic selfishness and ungenerosity (sp), and to think that it is a bad reflection on him as a person? Or is it totally reasonable of him to refuse cos its his car, his life?

OP posts:
Original poster
Undercovamutha · 28/01/2010 16:06

BTW I guess I am influenced by the fact that my DH is very generous with his time. He has his faults, but he always goes out of his way to help people. If a friend's car broke down, or a family member needed a lift to hospital, or I need picking up from a night out, he is always more than happy to put himself out. That IMHO is the sign of a nice, generous person.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 28/01/2010 16:15

I think the women in your family need to learn to drive

Why are the men doing all the "driving around"?

It's tedious and unecessary!

IncontinentiaBotox · 28/01/2010 16:15

I wondered how long it would be before someone speculated that he might have ASD

it didn't take long

bit depressing tbh that ASD is seen as synonymous with "selfish rude prick with no social skills"

Original poster
Undercovamutha · 28/01/2010 16:29

MP - my sister is the only woman in our family who can't drive apart from my 78yo Aunt, and my 90yo Nan!

My mum is the main driver out of her and my dad. Me and my DH have always had our own cars since we met, and I drive the bigger one.

Don't read into my posts that we are all weak females!

OP posts:
minxofmancunia · 28/01/2010 16:34

hmmm, I feel for the aunt but as morningpaper says why go somewhere without a concrete plan of how to get home.

I'm a bit torn on this MiL doesn't drive and doesn't sort herself out at ALL re transport. We've lived in M/CR 15 years and she still doesn't know what times the trains run OR how to phone/look online to find out. It's a PITA. Her and her husband who was her taxi basically split up 18 years ago and the long and the short of it is she needed to learn to drive but couldn't be bothered.

However saying that when she comes to take dd out for the afternoon I do feel bad that she has to get the bus back to the station particularly in the dark so ask dh to drive her (his Mum so i think he should offer) but he refuses saying she's fine on the bus. I then feel bad and give her a lift and end up thinking he's a selfish w**ker.

Re your sister not wanting to drive a big car falls into the same nonsense category as not wanting to drive on the motorway/places you don't know. get. a. grip.

woodyandbuzz · 28/01/2010 16:40

Tell him to sell his big posh car and get 2 ordinary cars so they can have one each.

BitOfFun · 28/01/2010 16:52

Wow, I never thought morningpaper was such a hard-ass

OP, I totally agree that your BIL is a selfish twunt, and feel a bit sorry for your sister. Do you think she tiptoes around his feelings like this on other issues too?

morningpaper · 28/01/2010 16:54

women who can't drive drive me up the wall

can you tell?

I just think it is horribly unfair for elderly relatives to be dependent on younger relatives like this

as I frequently tell my therapist

pigletmania · 28/01/2010 16:56

Totally selfish imo, my dh used to be like that, I dont drive, but now he is miles better after I had a go at him, and he has mellowed somewhat.

AvengingGerbil · 28/01/2010 17:07

MP, On the whole I would prefer 78 year olds (male or female) to stay off the roads.

I know some are excellent drivers, but far more have slow reaction times, and many have poor vision. Annual tests should be compulsory over 70 (that's another thread).

My FIL drove until he was 80, despite being virtually blind. The day he reversed up a dual carriageway because he had missed the exit was the day I swore never to get in a vehicle with him again.

It was only pure luck that meant he never killed anyone, and there is no way for relatives to 'report' this to the DVLC to get their licence revoked - only AFTER an accident.

So I think it is wildly unreasonable of you to require OP's aunt to learn to drive now!

serenity · 28/01/2010 17:23

Devils advocate I know, but is it possible your BIL is fed up with your sister not driving, and this is his (slightly passive aggressive) stance against it? Maybe that's why she's ok with the public transport - she's embarrassed that he won't drive her if she won't drive herself? It would irritate the hell out of me if DH learnt, then said the car was 'too big' (and we have a very long 7 seater estate, no harder to drive than the mini I used to have. She needs to grit her teeth and just do it)

Mumcentreplus · 28/01/2010 17:28

I cant drive and neither can my DH..

He's a selfish git and he should be ashamed imo..yes it's up to him if he wants to give people a lift or not but is he really being decent by refusing?...fuksake he's wrong

and why cant older relatives depend alittle or even alot if required?...I'm sure they helped out when you were younger..are we talking about even your parents being a burden..the level of selfishness is astounding in some people..

I pity his wife

morningpaper · 28/01/2010 17:28

My grandma learnt to drive when she was 83, so that should could ferry "all the old people" to Trago Mills

respec' to granma now

morningpaper · 28/01/2010 17:29

I also seriously suspect that people who are sarcastic about older relatives being a burden don't have caring responsibilities for their own

getOVERyourself · 28/01/2010 17:38

To be fair though mp, Aunt did express doubts about how she'd get home and wasn't going to come, and was assured it was all in hand. So she wasn't exactly being a dependent elderly relative, she thought about her trip home and was told it was all sorted. And expecting her to learn to drive in the 3 months since her husband died is possibly asking a bit much.

BIL does sound like a selfish twunt though. Even if it was horribly inconvenient, me or DP would be phsyically incapable of helping out where needed, especially if asked directly. But then maybe that's not such a good thing, it can be a right PITA occasionally!

Mumcentreplus · 28/01/2010 17:39

Nope not yet luckily but I'm postive they will come, its called LIFE..

sayithowitis · 28/01/2010 17:40

Well, I guess that according to MP's logic, my late Dad was very unreasonable when he was told he could no longer drive at the age of 73 and had to rely on other family members to drive him to hospital appointments or to social events an so on.

I would not expect a 78 year old to be driving long distances tbh, I know some do, but most of the older drivers I know tend to prefer not to drive much further than their local shops. Also, if she has never learnt to drive, it is not reasonable to expect her to learn at that age! It may be that when she agreed to visit the OPs family, she was told that someone would be able to give her a lift and so did not have any reason to arrange anything else. Again, IME, people of that age are generally quite independant and hate having to rely on others for anything.

FWIW, I too think the OP's BIL was a selfish b£$&"^d. I just hope that someone treats him the same some day.

skidoodle · 28/01/2010 18:14

Only a complete and utter shitbag would refuse to give an elderly, recently widowed relative a lift home from a party when they lived 15 minutes from them.

Original poster
Undercovamutha · 28/01/2010 18:21

Hoorah the tide is turning again! But MP I have enjoyed our discussions!!!!

But out of all the people who may have BU in this scenario (me for giving my DSis lifts in the past, my parents for mollycoddling DSis, DSis for letting her H be such an arse, and of course BiL), I really think my Aunt isn't one of them. Bless her, she really had to be persuaded to come, and she had such a lovely time, even though she was obviously so sad my Uncle wasn't there as well. She would have hated to think she was putting anyone out.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 28/01/2010 18:22

No

AGREE WITH ME

getOVERyourself · 28/01/2010 18:23

Are you using voodoo mind control mp?

Or just yelling at your monitor?

SHAN'T!

Original poster
Undercovamutha · 28/01/2010 18:23

No

AGREE WITH ME

OP posts:
sarah293 · 28/01/2010 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 28/01/2010 18:25

just sort of shouting really

It's the effect of having some sort of mild cold flu and drinking beer

getOVERyourself · 28/01/2010 18:36

ah. have you mixed OTC cold remedies and alcohol?

Norty morningpaper.

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