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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask very politely that either BOTH DDs are invited to a party or neither?

115 replies

bratnav · 21/01/2010 21:24

It is causing much upset and distress in our house. DD2 and DSD are in the same class at school and so far both have been invited to a party without the other and they have been very upset about it.

I appreciate that people only have limited space/resources and I am happy for neither to go if that makes it easier for the parents organising it. I would never worry if they were in separate classes, but they play with lots of the same friends and I have had them both in floods of tears.

Would you think I was mad for asking if you were the parent whose DCs party it is?

OP posts:
BettySuarez · 21/01/2010 23:07

My sister in law has this problem with her twin daughters as they will often be invited to a party without the other. In the end they realised that they were encouraging the girls to cultivate their own identities and friendships and this was just a natural consequence of that.

YABU but I do understand why it must be difficult for you. Perhaps parents dont realise that they are step siblings?

Perhaps a nice treat for the child not invited.

nappyaddict · 21/01/2010 23:48

thesecondcoming and whippet that's different though cos it's inviting them to your house where there is perhaps limited space and there will be a small number of children so it's important they get on well. At a big party where there would be lots of guests would you still only invite one of the twins?

thesecondcoming · 22/01/2010 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedaNewName · 22/01/2010 00:15

I think you now know yabu. Just because the are the same age and in the same family doesn;t mean they will like the same things. They are 2 separate people, so they shouldn;t be treated as one person. I take it that they don;t have a joint party of their own?

How would you feel if the situation were reversed and you were asked to take 2 children at a party insead of one?

You would be much better to get the children to understand and accept that sometimes you get invited to parties, sometimes you don;t. Take th eopportunity to do something nice with the child who hasn;t been invited.

duchesse · 22/01/2010 00:22

Are they both good friends of the party child? Chances are, not. People only have so much to spend on a party. Most children are only allowed to invite their very best mates. I understand that your situation adds a twist to the plot, but really the fact that the girls are stepsisters is none of the party child's concern. YABU.

nappyaddict · 22/01/2010 00:30

But at a party where numbers don't have to be limited because of space/cost issues?

mathanxiety · 22/01/2010 01:54

I think YANBU. I haven't been in this situation from the guest end, but I've always invited twins from 2 DDs' classes to every party, close friends or no, up to about age 10. One in all in, is my party motto.

upandrunning · 22/01/2010 04:12

Golly yabu. I think it's a bit of a life lesson (in a lecturing sort of way sorry). I do think yabu and I think the party parent would be eye-rolling like mad.

thesecondcoming · 22/01/2010 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolliw · 22/01/2010 09:18

YANBU
If it was my children's party, then I would want to know if I'd committed a simple faux pas which resulted in tears.

Phone the other Mum at home, rather than talking at the school gate. Be gracious and apologetic, but do ask. Offer to pay?

My 9th birthday party clashed with the 8th of another child in my class. When we found out, my mum moved my party to the next weekend. She would have been mortified if she hadn't been told and children were having to chose between one and the other.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 22/01/2010 09:38

Is it possible to have their classes reallocated. I can't help thinking seperate classes may be a good idea. I know at my dd's school, twins (and one set of triplets) are split up.

StrictlyKatty · 22/01/2010 09:43

Personally I think finding out that you Mum had to beg for you to go to a party you weren't invited to will feel much worse than not being invited at all. They have to learn.

If asked to take both, most people will, but in the future will probably not have either. Better to let these things sort themselves out. There is no point going to a party you've not been invited to so better to teach the girls good grace and that it's not the end of the world

TheProvincialLady · 22/01/2010 09:43

YABU. However you and your DDs might feel about it, you are not the HOSTS so you do not get to choose the guests. Either accept or decline the invitation but don't embarrass yourself and the host by asking for another invite.

verytellytubby · 22/01/2010 09:51

One of my twins has been invited to parties and the other hasn't. It's life and they've got over it (they are 4 in reception).

The parents probably haven't realised your family set-up. You could have a quiet word if you know the mum.

As I have 3 DC at school, mine are used to being invited to parties without siblings. We usually go swimming or do something nice with the 1 or 2 left out.

verytellytubby · 22/01/2010 09:53

ps. My twins are in seperate classes which may work better for you. The nursery suggested cousins were seperated even though they didn't live together.

LouMacca · 22/01/2010 10:40

YABU. Your twins are individuals first and foremost.

My twins are Boy/Girl (turned 7 last week) so it is different. However DS has been invited to 2 girls parties recently where DD has not had a invite and they are also in the same class. That's life.

I would never dream of saying invite both or invite neither. If one doesn't get an invite to a party then we do something with them instead, bowling, cinema, etc.

LouMacca · 22/01/2010 10:42

Really sorry not read post properly and seen they are not twins but DD and DSD.

I still wouldn't ask that they were both invited though.

DrNortherner · 22/01/2010 10:46

I think youi are being VERY unreasonable!

The girls need to be taught a valuable life lesson, sometimes you get invited, sometimes you don't. Don't pander to the uninvited one by demanding they get invited.

jellybeans · 22/01/2010 10:46

I had this with my twins. One cried all the way home once as his brother was invited for tea and not him. Several parents also asked if one twin could go to the zoo or other trip (twins were 4/5 yrs) and it was really awkward. Alot of people don't get it unless they have twins.

legspinner · 22/01/2010 10:46

Agree with macca and tellytubby as I also have twins and they have learned that they will be invited as individuals, not a unit. We do something special with the one who is not invited.

jellybeans · 22/01/2010 10:48

'Even if I had twins I would be really pleased if they were treated as individuals and not always together as a 'job lot'.'

That's exactly what I thought/would have said before I had mine!!

Bucharest · 22/01/2010 10:50

YANBU, but unfortunately, neither are the parents who don't invited both children.

It's a bit of a no-win situation.

jellybeans · 22/01/2010 10:51

Not that mine are treated as a unit. They have been lots of places on their own now they are abit older, but at 4 and 5, they would be devastated every time if one was invited somewhere. I think being in the same class probably has alot to do with that as they have mostly the same group of friends.

FimbleHobbs · 22/01/2010 10:53

I'm on the fence.

I do understand the tears, but in your shoes I wouldn't ask for the other DD to come too. You could always phone up to accept and mention something like 'is it ok for parents not to stay at the party, only I have DSD staying that weekend and Dh is busy at work'. Not asking but it does reinforce that they are sisters if the mum wasn't aware.

However if I was the birthday child's mum, I wouldn't mind if you asked. But I tend to have cheap to run, the more the merrier type of parties so its easy to have extra children.

I think the suggestion for both girls to have a Pancake Day party or whatever is brilliant.

crankytwanky · 22/01/2010 11:02

otter, I love the term "Blended Family"!
I've never heard it before!