to expect a bit more help from DS' godparents?

[EvilHRLady]

Disclaimer - bit of a long rant!

I am pg with DC2 - due on 16 Jan, but now overdue (obviously!)

We don't live anywhere near our families (2 - 4 hours away) and quite a few of our closest friends have moved away from our immediate area so they are 40 mins - 1 hour away too. So one set of DS's godparents, who live 5 mins down the road, are the closest people we know, both location wise, and relationship.

When we saw them around Christmas time, we had a quick conversation about how we needed to get our act together and think about what we were going to do with DS when I went into labour. Cue 10 min monologue about how that week would probably be really busy for them at work, and don't forget about hockey practice on Mon nights...but of course they would help where they could.

We've seen them since, and haven't raised the subject again, as I was a bit put out about this previous conversation, and told DH that we just shouldn't rely on them (although I don't know what we actually are going to do!)

Earlier this week, got a text from friend asking how things were going - I said I was still waiting, no sign of anything yet. The reply I got was:
"we've been told that inspection is happening next week, so we are unavailable for childcare all weekend"

I am feeling quite pissed off about this, since
a) we've never asked for "childcare all weekend" - the only thing we've ever discussed is the time that DH would need to attend the birth of DC2
b) we've specifically NOT asked them for help because of the Christmas conversation & the fact that we need someone to commit to helping us rather than be flaky about other arrangements they might have on, and then we are up shit creek when we do need someone to keep an eye on DS
c) we are talking about a very specific, one-off, never to be repeated special situation...I know that our children are our responsbility, so I don't expect people to drop everything to be on call for us - but to help out (and maybe miss hockey practice for once!)...is that REALLY so unreasonable?
d) they don't seem to realise that we don't have that many options - whilst we have had very kind offers from our next door neighbours & other friends who have moved away, I am anxious about having someone close by to pick DS up from nursery/sit with him in the immediate timeframe that something starts to happen...and we can't just leave DS with anyone, as he (at 2y 9m) needs to feel comfortable with being left by mum & dad.

So there, that's my issue.
DH suggested I put this to the test with the MN jury.

Aside from the AIBU question - what have other people done in this situation? I am thinking that if push comes to shove, DH will have to stay with DS and will miss the birth

Personally I think you are being unreasonable, although I do appreciate and understand your concerns about leaving your DS with others.

If the godparents are child-free then I expect they don't really understand or appreciate your worries. I suspect that they misunderstood about the request for child-care and really thought that they'd need to look after your DS for the entire weekend.

Sorry, but I think you need to take up the other offers you've had. It is bit of a non-problem really if you've had other offers, though?

I also think you are being unreasonable. Take up the other offers.

They are being arse-y certainly - and not very godparent-y. (Although I think the text means 'we are not available at any point over the weekend', rather than that they think you're dumping ds for the weekend)

But they haven't got kids (I assume!), and probably have no idea what it's like - they're probably scared witless of looking after your ds alone.

I think you just have to discount them & move on. As you say, this is a real one off, and MOST people (with kids) would be delighted to help & will move heaven & earth. So don't worry about asking less close friends - think about it, if someone asked you, wouldn't you be chuffed to bits to be trusted, and to be involved in such a special moment?

I was in a similar situation - all family 1.5 hours away, no obvious long term mates who could help out - so I set up a load of people I could ask - so that if anyone couldn't manage the particular time I went into labour, it was fine for them to say no. And they knew that my mum would set off straight away , so they'd have ds for 1.5 hours maximum!

I would ask some local mates (even if not good friends) if they could cover for 40 mins, and ask your better friends (40mins-1 hour away) if they could be available to take over. And have lots of back up options, as otherwise you'll give birth at the one time no-one can do And I would be hacked off with the godparents....

The text wouldn't bother me on it's own, I would presume that they are letting you know in advance so that you know they can't help, however the conversation where they said about hockey [practise and other commitmments is a bit bizarre.

You will get lots of replies saying you can't expect anything from anyone and they only managed with the help of their pet guinea pig but, as you say, it is not their responsibility, but good friends should want to help out and it is quite clearly not an everyday request. YANBU

d'oh, just read that you've had other offers (not paying attention) - so it's fine, ain't it?

I would be very annoyed at them actually. They aren't just friends, they are Godparents, they should make an effort. Plus, are they joined at the hip? Do they both go to hockey/work together and can't be parted? They sound clueless.

I would ask at nursery. Maybe your keyworker would be happy to be on call - then you know DS is with someone who he knows and who cares about him.

I had a list of about 5 people who may or may not have been available and was going to work my way down the list - fortunately labour started at night time when most people are at home! - so no.1 friend came over in case DS woke up. She was so brilliant during labour that we changed plans and she took DS to be looked after next door when he woke around dawn, and then came back again as I didn't want to be without her!

