to want dh to help me prepare for the mornings with DC

[LittleMrsHappy]

Following on from my friends nursery situation, got me thinking bout my own.

Atm ds1 is at Nursery in the morning 8.50am till 11.50am.

I get up at 7am to have a shower, and get myself dressed and sterilise/make ds2 bottles (he has 4 bottles and has 1 for bedtime, and one for during the night) and take out the food to defrost for him for that days meals, and set the table for breakfast (toast + porridge and juice for us) (Now 7.45am)get children up and dressed for Nursery and leave the house by 8.25 to get to school for 8.50am.

The Night before, I iron all of our clothes and make dh lunch) , and get ds1 changing bag sorted (on days we have play groups/hospital appointments etc) and also tidy the house.

Dh is fab, not putting him down in any way (sort off) as he does bath the children, make tea, put a washing on etc... all normal things, but he does not help out in the morning, he wakes up at 6.30am, and leaves the house by 7.25 and he only gets himself sorted and does not do the table for breakfast, take ds2 meals out, wash bottles etc... all little things but would help me loads, as ds1 needs a feed at 8.15am (always and I am knackered with it all (stupid) knackered with the school run, knackered with ds1 feeding times, as its always in the times I need to pick ds2 from Nursery, and tired as I get up at 7am, and dont get to bed till 11pm, and when I start back work (evenings) in march its going to be even worse

I have asked him, but still nothing changes, Im sure he thinks I am wonder woman at times, I just need a little help.

AIBU to be more stern at him, to take me seriously.

Of course you are not BU.

Something will have to change when you go back to work or else you will be run into the ground with tiredness.

I would start putting a plan into motion now.
I'd love to be able to watch sky sports/news (or something else actually) until I was sufficiently woken up to get myself (only) ready for the day. But life is not like that. Your family situation has changed. Not just your situation.

Why are you making his lunch?

No I wont have any help, Im used to these shifts I have been doing them for the past 5 years, just not with 2 children into the mix I do get tired by Thu, but then I have a day off Friday, and dont start work til the Sat evening, where dh will have the children (takes ds2 to soccer tots) and I have a lie in.

No Afternoon Nursery sessions are full, and we HAD to take these morning session.Ggrr

All I want is dp to get himself sorted in the morning and be ready to be driven to the station at the appropriate time. I do NOT want him blundering about "being a help". And I don't have dcs at home any longer!

It has always made more sense to me to split the work around the most effective and equitable way of getting it done.

As for all that ironing, you are making a rod for your own back here. Your dh could easily iron his work uniform and I'm amazed that your dcs's clothes need ironing at all. What are they wearing? Hand-tailored linen babygros?

It will be 100% harder when you return to work. Definatly. Unless there is some big change to yours or dp's working hours I don't know how you will survive.

Quite agree it does suck.

Will dh be looking after the dc's when youa re working in the evenings?

Ive always made him his lunch just a routine that I got into when I was making both our lunches for work, but when I went on ML I just stuck to it.

Yes dh will be looking after the children,we cant afford childcare, dh is classed as a good earner so we dont qualify for TC, but due to our outcomes (mortgage council tax, gas/electricity) etc... his wages just covers the normal everyday bills (we have no debt) and my wage is spending money/saving money etc...

Well presumably he will have care of the children from 5pm and responsbility for "evening" tasks (or whenever you need to leave to get to work to start at 5?). So yes this will affect him.

Is there any way you can delay going back to work a little longer?

I would suggest that the you and DH sit down and have a big talk about the feasibility of you returning to work these hours and how it will affect the way that you all have to function. DH and I have no family to help out at all, so this is what we have to do to whenever I take on freelance work.

