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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dislike a person because they won't give lifts?

109 replies

Undercovamutha · 28/01/2010 13:29

(Long sorry!)

My BiL is generally quite a nice bloke. He and my sister seem to get on great and he is good with my DCs. However I can't get over how selfish he is with giving people lifts in his car.

Its always been a bit of a family joke that my DSis cadges lifts of EVERYONE! She has passed her driving test but has never had her own car and won't drive BiL's as she thinks it is too big (he has never encouraged her to drive AFAIK). She quite often expects me to pick her up on the way to my parents (which is quite a hassle as I have 2 young DCs and it makes the journey about 2 hours rather than just over one hour), and if she gets the train to my parents they always pick her up from the station and still give her lifts out to meet her friends.

On quite a number of occasions she has been picked up from the station soaking wet, cos she has had to catch 2 buses and walked 30mins to get from her house to her local station in the torrential rain. When asked, it has turned out that BiL was at home, but was a bit tired/hungover/watching football so she didn't like to ask him for a lift (he is her H ffs!). I find this quite unbelievable tbh!

Anyway, at a recent family gathering at my parents house, BiL refused to drop our recently widowed Aunt (who can't drive, her late husband used to do all the driving) off home, cos he was tired and just wanted to get home as quick as possible to 'chill out'. It would have been about 15 mins out of their way, as she lives quite near to them. In the end because of his point blank refusal, my DH had to make a 1.5 hour round trip (we were staying at my parents, BiL and DSis were going back to their house) to drop Aunt off - who felt awful then for putting him out.

AIBU to totally dislike BiL for his pathetic selfishness and ungenerosity (sp), and to think that it is a bad reflection on him as a person? Or is it totally reasonable of him to refuse cos its his car, his life?

OP posts:
morningpaper · 28/01/2010 18:37

oh is that bad?

I thought I was just over-doing the Kleenex Balsam...

getOVERyourself · 28/01/2010 18:42

Depends on the remedy. Anything with a decongestant can make you feel a little....tired and emotional when mixed with booze

Or SHOUTY at random strangers on t'internet

Maleeka · 28/01/2010 18:44

I'm the kind of mad person who doesnt mind giving lifts, but really hate asking others to give me a lift anywhere.

I've been driving since i was in my teens, i couldnt wait to get the freedom to just jump in my car and go anywhere i wanted without having to rely on anyone else.

I think your sister needs to get over herself and either learn to drive her other halfs car or get herself a little runaround.

Whats the bloody point of spending all that money to get a license and then take buses and trains in the rain??!!!

everlong · 28/01/2010 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Acanthus · 28/01/2010 18:47

Well I think you've got to the bottom of it, OP. Your BIL is a twat and you need to stop giving your DSis lifts.

ohfuschia · 28/01/2010 18:56

Yanbu BIL sounds like a prize pillock

Mumcentreplus · 28/01/2010 19:12

@ MP..it all fits now

morningpaper · 28/01/2010 19:14
bran · 28/01/2010 19:37

I sympathise with the OP's BIL. My DH has be 'going to learn to drive in the near future' for our entire marriage (19 years). He has no reason not to learn and if I let him he would treat me as a free taxi service. I get particularly narked if he offers my driving to other people without asking me first (although I would have no problem with dropping off an elderly relative who was on our way anyway).

I have to admit that I would (and have) be very difficult about driving him places if I wasn't going anyway. I really feel that by making a choice not to drive he has made a postive choice to make his own way by public transport, even if it's pissing down, even if it takes 10 times longer than me dropping him off.

Saying it would take me 10 mins of my time to drive him vs 50 mins for him to walk/take bus isn't the correct comparison. The correct comparison is 10 mins of his time to drive (if he would just be an adult and learn) vs 50 mins of his time by public transport.

Original poster
Undercovamutha · 28/01/2010 19:58

Everlong - a taxi would have cost a huge amount. Aunt lives about 45mins away from my parents house. She would have felt terrible if we'd tried to pay for it, and she probably wouldn't have been able to afford it herself.