You really do have my sympathy - I got mega stressed about this issue of childcare during the birth of our ds2.

ok course you have no right to expect childcare from your friends. But perhaps this gives you an insight into their priorities right now? You do have the right to feel disappointed that they don't want to help.

can the nursery offer any extra cover? or perhaps one of the staff might be able to help?

Can't quite make out from your post whether you have actually asked them if they would have ds when it's time or whether you have dropped hints in the hope that they would offer? If the latter YADefBU, but I am a bit disappointed with them. It is a big occassion and as you say a one off.

But what is the big deal with your other friends? If you start contracting one of them living 40min-1hour away will still make it in time to collect ds or stay with him at yours, unless you are such a fast labourer that you can't get to hospital in time in which case problem solved anyway .

just noticed your name.

this changes everything. Obviously if you really are an evil HR lady then you have no right to any help at all

Being a god parent is about religeous direction and all that not being your baby sitters!

And seriously - you will have plenty of time to call on poeple living 40 minutes away - we dropped DD off at DH's parents which was a 35 minute journey away twice during the time that I was contracting and my waters had broke.

I think you are being unreasonable too.

It's not your friends' fault that you chose to have another child and that they are the only people you feel close to locally.

You cannot expect other people to put their lives on hold unless they are able to do so.

I think though that the text message from them suggests that they are busy all weekend rather than that they were expecting to have to look after your dc all weekend. Perhaps their 'inspection' is as important to them as the birth of your next dc is to you?

When I was on 'stand-by' for a friend, I let her know when I was not availabe too so that she knew when she needed to make other plans.

If the worse comes to the worse and you don't feel happy with the neighbours who have offered then as you say, your dh could stay at home. I would have done that with my second if I'd had to (dh not much use anyway when I'm in labour).

Good luck with the new arrival.

YANBU - if they are close friends looking after your DS on a one off special occasion while you are giving birth is not too much to ask IMO.

Would it be possible to put one or more of your "40 minute to 1 hour" friends on standby? If your labour kicks off slowly or your DS is in nursery they would have time to get to you and then have neighbours on emergency if you need to go into hospital asap duty only.

Hope you get something sorted out and I wouldn't say anything further to DS's godparents (the role doesn't seem to mean much to them does it?). But when your new LO has arrived I would be tempted to mention how helpful X was who had your DS for you and see if they are shamefaced!

FWIW I was lucky in that when my DD was born she was a middle of the night HB so DS could stay asleep in bed. Just as well as our back up option was my ILs a 20 min drive away (we had just moved and had literally noone else to ask) and when we tried to get hold of them the next morning to say DD had arrived we couldn't reach them for hours...

Also forgot to say, when my friend went into labour with 2nd dc her home birth plan changed and needed to go to hospital. She was in a state over her DC1 and phoned on the off chance I could help. It was a real pleasure for me to be able to help her. Her labour had stalled big time and then when I spoke to her on the phone reassuring her about DC1, she relaxed and everything progressed really well. It does make a big difference to how you feel.

Her DC was a similar age to your DS and ended up staying with us overnight (first time away from mum and dad, unfamiliar house) - she was totally fine. Just have a little bag packed for your DS with a change of clothes, nappies, toy and favourite DVD or something. Friend's DD had to go home wearing my DS's clothes

Good luck.

I don't think they are being unreasonable as such - however, as a friend and godparent I would not act like them. I have 4 wk old twins, a 3 yr old and I'm currently on standby for a friend who is due shortly - at times like these I think you go beyond the call of duty.

But do not feel uncomfortable about taking up the other offers... neighbours are ideal. Our neighbours were on standby should labour start in the night and we wouldn't wake DS. People feel honoured to help in these situations (well obviously not your DS' godparent's but most people, certainly those with kids of their own) and will be more than willing to help.

We had no childcare organised bar my planned section date for DS, and I understand how stressful it is - in the event I ended up in hospital for 8 days and the number of people who came out of the woodwork to help with DS, feeding us, doing washing etc was amazing - truly touched by the kindness of others. So really, don't panic, there will be other options.

I loathe flaky and selfish people, but then I am one of those people who'd do anything for anyone most days and would rather put myself to inconvenience and expense than let someone down. I think it is important to be aware, though, that MOST people are like your friends. They prioritise themselves, their own lives and their own comfort. It's not an attitude that I like much, but I have come to realise (after many years of being disappointed when people havent' been as accommodating as I generally am) that this is how most normal people are, hence all the 'YABU' replies.

Sorry that doesn't help much. I have a godson and if his parents have another baby we will be delighted to have him for an hour, a day, a week or whatever. We will take time off work if necessary. But most people wouldn't. It doesn't mean they're not your friends, or that they don't care about you or that they are bad people - they're just normal.

