I am totally up for being told IABU, just want honest opinion

[memoo]

I had DC 3 just 4 months ago and am a SAHM. DC1 and DC2 are both at school during the day.

I find the hours between picking the kids up from school and DH getting home really stressful.

DH is always late home from work. If it was because he had a lot on then I would understand but the reason he finishes late is because he never gets there on time in the morning as he won't get out of bed on time!

I have asked him so many times to please get to work on time so he can be home on time and help me, but my pleas seem to be falling on death ears.

Am i really being unreasonable to expect him to make an effort to get home on time to help me?

Bit of back ground so I don't get accused of aibu by stealth. I am struggling with PND at the moment and so am finding things a bit mpre difficult than I would do usually.

I also understand that DH is knackered because he does the late night feed so I can sleep and then I do any night feeds.

Please be honest, I can take it!

YANBU - he should listen to you and come home early to help you out. Change the time on his alarm clock so he thinks he's getting his lie in, and then chuckle wickedly when he realises he's got up on time for once. Or schedule some essential activity (dentist, doctor) so that he has to come home one day to do the last few hours of the day with the kids. Doing the actual work himself without you being there might open his eyes to how hard it is. He's being totally out of order, especially in view of your depression.

am i right in suspecting that your DH is self employed? A builder? Just a guess

Anyway, i feel your pain, my DP is like this, ironically when he works locally - whenever he works further afield, he gets his arse out of bed and gets himself gone in the morniing.

Whatever your DH does, he is working inefficiently, you get tons more done in the morning than in the afternoons.

I dont buy the night feed bit either, we all have to do without sleep when we have small children. tis the law!!

I totally sympathise with the PND, I had it and sometimes wouldnt let my DP go out of the door!

I have ONE DD now and i hate it when DP is late- although what i hate more than anytihng is not actually having a definate time home - he will tell me one time and arrive at another, he has no concept of time.

I would have a chat with your DH and find ways of him working more efficiently - i might even think about sacrificing the night feed as that way you can insist on more help in the evenings.

It sounds like you need a few more friends around to support you. Is there a MN group near to you? Having swopped a few posts before you meet might break the ice. Or do you ever chat to the other mums at the school gate? A couple of people around for a cup of tea and a laugh may give you the boost you need to face the rest of the day.

We may be adopting a 3rd child this year, and if we do I have made it clear (to DH) that I will need a mother's help type person between school home time and bedtime. Would you be able to get something similar?

I was thinking that I wouldn't need someone to take over, but an extra pair of hands to prevent busy and cranky from tipping over into chaos. Someone to stir dinner while I sort out a dirty nappy, or sit and play with the little ones while I supervise DS's homework.

I agree with all the good advice on here, and would say DH has got himself into a 'late to bed, late to rise' cycle with the late night feed. I also think it would be hard for him to have a late night and get up early.

You do need to talk to him, but when you do, perhaps you need to have decided if you think it would be more helpful to you if he had a nap/early night and got up to leave for work earlier. You would then have to do the late night feed, but would have help with the bed time routine for the of DCs?

Or do you just want him to acknowledge you are struggling. I often found that when DH said to me 'I know you work hard and I appreciate it' I was better able to cope.

Also, does he know how much you appreciate him? I mean, do you say thank you for doing the night feed?

I don?t mean to belittle how you feel at all, but getting into a positive spiral up takes positive steps from you too. If you feel like you are always nagging, you will feel bad. I sound so patronising, I really don?t mean to I promise, but really think that being a parent is just hard for everyone. You have my sympathy, and complete understanding!

i do sympathize but northernluker has made a good point. As two are at school could you get a slow cooker and put it on first thing in the morning so that when all the children are home you wont have to worry about cooking as it will be done?

Poor you - such good advice here to keep talking to him. I had pnd with dc3 too, and dh actually was depressed too and it was all so hard. There was so much resentment too. Ask him how he's feeling and how he's coping with the tiredness and work as a nice way of starting a conversation about how you're all holding things together. Mine are now all at school but I still find the evenings knackering. When I'm really exhausted I put them to bed very early - can you do this, and just let the older ones read if it's too early to sleep? Tell them you're very tired and need peace and quiet.

I echo Fab's sentiments, I had 3 children in under 4 years and my dh was up at night, at work early and home early at night - and it was hard for him to do all that. Now the youngest is three, I couldn't say the same at all , but it matters less now. It mattered a great deal then and tbh his help was invaluable and I don't think I have ever told him how much. Looking back, they were hard times for both of us.

He and you cannot get this time back and bitterness is really destructive.

