to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?

[WashwithCare]

DH is not stepson's bio Dad, but lived with him between age 3 and 13, and has been in contact since and financially supporting his Mum and younger sister (also not DH's child).

Anyway, after a long saga of on-going hassles, and lots of soul-searching have in the last week really put my foot down, and inisted on a set of ground rules. I also have my DD (who lives with us f/t) and am about to have a baby (due 4/2) to think of. One of the new rules was that although DH is free to see his steps whenever he likes, and provide any financial support he sees fit - I didn't want them in our home near my kids (but I would review this in 6 mths).

So last night, DH is out for a work function. 10.30 pm, I notice stepson and another male I don't know walk up the path. They ring the bell - I ignore it. They are noisy and sound drunk/intoxicated... then tehy start shouting. I go down, answer the door on chain, say DH is not there, please go away.

Step son is hammered and screaming I'm a lying bitch as DH's car is in the drive (he took a taxi). Starts to boot the car, while his mates tries to talk him down. More screaming. I say, go now or I WILL call the police - manage to shut the door. I call the police,but whilst I am giving my address, they arrive. (2 other neighbours had called them).

I stay in doors, WPC comes into sit with me. 5 mins later, literally, they come into say the mate left and went home nicely, but stepson has been lifted. They ask if DH is the Dad - and I say no (and explain as above). Try to call DH, but get his voicemail - can't think what to say in a voice msg so say nothing about it. So go to bed, thinking this is not my problem.

Anyway, have found out today that police couldnt' contact DH's ex, so step son spent the night in the cells. DH is furious - he thinks I should have done more.

I think it's the mum's responsbility and although I think locking him up all night was OTT, I think I behaved reasonably.

AIBU?

Me neither, dittany but there are some very odd people out there.

He is not your child, he is not your DHs child, so it is up to the mother to deal with it

I don't think it's made up, and wish the people who did could just ignore the thread. If I think a thread is invented I don't bother with it, maybe posting once that I think it's far fetched. The poster said the mum had returned to the house and area, so it makes sense she has returned the kids to school.
Whilst I agree that few 16 year olds (particularly boys) act as adults the law in Scotland does treat them as such (apart from buying alcohol and voting, very strange).
A drunk 15 year old on the doorstep being threatening is still unpleasant and scary. If my stepson had done this when 15 I wouldn't have let him in if husband out. I would however have told husband that he had came to the house, and that the police had lifted him, but probably been unable to as my husband never remembers to take his mobile anywhere.

Wwc drags fictional personal life detritus around mn.posters will comment on such contentious and emotive topics -
that's why she posts rebecca

so perhaps you are telling the wrong people to stop posting.

i do however take the valid point if no likey, dont post.so is an individual judgement call

given the prolific posts and ongoing narrative,maybe the onus is upon Wwc to self regulate. i don't think she is especially harmful,posts are too obviously manufactured and embellished.the attention to detail is poor though.however,i think she is knowledgeable of mn ishoos (maybe name changing regular poster) and fair piles on the clichés

demonised ex partner
conspicuous wealth
bragging
high octane situation
private education

but yes imo this is embellished or a falsehood

I'm not sure she's making it up, not all of it anyway...but she does like to stir and sounds quite unkind and rather immature.

In general this type of troll posts an escalating situation and when you look back you can see how set up it all was. I don't want to see the posters on here who have had bloody awful times in relationships around the time they've given birth or those who have had traumatic births end up propping up this numpty in a couple of weeks time when the invention hits a new pitch. Yes I think they do plot it all out first - who knows why they devote the time.....

Haven't read the whole thread, but if you would have treated your own biological DS like this, then YANBU. If you wouldn't, then you are.

One thing struck me though - you think it's his mum's responsibility. How can it be, when she wasn't there? If it were her responsibility, then I would have phoned her and told her so.

Will not spend anymore time on this in case OP is a troll...

I think you were perfectly reasonable to do what you did WWC.

Actions have consequences

Yeah - he only missed a week of school, the last time his mother was making a moral stand over her "handbag money".

However, as as far as I can figure now, there have been on-going probs with son at school too - though as DH doesn't have PR and never sees a school report - just an invoice - we don't really know. I used to hear rumours, but would ignore them.

AFAIK School suggested a week cooling off period, the Banshee said she would rather withdraw him (again), so they seized the opportunity and said "yes, please - don't come back". But that is just mummmy-friend hearsay. DH phoned our headteacher friend, but he could only confirm that we wouldnt' be receiving any more fee notes, but that everything else was confidential...

Perplexed why other posters think I am fabricating the story - plenty of people have problems like this with stepkids - it is hardly unusual. What is unusual is that DH continues to support his ex and her lifestyle - but nobody seem to mind that, or find it implausible?

