I am totally up for being told IABU, just want honest opinion

[memoo]

I had DC 3 just 4 months ago and am a SAHM. DC1 and DC2 are both at school during the day.

I find the hours between picking the kids up from school and DH getting home really stressful.

DH is always late home from work. If it was because he had a lot on then I would understand but the reason he finishes late is because he never gets there on time in the morning as he won't get out of bed on time!

I have asked him so many times to please get to work on time so he can be home on time and help me, but my pleas seem to be falling on death ears.

Am i really being unreasonable to expect him to make an effort to get home on time to help me?

Bit of back ground so I don't get accused of aibu by stealth. I am struggling with PND at the moment and so am finding things a bit mpre difficult than I would do usually.

I also understand that DH is knackered because he does the late night feed so I can sleep and then I do any night feeds.

Please be honest, I can take it!

tispity, you are really being nasty to lucyellensmumagain. Are you aware of what a bully you are?

memoo, good luck at the doctors tomorrow. I know what its like discussing PND with doctors, be brave and be honest, you WILL get through this.

x-posted with your apology, lem!

& good luck memoo (btw you sound lovely)

I'm quite shocked at how aggressive and unreasonable tispity is. I hope the OP can look past these entries & read the wonderful advice from the other posters.

Just to reiterate my advice re the bachs rescue remedy, might have got lost in all the hooha. This absolutely works for me - although lots of people are a bit about it. I used to have a job which involved microdissection. It was very easy to get all grrrrrrr about it, as i believe it was the most frustrating job in the entire world. A friend recommended bachs and i would have poker hands, not a jitter in sight. So that for me proves it, a physical effect. Also, it got me on a plane to greece once - quite an achievement. Trouble is ididnt take it on the way back and i was a basket case . Its completely natural and doesn't interfere with any medication.

I did have a breakdown after the birth of my DD, I had surgery not long after and my father died of a long drawn out illness - oh and i was trying to finish my PhD thesis - after i handed it in, i just lost the plot there is no shame in needing a bit of help along the way. I had PND, it was inevitable i guess. It was a no brainer for me to have the medication as I have a background in neurobiology and i know how drugs like prozac and citalopram work. They are not addictive like diazepam because they work completely differently. I would look into the bachs before you do down the diazepam route, i always think that diazepam has had its day tbh. There may be those who disagree.

Do continue posting on here, there are lots of people with similar experience.

Just wondered, have you spoken to your DH about how you feel? I hate it when DP works late even now, but if he can give a definate time for when he will be back that would help greatly im sure. Men do need things spelling out to them sometimes, bless!

I apologised to you tispity - i don't bear grudges - lets just draw a line, we were both a pair of arses

Wow, that is truly vile tispity. Shame on you.

memoo - my dcs are 3 and 4. I often leave the house late and turn up to work late. But if I'm not home by the dot of 5pm, dh goes ballistic!

When I was on ML I expected the same from him.

I have used diazepan (Sp??)as a muscle relaxant and find that I wander around in a drunken fug all day!

I hope you find the right balance and dh bucks his ideas up.

Tispity, im going to start a thread in chat, i dont do CAT i really would like to straighten this out, this is not the place?? please

here

memoo - have you got a baby swing - a bit like a bouncer but it swings baby? My first was a nightmare - could never put him down at all during the day - until at 3 months got a swing. It kept him quiet for hours.

If that works, then you will get a break during the day to do a few things for yourself.

In moments of panic and sheer terror at what you face - remember and say to yourself - in a year things will be easier. In two, even more. Calm yourself down and try to be rational - tell yourself that you CAN and WILL cope. Don't let you bad feelings of dispair take over your mind. FIGHT THE BAD THOUGHTS - replace them with positive ones. Learn to do this all day every day and soon you wont have to try. Once the meds kick in and things calm down you will go back to how you were before.

Try not to blame partner, he's in this too and probably feels really stressed. Don't blame yourself either.

Hi everyone. MorningTownRide, its no good feeling like that when you've got children to look after. Even more reason for me to stay away from the diazepam I think.

Lucyellensmum, I have of the bachs rescue remedy before, I think I will definately give it a go. I'd much prefer to use something like that than diazepam.

I have spoke to DH about how I am feeling and he does try very hard to understand but I don't think he can truely know just how bad how feel. Men don't seem to be at the mercy of their hormones as much as some women are. Also he doesn't know how it feels to be alone day in day out. How do you explain that to someone? How hard it is to be alone day after day and how the stress slowly grinds you down.

eggontoast, We have actually got a baby swing, a battery operated one. She was a bit unsure at first, it seemed to startle her, but have tried again tonight and she has actually gone to sleep!

oh, so pleased she has gone to sleep for you!!

It is hard to be at home with the LOs, i count the hours til DP gets home each day. Most days he is home between six and seven and i have well and truly had enough by then. I only have the one child and im over the PND now. So what you are feeling is totally normal, most mums feel like this.

My DPs favourite thing was "just live your life" or "you have got to pull yourself together" or "you are stronger than this". LOL even he laughs about it now - i think its so difficult to understand, its difficult to understand other peoples PND even if you have had it, i was convinced i didnt have PND because i loved my baby to distraction, and i thought PND meant i wouldnt love her. Everyone is different. I think the key is for partners to just ACCEPT rather than try to understand - once DP accepted i was ill, it made things easier for him.

