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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask very politely that either BOTH DDs are invited to a party or neither?

115 replies

bratnav · 21/01/2010 21:24

It is causing much upset and distress in our house. DD2 and DSD are in the same class at school and so far both have been invited to a party without the other and they have been very upset about it.

I appreciate that people only have limited space/resources and I am happy for neither to go if that makes it easier for the parents organising it. I would never worry if they were in separate classes, but they play with lots of the same friends and I have had them both in floods of tears.

Would you think I was mad for asking if you were the parent whose DCs party it is?

OP posts:
StrictlyKatty · 21/01/2010 21:45

Upahill Oh good God that would kill me! I guess it can happen... I was more thinking the DH had got 2 women pregnant at the same time then you could understand why parents would think it would be awkward to have both girls!

Original poster
bratnav · 21/01/2010 21:49

OK, I shall just keep one or the other occupied with something nice. I genuinely wasn't sure if IWBU to think about asking or not

Strictly, after DH and I were married my DDs asked if they could change their surname so they would be the same as me, DH and DSD. Their DF didn't mind when I asked him so we changed them over. Quite a lot of the parents see me bringing all 3 girls into school every other week, but it doesn't really matter I suppose.

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 21/01/2010 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrictlyKatty · 21/01/2010 21:52

Oh I see. I have had that conversation with DH and he said even if I had 5 more children with my new husband if we ever split up he would never let me change my DS' s surname! Your ex must be a very reasonable man

Well I guess if everyone knows your situation then you'll have to explain to them they just have different friends. It'll be hard but in the long run it would have happened anyway. I do feel sorry for them though, not being invited to a party hurts at that age

LouBossGaGa · 21/01/2010 21:57

YABU

My DD 4yrs and DS 6yrs get very upset re party invites. We do the the treat and time alone with OC, as crankytwanky suggested.

They're getting used to it, slowly......but let's face it, it's a lesson they'll both have to learn sooner or later!

paisleyleaf · 21/01/2010 22:00

I guess it's good that both of them have been invited to parties. It should help with their understanding that they can have their own friends.
It'd be more difficult if one never got invites.

NotAPollyanna · 21/01/2010 22:01

You know I don't think you are being reasonable or unreasonable. This is possibly a more delicate situation given one started earlier than the other and one is a dsd etc. But perhaps I am reading to much into it. Still they are only 6 and I just want to say I don't think you are asking a daft question. AIBU is a thread of extreme opinions and this question may have been better suited to another section. TBH if a mum asked me that about year one children it wouldn't bother me at all and I would try to have both girls but it seems many would be pissed off so I would take the option of doing something special with other dd as I think that is a great idea.

MmeBlueberry · 21/01/2010 22:02

YABU.

It's not your right to determine who gets invited to parties. It is totally up to the host.

If you get a single invite, feel free to decline.

Parties are generally a political minefield. It is usually a blessing not to get an invite.

cat64 · 21/01/2010 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OttersOnIce · 21/01/2010 22:06

I agree with other posters that it must be about dc learning that you can't always be invited to every party, and learning to handle this is part of growing up etc

But I do wonder whether the jealousy that this issue causes for your dd and dsd is maybe enhanced because of other worries/jealousies to do with being a blended family?

DD and DSD being in the same class must also maybe make it a bit more intense for them. Not only are they now in a family together, but they are at school together all the time.

So I don't think you can ask other paretns to change what they do re inviting your girls to a party, and they do have to learn that they don't always get invited to parties.

But maybe you have to be aware that this issue is bringing up feelings about jealousy of each other/being left out for your dsd and dd that is not just about being invited to a party.

Acanthus · 21/01/2010 22:06

I don't think it's a daft question either and I'm usually pretty harsh robust. Especially when they're only 6. No one would do it to twins, I think, which is the more common way for two siblings to be in the same class. But I guess everyone is right - do something lovely with the left-out one and make them share the party bag.

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 21/01/2010 22:09

YABU, sadly. Unfortunately it's something kids have to learn IMO - like not getting a little present just because it's your siblings birthday.

