to dislike a person because they won't give lifts?

[Undercovamutha]

(Long sorry!)

My BiL is generally quite a nice bloke. He and my sister seem to get on great and he is good with my DCs. However I can't get over how selfish he is with giving people lifts in his car.

Its always been a bit of a family joke that my DSis cadges lifts of EVERYONE! She has passed her driving test but has never had her own car and won't drive BiL's as she thinks it is too big (he has never encouraged her to drive AFAIK). She quite often expects me to pick her up on the way to my parents (which is quite a hassle as I have 2 young DCs and it makes the journey about 2 hours rather than just over one hour), and if she gets the train to my parents they always pick her up from the station and still give her lifts out to meet her friends.

On quite a number of occasions she has been picked up from the station soaking wet, cos she has had to catch 2 buses and walked 30mins to get from her house to her local station in the torrential rain. When asked, it has turned out that BiL was at home, but was a bit tired/hungover/watching football so she didn't like to ask him for a lift (he is her H ffs!). I find this quite unbelievable tbh!

Anyway, at a recent family gathering at my parents house, BiL refused to drop our recently widowed Aunt (who can't drive, her late husband used to do all the driving) off home, cos he was tired and just wanted to get home as quick as possible to 'chill out'. It would have been about 15 mins out of their way, as she lives quite near to them. In the end because of his point blank refusal, my DH had to make a 1.5 hour round trip (we were staying at my parents, BiL and DSis were going back to their house) to drop Aunt off - who felt awful then for putting him out.

AIBU to totally dislike BiL for his pathetic selfishness and ungenerosity (sp), and to think that it is a bad reflection on him as a person? Or is it totally reasonable of him to refuse cos its his car, his life?

IME big cars are easier to drive than small cars.

BIL is a selfish plonker

well I dont drive, I had lessons but had so many panic attacks I ended up in a total state not able to leave the house or anything (dont know if it was the driving that did this or a combination of things but in my head it was the driving and thats what matters!). I wouldnt call people up asking for lifts, I use buses etc get a taxi or just dont go.
Stop offering lifts for anything other than a real emergency, its her problem not yours. I wouldnt expect other people to deal with it because of my stupid panics!Perhaps she has something similar going on she certainly goes of of her way to avoid driving.

Your BIL was unreasonable with your aunt though that was just mean.

you all sound a bit bonkers but why did you Aunt travel so far away without having some sort of PLAN to return home? That's bonkers too

It sounds like your sister needs a bit more backbone and to stand up to your BIL. YANBU; he's totally out of line, though it sounds like your family aren't helping the situation by perpetuating it with constant lifts for your sister.

Out of interest, why on Earth did he buy a car that your Sister didn't want? Surely that should be a join decision? It sounds like your sister is getting walked on in this relationship, and that is not healthy at all.

As for your Aunt, I can't believe he was that selfish! Definitely stop inviting him to family gatherings if he's going to be that rude. If he doesn't make an effort, why should you? Leave him at home with his booze and football, and give your sister the courage to drive to things alone so she can get on with her life. Maybe she'll realise what an arse he's bing and do something more about it.

MP: This was the first Xmas that my Aunt has spent on her own. She ALWAYS comes to our post-xmas party, and we were all really keen that she came as we have been feeling so sorry for her. She's so lonely. Her DH only died 3m ago and they had been married for 50+ years. My mum asked her to come, and told me she was worried about getting her back home (other members of the extended family brought her and went well out of their way). I said that we would help if it was necessary, but then when we found out BiL and Sis were going home to theirs, it seemed by far the most sensible thing for them top take her.

I think it is a bit harsh to expect him to give her a lift and to ask him in public TBH

MP: my mum asked BiL a few days BEFORE and he said probably not. When I found out I encouraged her to ask him again face to face, shortly before everyone arrived for the party. She did (DSis and I were the only ones there) and he outright said no. Mum then said that that would mean my DH having to make a 1.5hr round trip (which he had not minded doing until he found out how much easier it would be for BiL), whereas BiL would have had to go 15mins out of his way. BiL refused again and said he had had a very busy Xmas and was very tired and just wanted to get straight home. So DH took Aunt, and didn't say a word to her about the situation, but she's not daft and obviously thought it was a bit strange.

well TBH I sympathise with your BIL

your aunt needs to arrange public transport or learn to drive

it's not fair for elderly relatives to be a burden for other family members in this way, they need to take responsibility for themselves

The whole thing sounds completely mad.

Stop giving your sister lifts and tell her to get a backbone (either learn to drive the big car, arrange to get a smaller one, or for her DH to give her lifts), tell your BIL he is a knob and don't invite him anymore and the next time sometime tells you days ahead that they are not going to be doing something. Don't then bring it up on the day and expect a different answer.

morinngpaper are you kidding? Her husband died 3 MONTHS ago!!

MP - I am presuming you are either joking or trying to provoke a reaction?

Agree with Belgo and MadamDeathStare. If your DSis has never driven since passing her test she is probably terrified to even try, especially in a big car that her obnoxious H is territorial over. She may not even be insured on it.