This isn't about him doing a few bits in the morning - it's about how you use the resources that you have. If as a family you agree it is important for you to return to your job, as a family you have to find a way of making it work - and that might mean rejigging who takes responsibility for what. And really I would seriously consider a change of nursery routine.

well re bottles, you don't need to sterilise after 6 months i think
also number of bottles required should reduce
if you're going to be working at night could dh prepare the bottles for the next day in the evening?
or can you afford to get those those prepared cartons of formula (maybe not for every days, but for the days you are working)

can you get your dh to do breakfast table when he gets up in the morning? sounds like that might help
and lay out the children's clothes ready
could he give one or both of them breakfast in the morning?

DH used to be rubbish in the mornings - especially when he smoked as he had to factor in 2 Marlboros and 2 espressos before he could have a shower.

Now he makes the tea in the morning and unloads the dishwasher while the kettle is boiling (I feed DS2 in bed). He then gives DSs their breakfast (3.9 & 11months) while I have a shower and get ready.

He hasn't been working recently so has been around. He starts work next week so I'm not sure what he'll be able to do then. BUT I will still expect him to unload the dishwasher and give DSs their breakfast if he has time for breakfast.

Your hours sound rough though.

My tips would be

• STOP IRONING
• don't have porridge for breakfast, have weetabix or something that's less faff.
• get cereal, bowls etc out the night before or make DH do them before he leaves.
• How old will DS2 be when you go back to work. Do you have a dishwasher? If so, then reconsider the sterilising. Maybe also get some of those pots that you measure the formula out into so you just tip it into hot water rather than do the scoopy thing.

Don't iron
Don't lay the table
Sterilising bottles ain't a big job.

Sorry but I think you're creating work for your self and being a bit 'poor me'.

I certainly think he can do the 11pm feed though....

Of course we could debate for years how much a full-time WOHD should do if his partner is a SAHM. However, I think it's clear that once you go back to work not all the additional burden should fall on you. Not sure why so many are saying you should get up earlier, surely DH could get up earlier to help with bottles, table setting etc

Have you talked to DH about it? Does he really think it's reasonable for you to do a full day with the children then work until 2am on top of that?

xposts with cat

We talk sense!

If your DS1 is at nursery for three hours a day, and you therefore have three hours to yourself, I don't see the problem at all here, especially if you don't make dinner.

If it's that much trouble - why bother sending your DS to nursery at all? Just keep him at home and have a lazier morning.

When are you working, why can't you nap during the morning?

(Ironing though - life's too short for that.)

Sorry if I have COMPLETELY misunderstood the situation though. If you are still tired, have you had your blood tested etc to make sure you are not anaemic or anything?

Sorry but I still think you are being unrealistic.

Cut back on your spending and your saving and get some proper childcare in place to enable you to work. It will cut the profit margin on your working but it will only be for a couple of years. So what if your savings dwindle a bit?

You are already knackered and feeling resentful towards your dh - you will end up exhausted and stressed if you don't think of another solution.

if she is working till 2am 4 nights a week how can she possibly get up earlier than 7?

and is it realistic to function effectively (and unmiserably) on 5 hours (disturbed) sleep per night? whilst working 28hrs per week and looking after 2 little kids.

at the moment - when you are not working - I don't see the problem apart from creating the work of ironing and lunch making. (and i do think the routines that you have set up for yourself are not helping you - which is the point of routine, surely?)

is there any flexibility with your working hours, or with your dh's?

and I agree with mazzy and others-it's going to be just exhausting and tinkering with the morning/evening routine is just that-tinkering, and won't make that much difference to how you feel and function even if it does help you get out of the house on time in the morning

I don't see how anyone can work til 2am then get up and look after 2 small children the next day without going slightly insane tbh
I found it bad enough when dd2 was having lots of night-feeds but at least I knew there was an end in sight (eventually)

My dh leaves for work 45 minutes before I leave for the school run. I work part time.

