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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?

501 replies

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 19:46

DH is not stepson's bio Dad, but lived with him between age 3 and 13, and has been in contact since and financially supporting his Mum and younger sister (also not DH's child).

Anyway, after a long saga of on-going hassles, and lots of soul-searching have in the last week really put my foot down, and inisted on a set of ground rules. I also have my DD (who lives with us f/t) and am about to have a baby (due 4/2) to think of. One of the new rules was that although DH is free to see his steps whenever he likes, and provide any financial support he sees fit - I didn't want them in our home near my kids (but I would review this in 6 mths).

So last night, DH is out for a work function. 10.30 pm, I notice stepson and another male I don't know walk up the path. They ring the bell - I ignore it. They are noisy and sound drunk/intoxicated... then tehy start shouting. I go down, answer the door on chain, say DH is not there, please go away.

Step son is hammered and screaming I'm a lying bitch as DH's car is in the drive (he took a taxi). Starts to boot the car, while his mates tries to talk him down. More screaming. I say, go now or I WILL call the police - manage to shut the door. I call the police,but whilst I am giving my address, they arrive. (2 other neighbours had called them).

I stay in doors, WPC comes into sit with me. 5 mins later, literally, they come into say the mate left and went home nicely, but stepson has been lifted. They ask if DH is the Dad - and I say no (and explain as above). Try to call DH, but get his voicemail - can't think what to say in a voice msg so say nothing about it. So go to bed, thinking this is not my problem.

Anyway, have found out today that police couldnt' contact DH's ex, so step son spent the night in the cells. DH is furious - he thinks I should have done more.

I think it's the mum's responsbility and although I think locking him up all night was OTT, I think I behaved reasonably.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Janos · 24/01/2010 23:27

"so I can have a long lie"

Isn't that what you've been doing all weekend WWC? Having a long lie?

northernlurker · 24/01/2010 23:28

Not mother Nigel - Mom - of course, that's the term most commonly used by Edinburgh lawyers to describe the maternal parent.

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 23:29

Nigel - I love the idea of being Queen of Stealth - but I didnt' say he had been arrested before... this is the first time afaik.
I meant if he came round causing hassle again, he would perhaps be more relkuncant to as it might end up the same way!

OP posts:
Janos · 24/01/2010 23:29

It must be a legal term, northernlurker.

NigelTheWonderBoy · 24/01/2010 23:30

we need some US or Midlands backstory pdq to back up the mom usage....

NigelTheWonderBoy · 24/01/2010 23:31

yeah, 15 year olds, such a hassle. Call the police on them.

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 23:31

Sorry - i have missed teh church tradition quesiton - what is it?

OP posts:
Janos · 24/01/2010 23:31

By which I mean, a specialist legal term used only by the most richest and bestest solicitors in all of Edinboro.

northernlurker · 24/01/2010 23:33

Why don't you all go to church? What church tradition is it? Come to that - go on push the boat out and google a bit WHERE is it?

That was the church question

NigelTheWonderBoy · 24/01/2010 23:34

My grandmother was a Morningside Lady. Don't think she ever used "mom".

Mutherrrrr was more the phrase

MsMaryWollstonecraft · 24/01/2010 23:35

Nigel! shouldn't you be in bed?

I shall tell your mother of this, young man

...when I work out who she is

NigelTheWonderBoy · 24/01/2010 23:36

Nooooooo! Don't tell on me! Or call the polis on me! I promise to return to Mount Olympus just as soon as I have finished my refresher in UK family law!

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 23:41

Oh ok - it is a a local Church of Scotland church. We go together ocassionally - the Minister is lovely. and christned my DD and married DH and I. There's no obligation to attend every week, so DH occassionally misses, but I tend to go every week as DD enjoys Sunday School.

I'm a little uncomfortable by your line of questioning? Are you offended by anyone attending church?

OP posts:
northernlurker · 24/01/2010 23:42

Dear me it's taking the op a while to google a good church isn't it? If anybody asked me which church I went to I would simply tell them to pop off and bother somebody else. Still maybe that's what she's typing now?

GrumpyWhenWoken · 24/01/2010 23:44

WWC the last thread I posted on, you said you had gone to your ex's house, you are now home then?

northernlurker · 24/01/2010 23:48

Oh so sorry crossposted! So your dd was at swimming with dh and church with you? So whilst you were at church he found out about the arrest?

I'm not uncomfortable with church attendance at all - I attend church regularly myself. Therefore I am more than a little struggling with the idea of a regular churchgoer who treats children as uncharitably as you apparently do.

SpringHeeledJack · 24/01/2010 23:49

gah!!

I went and did it again

now write out 100 times-

I must not look at a WWC thread at 1145

I must not look at a WWC thread at 1145

I must not look at a WWC thread at 1145

...etc

NigelTheWonderBoy · 24/01/2010 23:49

So its ok to let a 15 year old be carted off by the police and not tell their stepfather your dh, but not ok to question anything to do with Church?

Last time I looked, the christian faith is mostly about doing as you would be done by, and caring for the weak, oppressed, and those with no voice...ring any bells?

I am personally offended by anyone attending church who does not follow the tenets of that religion in their own lives.

Its a little thing called hypocrisy.

northernlurker · 24/01/2010 23:54

I know SHJ - I should be doing the ironing! Got to hand it to the op 'she' isn't bad. Fairly consistent story but made a major howler with the night in the cells. Timeline doesn't quite stack up either but the main problem is that she overcooks it every time. The works dinner thing was quite good as an excuse for dh not being contactable but it fell down a bit because she also has to claim to be heavily pregnant and so there must be some sort of contact possible. The old 'couldn't think what to say' - from somebody who has racked up thousadns of words on mumsnet in just a month and who clearly has no problem in communicating - yeah right - never going to be convincing.

SpottyMuldoon · 24/01/2010 23:55

You sound like the ridiculous woman my ex-h has married who mostly stays upstairs when his (our) DDs go round (on the rare occasions he arranges to see them) or he takes them out for something to eat and she's on the phone the whole time nagging him about when he's coming home. Ex-h too weak to stand up to her and insist on more frequent contact or paying any maintenance though.

DDs have not surprisingly picked up on the fact that she resents their very existence and so what could have been an amicable and supportive extended family (they now have two children together) is a completely fractured and unsatisfactory mess.

My DDs are too lovely to cause a fuss though so ex and wife don't have to deal with their hurt and confusion so it's all roses in their household. Which is obviously all that matters to you as well.

SpringHeeledJack · 24/01/2010 23:55

northernlurker

BitOfFun · 25/01/2010 00:05

SpringHeeledJack- I love your name, are you from Liverpool?

NigelTheWonderBoy · 25/01/2010 00:10

Oh spotty, you bring back such dear memories of my childhood!

"spotty Muldoon, Spotty Muldoon, you've got spots all over your face"!

Sigh of happiness.

ScreaminEagle · 25/01/2010 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jasper · 25/01/2010 00:27

If my boys ever turn up drunk on anyone's doorstep causing a disturbance and kicking a car AT ANY AGE I will happily let the police lock them up for a week.

I am an ancient poster( if anyone cares) and I think OP did exactly the right thing .