Bran - I know what you mean totally, and I don't want to blame it ALL on my BiL, but I just get the feeling that he wouldn't let my DSis drive the car even if she had the inclination. He refers to it as HIS car, HE chose it (even though my DSis thought they should get a smaller one that she would feel more comfortable driving). He even bought it without discussing it with her. God knows what they will do if they ever have kids. I would imagine he will be at home watching the footy, with the car parked outside, whilst DSis drags the DCs to the supermarket by bus!

OP posts:
everlong · 28/01/2010 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumcentreplus · 28/01/2010 20:40

bran you are evil...how would you feel if the tables were turned and he let you take 50mins to get home out of principal?..I think its sucky

morningpaper · 28/01/2010 20:43

bra is absolutely RIGHT

morningpaper · 28/01/2010 20:43

BRAN

OrmRenewed · 28/01/2010 20:48

Agree with bran. I don't blame BIL. I have a non-driving MIL and SIL. Whenever there is a family event the question is asked 'but how is X going to get there?'. And the answer should be 'I don't care'....but it never is. So DH or I end up spending half our time ferrying people around the south-west.

Your sister can drive, she has access to a car. So it's her choice to travel by bus and get soaked.

bran · 28/01/2010 20:51

I am evil . If the tables were turned I would fecking well LEARN TO DRIVE.

Saying I should do all the driving to suit him is like saying that if one spouse hasn't learned to use a washing machine the other should just do all the laundry for ever because otherwise she would be being 'sucky'.

TBH even though I protect my time and effort aagainst being his personal chauffeur it still ends up being a pain in the neck. We are moving to Dublin soon which is very car-oriented and his refusal to drive is limiting where we can house-hunt. So he is having a negative impact on the whole family. When the DC go to birthday parties he won't be able to take or fetch them (unless the friends also live along the same tram/train route).

Mumcentreplus · 28/01/2010 20:54

using the washing machine is not the same as driving a car???...evil i tells ya

Mumcentreplus · 28/01/2010 20:59

..i had the super glue and bunny ears ready!!

bran · 28/01/2010 21:02

Being evil doesn't preclude being right.

morningpaper · 28/01/2010 21:08

lol bran

that should be my family motto

Mumcentreplus · 28/01/2010 21:28

Brantastic! at least she admits her evil ways

Mumcentreplus · 28/01/2010 21:30

slyly sticks bunny tail to MPs bum

gasman · 29/01/2010 00:04

Skimmed thread.

My sister used to refuse to drive. She would try to cadge a lift off anyone (me, my bro, my Dad, her boyf) even when she had free access to a car right outside the house and we would have to do a reasonably significant detour to pick her up.

Eventually we all stopped giving her a lift. Yes, I felt bad on occasion when I turned up at some family thing nice and dry and she had got 2 buses and was drippy wet but she has now started to drive!

Maybe your sisters husband is trying a bit of tough love.

If your sister is keen I know a few people (my sister included) who have had refresher lessons to ease them back in.

Original poster
Undercovamutha · 29/01/2010 09:32

Gasman - its all very well BiL trying tough love on DSis, but she wasn't the one who had to take Aunt home, WE WERE! So why do we get the tough love.... we can drive!

(And I don't think tough love should be practised on a 78yo recent widow!!!!)

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 29/01/2010 12:13

"We asked BiL a few times prior to the gathering (about the lift for my Aunt) and he said no he'd rather not! shock I told my mum to shame him into it by asking him again in person, as I hate it when people get away with murder because other (nicer) people don't want a scene. We asked him together, and cool as a cucumber he just said no! I couldn't believe it. We then told him what we thought about it, but he stuck to his guns! I mean, who would DO that!?!"

So you asked him on a number of occassions before the gathering and were well aware of his answer but instead of making alternative arrangements you decided that his answer wasn't a valid one and you'd try to publicly shame this person who you know to be stubborn into changing his mind by being confrontational? WTF did you expect, I'm not even stubborn but if someone asked me a question and I told them my position well in advance of the situation and then they decided to dismiss my decision and publicly rail-road me I'd do the exact same.
As for your sister scabbing lifts all the time I don't see how that's connected to his refusal to give lifts, they're two seperate issues and as someone said earlier I think you're getting annoyed with the wrong person.