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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want dh to help me prepare for the mornings with DC

69 replies

LittleMrsHappy · 27/01/2010 12:13

Following on from my friends nursery situation, got me thinking bout my own.

Atm ds1 is at Nursery in the morning 8.50am till 11.50am.

I get up at 7am to have a shower, and get myself dressed and sterilise/make ds2 bottles (he has 4 bottles and has 1 for bedtime, and one for during the night) and take out the food to defrost for him for that days meals, and set the table for breakfast (toast + porridge and juice for us) (Now 7.45am)get children up and dressed for Nursery and leave the house by 8.25 to get to school for 8.50am.

The Night before, I iron all of our clothes and make dh lunch) , and get ds1 changing bag sorted (on days we have play groups/hospital appointments etc) and also tidy the house.

Dh is fab, not putting him down in any way (sort off) as he does bath the children, make tea, put a washing on etc... all normal things, but he does not help out in the morning, he wakes up at 6.30am, and leaves the house by 7.25 and he only gets himself sorted and does not do the table for breakfast, take ds2 meals out, wash bottles etc... all little things but would help me loads, as ds1 needs a feed at 8.15am (always and I am knackered with it all (stupid) knackered with the school run, knackered with ds1 feeding times, as its always in the times I need to pick ds2 from Nursery, and tired as I get up at 7am, and dont get to bed till 11pm, and when I start back work (evenings) in march its going to be even worse

I have asked him, but still nothing changes, Im sure he thinks I am wonder woman at times, I just need a little help.

AIBU to be more stern at him, to take me seriously.

OP posts:

mumblechum · 27/01/2010 12:15

Depends whether you're working full time or only part time imo. If you're both full time then yes he should probably do a bit more.

Ceebee74 · 27/01/2010 12:20

I don't mean to trivialise your concerns - but I have to get a 3 year old and a 14 month old out of the house by 7.45am. I have to get up at 6am to achieve this (and I still don't manage it 4 times out of 5!) as I have to get myself dressed and ready for work aswell.

My DH works away at least 2 nights a week so I do everything by myself (including ironing clothes/packing bags/making my own lunch) - so your mornings sound like bliss to me

Original poster

LittleMrsHappy · 27/01/2010 12:21

Id only be working P/T (4 days) 5pm, till 2am.

But I am not sure whether that matters tbh, its not helping the situation in hand, just because he Works more hours than me. We both work regardless of how many hours we do.

OP posts:

LilRedWG · 27/01/2010 12:21

If you work full time then yes he should share responsibility, but if you are a SAHM then his priority on a morning is to get to work. You have said that he pulls his weight of an evening, so it's not as though he is leaving everything to you.

MY DH sometimes car shares with a guy who is regularly 30-40 minutes+ late because it is, "his job" to get his elder child up, dressed and breakfasted before he leaves for work. On one spectacular occassion he was about 50 minutes late because he, "had to get both boys sorted as DW wanted to have a soak in the bath and do her makeup as she is going to spend the day with friends". His DW is a SAHM.

Bramshott · 27/01/2010 12:21

But then he does have to leave an hour earlier than you . . .

I must admit that DH just gets himself sorted in the morning, but then he is up and gone by 7.30, which is when the rest of us are just starting to emerge.

I would tell DH he has to make his own lunch and do his own ironing however . Do you honestly iron every night?!? I iron about once in 6 months and I don't think we look too 'crumpled'!

mumblechum · 27/01/2010 12:22

Sorry, just re read your OP.

As you're not working at all at the moment, tbh I think you should be getting most of the stuff (eg ironing) done during the day when the dc are out.

Beachcomber · 27/01/2010 12:23

Is there a lot more your DH could do though if he goes out before the kids are up?

We have a bit of a deal where I do the kids on weekday mornings as I work from home and DH does them on weekends.

During the week DH is up and out before the DCs are even up so he can't really help. At weekends he nearly always does their breakfast and gets them dressed. Gives me a break and sometimes even a lie in.

I do think your DH should sort his own lunch the night before and try to find something else to help you when you go back to work in the evenings. Perhaps he could sort out the DCs clothes for the morning?

Beachcomber · 27/01/2010 12:26

Ouch, if you work 'til 2am then getting up early isn't going to be fun. Will you have a chance to have a nap in the afternoons?

potoroo · 27/01/2010 12:27

DH does not help much in the mornings either, unless I ask him to do specific jobs. So we (well mostly me!) prepare as much as possible the night before and then in the morning I tell him what to do.
For example: bring down DD's clothes and get her dressed now please.
There is no point telling him "I would like you to get DD dressed in the mornings" because he won't remember (he is not a morning person). But if I tell him exactly what I need him to do at the time, then things work.

It saves a lot of unnecessary upset this way

fernie3 · 27/01/2010 12:28

My husband leaves at 7:00 so I get my three ready to go out (5, 3 and 11 months) we leave at 8:30. I do most of the tidying up, baths etc and getting things ready the night before as my husband doesnt get home until later on and I wouldnt feel like it by then!.
It would be nice for him to help but I dont see what he can really do with the times he is out of the house.
I find that just having a set routine helps - my routine has been out lately because I havent been feeling well and the difference is amazing, its so much more stressful when things are not planned well ahead.

