to expect a bit more help from DS' godparents?

[EvilHRLady]

Disclaimer - bit of a long rant!

I am pg with DC2 - due on 16 Jan, but now overdue (obviously!)

We don't live anywhere near our families (2 - 4 hours away) and quite a few of our closest friends have moved away from our immediate area so they are 40 mins - 1 hour away too. So one set of DS's godparents, who live 5 mins down the road, are the closest people we know, both location wise, and relationship.

When we saw them around Christmas time, we had a quick conversation about how we needed to get our act together and think about what we were going to do with DS when I went into labour. Cue 10 min monologue about how that week would probably be really busy for them at work, and don't forget about hockey practice on Mon nights...but of course they would help where they could.

We've seen them since, and haven't raised the subject again, as I was a bit put out about this previous conversation, and told DH that we just shouldn't rely on them (although I don't know what we actually are going to do!)

Earlier this week, got a text from friend asking how things were going - I said I was still waiting, no sign of anything yet. The reply I got was:
"we've been told that inspection is happening next week, so we are unavailable for childcare all weekend"

I am feeling quite pissed off about this, since
a) we've never asked for "childcare all weekend" - the only thing we've ever discussed is the time that DH would need to attend the birth of DC2
b) we've specifically NOT asked them for help because of the Christmas conversation & the fact that we need someone to commit to helping us rather than be flaky about other arrangements they might have on, and then we are up shit creek when we do need someone to keep an eye on DS
c) we are talking about a very specific, one-off, never to be repeated special situation...I know that our children are our responsbility, so I don't expect people to drop everything to be on call for us - but to help out (and maybe miss hockey practice for once!)...is that REALLY so unreasonable?
d) they don't seem to realise that we don't have that many options - whilst we have had very kind offers from our next door neighbours & other friends who have moved away, I am anxious about having someone close by to pick DS up from nursery/sit with him in the immediate timeframe that something starts to happen...and we can't just leave DS with anyone, as he (at 2y 9m) needs to feel comfortable with being left by mum & dad.

So there, that's my issue.
DH suggested I put this to the test with the MN jury.

Aside from the AIBU question - what have other people done in this situation? I am thinking that if push comes to shove, DH will have to stay with DS and will miss the birth

But OP, with an Ofsted inspection, they are unlikely to be free at the weekend or in the evenings hence they probably won't be able to help out.

It's not because they don't want to help but because they have their own priorities at the moment.

"We waited for my parents to arrive from 2 hours away but if they had been longer or things had moved faster with the labour, then dh could have stayed at home until they arrived. Not ideal but perfectly possible. "

How would you have gotten to the hospital in that case?

I couldn't be there for my own children just before our inspection. DH had to take over. And I certainly love them. Inspections are all-consuming.

I would answer the same as you any other time, but I just couldn't before an inspection.

My daughter's godmother is a teacher, and I wouldn't dream of expecting her to help me out if she was having an inspection the following week. I've seen how much work and stress is involved, and she would be expected to work all through the weekend with breaks to go to the loo, but not neccesarily to eat. If both halves of the couple work in the same school, it's the sort of situaion where they'd probably be having their own children looked after by someone else.

Pooexplosions - I'd have got a cab if need be or dh could have dropped me off with ds in the car if during the day.

Not ideal but it would not have been the end of the world.

I would not be in a position to look after anyone else during OFSTED and I would not want my dc being looked after by a stressed, half crazed loon of a teacher (which frankly we all are during inspections!)

Give them a break on this one, and be nice to yourself too. It is stressful for you, I hope you formulate a plan of action that you can live with.

rasputin sometimes love means recognising that you are not best placed to meet a child's needs.

EvilHR did you ask them as soon as you found out your were pg not just assume that they would help without you asking? At the end of the day they have a right to refuse on whatever grouds, whether they are the childs grandparent,Aunt,Godparent whatever. Mabey you should have given more thought into who your childs Godparent would be in that case, if you wanted someone to be on hand to help you with your children, and not just to guide them religiously though their life.

Being a Godparent isn't about being local, being available for babysitting or acting as a guardian in the event of the parents' death (that's a different, and legally defined role).

My DDs have a pharmacist, a paleontologist, numerous teachers and a management consultant as their Godparents. Some of them are local, some are not, one is overseas. Some are married, some are not. Some have children whilst others don't. The thing they all have in common is that they are practising Christians and agreed to support us as we try to bring up our daughters as Christians within the family of the Church.

