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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?

501 replies

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 19:46

DH is not stepson's bio Dad, but lived with him between age 3 and 13, and has been in contact since and financially supporting his Mum and younger sister (also not DH's child).

Anyway, after a long saga of on-going hassles, and lots of soul-searching have in the last week really put my foot down, and inisted on a set of ground rules. I also have my DD (who lives with us f/t) and am about to have a baby (due 4/2) to think of. One of the new rules was that although DH is free to see his steps whenever he likes, and provide any financial support he sees fit - I didn't want them in our home near my kids (but I would review this in 6 mths).

So last night, DH is out for a work function. 10.30 pm, I notice stepson and another male I don't know walk up the path. They ring the bell - I ignore it. They are noisy and sound drunk/intoxicated... then tehy start shouting. I go down, answer the door on chain, say DH is not there, please go away.

Step son is hammered and screaming I'm a lying bitch as DH's car is in the drive (he took a taxi). Starts to boot the car, while his mates tries to talk him down. More screaming. I say, go now or I WILL call the police - manage to shut the door. I call the police,but whilst I am giving my address, they arrive. (2 other neighbours had called them).

I stay in doors, WPC comes into sit with me. 5 mins later, literally, they come into say the mate left and went home nicely, but stepson has been lifted. They ask if DH is the Dad - and I say no (and explain as above). Try to call DH, but get his voicemail - can't think what to say in a voice msg so say nothing about it. So go to bed, thinking this is not my problem.

Anyway, have found out today that police couldnt' contact DH's ex, so step son spent the night in the cells. DH is furious - he thinks I should have done more.

I think it's the mum's responsbility and although I think locking him up all night was OTT, I think I behaved reasonably.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RedbinDippers · 24/01/2010 22:24

@justsue

Not an alias, my real user name on here and the BBC (although taken down a couple of times for being abusive!). I actually think that this lady is in the right. We don't do enough as families to take the responsibility for the actions of our children, in this case I think the father should be sorting his son out not getting the hump because the pissed up little thug ended up in nick for a few hours.

NigelTheWonderBoy · 24/01/2010 22:24

You are hardly responding to circumstances if you have to actively register an interest.

Disingenuous twaddle.

babyicebean · 24/01/2010 22:24

Whose name is on the deeds to the husbands house - cos if it is his surely as his wife a divorce solicitor would thake it into account anyway.

Whats the house like?

northernlurker · 24/01/2010 22:25

oh and breastfeeding throughout - mustn't forget that!

Mermaidspam · 24/01/2010 22:25

WWC/Rindercella - I do apologise, misread the thread.

WWC - do you come across this well in real life? No wonder the step-kids don't get along with you.

Georgimama · 24/01/2010 22:25

Oh right. So I asked you if you were a lawyer and you said "DH is". You didn't correct me when I said, "so you aren't a lawyer, you're husband is." Only suddenly when called on a post you made a couple of weeks ago do you remember that you supposed to be a lawyer too. Well done. Not too late at all.

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 22:26

Nigel asked:
For the last time, when did you deign to tell your DH about the fracas last night, and when and how did you discover he had spend the night in the cells?

About 8am this morning... he then left to take DD to swimming.... Then at 11-ish, I think ex-gf called DH, but I didn't actually know this until I got back from Church around 12.30.

I'm not sure what exactly you think I'm unclear on... it's an internet board - if you don't belive it happened, why not just hide the thread?

OP posts:
NigelTheWonderBoy · 24/01/2010 22:26

"sorting his son out"

Lovely phrase.

Little thug. Another lovely phrase.

Another one who is all heart.

justsue · 24/01/2010 22:27

@Redbindippers: Sorry I thought you were WWC, getting taken down for being abusive or "open opinion" I do love a open opinion would prefer for things to be true though

Janos · 24/01/2010 22:27

Oh look, another button pushing, attention seeking thread from WWC. And started at the weekend. How odd!

babyicebean · 24/01/2010 22:29

IF you tried to ring him but got his voicemail and didnt know what to say surely a simple 'can you ring me please' would have done?

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 22:29

By Georgimama Sun 24-Jan-10 22:15:44
So you aren't a lawyer, your husband is.

And as I said already, you don't have to have legal status with regard to a child to act as a litigation friend. CPR Part 21 love, read it. But we wouldn't want little things like facts to get in the way.

We are both lawyers - we met at work.

No one is saying that he couldn't - what I'm saying is that the mother has PR and doesn't allow DH to be involved in most decisions that affect the chidlren, e.g. schooling etc.. so you are wasting your time...

OP posts:
NigelTheWonderBoy · 24/01/2010 22:29

Because lovey, it is an internet board, and it is AIBU and therefore you will get holes picked in your story. Its because its an interactive medium, geddit? You post. We reply. You talk tosh. Get called on it, and asked for clarification.

That's the deal.

northernlurker · 24/01/2010 22:29

Bet you're looking forward to that chat on family law eh Georgimama?

Rindercella · 24/01/2010 22:30

"he then left to take DD to swimming" seems a terribly fatherly thing to be doing, considering he is 'just' your DD's step-father.

Mermaidspam · 24/01/2010 22:30

So he learnt his son was imprisoned, then still took your DD swimming? Hmm, sounds like he was really concerned!

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 22:30

By NigelTheWonderBoy Sun 24-Jan-10 22:18:23
No duty sergeant in their right mind would refuse information to the stepfather of a child in detention, if the stepfather actually had known what was going on.

Nigel, I don't know any other way to say it... he is NOT, repeat NOT their step father...

Are you deaf?

OP posts:
Georgimama · 24/01/2010 22:30

You did say he couldn't. That's exactly what you said. You said:

"he has no right to instruct anyone on behalf of DS - he has no legal status with regard to the child."

NigelTheWonderBoy · 24/01/2010 22:31

and I repeat, if the duty or custody sergeant was unable to get hold of the mother, how precisely would she be able to block his involvement?

scottishmummy · 24/01/2010 22:31

wwc you dont half talk mince and spin a story

always embellished

always high octane situations - casting you in saintly put upon situation.with reprobate mother,ned children.

oh and your constant state of exasperation at dh shelling out for someone else bairns

Georgimama · 24/01/2010 22:32

Gosh yes NL, I am greatly looking forward to learning about family law from a sociopathic fantasist. Can't wait. I start a family seat in the next couple of weeks and this thread is most instructive.

justsue · 24/01/2010 22:32

OK WWC I am now totally brainwashed and believe you that you are a very rich "lady lawyer" living in Neverland is your dh Michael Jackson

northernlurker · 24/01/2010 22:32

Gracious - how odd! redbindippers and wwc started posting at around the same time...

RedbinDippers · 24/01/2010 22:32

@justsue
Never let the truth get in the way of a good flame war

NigelTheWonderBoy · 24/01/2010 22:32

Are you stupid?

He lived with their mother from their babyhood until their early adolescent. He is their stepfather or even father in every way that matters apart from the law.

Which is the only thing you seem to have respect for.

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