to "allow" DH's 15 yr old stepson to get arrested and spend a night in the cells?

[WashwithCare]

DH is not stepson's bio Dad, but lived with him between age 3 and 13, and has been in contact since and financially supporting his Mum and younger sister (also not DH's child).

Anyway, after a long saga of on-going hassles, and lots of soul-searching have in the last week really put my foot down, and inisted on a set of ground rules. I also have my DD (who lives with us f/t) and am about to have a baby (due 4/2) to think of. One of the new rules was that although DH is free to see his steps whenever he likes, and provide any financial support he sees fit - I didn't want them in our home near my kids (but I would review this in 6 mths).

So last night, DH is out for a work function. 10.30 pm, I notice stepson and another male I don't know walk up the path. They ring the bell - I ignore it. They are noisy and sound drunk/intoxicated... then tehy start shouting. I go down, answer the door on chain, say DH is not there, please go away.

Step son is hammered and screaming I'm a lying bitch as DH's car is in the drive (he took a taxi). Starts to boot the car, while his mates tries to talk him down. More screaming. I say, go now or I WILL call the police - manage to shut the door. I call the police,but whilst I am giving my address, they arrive. (2 other neighbours had called them).

I stay in doors, WPC comes into sit with me. 5 mins later, literally, they come into say the mate left and went home nicely, but stepson has been lifted. They ask if DH is the Dad - and I say no (and explain as above). Try to call DH, but get his voicemail - can't think what to say in a voice msg so say nothing about it. So go to bed, thinking this is not my problem.

Anyway, have found out today that police couldnt' contact DH's ex, so step son spent the night in the cells. DH is furious - he thinks I should have done more.

I think it's the mum's responsbility and although I think locking him up all night was OTT, I think I behaved reasonably.

AIBU?

Oh sweet jesus, no, must not disturb him at his "networking dinner".

Fuck me you sound pompous.

So, if your 3 year old had an accident when he was at a "networking dinner" (who the hell has these things on a Saturday night - he doesn't work for Eversheds does he?) you wouldn't bother to tell him, because he's not her father either?

WashwithCare Sun 24-Jan-10 22:37:06

"Babyice - I didn't say ring me back because I assumed that police would have taken DSS home, and besides I wanted to go to bed, so I didn't really want him to ring me, and have to recount it all... I am pg and have a small child who wakes at 6.30 every morning.. "

You are pregnant with this man's child and you expect him to be a stepfather to your older child- and this is the kind of attitude towards children you want to encourage! Has it never struck you that his relationship to your older child will be the same as to this boy- if you encourage him not to care because he's not the biological father, why should he have a more responsible attitude towards your dd? If your dd ever needs help, then he'll turn over in bed and mutter 'don't want to be bothered, got to get to work in the morning...'?!

I have an ex half cousin. Or is that ex step cousin?

Maybe I should have stopped talking to him when his mum and my uncle split.

anyway, imaginary real life does not get more interesting than this.

I think he was at an Amway or Herbalife function...can't bail out of those...

networking dinner? chips from blue lagoon and on the pull at clattie pats most likely

Why don't you all go to church? What church tradition is it? Come to that - go on push the boat out and google a bit WHERE is it?

Bet the stepson was drinking Buckfast an aw', ken.

I am utterly baffled.

Your husband's child (biologically or not) was imprisoned you fool.

Yes, he might want to know about it

rab mcglinchey best pals of wash with care stepson

Giving WWC the benefit again...

I can see there might be another reason why she didn't alert her DH on the night. She had been (allegedly) confronted on her doorstep by drunken youths who were abusive and committing criminal damage. She was alone except for her 3 yo and is pregnant. She might well have wanted a little reassurance and support from her DH but given his reaction to her the next morning she might equally have known that she wouldn't get it but instead been told to take some responsibility for someone else's 15 yo.

