to expect a bit more help from DS' godparents?

[EvilHRLady]

Disclaimer - bit of a long rant!

I am pg with DC2 - due on 16 Jan, but now overdue (obviously!)

We don't live anywhere near our families (2 - 4 hours away) and quite a few of our closest friends have moved away from our immediate area so they are 40 mins - 1 hour away too. So one set of DS's godparents, who live 5 mins down the road, are the closest people we know, both location wise, and relationship.

When we saw them around Christmas time, we had a quick conversation about how we needed to get our act together and think about what we were going to do with DS when I went into labour. Cue 10 min monologue about how that week would probably be really busy for them at work, and don't forget about hockey practice on Mon nights...but of course they would help where they could.

We've seen them since, and haven't raised the subject again, as I was a bit put out about this previous conversation, and told DH that we just shouldn't rely on them (although I don't know what we actually are going to do!)

Earlier this week, got a text from friend asking how things were going - I said I was still waiting, no sign of anything yet. The reply I got was:
"we've been told that inspection is happening next week, so we are unavailable for childcare all weekend"

I am feeling quite pissed off about this, since
a) we've never asked for "childcare all weekend" - the only thing we've ever discussed is the time that DH would need to attend the birth of DC2
b) we've specifically NOT asked them for help because of the Christmas conversation & the fact that we need someone to commit to helping us rather than be flaky about other arrangements they might have on, and then we are up shit creek when we do need someone to keep an eye on DS
c) we are talking about a very specific, one-off, never to be repeated special situation...I know that our children are our responsbility, so I don't expect people to drop everything to be on call for us - but to help out (and maybe miss hockey practice for once!)...is that REALLY so unreasonable?
d) they don't seem to realise that we don't have that many options - whilst we have had very kind offers from our next door neighbours & other friends who have moved away, I am anxious about having someone close by to pick DS up from nursery/sit with him in the immediate timeframe that something starts to happen...and we can't just leave DS with anyone, as he (at 2y 9m) needs to feel comfortable with being left by mum & dad.

So there, that's my issue.
DH suggested I put this to the test with the MN jury.

Aside from the AIBU question - what have other people done in this situation? I am thinking that if push comes to shove, DH will have to stay with DS and will miss the birth

Are you a teacher too, EvilHRLady? If not, I think you are under-estimating quite how all-consuming an inspection is for teachers at a school. And as they're both at the same school, this will impact on them both equally.

I don't think they are being that selfish personally. You've had other offers, take them up.

Gubbins - thats a bit harsh!

But then, I am like emsyj, I tend to go by 'do unto others as you would have them do to you'.

EvilHRlady, honestly, it doesn't matter if DS is not used to being on his own with neighbours/other friends. I know people sometimes want to do a practice - but DS wouldn't know the difference between 'practice' and 'mummys in labour' - he is young and only concerned with what is happening to him. The type of people offering to have him sound like the type to make sure he is happy and has a fun time. It will be an adventure for him.

DS can still remember what he had for breakfast next door the day DD was born (3 years ago, he was 20 months old). Unusual isn't always bad, it will be fun and exciting and probably full of treats.

YANBU - they are. How unsympathetic, unhelpful and uncaring. I'd be hacked off with that text - what do they expect you to do, go "oh ok then, I'll just keep dc2 in for a bit longer." Especially since you haven't even been pestering them for help.

Agree with a previous poster who said something about how most people will move heaven and earth to help - I suggest you ring a friend who lives further away, I know I'd drive an hour to help a friend out.

And don't even mention it to the godparents. Let them find out through the grapevine that you've had the baby, without their help thanks very much. Honestly, sometimes people need to realise for themselves how unhelpful they've been, rather than have anyone tell them.

Good luck

Ah, so is hockey practice something he's in charge of then, rather than a club he goes to?
They sound a busy pair - could you not have timed your birth for school holidays?

It may be that during an inspection they are expected to stay later to prepare things for the following day. I don't know, I'm not a teacher. I do however work as an inspector, (Not of schools) and know that inspected bodies feel an awful lot of pressure. It will be all hands to the pump.

YABU tbh, my dd has fantastic godparents and they do look after them for me sometimes when they ask, i would never ask really unless in an emergency. But even then when i had a m/c and needed dd to be looked after they were at work so you cannot rely on them or expect them to drop everthing because of you. I would have loved them to take her over Christmas and New Year so that I could get some things done as my dh works, but did not ask and they were pretty busy with family and I respected that.

On one hand you are saying that you are alone, no family, friends not close etc, and on the other hand you are a bit choosy tbh.

If neighbours offered to help then be glad and accept it. It wont kill your son. When you don't have family then any help is welcome. And i do sympathise, my family is abroad.