Personally, I just think you obviously all do believe me and just dislike me for the person I am and how I behave (standing up to mad ex wife at last) - why else would you continue to post with such venom?. I think you probably shout "troll" etc with such boring frequency, because it provides a convenient justification for you to be disgustingly rude, and to avoid having proper arguments. JMHO

dear WWC,

perhaps you should restrict your posts to the relevant topics then, such as stepparenting or relationships...where the etiquette is not the same as on AIBU.

Do take a look at the MN disclaimer at the top of the thread.

If you were real I certainly would dislike your jealousy of your dh's family. But you're not so I just confine myself to pointing out that your story is in fact bobbins. Come on - do you seriously expect us to believe you didn't tell your dh about the 'events' of Saturday because you couldn't find the words?

I rarely shout troll actually - generally it is my tendancy to offer support and hope for the best. However your trollish personality is so one sided and laughable that one does feel obliged to forego the usual pattern of behaviour and just poke you tll you retreat under your bridge.

wwc,i dont believe you at all.your histrionics and lame clichés

just want to clarify before you delude yourself further

and no dont claim victim status this isn't about liking individual posters or not.and mn isnt colluding against you

its just you talk mince hen

Keep posting. Not everyone thinks you are a troll .
I am perplexed at the venom you have generated, and please, no one explain it to me, I have read it all as well and drawn different conclusions from the lynch mob

WWC doesn't come over as being a person who has difficulty finding the words to communicate. In fact she's quite voluble on a range of issues.

Jasper, WWC has asked if people think she is unreasonable to allow her dh's stepson to be arrested and spend the night in the cells.

Astonishingly enough, some people do feel that is unreasonable.

Don't ask the question if you don't want the answers.

Thanks Jasper.

Northern Lurker wrote:
Come on - do you seriously expect us to believe you didn't tell your dh about the 'events' of Saturday because you couldn't find the words?

yeah - I was tired, and didn't want to go into it. I had no reason to beleive it couldnt' wait until morning either.

What do you want me to say.. or more to the point what is it that you're trying to say - I wanted it to happen perhaps?

wwc the good folk of spam valley must think you are a right hairy.making a fracas like that on leith walk

I only got to the end of page 2 before posting.

My son got arrested last year at the age of 17 for being drunk and disorderly in a town centre. He says it was the worst night of his life and although he had been drinking, he could hear people shouting and screaming all through the night, had no blanket on a hard surface to sleep on and was petrified all night.

As it turns out he never got charged with anything but to think he could have gone through that at 15 years old just makes me shiver. When he was in the cells last year I could not sleep all night and called the custody sergeant nearly every hour to make sure he was ok!

If my stepson turned up drunk and disorderly I would be dealing with it myself. That means I would have rung the other number for the venue to tell my husband to get home immediately and deal with the situation in hand. Even if the police still turned up my husband could have gone to the station to collect him.

To allow him to go to prison may on the surface seem like the right thing to do by many people's standards but a lot of these children are a product of families/parents that had made bad choices for the child.

Where do you think their anger comes from? Is is so difficult for people to understand that these kids need love and support?

WWC - you have your own children to worry about yes but where is your compassion as a woman to want to help another child in distress? Your husband has a job to do here as a father and last night he should have been there to do it. You stopped that happening.

In the real world being threatened by stepson and then having stepson carted off by police would usually merit a mention before going off to the land of nod. In the fiction that is your posts you can react how you like - just don't expect us all to swallow it.

I think if it was a one off situation then absolutely, she should have handled it, got hold of her DH and got him to come back, tried to defuse the situation etc. etc.

But this has been going on for two years. Obviously indulging it and hoping it will pass hasn't worked.

Fruitysunshine - do you think getting put in the cells gave your son a shock to make him not be drunk and disorderly again? I completely agree with what you say that often children who act out do it because of bad choices the parents made, but at what point do they have to take responsibilty for their own lives and choices?

WWC, what do you do for a living? Have you ever considered becoming a novelist? You'd rake it in.

WashWithCare - can you please answer my question.

washwithcare - the police would not keep a 15year old in the cells overnight. He may have been charged with minor "breach of the peace" or something , or (more likely) been given a warning and taken home to his mother, had she been untraceable he would have been released into the care of a relative or the social workers would have been called in .

drlove8 - this has been done to death earlier in the thread... they couldn't contact his mother - they wouldn't contact DH (as he has no legal relationship with DSS) and a local authority/social services will not take a child who is drunk and aggressive. They are apparently obliged to TRY and find a secure unit in a chidren's unit, but there aren't any, so the children sober up before they find one. Apparently it happens to a lot of kids.

Baby - I answered it already at 4.31pm