If this was the case I wouldn't ruddy well blame her for asking the Police to deal with a potentially volatile and quite possibly frightening problem and leaving her DH uninformed.

If a drunk abusive 15 year old (say a cousin or something - I don't have any stepchildren) who had consistantly been unpleasant and agressive in the past turned up on my doorstep shouting at me I wouldn't let them in if I was on my own, pregnant or not. If the police then took them away I wouldn't blame myself, I'd blame them. And if they had a rotten experience at the station and had to wait until the next day to be picked up I'd hope that they had learnt a bit of a lesson about how agressive behaviour is not acceptable and you can't act like that no matter how aggrieved you think you are.

Don't know what people are expecting WWC to have done - offer him a cup of tea? Let him in to scream some more threatening abuse and wake her three year old daughter?

Am loving the church detail. You went to church like a good christian yet weren't bothered an iota about the fate of a child often in your care.

I think in all honesty, having DH at home would have made things worse. He probably would have let DSC into the house, who would promptly thrown up on the hall and woken up DD.

It was actually less traumatic for me to have the police called, as they were very efficient, and he was off the street within about 7 minutes.

I did assume they would take him home, and therfore do the role that DH would have tried to do, with no hassle to us. However, they ovvioulsy aren't so indulgent in dealing with gobby 15 year olds!

Why anyone thinks I should have phoned DH and spoiled his work dinner, when I thought the police had already done what he woudl done anyway is beyond me.

The perinent thing for me that I take from teh situation is that although I think it is upsetting, it was actually better for me and DD how it happened, than the usual carry on. Police were efficient - carted him off quickly and DD wasn't woken, and neighbours not too disturbed.

I recognise that it wasn't great for DSS, but maybe it will teach him a lesson?

That just doesn't stand up Valhalla - if the op rang her apparently all round good egg bloke and said 'your kid has trashed the car and scared me, the police are here, come home!' Do you really think he would have said 'no can do, got to network, you deal with it?' Bearing in mind that this very week he apparently signed an interest in his house over to her and vowed never to let his kids in the house just to keep madam happy.....

and the lesson would be "RUN RUN RUN FROM THE STEP MOTHER AND THE SO CALLED DH" no wonder he is so fucked up and you should be ashamed of yourself if you really are in this situation

No Valhalla, its malice to not inform the dh of the situation. Drunken, upset 15 year olds act out for attention, and as we have been assured that the dh has kept them all in a nice comfortable middle class, private school existence for the last ten years, there is no reason to suppose the boy is anything other than an angry hurt adolescent. And while I agree who wants to deal with that stuff, sometimes you just have to. Its about being an adult. Pregnancy is no excuse for abandoning another child to the police and not informing at least one interested parent of the situation as soon as possible.

Isn't it amazing that the police had such a swift call out time? After all, it isn't as if they would have anything else to do on a Saturday night in..where was it again..? Edinburgh or Glasgow?

Couldn't resist coming back

It has just clicked that our main troll here is fixated by breastfeeding and legal issues- it must be him, surely? He sure has a lot of time on his hands...

scottishmummy- I haven't seen you for a while: I almost got around to doing a search to see if you'd been on recently so I could do a We Miss Scottishmummy thread- you would have loved it

But Janos - surely the Edinburgh police hang round Morningside to answer distress calls from the neighbours of pregnant not-stepmother lawyers?

You didn't want the boy in the house because he might throw up? are you serious?

Thanks for that lucky and Vallhalla - no doubt I will now be accused of being both of you too [sigh]

I'm with Valhalla.

If WWC is real, she has been verbally abused whilst on her own, heavily pregnant and with her toddler in the house. Which would be terrifying. However her behaviour has been, this is unacceptable.

Also unacceptable are posts such as JustSue's "in fact you don't deserve children real or not"

If you think WWC is a troll, then why post on the thread?

op has mythomaniac tendencies.

Well, could be they were all camped out at Fred Goodwin's house and feeling a bit bored northernlurker...