Original poster

LittleMrsHappy · 27/01/2010 12:28

Yes I iron every night, dh has a works uniform (chainsaw trousers, t-shirt and jumper, that I iron, my clothes, ds1 uniform, and ds2 clothes) I dont actually mind doing this, as this is done the night before, but its the morning I am struggling with, I just think he could help out more, as he does not have a shower he has that the night before, and all he has to do is get dresses and eat breakfast,the rest of the times he sits and wakes up watching sky sports news.

OP posts:

alfiesmadmother · 27/01/2010 12:28

He does set off early so maybe ask him to helop out more in the evenings with oprepoeration.

School run stress is all part of being a Mum I'm afraid.

7am seems quite late to be getting up. I get up at 6am or before and I shower and dry my hair the night before. Can you get uop earlier?

LaDiDaDi · 27/01/2010 12:30

My advice is: STOP IRONING!

mazzystartled · 27/01/2010 12:33

I think the trouble with a lot of mothering is that the work is invisible (at least that is how I feel about it). However your DH has to be out of the house by 7.25 then I don;t think he's in a position to help much.

Get to bed earlier (hours before midnight count double IMO)

Iron fewer things and do it all together once per week - and hey your dh could do that sometimes - revolutionary.

DH could make his own lunches

Is there any way you could play about with ds nursery sessions to have 2 full days and a half day? just so you didn't have to get out of the house every morning (just an idea)

And things will get easier with the baby, pretty soon - you're barely out of the twilight zone at 3 months.

redskyatnight · 27/01/2010 12:33

I'd agree with maybe getting DH to help out a bit more at night as I suspect he's just in a routine of get himself ready and out and feels he doesn't have any time for more.

Also, couldn't you (or DH) take the meals out the freezer at night (and put in fridge), wash bottles, and set the table the night before ...

Like PP I don't want to trivialise your worries but it actually doesn't sound like you have THAT much to do before going to nursery other than the basic getting ready /having breakfast sort of tasks(speaking as one who used to get 2 DC ready and out before 8 and find time to sort the washing and get tea on).

2rebecca · 27/01/2010 12:35

I only iron about twice a week and DH does his own ironing. You just have to tell him "on a morning I need you to do x as you don't help on a morning."
If he leaves by 7.25 do you want the kids getting up and dressed by then? If so just tell him you need him to do it. The school age kid should be able to dress himself.
Setting the table could be done the night before if he's better on an evening.

scaredoflove · 27/01/2010 12:36

if he baths the children and makes tea, what do you do when he is doing that?

I know I used to prefer doing the morning stuff to evening stuff and that is how we used to work it although we had to as exh left the house at 5am but still liked it that way

I do think your H should be ironing his own clothes and definitely making his own lunch though

whyme2 · 27/01/2010 12:38

What do you want him to do??

can he make the bottles. It is difficult to say as he does go out before you really need him tbh.

When you return to work are you expecting him to do all the evening prep?

Getting up 30 mins early really does take the presure off. I have 4 under 7 and we have to leave at 8:30. Dh makes the lunches when he comes home from his night shift at 6:30 but that is all.

Original poster

LittleMrsHappy · 27/01/2010 12:40

I could, just dont want to as I dont go to bed till 11pm, (ds2 feed) and then he wakes up between 3-4 for another feed. I do all this. (ds2 is 6mnths old)

When I go back to work Tue-Thu and then Sat, I will have 5 hours sleep before the Nursery run, with no nap in between (these are my normal shifts, before ds2 and ds1 was at Nursery) so I have alot of re-adjusting to be done with our morning routine, just finding it hard I suppose, so now thinking its going to get even more harder, when all the stuff needs doing with even less sleep and time.

I am planning to do the ironing on a Sunday (day off) to make it easier for the weekday, but that all I can really cut out. Dh will have to make his lunch the night before, Im just hoping ds2 night feed is over by then.

OP posts:

mazzystartled · 27/01/2010 12:40

ok more info whilst I was posting

I could not work the hours that you are proposing and look after 2 small children effectively. You must be made of sterner stuff than me. Will you have any help during the day to make up for sleep? Sorry if that is not helpful but yikes.

GypsyMoth · 27/01/2010 12:40

i cant understand the problem here...sorry!!

RockbirdandHerSpork · 27/01/2010 12:42

DH doesn't help out in the mornings at all, although he is fab in every other way. I work three days and would appreciate help on those days but his prority is up, long shower, long breakfast and go. Takes no notice when I bring this up, except this week I've been ill enough to be in bed since Saturday and so Mon and Tues he had to get DD up and ready for his mother and nursery. He said last night he had absolutely no idea how I got ready in the morning as well as getting DD ready, so although it won't change anything, he does now realise how difficult it is.

whyme2 · 27/01/2010 12:50

tbh I don't think there is a problem at the moment but I'm not sure how you are going to survive when you return to work. It does seem unfeasible however much your dp does he is working when you need to sleep.

Original poster

LittleMrsHappy · 27/01/2010 12:51

Sorry just realising my posts are not making much sense.

I think because I am finding it difficult now, it will be 100% harder when I go back to work.

I can change some of the things, but things like sterilising bottles, breakfast table, all little things but will help immensely with the morning routine.

Infact I know IABU, its just that my life will change immensely and dh stays the same.
SUCKS BIG TIME!

OP posts:

whyme2 · 27/01/2010 12:54

Can ds1 go to afternoon sessions at nursery so you can rest then?

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