You could give her some encouragement to try driving, either in yours or in his (again, insurance permitting). Then if she gets her confidence up, encourage her to see whether she could afford her own small one or offer to pay for the increase in insurance.

You would NBU not to, but I'm sure she would appreciate it - if only in the long term
You could even say, next time she asks for a lift, you will give her a lift if she drives herself (with you in the front seat). Hopefully, with some persuasion and encouragement, she'll realise that she is capable of driving.

Of course this may cause arguments with BIL who is used to having the car to himself - he'll have get to used to sharing the car, or even sharing the driving - but that's for your DSis and BIL to sort out. Her relying on other people for lifts all the time - even if it's her DH - is not really fair.

I learnt to drive late and vividly remember the terror I felt when I had to get myself from A to B, even six months after passing the test and driving most weekends since. Posters with no sympathy probably learnt at age 17 when they had no fear!

Re your elderly aunt, YANBU, your BIL is a selfish twunt.

no I'm not joking, I sympathise with your BIL

your BIL said he wouldn't give her a lift - you wanted him to change his mind

If you feel that she is your responsibility, then it's up to you to drive her

I sympathise with HIM in this situation

Why did your sister agree to the purchase of a car that she cannot drive?

and you need to tell your sister to drive or else she will end up like your aunt

you are blaming a lot of this on the MEN not looking after women, which is unfair IME

your sister needs to take responsibility for herself

MP - what I wanted was for him to not be a complete TWAT and act like a decent person! Sometimes its pretty tiresome to have to be the one doing the right thing, therefore letting the lazy selfish people off the hook. We had NO problem helping my Aunt, and were glad to do so. What I was not glad to do was to let my BiL off the hook YET AGAIN for his selfishness. I'm glad we asked him again, cos he showed his true colours. He's done this many times before and everyone has always apologised for his selfishness, and never called him on it.

And if you really think that about my Aunt, then I feel sorry for you when you get old and need support and caring.

Morloth - no idea!

Actually I do think that you contributed to embarrassing your poor aunt by making a public issue out of trying to force your BIL to drive her home when he had already refused. No one likes being the subject of a row, after all - given that BIL had said no, you should have made other arrangements for the aunt and tackled BIL about his selfishness somewhere it didn't make the poor woman feel like a complete burden to the rest of the family.
Bear in mind that you can't force another person to change his/her behaviour. For whatever reason, your BIL won't give other people lifts. So stop expecting him to - don't pick up the slack yourself when it's your SIL but don't put other people (like an elderly widow) in the middle of a petty family squabble.

YABU - for pestering your BIL to give lifts to your family members when he already said no 2 or 3 times and to then try to embarres him and make him look bad by asking him in public.

I expect he's fed up of the lot of you and your constant demands.

That sounds a bit unsympathetic sorry so can I just give you a word of advice?

Do things for yourself. Never ever ever ask another person to do something you are capable of doing yourself. I don't understand these double standards whereby people complain about other people doing things they don't wanna do themselves. It works both ways. If it's an inconvenience to you, it's inconvenient for him.

I expect you're annoyed by a lot of things he does.

I think BIL is a bit of a twonk, but I don't understand why you are pissed at him more than your sister - she is an adult, capable of driving and making her own decisions so is totally at fault for her own lift begging and 50% at fault for the Aunt situation.

STOP GIVING YOUR SISTER LIFTS

your bil sounds like a tosser but your sis sounds very spoilt. I'm 5'3 and i drive a bloody enormous estate. apart from knowing your corners are a bit further away its no different than driving a small car. She needs to pull herself together and if she's worried about driving then she should have a few more lessons to ease her back into it. but as for bil, i would just stop inviting him out. what a tosser for not giving auntie a lift, esp when she's feeling so emotionally fragile.

SGB - There was no public scene with my Aunt. As mentioned, we talked to BIL before anyone had arrived. He said no, and that was that. My aunt knew nothing of what had gone on, and there was no obvious ill feeling during the party. However, as BiL and DSis left at same time as Aunt, and she knows they live fairly near to her, she was obviously quite confused that my DH was taking her. We said nothing whatsoever to show that there was a problem.

Famished - what constant demands from our family? There have been a couple of times when we have asked my sister if BIL could bring her rather than my parents. For example, when she had been to my parents on boxing day in the past, BIL has refused to give her a lift, and THEY have expected my parents to do two round trips to pick her up as there was no public transport. It has not been DEMANDED of him - my parents have just said, 'are you able to make your own way' to which DSis has replied 'no, BIL wants to relax/is tired, so if I can't get a lift I won't be able to come'. Probably wrongly my parents have given her the lift, and she has played on their wishes to see her over Xmas. It drives me mad, and I know it is her fault. I am pissed off with both of them. But with regards to Xmas, I was particularly pissed off at BIL's attitude.

And its all very well saying don't invite him to things, but I am not the boss of all family events! And its also all very well to say don't pick up the slack but in situations like the one at Xmas re. my Aunt, we had no choice.

I'm sorry if IABU, but I have a real problem with selfishness, and tht selfishness being accepted. It's an ugly trait IMHO. Why is it always the reasonable generous people who get taken advantage of?

FWIW, I will NOT be giving DSis ANYMORE LIFTS!