Try and work out something between you that you are both happy with. Please know that it does get easier and that you are doing a fantastic job (I can't believe you don't just thrust the baby at him - well impressed - and as for a meal cooked....!).

I think you are being unreasonable, actually. Just organise the whole day around those hours between the children coming home and going to bed - plan it, and do as much as you can in advance.

Try and have a chat with him at the weekend when you're less stressed, acknowledge it's hard for him too, but see if you can arrange it that at least a couple of nights a week you know he will come home on time - Friday should be one, for a start!

Sounds like finding some adult company in the day would really help. If you go to a mother and baby / mother and toddler group, you might be nervous at first, but people do go there to make friends. And for those with new babies, just working out which end is which, you will seem like an expert with 3 children.

I think you are only being reasonable on account of your PND though you are still setting yourself up for disappointment. i do everything related to my dcs with no help from family or friends - i let dh get on with what he needs (and tbh prefers) to be doing - it is also what he is best at doing. he has never fed the dcs a meal (though will cook sometimes and pay for them when we eat out!) or given them a bath or done a bedtime hour. we go out a lot as a family but he has never taken them out to the park (or beyond). i shop online for groceries and clothes for the dcs when they have gone to bed (exclusively my job too). recently, i have got someone to help with the cleaning but i am about to terminate the contract as things seem dirtier afterwards than before she starts.
i actually love the time of day that you describe - if it's the baths stressing you out, just don't insist on them every night. we also have a really long bedtime hour (1 hour plus at times!) which is fantastic. if dh is around he will come up and read one story (nobody counts on it though).

i would add that having a slow cooker really helps as you bung everything in the night before (or in the morning) and you have hot, nutritious food ready for 4.30pm.

i would not impose any sort of curfew on my dh as he would HATE it, fail to keep to the agreed times and it would create too much resentment

You are, of course, not being unreasonable! Life with young kids and babies is tough for everyone, but with PND it is even harder. I agree with everyone that you should talk to your DP - my ex and I used to sit down at the end of every day and make ourselves talk and have a hug for 5 - 10 mins, just to remind ourselves that we were adults and in it together - it really did help although it was only a small thing. I also had PND so huge hugs - have you spoken to your health visiter? When I had PND mine would come round once a week to chat/support/make sure everything was okay. She also referred me to a local group for mums with PND where I met some fantastic people who were all in the same boat - just knowing that I really wasn't alone feeling how I did, was a huge help. Our PCT also has a scheme for mums with PND/problems where a volunteer 'befriender' will come round once a week - it's not forever, but just someone to come round and chat - can you speak to your HV and find out what resources your area might have to support you? I bet there are some, and the fact that you have PND and are away from friends and family will make you a priority for support, I would think.

The thing is, with so many things, a big key is comminication, so do try and tell your DP how you feel - even if he can't make any big changes to his routine, he needs to understand how you feel, and would probably rather know so he can help you. Maybe also talk about what will work for you - does it suit you to sleep earlier and do the night feeds or would a different shift system help? I know your DP has to work, but can you maybe alternate the way you do things, or him do all the night feeds over the weekend so you can catch up on your sleep?

Lastly, while you are suffering with PND, just give yourself one goal a day -don't expect too much or put too much pressure on yourself. For every small thing you achieve, give yourself a hug (taking the kids for a walk, playing a game together, doing some washing, cooking a meal etc). If you only achieve one thing a day, you are doing really well - honestly! Really hope things look up, but please believe that this won't last forever - I promise!

I'm a mum of three like yours and school pick up to bed time is really stressful. I really appreciate having DP come home to help with bath and bed, even if not every day. Could yours stay an hour later one night a week and come home an hour earlier the next night and / or do some work from home?

BTW, it's gotten much easier now youngest is 10 months, more chilled out and can sit / crawl round on his own / be entertained by DC's a bit while I cook or help with homework and sits in highchair if has finger food.

Hang in there!!

tispity? are you for real

Are you a throwback from the fifties or something? What is it that your DH prefers to be doing if it is not being with his family??

I do most, if not all of the cleaning, its just got that way, fair enough, DP works hard all day and is often home late - but he does every single bedtime, unless he is home too late. My DD adores this time with her daddy - i feel quite sad for your children. He has never taken them to the park??

It is not normal family dynamics you are describing there.

still not entirely sure you are real to be honest. Its not about curfews, her DH needs to step up to the plate - although i think this is a habit thing, OP, it just sounds like your DH has gotten into this late start routine. His life would be better if he were to get out of it. He would actually have more time to himself in the evenings, and that time when your children are young, you can't get that back - he needs to treasure it, not run away from it.