I have just noticed that you have other offers, i would take them up, they sound like they do have their reasons not to, yes i would be miffed tbh and a little pissed off but would realise that IABU, even though they are your dd godparents they are not babysitters and i am sure that if they could have helped they would.

Ofsted inspections are a big deal for teachers. I know teachers who have eventually lost their jobs after a poor inspection report. They are not being unreasonable but are probably genuinely snowed under with work and stress.

I would not expect anything from your friends leading up to and during the inspection. Do you know when it is finished?

If they are involved in running hockey practice it is also unreasonable to expect them to let others down by cancelling it.

I'm sure your neighbours would be delighted to be on stand-by if you need to go to hospital sooner than planned and so are unable to wait for your friends further away. I'm sure though that you will have plenty of time to get everything organised once lanour starts.

Maybe invite the neighbours over for tea and cake and ask them if they mind you taking them up on them being on stand-by?

A time-table/manual for your ds/house is a good idea.

Seriously, you're overdue and you haven't sorted out care for your DS? These people are not going to help you out, stop wasting time on them and take up another offer. Can your mum/ILs/anyone come and stay with you starting now? Then your DS would have time to get used to that person and you wouldn't have to worry about travel times.

Agree with other posters, you will have time to wait for someone to drive to you, there's usually plenty of warning and waiting before the baby comes!

YANBU to be irritated by their text reply.

They could have said something like 'good luck. Hope it doesn't happen this weekend as are really busy with work so can't have the little one.'

Rather than 'unavailable for childcare' which would make me grr as well.

BUT

YABU not to have sorted something definite out with others.

You have had 9 months notice after all....

When my brother was born, I stayed with neighbours (I was 3) where I´d never been before.

I remember it being very exciting, the house smelled different, the food was strange and interesting and I quite liked it.

I think that, as you have other offers, you are unreasonable to expect them to step in when it´s clearly very inconvenient to them.

I think you are, in a way, testing whether they are worthy godparents, and I personally hate being tested by friends like that.

As you have other options, I think you are actually creating a problem where there is none.

YABU

Perhaps they would be willing to sit if necessary until other friends/parents could take over.

My sitter was further away than my husband so had a neighbour on hand in case I wanted to leave before the sitter got there.

I think on the whole YABU.

I now read the OP again.

'we don't live anywhere near our family (2 hours away)'.
Tbh thats not very far. Can one of the family come and stay for the weekend. Or come and take over from the neighbours?

I thiink if i was in the godparents shoes i would feel that you put unessecary pressure on me when there other easier options.

YABU - godparents are there to provide religious and moral guidance, not be at your beck and call. Perhaps when you get the next baptised you might like to make clear to the prospective godparents that their duties extend in such a direction. Perhaps housework too?

From what you wrote I did not interpret that as meaning they expected to look after your child all weekend, simply "we are not available this weekend".

Agree with others who have said that of the options you have discounted, actually, an hour - or even a couple of hours away - is ample time for your family or friends to get to you.

If you make the call as soon as you feel labour start, it'll be unlikely that you'll even be ready to leave for the hospital by the time.

Honestly, I really think that it'll be fine. And in the event that you do have a super speedy labour, if you leave your son with the neighbour (which I know is not your first choice) he'll only be there for a couple of hours before granny arrives to collect him. It's not the end of the world.

As far as the Godparents go, I have to say that before an Ofted inspection I hardly got any sleep, worked flat out (both at school and at home) and was an a right old state about it. Such is the pressure of an inspection. It really is pretty much the most stressful and work-intensive (at least for that short burst in which it happens) part of the job.
And as someone else has mentioned, if it doesn't go well, it has far reaching impact on the school and by extension their jobs.

I think saying that they're unavailable to look after your son is just a statement of fact. Do you really think it's reasonable for them to have to put all that on the back burner because of your birth when you do have other options?

You're very close to giving birth and you are understandably stressed and anxious, and I think you're creating issues where there do not need to be. Ring your family - they'll be there in time.

Hope the birth goes smoothly!

Where are the grandparents in all this? Two hours isnt very far away unless they've got health problems/are very doddery. I dont see why they shouldn't come to stay to help you in the run up to the birth and then to step in with childcare so you wouldnt have to think about it? Failing that I would definitely go with the neighbours. Also dont mean to scare you but sometimes second babies come quite fast so you want people who are actually available and close by on hand.

Also I wonder if you are about to go into labour as both times just before my waters broke I got very upset and wound up about things that could be easily sorted out so watch out! Good luck with the birth

I am not very impressed with the God parents...but as others have said, you do have other options.

