to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?

[WashwithCare]

DH is not stepson's bio Dad, but lived with him between age 3 and 13, and has been in contact since and financially supporting his Mum and younger sister (also not DH's child).

Anyway, after a long saga of on-going hassles, and lots of soul-searching have in the last week really put my foot down, and inisted on a set of ground rules. I also have my DD (who lives with us f/t) and am about to have a baby (due 4/2) to think of. One of the new rules was that although DH is free to see his steps whenever he likes, and provide any financial support he sees fit - I didn't want them in our home near my kids (but I would review this in 6 mths).

So last night, DH is out for a work function. 10.30 pm, I notice stepson and another male I don't know walk up the path. They ring the bell - I ignore it. They are noisy and sound drunk/intoxicated... then tehy start shouting. I go down, answer the door on chain, say DH is not there, please go away.

Step son is hammered and screaming I'm a lying bitch as DH's car is in the drive (he took a taxi). Starts to boot the car, while his mates tries to talk him down. More screaming. I say, go now or I WILL call the police - manage to shut the door. I call the police,but whilst I am giving my address, they arrive. (2 other neighbours had called them).

I stay in doors, WPC comes into sit with me. 5 mins later, literally, they come into say the mate left and went home nicely, but stepson has been lifted. They ask if DH is the Dad - and I say no (and explain as above). Try to call DH, but get his voicemail - can't think what to say in a voice msg so say nothing about it. So go to bed, thinking this is not my problem.

Anyway, have found out today that police couldnt' contact DH's ex, so step son spent the night in the cells. DH is furious - he thinks I should have done more.

I think it's the mum's responsbility and although I think locking him up all night was OTT, I think I behaved reasonably.

AIBU?

Well Jasper, I assume you haven't broken up their home, left them alone with a parent with MH issues, and moved in with a complete bitch who wants then to just disappear from their father's life. Because if you had and still felt like that then that would be very sad.

Ok i've read enough (page 12 of 13) WWC i'm am amazed at how mant time you have said that you DH is not the boys father..eh YES HE IS!!! Sod the legality of it all, that man has played a vital role in those kids life, weather you like it or not he.
Ask you if he would consider himself to be a parent or gaurdian to those boys (if he doesn't then why the fuck is he paying for their schooling, home etc etc)
YOU should be the one trying to build bridges and get to know these boys..I mean ffs for a woman who claim to have a high paid job with a good education, you know fuck all about de-escalation techniques, you could of cooled that situation down with a few choice words.
I appreciate you a pregnant and wouldn't want any harm to come to you, your DD or your unborn child BUT you should have told your DH then and there what had happened regardless of a poxy fucking dinner, you should of asked the police what was going to happen to the boy (i thought lawyers were supposed to be inquisitive)
If their mother IS that bad and the boys REALLY are out of control phone SS.

WWC i said jokinly to my DP when i read the thread AMBU to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?... bet its WWC..

I find you extreamly hartless, cold and shallow. Your post has really made me !

Nigel I don't agree with your assessment of OP's situation.

Nonetheless, I can't think of ANY circumstances under which I would think my sons acting in that way was understandable/excusable .

The OP did not put them in the cells anyway. The police did, and good on them. My faith in the police has been boosted a little by this thread.

so many spelling mistakes as the whole thread has really pissed me off and was typing very quickly

I'm an avid MN lurker and should probably be asleep, but got caught up in this. Another WWC thread that just makes my blood boil. Not least of all because she's talking bollox again.

Not sure if anyone saw this on another thread, and I'm sure I'm breaking all sorts of MN etiquette by doing this but:

By WashwithCare Sun 17-Jan-10 22:39:40

Hope it gets better - I live apart from my DD and get on well with her dad, but there is nothing worse than handing your child over to someone you don't trust. WWC talking nonsense

I've been wondering, if WWC lives apart from her DD, then why does she claim in this and other threads that she has her DD full-time?

I posted this because on a thread where the woman was in bits over her ex-husband's abusive treatment of her son - WWC basically told the woman she needed to mediate with the abusive ex because it was down to different parenting styles. Then WWC has the audacity to post shite like this.

Anyway, I am a troll in the sense that I rarely post, but I'm also pig sick of this attention-seeking bint.

thought DD lived with you WWC? I dont say this lightly but you a 1 massive T.R.O.L.L!!!

If I were you, I would have left a voice mail, saying ds was there drunk and the neighbours called the police and they wanted to speak to him.

Enuffalready... Whilst I am flattered by your stalking I don't think you have discovered anything amazing.

As I have said before, my relationship with DD's dad was not a serious one, but we have worked hard to co-parent. I say DD lives with me f/t, as she has never spent a night away from me, but she sees her Dad regularly. Surely not that hard to get your head around?

Thanks to everyone for their opinions. It is good to know how a number of posters can empathise with how difficult a situtaion this is.

and made all the more difficult by one person.

You.

Jasper, we are not saying that the boy's behaviour is all right. What we are saying is that his father should be informed when he is in trouble with the police and that the OP has no right to decide he isn't the real father if he thinks he is.

I have never posted on WWC's threads before but felt compelled to answer one point.

My OH has been in my childrens lives since they were 6 and 9 years old. We are not married (and never will) He is their step-father in every sense of the word.