I have to say that people saying if you're a sahm you should do it all really made me cross - as far as me and dh are concerned when he's at home we are coparents and that includes sharing the housework-obviously i do the housework that can be done in advance, but the stuff like giving the kids breakfast and unloading the dishwasher-he's as likely to do it as I am. In fact this morning he gave ds1 and ds2 breakfast and unloaded half the dishwasher then left. I gave dd breakfast and finished unloading the dishwasher. I got them all dressed, bags packed and so on because I'm there longer. We are a team whilst we are at home. He gets up earlier but only because he spends 20 minutes longer in the bathroom than I do!

Last night after we'd put the kids to bed I did the ironing and he had some work to do, but if he doesn't he will start ironing or he'll take over when i've had enough.Think ironing every night is a bit much-can't you do bigger lots and then not do it every night?

The lunch thing-if the kids are having pack lunch that week then I usually make them whilst I'm making the tea or whilst ds1 is reading to dh and I'll do dh his as well. However, if I'm not doing the kids lunches then dh will probably make his own-says he feels like I'm his mum or a little wifey type if I do it just for him.

Op- I would just give him a specific job to do rather than wait for him to take the initiative. I know when i was feeding myy twins and trying to get out of the house to get ds1 to nursery it was hard-always an untimely nappy to cope with!

what is involved in laying the breakfast table? 3 bowls, 3 spoons? i don't get that bit tbh.

as for ironing..just don't.

and for the late night working, well i did that when i went back after dd was born, not as late as you but longer. i did 3pm til midnight 4 nights a week (til 2am at christmas). she didn't wake in the night though. bit easier now as hours at work have changed, we finish at 10pm now. but still.

The bottle sterilising could become an evening job, although by 6 months I wasn't bothering sterilising anything except teats.
Or if you're not happy leaving all bottles overnight it could be a midmorning job.
I agree that working until 2am with a small baby and then getting up at 7 sounds too much.

Ds2 is on prescription milk (he is CMP, citrus allergy and Lactose Intolerance/Allergy) he currently can only have veg. I make these on a Thursday, we have tried giving him other food but it does not agree with him.

He needs 30oz of milk a day, their is no ready made cartons for his prescription milk. x

He has 5 bottles and a meal in the afternoon, he will be on his milk as he needs it, until he is 1 year old and until he goes in to hospital for food allergy trials. He needs this milk to maintain healthy development and for fat.

Fruitstick all that you have mentioned is what I want dh to do, set the table, do the bottles etc... (he is lovely) I have asked, and asked but nothing gets changed.

Dh will have to do the night time feed when I go back to work (I wont be their)

Im just wanting to try and put help in place now, so he gets used to it when I go back to work.

I dont have 3 hours to myself during the day, I have ds2, and then their is the basic housekeeping/Dr appointments, Hospital appointments, getting ds2 prescriptions weekly for his milk and inhalers, gaviscon powder, and I have to make lunch for us all etc...

Sorry if I am sounding like a woe is me, as Im not meaning too, just the way it is.

Im more looking at the bigger picture for when I go to work, and getting help off dh more.

Why not get your DH to ask at work for a change of hours, so that on the mornings AFTER you work, he can do the morning routine and you have a lie-in? I would request that TBH and not stress about the other stuff.

OP was it your decision to go back to work? I suspect this is about more than who puts the Rice Crispies box on the table, isn't it?

We cannot reduce spending, we dont have anything to reduce on.
We also cannot change our working contacts.

Dh works Mon-Fri 7.30-4pm (depot is 5 mins away)

Ive asked for my hours to be changed but due to the work I am involved in, its detrimental to the needs off the company, so my family flexible working hours have been refused on the basis that it would impact on the needs of the service provided.

I asked to go to 3 days- Fri-Sun, but this was refused.

The ironing I am going to do on a Sun, and dh will make his own lunch, I just want him to help out more in the mornings, make bottles, set the table (I wont be here to do it on the night) etc... take ds1 food out to defrost for the day etc..

He has to be out by 7.30. You aren't at work ATM. Not sure what you want him to do, TBH! Particularly as he seems to do everything in the evening!