"Are you a throwback from the fifties or something?" - well i think there is a lot to be said for some of those values actually. we are blissfully happy for the most part and very rarely argue.
better than turning into a screaming Fury trying to control somebody else's freedom and constantly failing to manage this

oh dear!

what about your freedom tispity?

Isn't it strange the way our society values getting up, putting on a suit and sitting on your bum in an office, typing emails and thinking clever thoughts all day over 18 physically active hours entertaining, teaching and nursing children? Not to mention cleaning a home and cooking meals...

People just have it hardwired into them that "going out" to work is more demanding than "staying in" to do your work. Nobody mentions how it's often actually quite nice to go out in a smart suit, be with other adults, feel valued and respected for your brain, have swanky lunches in bistros and get paid into the bargain. You don't get to do any of that as a SAHM.

But then the people who are going out to work feel hard done by when they leave you in the morning in your pyjamas, sipping tea while they have to sit on a crowded train for an hour and have their day planned out for them by others.

I guess everybody thinks the other has it easy.

For some Dads, the joy of fatherhood just doesn't kick in till the DCs are a bit older and can play and communicate with them. Some find babies boring and hard to fathom. And it's overwhelming. And yes, for many work is a welcome escape...

Is there any way you could afford to get a mother's help for those difficult hours? That time of day is dreadful and YANBU. PND is a killer, I know and some help would alleviate some of the stress for both you and your dh. Also maybe switch things around a little. Perhaps you do the last feed and he does the early morning one which would get him out of bed if the baby has a feed around 6:30ish. And you definetely don't need to do a bath every night.

It is hard going and I don't think some of the "I cope with 3 kids so why can't you" comments are at all helpful. In fact i think its harsh, especially to someone coping with pnd.

well, based on the information we have exchanged it is a bit difficult to answer that one actually. all i can suggest is that i have loads of freetime to myself to do exactly what i like for several hours a day while the dcs are at school to the extent that we are talking about a dc3; mirroring the OP i suppose

my idea of freedom would not be a snatched hour watching cable TV in the evening while dh makes a complete mockery of helping the dcs wind down at bedtime. freedom cannot result from a series of tense arguments followed by a short-lived ceasfire; the terms of which were negotiated through gritted teeth. if dh and the dcs are not happy then i would not be either. there is no way i would entertain piling extra responsibility upon another individual who is already stressed out, unless it was a crisis situation

It's a shame for your kids though tispity. It is very good for children's holistic development and sense of identity, which in turn feeds self esteem, to have two parents who are fully engaged in bringing them up. Yes, alot of men work and have somewhat less time that the SAHM to be fully engaged, but many work hard to be so when they are home. I'm afraid not reading bedtime stories, doing the bath, getting involved in bedtime is just lazy and lame really. A shame for the kids. I'm sure that they are happy enough - but they are missing out an important layer of their childhood, imo. And a shame for them to see a father as someone so useless as to 'make a mockery' of putting them to bed.

What time is the late feed? And what time does your other half have to get up to be on time for work? If he can get 8 hours in then you are not really being unreasonable are you?. it?s also really frustrating if you are trying to get better from PND, have provided a solution to one of the problems but your DH is not doing his bit!

Would it be actually easier for you to do the late feed for a while so DH gets back into the pattern of going to bed on time and getting up on time? That way you know that the late feed is being done on time?. I just remember what it was like in our house with my partner on late feed duty, he?d end up forgetting and doing it really late then having trouble getting up.

Are you getting any help from your doctor for your PND? I think it also helps if the men have some support when you have PND as it can be hard going for them too, does your doctor know of a local support group you could go to? I went to one and they did a husbands evening it was helpful?anyway good luck and hope you feel better from the PND soon?it doesn?t last for ever.

Well, I only have the one, but I'm also the breadwinner, and I'm up at 6, out the door at 7, home at 6.30pm. At which point I entertain my daughter who hasn't seen me all day, cook dinner every other night (we alternate), give her a bath, share the bedtime routine with my husband, clean the kitchen and tidy away toys at which point it's about 9pm. Then I get half an hour of downtime before I go to bed because I do the night wakeups (still bf'ing and she wakes about 2 x a night) and therefore need to be in bed before 10 to get enough sleep to function.

My husband shares the tidying, the cooking, the bedtime routine, the errands, and cares for our daughter twice a week, so it's not like he's not pulling his weight. But I can do all the things you're asking your husband to do and still get out of the house on time.

So YANBU, but it's such a hard time for all of you that I think the more help you can get from others, the better.

And tispity, if my husband 'made a mockery' of bedtime, I'd see that as totally disrespectful of our family life. If he doesn't respect time with his kids enough to try and make a good hash of it - well, good luck forging a strong relationship with them as they grow, that's all.

great post, tortoise