Definately get yourself out - are there any local M&T groups - your HV should have a list of local ones. Don't feel that just because you only have a baby and not a toddler you cant go, lots of them have baby corners where you can sit and play with the little babies, it forces you to chat to other mums, ok, its all a bit false and strained but you are OUT of the house. I would go to these things, then wander around the shops (filled my house with second hand "bargains") get some food in - and then quite enjoy the time at home.

It WILL get easier, i promise x x x

wow, just read this thread...

memmo, you sound like you are doing an awesome job. also, top news re:baby swing!!! result!

FWIW< it sounds like you need (if possible, and i know this might just be rubbing salt in the wound!) some time out - for me, when partner came home i'd literally give him the baby and go OUT - just for an hour (was BF)before bedtime..it saved my sanity. i didn't have PND, just found that all-day thing really hard...

just a walk, a drive, a swim(float!) anywhere... in the meantime, Tispity should have given you a laugh! seriously, i hope this gets easier, please post again if you feel like you're exploading anytime.

Thanks mojo, I know what you mean about getting out. The other weekend I left DH at home with the DC and went to sainsburys, I usually loath food shopping and normally get it delivered but I just needed an excuse to get out. Do you know what, it really was heaven, a bit of head space. Think I might start doing it more often. Once the nights start getting lighter I'll try and take the dog out for her evening walk, I always use to enjoy doing that pre DD but don't like doing it alone when its dark out.

Lucyellensmum, I'm glad you said that about the toddler groups not just being for toddlers. I do know of one at my church but one of the reasons I'm nervous about going, apart from having to talk to people!, is that people will wonder why I'm there with a 4 month old baby.

I can't tell you all how much it has helped to talk about this. I'm really going to take on board all the advice. I feel a little more positive tonight, and am going to try and remember that it will get easier

oh do go, you dont know until you do - groups vary and it can be a bit like pulling teeth at first, lots of smiling and not much talking but its well worth it. First thing i took DD to was when she was 12 weeks old was a baby music group - its all a bit bodenesque and pushy mummy, but DD loved it - there was no pressure to actually talk to other mums because you are too busy singing along (oh yes, we had to sing, and dance too) but i loved it, and DD loved it and went until she was three, then the lady who did the music group did music class at her nursery - it was brilliant.

Just to add there are many mums at these playgroups with little babies. There are toys and equipment there just for the young babies. The only reason I went to playgroup at the beginning was to have company for myself. Even if I didn't chat, and that was hardly ever as the mums are often friendly, it was just nice to be out and be around people and have someone make me that very important coffee.

I have had PND as well as regular old depression and it can make avoid the outside world but getting out is one of the best things. It really helps. I don't know where you live but I wish I could come and take you to my playgroups. You are doing great and it will get better, just keep going to the GP to stay on track once they sort the meds.

newnamethistime, I didn't check back on this thread until today, but it's fine! I was horrified that my post might have come across all 'I'm superwoman' so I'm glad a re-read sorted that out. I'm absolutely supportive of memoo.

And, tbh, on the days that I am home fulltime with my daughter (my husband's a grad student, so I have sole care on the weekends when he pulls a 10 hour day at university) I'm just as desperate for him to come home at night as the next person! Likewise, if I miss my bus home I always ring him immediately to apologise because I know that the extra twenty minutes at the end of the day is so hard when you've been counting down the hours.

I also deeply resent tispity's implication that my fabulous husband is sissified and we have a sexless marriage because he pulls his goddamn weight around here and has made career-and-financial sacrifices to spend quality time with his kids. But I should maybe take that to the other thread? It's off topic here, but I'm furious.

whoa what happended between tipsity and lucyum??? I was keen to see how the docs went, and then fight fight fight!!!

anyway.....

But memoo your story clearly strikes a chord with so many people here.YOU ARE NOT ALONE

DEF take baby to playgroup, all of mine have baby corners

Hi, have to be quick because baby is a bit wingey.

I went to the Docs this morning, He has upped my citalopram to 40mg daily and has given me a prescription of propranolol(sp?) to be taken as I need them. Hopefull I will start feeling a bit better soon.

Will pop back later when DD is more settled or when DH is home tonight.

Memoo, Where abouts in the country are you?

Can you tlk to your Health visitor or local childrens centre or contact Homestart? When I had my twins Dh was working lots and maybe not as helpful as I needed at the time and I suffered quite bad ond.
I had a really lovely lady from homestart come to me twice a week for 2 hours a time and it was so nice to have someone watch the babies or play with dd1 while I had a bath or had a rest. Maybe you could have help after school with the baby so you can help the older ones with homework and do the tea

ah, good about the citalopram and the propranolol. Just to say, that when i upped my dose, the first night i felt like shit - really on edge, then it went off, it was like the original few days on 20mg. It wasn't as bad though - then i felt much better.

You WILL feel better soon xx

Right, feeling a bit pleased with myself! At school this afternoon I plicked up the courage to ask one of the mums about the toddler group at the church hall, I know she goes to it because I have heard her talking about it.

She told me that its on a tuesday morning so I am going to pluck up the courage and go! She was really nice and chatty, so at least I will know at least one face when I go.

Magnolia, I am in Warrington in Cheshire. I'm not too keen on my HV, she's a bit old school and we just seem to be on completely different pages. There is a sure start childrens centre quite near by to where I live. I guess I could pop in there one afternoon and see whats going on. I know they have a cafe in there so at the very least I can sit and drink coffee!

I'm feeling so positive today. The visit to the doctor gave me a boost because even though I don't feel any benefit from the tablets yet, I feel like I am taking steps in the right direction. Almost looking forward to the toddler group [scared!]