It sounds to me that they are up for helping, but are (very reasonably) letting you know in advance that they are not going to be able to this weekend. If they had no intention of helping at all, they wouldn't have sent you the text.

The Christmas conversation also sounds more, from the way you put it, as if they are saying that yes, they'd love to help but want to warn you that there is every possibility that their potential workload may make it difficult for them to drop everything. I think you need to talk to them and find out from them what times over the next week or so they would be free to help and if you do go into labour at the 'wrong' time, try not to worry too much. Plenty of people have second and subsequent babies when they have no-one to care for the elder ones. Hospitals are quite used to dealing with it, or if you have a homebirth it's quite possible that your son will sleep through the lot and just come down in the morning to a brand new baby sibling.

Just to add, when I went into labour with DC2 my planned baby-sitter was 300 miles away (the only time she was going away for the four week period surrounding the due date). Because it was after midnight we decided not to knock on the neighbours door, although they told us that we could call on them any time. They were mortally offended.

YANBU- the text message they sent was probably to let you know in advance that they couldn't make it as ddwood and gubbins say. But if they are friends or godparents it would be nice if they could change their plans for a one-off situation like this.
how long were you in labour with DS? are you expecting it to be quick. Chances are you would have time to organise the people who are an hour away.

Ha ha muddleduck - I knew it would come back to haunt me one day...

Willsurvive - we haven't just dropped hints, hoping for an offer of help. We talked about it months ago, and the first response was 'of course we'll help out' - as the actual event has got closer, we've just had more caveats about what they would (not) be able to do & when

Fibmle - I think you've hit the nail on the head - it feels like they are joined at the hip, because they will very rarely agree to anything if one of them is busy, and only one of them is free. They do work together (they teach at the same school - was trying to avoid mentioning their profession to avoid charges of teacher-bashing )

Yes, we do have other offers, but I suppose I am thinking that we know DS will be ok with the godparents, as he sees them often and knows them well, and has been left alone with them before - whereas our neighbours/other friends have only been with him whilst we've been there too. So maybe I am worrying about something that isn't really an issue, I just don't want to worry about DS whilst trying to sort ourselves out.

I don't actually know what to expect when going into labour, as with DS, I was already in hospital, induced...and then had an emergency CS. Perhaps this is adding to things, as I actually feel like a first timer!

I will ask at nursery if there's any way they can help out - they are usually very helpful, so I'll see what they could do.

And then hope that waters go in the middle of the night and it is all VERY SLOW!

Fimble - that is reassuring, I hadn't thought of packing a bag for DS, but will do so now!

emsyj - that is DH's approach too, so he will be v happy to know there is someone else out there who would do the same

Thanks ladies, glad to know I am not being totally unreasonable...

Can either of your parents help out? Despite being so many hours away.

When I was pg with dd we dropped ds off at nursery and gp's came from 2 hours away to collect him. Ended up staying here for a week. They were pretty much aware to do so but very happy to help. Also knew with family staying that they wern't really too inconvenienced.

And agree if middle of the night, ask neighbours to come and sit in and call grandparents!!

emsyj, how lucky you are to have a job where your bosses are ok with you dropping everything, even at the most busy times, to babysit someones elses child. And how your flaky and selfish colleagues must love you for be being so accomodating. Not to mention (were you to be a teacher like these people) how much the parents of your pupils would appreciate your selfless, caring attitude.

I was in a similar situation when I had DS. Our close friends had already planned to go away, MIL didn't want to help and my mum lives miles away. Other people offered to help, but I didn't feel I knew them well enough to impose on them in the middle of the night.

In the end DH and DD took me to hospital and stayed in the TV room while I had DS. Luckily it was only for 10 minutes, so no-one was bored! They both came to see the baby, went to the park, then came back to bring me and DS home a few hours later.

But, for us, it wasn't that important for DH to be at the birth. He wasn't overly keen to be there anyway, and I was happier to know DD didn't feel excluded.

Erm, just want to add I don't expect anyone to take time off work - but as teachers, they can (theoretically) make nursery pick up time (if ever needed) easier than most other people we know...

If they are teachers, then does "inspection" mean Ofsted? If so, that is a bit more of a deal than hockey practice. That could easily mean they are both called in to school to work, on the premises, for the entire weekend.

Good luck with new arrival.

Yes, you do need to pack a bag for DS1. Also, if people may be looking after him in your home (e.g. if it happens at night) and they're not very familiar, write a manual to your house - where keys are and how to lock door, how to work microwave/cooker and anything else odd. Buy in a load of food your DS1 will definitely eat and videos he'd like and stash it somewhere for the babysitter to use in moments of need.