I have a Goddaughter who lives 2.5 hours from us and I do all I can to be a part of her life but it's more about phonecalls, postcards, visits and prayer than about practical support most of the time (I'm a teacher) but then I wasn't asked to be her Godmother because of where I lived but what I believe in.

Good post SE13mummy. As a solicitor I do cringe at people assuming that godparents will automatically have guardianship of the children despite this not being specified in any will. That is not how it works. Think there is alot of confusion about what the role is it means different things to different people. As we are not christian we side stepped the whole thing by not having godparents at all. People have such different expectations of what it entails its bound to lead to some upset as this situation shows.

That was a big consideration when declining to be the god parent of my friend's dc. I did not have the same religious views as she has and knew I couldn't guide her dc as she would like. I do think too many people take on the role of GP without giving it enough consideration. I too side stepped the whole thing and my DS' don't have god parents.

At the end of the day EvilHRlady I do think that they could have been a bit more helpful and polite and made a little more effort even if it meant having your dc for a few hours whilst either your mum, dad grandparents arive from further away to take over, not necessarily the entire time. It sounds as though to me that they dont want to help which is Are they good friends of yours, why did you pick them as Godparents, I know that GPs are just involved in religious guidence they could have been more helpful. Think carefully who you pick next time for your other dc Godparents you want people that are going to be caring about your dc and be caring and concerned for them, not just on the day and thats it.

Our dd Godparents are fantastic they are not only godparents but like a second mum and dad to dd, they cannot do enough to help and are so caring, i dont even ask they just offer. We are religious and do go to Mass regularly as do they, thats how we met.Before m/c we were discussing this with them who would look after dd and Godmother said that she would look after her after work if I could leave her with a neighbour or somebody we trust for a temp time.

But piglet they have explained they can't because they have to be at work. Surely it's fair to let someone know? My mother we exceptionally generous with her time, loves her grandchildren, knows that shevus one of the few people that can cope with disabled ds1 - she does as much as she can to helpbys, puts herself out and rearranges things frequently. But sometimes she has to be at work and sometimes she has other committments she can't rearrange. Doesn't make her a bad person. It sounds as if the inspection preparation is somethingvthat can't be rearranged (and given ofsted's obsession with paperwork of course teachers need to be in making sure it is in order at the weekend - when else could they do it?)

Sorry haven't read the whole thread, (might have lost the will to live!) but why on earth aren't you taking up the kindly offers from neighbours?

You've been pregnant quite a while ! Why haven't you popped round for coffee so they are familiar faces to your ds?

You're being very controlling about this. Loads of us have family living hundreds of miles away and have had to make arrangements for when this happens - just get on with it and quit moaning!

I am a teacher, and can categorically say that I COULD NOT be available the weekend before an ofsted inspection, not even in the direst of emergencies. They are just about the most stressful aspect of a teacher's job, and they require a lot of work. You only get 3 days notice, and have to type lesson plans etc, so it's not a case of 'you could have already been prepared'.

I also think YABVVVU not to have this sorted by the time you are overdue! I'm 26 weeks pg with DC3 at the moment, and am already ion the process of drawing up an action plan...and I'm the least organised person I know!

rasputin you're not a teacher, are you? Or if you are, I can guess you're not very popular in the staffroom.

I'm not a teacher either, but I know some and your remarks are way off the mark. Even the very best teachers in the very best school will feel like the OP's friends the weekend before an inspection.

This thread has far more responses than I was expecting - and there are a couple of areas that seem to be the most controversial.

FWIW, I am not a teacher, so my only understanding of what the inspection means comes from what the god-ps have said about it. Which is that it is a major PITA, loads of time to prepare things for OFSTED to look at, but just a bit of a box ticking exercise for them. So, until now, I've really had no reason to view it as the most stressful thing they are going to encounter in their careers, or that they are worried about their jobs, or any of the other suggestions here - because that is not the impression they have given! In fact, god-f expected they would get inspected sooner rather than later because ''OFSTED will want to test out their new inspection regime on a high performing school like ours before rolling it out everywhere else''. But that's not the point, is it? I absolutely accept it is a time consuming activity - and they don't have any choice about it. But I wonder what difference it would make if we had to ask them in the middle of the night to come and sleep out our house until GPs arrived, so DS would not be left on his own - that surely wouldn't interfere with their work? But we didn't even get that offer.

Obviously some people think even that is U, but my view was that god-ps would be more accommodating than most other friends & would understand the special circumstances ie I am not asking them to babysit whilst I go and have my nails done!

