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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask very politely that either BOTH DDs are invited to a party or neither?

115 replies

bratnav · 21/01/2010 21:24

It is causing much upset and distress in our house. DD2 and DSD are in the same class at school and so far both have been invited to a party without the other and they have been very upset about it.

I appreciate that people only have limited space/resources and I am happy for neither to go if that makes it easier for the parents organising it. I would never worry if they were in separate classes, but they play with lots of the same friends and I have had them both in floods of tears.

Would you think I was mad for asking if you were the parent whose DCs party it is?

OP posts:

SixtyFootDoll · 21/01/2010 21:27

Do they both live with you?
Maybe people dont realise they are from same family?
It's tough but it really is up to the birthday child to invite who they like.
Do something special with the one who isnt invited.

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 21/01/2010 21:27

It would be extremely rude to ask IMO. If one girl is invited and not the other you can always decline. TBH you probably run the risk of neither of them being invited anywhere.

heQet · 21/01/2010 21:28

tbh, I don't think it's something you can do. You put the parent in a very awkward position. Can you honestly imagine saying that to someone and having the reply "ok then, I'll uninvite X." No, it would possibly even come across like 'blackmail' - not reallyblackmail but you know what I mean!

I think far better for you to work on getting both girls to accept that sometimes it's your turn and sometimes it's not.

Exceptions would be if someone was having a party and everyone else in the whole class was invited except one of your girls, then I'd probably refuse the invite for the other.

Whippet · 21/01/2010 21:30

How old?

If under 7 then I can understand. If older then it's a bit tough, but I think they need to being to 'exist separately' IYSWIM.

We have this with twins in DSs class. DS gets on well with one, but not the other, but the mother always asks if I can 'have both' if I invite one over. To be honest I've stopped inviting them at all, as I don't want both (it causes problems, as then my other DS feels left out).

I would never ask someone to invite DS2 if DS1 was invited (they are two school years apart, but I don't see how it is REALLY that different).

I would say it would only be OK to ask for the other to be invited if e.g. DSD was 'new' and still making friends etc or some other 'extenuating circumstances'?

onepieceoflollipop · 21/01/2010 21:31

Sorry, but I think you ABU.

What age are the children? Even if they are in reception, then you as the parent should be able to explain that sometimes only a few children are invited to a party.

I understand that they are the same age/same class, but it's similar for those of use with siblings a few years apart.

My dd2 would love to attend some of the parties that my dd1 is invited to. (in fact, many parents in my position would take the little one along too regardless). Instead, we create a diversion/outing for the little one, and let the older one develop her own social life.

Original poster

bratnav · 21/01/2010 21:31

SixtyFootDoll - DSD is with us for a week then her Mum for a week. They both have the same surname.

OP posts:

NotAnOtter · 21/01/2010 21:32

yabu and over precious

NotAPollyanna · 21/01/2010 21:32

I can see where you are coming from OP. If there were twin girls in my dds class I would always invite them both so perhaps parents do not realise the family set up. But it could come across not so great to ask. Maybe just bring up in general conversation with other mums about the girls living together and how you have to be really careful with issues of jealousy etc and hope that in the future there are less of these occasions. But as the others have said if you could get the girls to accept this will happen from time to time that would make all your lives easier.

Original poster

bratnav · 21/01/2010 21:33

Whippet - they are in Yr1, both just 6

OP posts:

memoo · 21/01/2010 21:33

How old are they bratnav?

crankytwanky · 21/01/2010 21:33

YABU.
The birthday girls have made their choice of guest. It's up to them.

Your girls can't be protected from upset forever. You'll come across as really precious & demanding if you approach the parents.

Take the opportunity to have some 1-0n-1 time with the left-out daughter.

memoo · 21/01/2010 21:34

sorry x-post

Coldhands · 21/01/2010 21:35

Hmmm, I don't think you can do this either, it puts the parent in a very awkward position. Particularly if other parents hear and wonder why their DC han't been invited too (although I do accept that it is slightly different in your situation). If someone asked me this I wouldn't be too happy. I think it is a bit rude to ask for an invite. Isn't up to the child who they want at their party?

Unfortunately children need to accept that they can't always be invited to everything just because someone else is. Same goes for class parties. My DS isn't old enough for this yet but I'm already thinking that it is something that I will not be doing, no motter how many parents etc will get offended. Imagine if 30 children all have class parties in a year! The presents would cost a fortune.

Lilyloo · 21/01/2010 21:35

My sil had this issue with her twin dd's , they soon accepted it and now don't bat an eyelid , they will likely have different friends eventually

Original poster

bratnav · 21/01/2010 21:35

Whippet - also, I forgot to say that DD2 only started at this school this September, DD1 (yr3) and DSD started last September, they did not have a space for DD2 then.

OP posts:

fortyplus · 21/01/2010 21:36

YABU Children should be free to invite friends without having to worry about siblings. The fact that they're the same age makes no difference imo

ReneRusso · 21/01/2010 21:37

YABU - although I can see that it must be really hard. They will get used to it soon and the idea that they have different friends and preferences will become something positive. I agree with the idea to do something special with the uninvited one. Even if its just a bit of one on one time with you, or her choice of pizza for dinner or something.

ImSoNotTelling · 21/01/2010 21:37

I don;t think you can approach the parents TBH.

I can understand why there are tears though

cranky's idea of a treat with the one who isn't invited is an excellent one.

StrictlyKatty · 21/01/2010 21:37

I'm confused. Is DD1 your daughter and DSD your DH's as I can't understand how they can be the same class otherwise.

If they are step sisters it's easy to understand why parents would assume that they don't need to do everything together. It would be different if they were twins I think but Step sisters do not normally get invited to everything together in my experience

Original poster

bratnav · 21/01/2010 21:39

Strictly - DD1 and DD2 are mine, not DHs, DSD is obviously DHs and not mine. We now also have DS who is both of ours

OP posts:

pagwatch · 21/01/2010 21:39

Very good idea to have a special treat withthe oe who isn't invited.
You can't ask and they have to get used to it unfortunately.

upahill · 21/01/2010 21:41

Strictly..... When I was at high school there was a brother and sister in the year that were born 10 1/2months apart!

gremlindolphin · 21/01/2010 21:43

YABU!

It is hard my dds who are 5 and 8 know all each others friends and especially dd2 gets upset because she's not invited.

I try and make it a nice time with the one not at a party, sometimes that just means making cakes together or cuddling on the sofa but without the other one!

StrictlyKatty · 21/01/2010 21:43

Right I see. But you all have the same surname? >

I think maybe the other parents don't understand your situation. They may just think they are step sisters where one lives with you and the other lives with her Mother. They probably wouldn't consider that they really spend enough time together for it to be a big issue. If you explain that DSD lives with you 50% of the time and the girls are close they might start inviting both.

However you might have to tell the girls early on that not everyone will want to invite both of them but it doesn't mean one is more popular... just that they have different friends.

pagwatch · 21/01/2010 21:44

The eight of us were born in 10 years. Three of us were born in early November.

Can you imagine how the kids in our street felt when they had a party...
"oh mum... I don't want Pag - I'd have to invite pag sister, pag brother and pag baby brother at least !"

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