FanjolinaJolie · 21/01/2010 22:10

YABU

mathanxiety · 21/01/2010 22:13

If it's your SD who didn't get invited, maybe it's because the invitation went to her mum's house instead of yours? Did I read it right that she stays with you for a week and then back to her mums for a week?

Jux · 21/01/2010 22:14

The sooner they learn they are individuals and will experience life differently, and moreover, life is often - at least seemingly - unfair, the better.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 21/01/2010 22:14

Oh gosh, I am completely going to go the other way, and I am usually on the side of the 'people should invite who they want to invite to their parties' crowd. And I read the title and it made me think of mothers I know who always try and drag their other DCs along to any party to which I invite one of their DCs and who therefore really set my teeth on edge. So I was all ready to pile in...

But...in your set up I can see where you are coming from. Two quite little girls, similar friends, and one is your own and one a DSD, and presumably they are working at bonding in an extended family, and I think you are being really sweet to want to see them both treated equally and to want neither of them to be hurt. You sound like a really nice SM. I guess at that age my kids' friends were all still doing 'all class' parties so it would have been fine.

I know if I were a mother in your DDs' class I would certainly be as tactful as possible and try to invite both girls. So in that respect I don't think YABU to wish that would happen. And maybe with some of the mothers you might be able to have a quiet word and say quite understand if you can't/don't want to invite both, but if it makes no difference to you could you possibly invite both. But what I think you shouldn't do is ask them not to invite either if they only want to invite one - that would mean you were preventing them inviting who they wanted and that wouldn't be fair. Everyone's suggestions for a special treat when only one is invited are exactly right.

And if you can, perhaps your two girls could throw a joint party/tea party for some random excuse such as pancake day or valentines day (it wouldnt need to cost very much) and that would help everyone clock onto the fact they do live together half of the time and just raising that awareness might help encourage people to be tactful and consider inviting both where appropriate.

Best of luck!

thesecondcoming · 21/01/2010 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overmydeadbody · 21/01/2010 22:22

YABU you can't ask that!

Your DD and your DSD just have to get used to it and cope with their emotions better.

MrsMattie · 21/01/2010 22:27

YABU, sorry.

I am having a party for my DS soon. We are inviting 10 children. If we invited all their siblings we'd have about 25 kids in our front room. Sorry, no can do.

My sister is a year younger than me - we were like twins in many ways - but we weren't always invited to the same parties. We dealt with it.

LetThereBeRock · 21/01/2010 22:27

YABU.

CarmenSanDiego · 21/01/2010 22:30

Very good post, WIOAIG. Completely agree.

sandyballs · 21/01/2010 22:33

YABU. I have twin girls and they are not invited to the same parties/play dates. This is good IMO, i want them to do separate things, as you should too. They soon get used to it.

neume · 21/01/2010 22:36

I am going to go against the grain and say YANBU. It depends on the type of party..lots of parties have only a tiny cost per child (ie food) after the venue is paid for, so if you think there is not a per child cost you could easily ask as long as it is clear there is no pressure IYSWIM.

DS2 is 1 year younger than DS1 and we have often asked for him to be included (DS1 in reception and so far all children in the class have been invited - usually soft play or similar and the more the merrier). We also had an open invite to sibs for the DC's parties - we just asked parents to let us know for catering etc.

Of course at some point DD and DSD need to learn they can't both go to all parties, but at this age what's the harm in asking if they can to avoid some hurt? The hosts can always say no if asked in a tactful way and no-one needs to feel pressured or embarrased.

nancy75 · 21/01/2010 22:41

i dont really think its a yabu/yanbu situation. i hate the whole attitude of lifes tough get over it when it applies to small children, i think some posters might have forgotten what a big deal a party invite is to a six year old. i agree with others that people might not realise the situation with your dd and dsd. however, i have no idea how you would broach the subject with other parents.

piscesmoon · 21/01/2010 22:58

YABU.
Even if I had twins I would be really pleased if they were treated as individuals and not always together as a 'job lot'. In fact if they were twins I would positively encourage different friends.
I left it entirely to my DCs to choose who to invite so I wouldn't want alterations from parents when I had already reached my limit. Are they supposed to uninvite someone to make room-or are you just assuming one more doesn't matter?