to expect a bit more help from DS' godparents?

[EvilHRLady]

Disclaimer - bit of a long rant!

I am pg with DC2 - due on 16 Jan, but now overdue (obviously!)

We don't live anywhere near our families (2 - 4 hours away) and quite a few of our closest friends have moved away from our immediate area so they are 40 mins - 1 hour away too. So one set of DS's godparents, who live 5 mins down the road, are the closest people we know, both location wise, and relationship.

When we saw them around Christmas time, we had a quick conversation about how we needed to get our act together and think about what we were going to do with DS when I went into labour. Cue 10 min monologue about how that week would probably be really busy for them at work, and don't forget about hockey practice on Mon nights...but of course they would help where they could.

We've seen them since, and haven't raised the subject again, as I was a bit put out about this previous conversation, and told DH that we just shouldn't rely on them (although I don't know what we actually are going to do!)

Earlier this week, got a text from friend asking how things were going - I said I was still waiting, no sign of anything yet. The reply I got was:
"we've been told that inspection is happening next week, so we are unavailable for childcare all weekend"

I am feeling quite pissed off about this, since
a) we've never asked for "childcare all weekend" - the only thing we've ever discussed is the time that DH would need to attend the birth of DC2
b) we've specifically NOT asked them for help because of the Christmas conversation & the fact that we need someone to commit to helping us rather than be flaky about other arrangements they might have on, and then we are up shit creek when we do need someone to keep an eye on DS
c) we are talking about a very specific, one-off, never to be repeated special situation...I know that our children are our responsbility, so I don't expect people to drop everything to be on call for us - but to help out (and maybe miss hockey practice for once!)...is that REALLY so unreasonable?
d) they don't seem to realise that we don't have that many options - whilst we have had very kind offers from our next door neighbours & other friends who have moved away, I am anxious about having someone close by to pick DS up from nursery/sit with him in the immediate timeframe that something starts to happen...and we can't just leave DS with anyone, as he (at 2y 9m) needs to feel comfortable with being left by mum & dad.

So there, that's my issue.
DH suggested I put this to the test with the MN jury.

Aside from the AIBU question - what have other people done in this situation? I am thinking that if push comes to shove, DH will have to stay with DS and will miss the birth

I don't think its unusual at all if its not your first, many of my friends and family have had fast labours.
I arranged for my friend to come and then gps but I would have left them with neighbours if I had to.

I'm a bit about this Ofsted inspection cropping up just at this particular moment ever so conveniently so they can legitimately say no to you (after their christmas monologue etc). hah, they probably made it up.

We left our dd with next door neighbours when I went into labour. DD loved it cos she slept on a double bed in their spare room.

Thanks for all suggestions/reassurances.

Grandparents will definitely be called when something starts to happen - but they work too, so not really a possibility for them to just come and stay until something happens. Given the MW told me I'd be likely to be early, I wasn't really expecting to still be sitting here at 40+!! As I said, I didn't have much sense of whether 2 hours is a long time or not, as that wasn't my last labour experience.

I am not suggesting their work is unimportant/inspections don't matter - I am sure it is stressful. (Hockey is nothing to do with school, it's a separate club that gf is part of)
paisleyleaf - I'd have even less luck if it was school holidays, they are never around then!!

Maybe I was just narked at lack of any wishes of good luck...but since I am Hormonal and Emotional at the moment, I won't dwell on that too much...

FWIW, I don't think we have put any pressure on the godparents (and not testing them either!) - other RL friends who know about the situation are a bit .

So I am going to pack DS's bag, make a list of people who have said they will help & put them on standby

I do feel less anxious now, so thank you

(My first ever AIBU was not too awful )

I can't understand why you haven't sorted something other than relying on teachers (who have one of the most inflexible jobs going).

When I had ds3 we asked my mum to be on standby - we had the added complication of a severely disabled child who very few people can take care of. She is a nurse and can't always rush off and drop everything - we knew that if she couldn't get to ds1 and ds2 then dh would have to be with them until she could so we organised a friend to be available to help me in labour so I wouldn't be alone.

I think you are being unreasonable in your expectations of the godparents tbh.

rasputin - I'm with you on that, that's how we thought we had chosen our godparents too.

Note to self for DC2 - choose godparents who have children!