He has fed them, helped put a roof over their heads, been to hospital with them, held them when they cried, all the things fathers/stepfathers do. Just because we aren't married doesn't mean he doesn't deserve the title of stepdad.

WWC is a narrow minded bitch, those kids see her H as their dad, why not let that continue? How is it really damaging her or her DD?

If my OH and I split up, he would still see my boys as his, he would still want to spend time with them, they are part of his extended family, WWC does not have the right to stop a relationship that has been established for many years. Are you so insecure that a couple of distressed teenagers are such a threat to your so perfect life WWC?

Gosh I just can't wait for the next exciting chapter. I wonder what will happen next - bound to be some birth drama - seeing as wwc started posting at such length only a month before her due date. So - what do we think? I'm banking on an urgent medical appointment that dh threatens to miss because he's off sorting out the devil stepchildren. That would be a good AIBU. Or maybe a lovely fluffy homebirth followed by invasion of the devil children - bet the independant midwife will be calling the police then?

Honestly why do you giver it the attention, shes need to be seen by ward 24, and quickly, to see what other multiple personality disorder she can come ip with!

One minute you are saying you live apart (erm you said it, which means she does not live in the same household as you) and the next minute you are saying you have never been away from her for a night!

Maybe keep up with your fabrications!

WWC I truly hope you get the help in RL that you so clearly need. I actually find it sad to think of you sat at a computer making all of this up.

Good luck in dealing with your issues.

Honestly, I've been in a similar situation to WWCs step children, my Dad absconded with another woman when I was 16, and the break up left my mother having a complete breakdown and getting sectioned. I still didn't turn up on my Dad's doorstep causing havoc, I refused to MEET the OW for about 2 1/2 years but that was about the extent of it. So, while I can empathize with what the step children are feeling, I don't think it excuses their behaviour.

WWC, I know you weren't actually the OW, but from their perspective you were/are so do think the situation is similar.

In fact, 14 years later I get on absolutely fine with my stepmum and DD calls her Grandma as well (or will when she can talk!). I just don't agree with all the posters saying that he's a traumatized little boy so his behaviour is ok. The break up was two years ago, and it sounds like WWC has attempted to be welcoming and understanding in the face of continual provocation up until now. Its not worked, he's still behaving appallingly to WWC, maybe he does need to know he can't act exactly as he pleases with no consequences because he feels he's been wronged.

WOW - just trawled through another very many pages of shite from the wacko.

If she's a fake - seriously screwed up.

If she's real - seriously screwed up still. But, those poor kids!! I hope that whichever partner happens to be in residence with her when her DD reaches her teenage years shows a bloody sight more empathy than she is clearly capable of showing. What a totally nasty piece of work.

Oh, and I did just wonder - was it Inspector Rebus who arrived to make the arrest, because I have noticed that he always does seem to arrive promptly.

Nearly 350 posts over the course of one night - WWC, you seriously know how to push the buttons of MNers. Throughout your postings, you sound strangely disengaged - either you are making the entire thing up (v likely) or you are a sociopath (v likely again).

One thing you keep repeating is that your DH's ex was his xGF - I think you feel some sort of moral superiority at this...that he was with her for 10 years and never married or had children with her, whereas you've just been together a couple of years and are already married and have a child on the way. Because they weren't married, I think you feel that your DH is somehow less of a step-parent to those children than if he had been married to their mother.

I think you are extremely jealous of the fact your husband was with his partner for 10 whole years, was a family man with her and brought up two children with her. He had all that with her before you came onto the scene.

suddenly realises she has not been on MN for an age

i have been following this, but i can't possibly examine the intricate posting style and writings of the op to establish whether she is telling the truth, so i shall assume she is.

firstly i would like to say that whatever the legal stance, morally - your dh was the parent to that boy.

2. in a situation like this i too would have called the police.

3. i would have left a message for dh and i think you were a little devious at this point for not doing so.

4)Men are great sometimes, but a family unit where a woman is present, really does only work if that matron, queen bee, alpha female type allows it to.

there is a balance to be struck between protecting your family and understanding that this boy is emotionally traumatised and is acting out, and to allow him to bond with the main alpha male in his life. YOU either make that happen or not.

I realise its not pc to say it, i realise that this man is his own man and therefore should forge his own relationships etc etc. but a female partners influence, suggestions and forgiving and welcoming presence makes the diference between a fractured relationship and not

LOL, I enjoy WWC's threads. As I am not gymming at the moment I have no access to my guilty pleasure of Jeremy Kyle.

On the offchance you are not making it up:

This is really very simple.

If you want him, you get them.

Got it? Understand? You can't have one without the other, it looks like he isn't going to dump them to make your life easier.

blimey WWC, you WERE bored this weekend

Yes the boy behaved badly but I really don't think I could let a 15 year old spend the night in a police cell

It was VERY underhand not to let you DH know what was happening.

Not had time to read all the thread and I see there are doubts as to the OP being real.

However in that sitaution I would have had no hesitation at all in letting a drunk aggresive 15 year old spend a night in the cells. I would not compromise my own or my child's safety for anyone, step son or not.

I'm skimming but it seems dead simple to me. Heavily pg woman and her young child at home alone. Two drunk (one drunk?) and angry teenagers turn up at night and start threatening her. What would you like her to have done, invite them in for coffee? Sorry but I'm with WWC on this. Her first duty is to herself/baby and small child. Why should she have put herself at risk?

What happened after that is not her problem.