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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

marriage blah blah blah

117 replies

marantha · 22/01/2010 21:59

Well, here we go again- same old arguments rage on about the marriage.

"Married people are better than the unmarried"

"Cohabitees should be treated as married after a certain time".

In their own way, both statements are wrong.

They fail to grasp what marriage is in the cold light of day.

"Marriage is a religious thing"- er, no, not necessarily.

"You're more committed if you're married" Well, maybe, but not all married people are committed and not all committed people are married.

"It's about bringing up of children"- well 50-year-olds marry.

The ONLY constant thing about marriage in the UK is a legal aspect. You marry and you are making a statement that you wish the outside world, tax authorities and the old guy over the road that you are a couple- because they are not psychic and will not know otherwise (hence cohabitee rights being unworkable).

It's time we grew up as a society and took marriage for what it is i.e. a legal thing and put the hearts and flowers bull and value judgements in the bin.

OP posts:
Boys2mam · 22/01/2010 22:02

I just want my Dp's surname

LucyEllensmadmummy · 22/01/2010 22:05

WHY? are you revisiting this?

MavisEnderby · 22/01/2010 22:05

You can be unmarried and ensure that yoi
ur wishes are enshrined in law though.

I have a learning disabled dd so a will including a special trust for her was very important to us as a family in case of either of us dying.(Co habiting relationship,been together 14 years)

shonaspurtle · 22/01/2010 22:05

Do you think people would find it more palatable if we had a system like France (for example) where a marriage was only legal if it happened in front of a registrar - ie it was a purely civil contract?

AFAIK, in France you can have a religious ceremony if you want, but you have to pop down the town hall and get the legal bit done first, so to all intents and purposes having two weddings.

I know on here that a lot of people seem to be put off by the so-called religious aspect. Which is silly of course as there's nothing, per se, religious about marriage.

(I may be wrong about France but I'm sure a friend's daughter had to have a registry office ceremony with just her & her dh & the mayor before her church wedding.)

NonVinaigretteRien · 22/01/2010 22:07

but it is more than a legal thing in our world.

It can be about property, control, legalities, but we live in a decadent age and we can have marriage just because two people really want to make a public declaration and "own" each other.

If that's just bullshit, that makes a very depressing world. We are very lucky to be able to marry for these reasons.

DuelingFanjo · 22/01/2010 22:07

"You marry and you are making a statement that you wish the outside world, tax authorities and the old guy over the road that you are a couple"

I am married and I don't think anyone in my street knows I am. Nor do I think it effects my tax.

The guy over the road may have seen my tits but that was my fault for leaving the curtains open.

Tortington · 22/01/2010 22:10

i married for religious reasons

Original poster
marantha · 22/01/2010 22:29

DuelingFanjo I was perhaps being flippant here, but what I meant is that marriage is a statement. A statement made that means that certain things like having the authority to make decisions about your spouse's body if they were to die (extremely morbid example, I know) become AUTOMATIC.

A statement from which certain rights and responsibilities flow.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 22/01/2010 22:38

I don't always think it's a statement though, not a public one anyway.

pooexplosions · 22/01/2010 23:10

are you a really bitter divorcee or something, or jilted at the altar?

You seem to be oddly obsessed about marriage, posting over and over again about the cohabitee rights thing and how everyone elses opinions on marriage (even their own) are wrong.

jasper · 22/01/2010 23:20

here here.
I agree with OP

That is why I am not married

RonaldMcDonald · 22/01/2010 23:26

where's the aibu bit??

GretaG · 23/01/2010 00:30

NonVinaigretteRien

Stumbled upon this thread by accident and just wanted to say I love your nickname (love Edith).

As to the actual thread here, married/unmarried - individual tax breaks for all regardless of marital/civil partnership!

14hourstillbedtime · 23/01/2010 05:11

Can I be a shameless, hearts-on-sleeves-wearing romantic and say I married the love of my life, would marry him every day if I could, adore him completely and think that living together would not be the same thing?

