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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask very politely that either BOTH DDs are invited to a party or neither?

115 replies

bratnav · 21/01/2010 21:24

It is causing much upset and distress in our house. DD2 and DSD are in the same class at school and so far both have been invited to a party without the other and they have been very upset about it.

I appreciate that people only have limited space/resources and I am happy for neither to go if that makes it easier for the parents organising it. I would never worry if they were in separate classes, but they play with lots of the same friends and I have had them both in floods of tears.

Would you think I was mad for asking if you were the parent whose DCs party it is?

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 22/01/2010 17:11

With twins who are a boy and a girl, leaving one out of an invitation would be easier to explain.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be upset or for the girls to be upset. You care about them, and they are sisters and play with the same group. I don't think you can ask for an invitation though, sadly.

Maybe this is one of the reasons a lot of parents have parties where everyone is invited until children get to an age where they're less sensitive about these issues.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/01/2010 17:37

yabu

just because they are in the same class+have some of the same friends doesnt mean they have to go to the same partys

i would say the same for twins - nice to have own friends as well as joint ones

thesecondcoming · 22/01/2010 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bratnav · 22/01/2010 18:36

Bloody hell tsc, I have agreed that IABU twice, you, IMHO are now getting really aggressive and nasty.

Please stop before I assume it is a personal attack and report you.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 22/01/2010 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardyMow · 23/01/2010 17:18

I have been in EXACTLY this situation, when my DS1 was 4.10yo (he's now 7yo and I'm separated from DSD's dad) and my (ex) DSD was 5.4yo. They were in the same reception class, and even though DSD lived with me and my ex-P permanently, she wasn't very popular, and my DS1 was invited to EVERY party, and DSD wasn't invited to ONE. It got to the point where I HAD to say something to the other parents as I couldn't watch her being sidelined any more. Once I'd brought it out into the open, the parents were that it hadn't occurred to them that a friend of DS1's who came to my house for a playdate would also be playing with DSD and that DSD would class them as her friend as well....After I brought it up (originally with DS1's best friend's mum), it never happened again, and the other parents realised that DSD wasn't 'aloof' as had been said before, just shy and feeling left out!! OP-YADNBU, there's only so many times you can 'do something special' with the un-invited one before it becomes a serious issue that spills over into other areas i.e. rivalry at home.

muminthemiddle · 23/01/2010 18:56

YABU

It is harsh but no different to other brother/sisters who don't automatically get invited to everything together.

Much better to let them get used to this as it will happen in later life.

cory · 23/01/2010 23:39

To me, it would depend on what party it was. If it was the kind that invited the whole class, then excluding one child would clearly be wrong. But my dcs have only ever had small parties with a cap on how many invitees they're allowed. And that means that they choose who they are going to invite.

Mumup · 24/01/2010 00:14

Christ you people are harsh. Yes, not getting invited to a party is a life lesson, but not one you need to learn at 6. OP, if I knew your situation, I'd invite both girls, unless one was some sort of bully who'd been beating up my kid! It's only one more (quite small) child, for heaven's sake, there's always enough cake for one more.

I think Loudlass may be spot on- approaching ONE parent you know may be friendly and understanding, then hoping that sets off a chain reaction of kindness?

But clearly the vast majority of parents think you should just tell one child to lump it, that's life, here's a tissue. So you might well choose to break out the Kleenex and keep quiet. Toughens 'em up and all that...

2rebecca · 24/01/2010 09:39

The mums might not know they are sisters. If one of my kids is having a party I ask them who they want to invite and they usually just have a few people round. I don't know the whole class so would have no idea if any siblings/ stepsiblings in the class.
I think them having different friends is good though. I don't think you should try forcing parents to invite your child to a party if the birthday child isn't great friends with them and has other people they'd rather invite just because they are stepsiblings.
If you feel that strongly decline the invite. I think doing emotional blackmail on the parents once invite sent is unreasonable. So many parents get precious over kids not being invited to parties I'm amazed any parents bother holding them.
Having them in the same class sounds like a mistake.

Original poster

bratnav · 24/01/2010 14:02

I agree that having the 2 girls in the same class is not a great situation, but way better than leaving dd2 in the school she was in for reception which was 4 miles away.

OP posts:

herladyshiplovesedward · 24/01/2010 14:07

bit of an aside but..

i have a friend with twins who views it as a compliment when one is invited somewhere and not the other. she has spent their entire lives trying to make sure they (and the rest of the world) see themselves as 2 individuals not 2 halves of one whole, and she considers separate invitiations to be a marker of her sucess

for dd, we arrange a birthday treat (eg. sleepover, concert, cinema) and i say you can invite x number of friends, she then decides who these are going to be. i would be unimpressed if a parent replied their child could only come if i invited their sibling as well tbh..

herladyshiplovesedward · 24/01/2010 14:08

didn't read thread before posting..

last page looks like a bun fight! will read thread now

twolittlemonkeys · 24/01/2010 14:12

My sister and stepsister were in the same class at primary school and just got on with having their own groups of friends. There was sometimes overlap but mostly they played with different children. If one went to a party the other did something with the rest of the family. If they weren't in the same year group you wouldn't insist that siblings went to the party would you? It's hard, especially if one is more popular than the other, but having treats for the one who isn't invited will cushion the blow...

pointydug · 24/01/2010 14:18

I think this is a tricky one for everyone concerned.

Your dds are individuals and many of the other parents probably see them as individuals and so might think it's a bit offhand to just assume that both should be asked.

You cannot ask parents to invite both, though.

dd2 has twins in her class and either both or neither have been invited to parties in the past.

You'll just need to talk your dds through it, I think.

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