Highlighting that they are DS's god-ps was my shorthand for indicating that they are more meaningful to our family than 'just' being friends / neighbours / colleagues etc etc. I could just as easily have said that I was disappointed with one of my oldest & closest friends, who I have known half my life, and who we trust & DS knows well (better than my own siblings). But I've learnt here that calling someone a god-p doesn't mean the same thing to all people.

And yes, I probably have been very naive in not making concrete plans before now. What can I say to that?

However, I don't believe we are being controlling or precious to want to leave DS with someone we feel comfortable with. My boss' 20-something PA, who sat next to me at work for 6 mths, offered to collect DS from the nursery. I am sure she was very genuine - but he doesn't know her from Adam! Am I supposed to consider that as a viable option & quit moaning?! As many have said, the neighbours have been very kind, and they will probably be our first port of call. But that doesn't change the fact that we don't have the same relationship with them that we do with the god-ps.

Thank you to everyone who replied, my big takaway from this is that being a god-p doesn't carry universally agreed meaning for everyone. And I will be thinking long and hard about the next set.

Committing cardinal sin by only reading the OP

a. they are telling they can't sit if you go into laour over the weekend which is kind and not meaning that they thought you would need a long period of childcare just helping you to plan who can be on call over that period should it happen at any point.

b. They don't have to do it, it is not their responsibility, they are clearly busy but are offering help anyway and letting you know when they are not available out of kindness and so you can plan.

c. They ARE helping out. You can't complain about them not helping out in one breath and then them offering to do what they can but it not being exactly what you want. They are GODparents this means their responsibility is to guide the child in the teachings of the church not be responsible for their care in any way. I am guessing you are not particularly religious/church going if you don't realise this.

d. It is sad that you don't have many options but it is not anyone's responsibility other than yours to arrange the childcare and birth.

I feel for you being so upset when you are now overdue but you really should have sorted something out properly by now. If no other carers that have offered are up to your expected standards then DH will just have to miss the birth

Yes exactly Saintly yes people do have lives, they work and they have other things that they do and should not be expected to drop everything, however they could explain themselves in a better way mabey, they came across as a bit uncaring imo. For all you know they may not want to look after the ops dc, sounds as though they are looking for excuses not too and they should not have to if they do not feel comfortable with it. If the Op wanted godparents to also be involved with occasional care they should have picked different godparents mabey within the family or really close good friends that they know that they could ask if they ever needed their dcs to be looked after in an emergency. This does not seem the case.

Though my dds godparents work and her godmother goes to other activities like Aaerobics, she is the type of person who would miss aerobics to look after dd in that situation, she is like a second mum to her though and we are extremely close like sisters, we are more than just friends thats why her and her dh are dds godparents.

I really am with the ops godparents on this one, they sound really busy inspection coming up, quite stressed that mabey they did not tell the Op everything, some people dont they keep things to themselves. I think that the OP is being UR, she should have sorted this all out way before the birth tbh.

First of all good luck with your birth OP. What a huge time it must be for you. You are obviously just wanting to be assured that your DS is sorted before you embark on this very major event in your life.

I'm amazed that people think you are being unreasonable to assume that those who you were depending on to help you have texted to say they cannot, in a way that lacks any sort of recognition of the enormity of what you yourself are going through.

It's hardly asking them to be at your beck and call, although I do appreciate it that their circumstances are uncompromising and they can no longer be on call for you. You might have had 9 months to plan it but as you say you are now overdue and a bit nervous of what to expect.

I would take the offer up from your neighbours, but I do feel for you that those who you entrusted you to be your child's GP aren't there for you when you need them.

Once again, I hope everything goes well, please give an update.

Tina the godparents never agreed to be the main helpers, they have said they would help where they could but that was likely to be a difficult week for them. If they had said they would take on the responsibility and then shrugged it off at the last minute I would feel sorrier for the OP but it sounds as if the OP and the DH haven't actually sorted anybody they feel is suitable out to 'be on call' officially and knew the godparents weren't going to be first in the queue when they asked and they responded that they couldn't at xmas time. TBH only asking at xmas for a jan 16th due date might (possibly and at a stretch) be OK with family but friends? I think it's a lot to ask that someone can make themselves available to drop everything at the last minute, if necessary, for a number of weeks and it would take some arranging and backing up of their own I would imagine. To be fair surely they have known that they were pregnant and the due date for a number of months now.