(runs and hides now....)

Married 7 years, btw - one DS and preg with DD. Moved continents and jobs to be with DH. Undergone the standard job changes, house changes, flinging-plates-against-wall arguments and just think he is the most passionate, gorgeous, integrity-ful (not a word but late at night here in the US and you know what I mean...) person I've ever met.

Having him with me constantly throughout DS labour was a mind-expanding, relationship-cementing thing, too. Honestly couldn't have done it without him.

OK, now (now?) I am seriously driveling... Can't even blame alcohol...

Bumbleconfusus · 23/01/2010 08:57

Just to say, the UK is not only about the legal aspect, and if you choose to you could be married religiously but not legally (this can often happen Islamically as far as I can tell), then you can be, it doesn't make you any less married than anyone else, and if you really wanted a name change you could always go with deed pole. I think the fact is you can't say there is really anything constant in the UK with regards to marriage that applies to every single person/couple. I married my DH so that I could be with him forever (or till he gets so annoyed with me that he ends my fluffy little life), and for religious reasons, (even though we weren't able to really have a religious marriage, as we are both different religions, but God knows). And in the same way, the legally unmarried couples who have been together for 30 odd years, God knows as well, and he know the good intentions they have.

kat2907 · 23/01/2010 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

marantha · 23/01/2010 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

slightlystressed · 23/01/2010 09:40

Just talking with DP about getting married, I told him it costs about £100 and we are not having a wedding..its just signing a contract!

At the end of the day, if he ends up in hospital I want to be consulted, if we split up I dont want to end up skint, if one of us dies I dont want the remaining one to pay inheritence tax. GOing down the registrars office ensures this.

Original poster
marantha · 23/01/2010 09:42

God may know the good intentions they have (NOT being flippant) but unless they are legally wed, or made a will, it doesn't matter how long the unmarried couple have been together- they will not inherit a penny from their partner if he/she dies intestate (other than JOINT purchases i.e. a joint mortgage- but that's a business arrangement of sorts).

Of course, they could make a claim as a "dependent" but it's not guaranteed they'll get anything.

OP posts:
mistletoekisses · 23/01/2010 10:28

Your OP is a pile of utter bollocks.

I married DH because I met him, I fell completely and utterly in love with him and thought that there was no one else I would rather spend the rest of my life with. Fortunately he shared my sentiments and for us; our wedding day was one of the loveliest days of my life. It was nothing about legalities/ society - it was just about us.

Think what you want about marriage - but dont come on here telling others what it is about!

SolidGoldBrass · 23/01/2010 10:35

Sorry but the OP is right. Marriage is a legal contract and always has been - it's about inheritance rights, legitimizing children and (previously) about men's right to own women.

The romantic/religious aspects of it are a matter for the individuals concerned and maybe their families - the state doesn't care.
ANd Bumble, you are wrong: while Muslims (and Sikhs and Hindus and loads of others) may consider themselves married if they go through a religious marriage ceremony, unless they also have a register office official version they are not 'just as married as anyone else' they are not legally married at all.

LucyEllensmadmummy · 23/01/2010 10:38

WTF? with the personal jibes girls???

kat, your pictures are lovely - you have a lovely family

marantha, that was a shit thing to say

underactivethyroidmum · 23/01/2010 10:46

14hours - there is nothing wrong in feeling like this and you should be shouting from the rooftops !!! I feel like this about my DH even if he does have his faults

Marriage for me is about many different things - commitment, responsibility, security and love for the man who I'm proud to call my DH

If thats something to hide or be ashamed of then quite frankly I think it's everyone else who has a problem !

yama · 23/01/2010 10:51

I think marriage is different for each of us.

As a lazy fecker I am still Miss Maiden-name so it certainly aint about showing other people for me.

I appreciate all of the legal protection were one of us to die. Other than that, like I said it is very personal.

CommonNortherner · 23/01/2010 10:56

I married for immigration purposes