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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am totally up for being told IABU, just want honest opinion

130 replies

memoo · 19/01/2010 19:03

I had DC 3 just 4 months ago and am a SAHM. DC1 and DC2 are both at school during the day.

I find the hours between picking the kids up from school and DH getting home really stressful.

DH is always late home from work. If it was because he had a lot on then I would understand but the reason he finishes late is because he never gets there on time in the morning as he won't get out of bed on time!

I have asked him so many times to please get to work on time so he can be home on time and help me, but my pleas seem to be falling on death ears.

Am i really being unreasonable to expect him to make an effort to get home on time to help me?

Bit of back ground so I don't get accused of aibu by stealth. I am struggling with PND at the moment and so am finding things a bit mpre difficult than I would do usually.

I also understand that DH is knackered because he does the late night feed so I can sleep and then I do any night feeds.

Please be honest, I can take it!

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 19/01/2010 19:04

YANBU

MrsMattie · 19/01/2010 19:05

YANBU. Not at all.

drivinmecrazy · 19/01/2010 19:06

YANBU. My DH used to work extra long hours when girls were babies, he admits now that it was easier to work a 14 hour day than come home to a wife with PND 9 years on i think i've only just forgiven him, though can't really blame him cos he used to walk through the door and get kids thrust upon him while I wailed about my horrid life. Happy days!!!

RubysReturn · 19/01/2010 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fernie3 · 19/01/2010 19:07

YANBU my husbands work hours recently changed so he doesnt get in until 7:30 pm(he leaves the house at 9am). I didnt realise howmuch work it was getting the three of them fed and to bed plus doing all the evening bits. I wish he had his old hours back!

GhoulsAreLoud · 19/01/2010 19:08

YANBU but my DH really struggled to get to work on time when DD was tiny and waking up a million times a night so I can sympathise with him.

TheCrackFox · 19/01/2010 19:09

YANBU

a lot of men seem to work longer hours when a baby come along. Dh was one of them but will deny it. He was, however, very good on his days off.

Tommy · 19/01/2010 19:09

you're not being unreasonable at all. I used to hate that time of day - big children are tired, baby is grouchy, they're all hungry...

Not sure if if have any advice - you have to be able to sort it out betwen the 2 of you. Time for a sit down and serious chat.

I can remember, on more than one occasion, as soon as DH came home, I shoved the baby at him and said "I'm just off out - ok?" and went anywhere just to get out of the house. After a couple of those type evenings, we finally got round to having the conversation about him coming home earlier etc. Took a bit of time but we got there eventually.

Don't forget that this time won't last for ever!

Hang in there

Original poster
memoo · 19/01/2010 19:12

Ruby, Don't have any friends or family near by so have no help or any other adult company at all and never get a break.

Dh is fab when he is here, he is very hands on.

I am getting treatment for PND but its early days and I feel right on the edge at the moment.

DH works long hours. He leaves at 8 though it should be earlier as surpose to be in work for 8 and its an hours drive. He gets in at 7pm if he leaves work ontime but usually its closer to 8pm

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 19/01/2010 19:13

Tommy, thats how I feel. I feel like I want to get in the car and drive away from them all.

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 19/01/2010 19:16

drivinmecrazy, that is really sad. I suspect thats how my DH feels I can't be much fun to come home to at the moment.

I am trying though. I try to make sure there is something in the oven for him and let him sit down and eat before I trust the baby at him.

OP posts:
Snowtiger · 19/01/2010 19:16

Memoo I don't have much in the way of advice but plenty of sympathy as I had PND with DS1 and remember what a struggle it was.

Is there any way you can go to a baby and toddler group or something, just so that you can talk to other people and not feel like you're dealing with all of this on your own? My main memory of the PND is feeling so low and lonely and afraid to be on my own with DS1 when he was a baby, and just having any company at all really helped.

DaisymooSteiner · 19/01/2010 19:18

Has he always been bad at getting up in the morning? When I had PND dh actually developed depression too and a few months of antidepressants really helped him.

RubysReturn · 19/01/2010 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
memoo · 19/01/2010 19:20

I do know of a parent and toddler group snowtiger, but I'm a bit anxious about going at the moment. The thought of having to go and talk to people I have never met before fills me with dread.

