Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?

501 replies

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 19:46

DH is not stepson's bio Dad, but lived with him between age 3 and 13, and has been in contact since and financially supporting his Mum and younger sister (also not DH's child).

Anyway, after a long saga of on-going hassles, and lots of soul-searching have in the last week really put my foot down, and inisted on a set of ground rules. I also have my DD (who lives with us f/t) and am about to have a baby (due 4/2) to think of. One of the new rules was that although DH is free to see his steps whenever he likes, and provide any financial support he sees fit - I didn't want them in our home near my kids (but I would review this in 6 mths).

So last night, DH is out for a work function. 10.30 pm, I notice stepson and another male I don't know walk up the path. They ring the bell - I ignore it. They are noisy and sound drunk/intoxicated... then tehy start shouting. I go down, answer the door on chain, say DH is not there, please go away.

Step son is hammered and screaming I'm a lying bitch as DH's car is in the drive (he took a taxi). Starts to boot the car, while his mates tries to talk him down. More screaming. I say, go now or I WILL call the police - manage to shut the door. I call the police,but whilst I am giving my address, they arrive. (2 other neighbours had called them).

I stay in doors, WPC comes into sit with me. 5 mins later, literally, they come into say the mate left and went home nicely, but stepson has been lifted. They ask if DH is the Dad - and I say no (and explain as above). Try to call DH, but get his voicemail - can't think what to say in a voice msg so say nothing about it. So go to bed, thinking this is not my problem.

Anyway, have found out today that police couldnt' contact DH's ex, so step son spent the night in the cells. DH is furious - he thinks I should have done more.

I think it's the mum's responsbility and although I think locking him up all night was OTT, I think I behaved reasonably.

AIBU?

OP posts:
babyicebean · 25/01/2010 22:16

And I asked you not to shorten my name

babyicebean · 25/01/2010 22:19

WhoIsAsking Mon 25-Jan-10 16:35:49
WWC you said..and I quote:

"Hope it gets better - I live apart from my DD and get on well with her dad"

duh!

all the blithering on in the world won't change the fact that you've slipped up. Silly troll.

which if you look it says that you live apart from your child

so how can she live with you?

justsue · 25/01/2010 22:19

thats a fair comment WWC by Babyicebean I think

ilovemydogandmrobama · 25/01/2010 22:19

here's what I don't understand. Seems to me that the police only kept WWC's DH's step son as a last resort, but surely the police would have released him into the care of his (ex) step father had he been contacted? Am fairly sure the police don't ask to see resident orders or parental responsibility orders, and would not have refused for WWC's DH to take him into his care on the basis that he was not a legal relative.

Is this entirely speculative as it was assumed that the police wouldn't?

babyicebean · 25/01/2010 22:19

And if I could be bothered I would find this thread and link to it but I cant be.

WashwithCare · 25/01/2010 22:23

Where is the thread baby? I can't imagine I said that... DD lives with me, and I have always been clear about that...

OP posts:
babyicebean · 25/01/2010 22:24

fine if I must I must

WashwithCare · 25/01/2010 22:28

ilovemydogandmrobama

Well, the police were fully appraised of DH's relationship with DSS and had a contact number, and elected not to contact him, even when they realised they could not contact his mother. Though the real problem is they wouldnt' have cared much, and probably made little attempt to contact the mum or track her down.

But the problem is, like common law spouses, which also don't exist, DH is not an (ex) step father. He is not his step father at all.

You have to see it from their point of view... suppose they had handed over a drunk vulnerable child to mother's ex-bf and the ex-bf was not a nice person.

I have lots of ex-bfs but I would be furious is police handed over my child to them on the basis that they couldn't contact me for a few hours. I think most mums would feel the same.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 25/01/2010 22:28

WashwithCare Sun 17-Jan-10 22:39:40

Access to my ex-husband thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/895779-Access-for-my-ex-husband?pg=2

Vallhala · 25/01/2010 22:30

Sorry!

WWCs comment on child not living with her here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/895779-Access-for-my-ex-husband?pg=2

Nothing personal WWC, I'm just bored, finding it was a challenge!

justsue · 25/01/2010 22:30

no disrespect WWC this i must see and then I shall give you the respect you either deserve or do not cant say fairer than that can I

babyicebean · 25/01/2010 22:30

Right then

Go to a AIBU called Access for my Ex-Husband
dated 17th January 2010

Look at page 2

WashWithCare posted at 22:39:40

in the last part of this post it says - and I quote - 'Hope it gets better - I live apart from my DD and get on well with her dad, but there is nothing worse than handing your child over to someone you don't trust.'

In this you CLEARLY state that you live apart from your DD and you get on well with her dad

babyicebean · 25/01/2010 22:31

So I am not the only one who saw it

babyicebean · 25/01/2010 22:32

So I ask you again PLEASE explain it to me

Vallhala · 25/01/2010 22:32

I beat you to it Babyicebean!

justsue · 25/01/2010 22:33

Hope it gets better - I live apart from my DD and get on well with her dad, but there is nothing worse than handing your child over to someone you don't trust.

you really have tried to take us all for fools which I find quite sad considering how much sadness and real problems there are around us... shame on you

Fruitysunshine · 25/01/2010 22:34

Lucky - he has vowed never to be put in a cell again. It definitely shook him up. I would like to point out that although he was arrested for Drunk and Disorderly he was released the next morning with no charge as cctv footage showed it was actually somebody else who assaulted the victim and not my son.

babyicebean · 25/01/2010 22:34

I cant do links and it took me ages to type out as the cat was sitting on the keyboard

SpeedyGonzalez · 25/01/2010 22:35

Babyicebean - a word of advice from the voice of experience: give it up. She won't answer. She won't explain. She'll faff, fudge and ignore. Just be satisfied that you're right - that's the best you're going to get, and don't waste your energy fighting losing battles on MN.

babyicebean · 25/01/2010 22:35

and I wanted to bold the relevant bit but his bum was in the way

justsue · 25/01/2010 22:36

gently push the cat off and tell him "important stuff going on" go to sleep pussy cat

scottishmummy · 25/01/2010 22:36

WashwithCare Sun 17-Jan-10 22:39:40

Hope it gets better - I live apart from my DD and get on well with her dad, but there is nothing worse than handing your child over to someone you don't trust.from this thread

babyicebean · 25/01/2010 22:36

Thats ok I wont either gives me a hobby trying to get her to answer a straight question.

Should I get out more do you think?

justsue · 25/01/2010 22:37

babyicebean: You go girl WWC let the game commence

babyicebean · 25/01/2010 22:38

The cats not called pysco for nothing, I tend to let him do his thing