Rasputin I am at your reply, you are BU too. Yes they are the godparents but they should not have to drop everything for the sake of the op they are not on their beck and call, they have their own lives and are busy it is u to expect them to do that tbh. The op should have planned something definite she has had time to do this tbh, as soon as i was pg the secondtime round (had m/c recently)this was the first thing i thought about and needed to plan for. I think that the godparents should have worded themselves in a better and more caring way yes but they are not BU to say that they cant. My IL live in Malta and would ask them if needs be to come and look after dd and they would, so 2 hours is nothing tbh.

No godparents are there to guide the child religiously not anything else, if you were expecting more than that op you could have chosen different godparents tbh.

Mabey if the OP gave them more notice than they could, but they do have their own lives too and work and to expect them to take time off work. Mabey they simply do not want to who knows. My dd has fantastic godparents and would do all they could to help, but i would not expect them to take time off work and hope that i had more forsight e.g 9 months to plan all this

I think it is more unreasonable that the op would expect the godparents to take on the added responsibilty of having her ds when they are probably going through one of the most stressful weeks in their careers

2 hours away is perfectly acceptable if you have the fall back of the neighbours.

We waited for my parents to arrive from 2 hours away but if they had been longer or things had moved faster with the labour, then dh could have stayed at home until they arrived. Not ideal but perfectly possible.

If the Godparents refuse to turn up to your child's first holy communion or confirmation, they would be unreasonable.

But it is not the role of a godparent to offer childcare. If someone works full time it is unreasonable for them to take your child in the middle of the night.

Well how often do you and they go to church. Are they godparents in the true sense of the word or are they just the modern day godparent-lite, thought we should have some so they're it.

I think you take up the offers you've had and don't expect anything from people who have not offered.

Godparents means nothing tbh

They do sound a bit unhelpful tbh, mabey the op did not choose the right people to be godparents if they are not going to be very caring towards the dd. They could have been a bit better towards op and caring imo even if just to say, we are very sorry op this is a bit short notice we have ofstead inspections (or whatever) coming up and so are really busy at the moment and cannot commit oursleves to helping. We will try all we can even if we have yoru dd for a few hours

I think YABU on expecting them to help, but also they ABU in making it plain obvious that they have no interest in helping even before you've asked.

They're godparents, they're supposed to be closer and more willing to help out should you or your child need it, it's their role as godparents (as least thats how I see my role!)

Piglet - yes, it's probably more the tone of the message, not even a token offer of 'call us if you're desperate'.
They have known my due date almost as long as we have, so not sure how much more notice we could have given?!
I do realise that they were notified of their inspection recently, and I am really not expecting them to prioritise us over work, or to take time off work at all - our thinking was they could help out with a nursery pick up (as they have done it before) or at a weekend.

I don't know anyone (friends/neighbours/grandparents) who doesn't work full time, so we're buggered for a night time call out, MillyR !!

Maybe my question should have been 'AIBU to be disappointed that we seem to be getting more offers of help from less close friends/neighbours than from our DS's godparents'.

For the record, it would be ideal if I have to go into hospital during school hours, as DS will be at nursery!

OP, you still haven't explained why you should get this kind of help from the godparents. Did the priest/minister explain the role of a godparent to you when your child was baptised?

This is one of the reasons I chose not to take a role as god parent to a good friend's DC which at the time did cause some issues between us. I love her DC (and have my own too!) but I knew my friend would be very precious about me being on beck and call for my god child and I knew I wouldn't be able to live up to her ideal of what a god parent's role is. At the time I really struggled with it, felt awful as I was letting my lovely friend down. Now am glad that I felt strong enough to decline.
It is awful when you having 2nd DC and stressful about childcare arrangements but I would rather DH stay at home with DC1 but he was pretty rubbish at both the births. Hope you find some help OP and good luck with the birth of your lovely 2nd!

But op they have texted you and explained that they cannot help at the weekend because of the inspection. That's just a fact. But you are saying 'oh I don't want them to take time off work I just want them to help out at a weekend' they have told you they can't because of the inspection.

I really think yabu in not understanding the work pressure on them. Can you imagine the head's response if one if them said 'I can't do this because I have to look after my godchild'??

If they are teachers who have an inspection the following week then they can;t help you. They just can't. As others have said, teaching is completely inflexible, and inspections are short notice and hellish.