My neighbour (good friend but with small children of her own) was lined up to help. However, as soon as things started happening, we called Grandparents (about 1.5 hours away) and they were there in plenty of time. Too much time in fact . I remember worrying a bit over the arrangements, but it was fine.

I agree with emsyj, it does hurt, but I would text back and say, no worries, childcare is all sorted - I thought you would be busy. good luck with the inspection.

And second the fact that you might be close to labour as both times I got really cross just beforehand.

Good luck!

2 hours away may not be enough time for them to get there. I just had DS3, by the time I realised I was in labour it was about 20 mins till I knew i had to leave for the hospital right away. It was midnight and I woke up my friend who got out of bed and drove to my house to wait with my sleeping children until the grandparents arrived at 1.30am, by which time DS3 was crowning and was born before 2am. If I had waited for the GP's he would have been born in the car. DS2 was also born less than an hour after I arrived at hospital.

Of course, pooexplosions, but that is unusual, isn't it? It's far more likely that if she calls her family as soon as she recognises labour, they will be with her long before the baby arrives.

And if it is as amazingly quick as your labours, then the OP will have no option but to knock on the neighbour's door and drop off her child before heading to the hospital. In which case her son will only be with the neighbour for an hour or so before his grandparents arrive to pick him up - hardly an emotionally scarring experience for him.

I'm just saying that while clearly the ideal would be the OP's parents living ten minutes away and being on call with a landline, three mobiles and a pager, that is not her situation unfortunately.

However, neither is she living on a remote island only accessible by rowboat and a donkey with just some chickens for company. She has options which mean that her son will be cared for while she labours, and neither of them are terrible.

YANBU, I dont think! I am worried I will have just the same issues when DC2 comes.my parents and family are crap....will probably go on holiday

My friend had a a similar concern and we all had a 48 hour rota just in case, in the end the baby came when the nearest friend was around so there you go.

I think if they are good enough friends to be godparents they should be good enough friends to help out when you need them. Its not about "being at beck and call" its about helping a friend at their time of need. Its so bloody English!

If baby is not her yet, suggest you rope in the Mum and Dad, if needs be you get a taxi then DH joins you when they arrive?

GOOD LUCK

Given that you were never intending them to have your son for the whole weekend and that they may well be in school preparing for Ofsted I think you should text/call back and ask, if you were to go into labour during tonight or tomorrow night would they be able to have your DS just until someone else could come and collect him. Say that you won't call Sunday night as you know they have school and make it clear you'd be happy for them to take your DS into school if that's where they need to be during the day on Saturday/Sunday and that you will arrange for whoever takes over to collecthim from their school.

If it is Ofsted then I'm not at all surprised that they feel they can't be on call all weekend. Teaching isn't a particularly flexible job as you can't work from home or come in late because the children are at school and need to be taught. When we had Ofsted at my last school I had to go in to meet an inspector at 7am. My 3 year old (who went to nursery nearby) had to come too because I normally drop her off at 8am and my husband teaches further afield and starts teaching at 8.15am. Any of us with any responsibilities were there well past 7pm too answering questions, finding examples of things, printing off random data etc. etc. so I think you may be underestimating how all-consuming it can be.

You've been lucky enough to have offers from other people so I'd put your nervous energy into compiling a list of names, addresses phone numbers etc. and plot out who should have your son according to their availability.

When our DD2 was born last year I ended up recruiting anyone and everyone to look after DD1 but as she was older (and was worried about me being in hospital as I very nearly didn't make it out again last time I was in - ruptured ectopic) I ensured that she knew exactly who was on my list. I trusted that everyone who'd offered to help did so sincerely. She had a bag packed with overnight clothes just in case she ended up having to be somewhere other than home overnight and a set of our door keys was put in just in case (along with another copy of key phone numbers of people who'd offered to help). I was in hospital for 5 or 6 days and everyone rallied round; teachers from my school had said they'd bring her home if need be, others had said they'd take her to their homes for as long as necessary, other teacher friends from other schools said they'd stay overnight and teacher friends from my DH's school were much the same (but we'd all had Ofsted that year already!).

Be organised, ask the Godparents if they could be available just in the middle of tonight and tomorrow night and take up the other offers.

Ofsted inspections are a MASSIVE deal and take priority over everything - you have a wedding planned? Tough! You have a funeral to go to? Live with it! Your friends are having a baby? Well they'll have to do it on their own, won't they!

Your friends are probably highly stressed and are dreading the next week. They pre-empted your request for help with an explanation to avoid having to say no. They aren't bad friends - it's just bad timing.

Don't worry - your family live only 2 hours away. That's plenty of time for them to come and pick up ds1.

Forgive your friends and let it go...