You're right about the loneliness. I do feel so lonely at the moment, and a bit trapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 19/01/2010 19:25

Daisy, he has always been bad at getting up, its just never bothered me before now. I guess he could be a bit down, he is under a lot of stress too with a new baby and a wife who is slowly losing the plot!

OP posts:
RubysReturn · 19/01/2010 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
memoo · 19/01/2010 19:26

Have to go and see to baby, she only sleeps for 15 minutes at a time during the day. Thanks for replys, will get back on later tonight

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 19/01/2010 19:27

Ruby, the rational part of my brain tells me that every one else is in the same boat too. but then there is this nagging voice in the back of my head making me doubt myself.

OP posts:
WingsTHEangel · 19/01/2010 19:30

Ok I could be way off mark here, but I wondered if you wrote him a letter, just to put down your feelings on paper to him, so he maybe understands a bit more how hard things are for you right now.

Are there any mums you speak to at school I know how hard it can be to make friends.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 19/01/2010 19:30

YANBU.

DH got up every night for every feed with all 3 of ours even though I breast fed and he worked all day. He used to leave early so he could be home by 6.15pm as it was a 1 1/2 hour drive home and a bit less there. He couldn't wait to leave to get home to us.

RubysReturn · 19/01/2010 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hobbgoblin · 19/01/2010 19:33

YANBU because you are doing a lot looking after DC and baby. With PND you are being even less unreasonable.

However, if you had no DH then you would manage okay. It mightn't be a bed of roses but you would cope. I think you perhaps need to try and find your inner strength reserves somehow because it doesn't sound as though there is much that will change. Your DH is clearly tired and he is obviously helping as well as working outside of the home.

I used to moan at my ex DH (not the reason he is an ex) about his levels of help and time spent at home. I'm now lone parenting 4 children and I'd give my right arm for a supportive face at the end of each day - even if it didn't come til 8, 9 or 10pm at night! Most nights the best I get is a googlemail chat to DP.

You are still NBU, but maybe there is a better way of lookign at this?

Northernlurker · 19/01/2010 19:33

Actually I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I know you've got the kids 24/7 and he should just suck it up too but what you're asking is for him to leave the house at 7am (having stayed up to the night feed), drive an hour, work all day, drive back an hour and then be father of the year. I can see why he's being a bit crap tbh. I'm not saying he's any more knackered than you of course - but that's my point really. You are BOTH having a crap time and you need to work together to get through it. Talk about this - you resent him for lying in bed then swanning off. He (I expect) resents you for being at home all day and still demanding more. You're both wrong - and right

Practical tips - does he eat breakfast before leaving in the morning. If not would a nice breakfast en famille - fruit, porridge, an egg or two get him up and out a bit quicker and get all of you in to a better frame of mind? Then the witching hours before bed. Are you doing everything you can to make life easy for yourself? Can your bigger children undress themselves, brush teeth etc and help one another? Are there any rules or patterns you could put in place that would help you - no toys out in bedrooms after 6.30 and take your own clothes to the washing bin - that sort of thing. Food for children - I found when I had three including a young baby that it is no good cooking teas that need two hands. You need to do easy chuck it around the kitchen stuff - and again make sure the kids are pulling their weight - setting the table, taking stuff back to the kitchen. I think things will get a bit easier too when the baby is having tea as well - I now that sounds odd. I found dd3 much more settled when she started solids and so was eating alongside her siblings not watching me throw their food around whilst she wanted milk - and she always wanted milk at that point.

Most importantly though remember this is a phase. It will pass, just keep talking to your husband - even if you fight, keep talking because smouldering resentment borne of these years will do a lot of damage to a marriage.

butadream · 19/01/2010 19:33

YANBU but I am not sure if your DH can get home earlier that often even if he does go in earlier, I say this from a working culture of late night presenteeism where early birds are not valued .

Is there any way you could look for another solution like inviting childless friends round to hang out with you after work or getting a temporary home help person round?

You sound like you are doing a lot and maybe putting yourself under quite a bit of pressure, looking after the kids is a great deal of work esp. at that time of day and I am sure your DH would rather you were happy than have a clean house and his dinner cooked when he walks in the door, it's not that much work for him to get himself an omelette or a sandwich.

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