I am totally up for being told IABU, just want honest opinion

[memoo]

I had DC 3 just 4 months ago and am a SAHM. DC1 and DC2 are both at school during the day.

I find the hours between picking the kids up from school and DH getting home really stressful.

DH is always late home from work. If it was because he had a lot on then I would understand but the reason he finishes late is because he never gets there on time in the morning as he won't get out of bed on time!

I have asked him so many times to please get to work on time so he can be home on time and help me, but my pleas seem to be falling on death ears.

Am i really being unreasonable to expect him to make an effort to get home on time to help me?

Bit of back ground so I don't get accused of aibu by stealth. I am struggling with PND at the moment and so am finding things a bit mpre difficult than I would do usually.

I also understand that DH is knackered because he does the late night feed so I can sleep and then I do any night feeds.

Please be honest, I can take it!

My husband leaves the house at 7.45 to tske the kids to school and is rarely home before 2130. But at the weekend he nearly always does the bedtime routine with them, and if he happend to get home earlier in the week one day he also does it then. Actually he wants to because they're his children and he wants to do what he can to have a good relationship with them despite working all hours

Just having read OP, I feel sorry for you, but I think that if he doesn't change then you must plan your day until 9pm without him. Apologies if you've already said this, but I also think you should plan an hour in your day to sleep. Also have you tried Vitamin B6?

YANBU OP, my dh struggles with getting up in the morning and always has even pre dcs, has caused quite a few heated discussions over the years! (e.g. when I was a nurse working shifts if I was on anearly I'd have to call him from work repeatedly between 7.30 and 8.00to make sure he got up for work, if I was on a late ai never got a lie in as I'd have to pster him to get up from 7.30 ).

There are loads of good helpful non critical suggestions on here, I can only echo them, I hope if you try them it starts working out better for you.

tispity I'm afraid I have to agree with cirrhosis and LEM here. Your family set up sounds somewhat archaic and detrimental to your dcs tbh in terms of the practical and emotional involvement they get from their father.

peacocks what is vitamin b6 good for? I'm also home on mat leave with ds 16 weeks and have symptoms of pnd the worst of which is insomnia leaving me unable to get back to sleep between the night feeds. Am interested in anything that might help?

YANBU. Its really tough when you have a new baby and older children. I found it hard enough with DC2 let alone even considering DC3 - you are doing amazingly.

You have had lots of practical suggestions and the only other one I'd add is are the older DC on school dinners? It means not having to worry so much about what they have at tea time (and of course saves you having to make sandwiches).

Keep talking to your DH and good luck with the PND treatment. You're getting there.

YANBU to be so tired. i actually work FT and DP looks after DC, and probably will look after DC2. after a full day at work It is tiring to come home and look after the DC when DP takes a break, but I am never/rarely late. Its my duty to be there for my kid in the evening. Thats my perspective as a working Mum. I think alot of dads use work as an excuse TBH. However does your DH fall into this category, only you can judge.

HOWEVER i think you need to get that you are not the only person who is tired, he probably has shit days at work, then comes home to you, tired and depressed! It cant be easy for him either.

What can you do to make things easier for yourself? also, and most importantly are you taking anything for the PND? Cos ifd not you owe it yourself and your family to get yourself sorted out. I also would not underestimate this miserable dark weather and the joy of sleep deprivation. When spring i here and inevitable as baby goes for longer sleeps things WILL get better.

Its a tough time, but try to not have a massive right as I bet its tough for him too

good luck

Hi everyone and thanks so much for all the messages. Sorry I didn't get back on last night but DD was really unsettled and it was 1am but she finally went to sleep.

I have read all of the messages and there is some fantastic advice.

I do try and plan my day more efficently and leave things til DH gets home but at the moment DD is so clingy and won't be put down. during the day she will only sleep on me so its not like I even get a break while she has a nap.

My other 2 DC are 9 and 10 and are good kids. Because of their age they don't need much doing for them ie they can shower themselves, help themselves to drinks and snacks etc. TBH the practical side of things isn't too bad its more about the stuff that goes on in my head.

Obviously I have to put DD down to make tea for the older two . I sit her in her chair in the kitchen so she can see me but she winges the whole time.

At the same time the other two are trying to tell me about their days, need help with their homework etc. I feel pulled in so many different directions that I don't know if I coming or going.

Sometimes they talk to me and my head is so full I can't even process what they are saying.

I get to the point where I want to shut myself away from the constant noise and demands.

On Saturday morning I felt so stressed and anxious from the moment I got up, don't know why cos DH was here. Think its just a build up fromt he rest of the week.

I honestly felt like my head was going to explode and my chest was really sore. I had a very brief moment of actually wanting to hurt myself. It was gone in a flash but just for the briefest moment it felt like a really good idea.

I would never, ever do anything to harm myself but the fact that the thought was there really alarmed me.

I really do appreciate all the advice you have all given me and am going to try and take on board everything that has been said.

Have an appointment with my GP tomorrow. Not sure my meds are really helping much so will see if he can up them or something.

Thanks again x

YANBU, but it must be difficult time for your dh too, perhaps if he is doing the late fed thats why he is finding it difficult to get up in the morning?

Then coming home from work and looking after baby, so you can have a break. You must both be shattered.

Sounds like a difficult time for you both, do you have anyone else, family, friends, who could help out a little a bit?

Claw, there is nobody else around. My sister is in Australia and the rest of our famil are dotted around the country.

When DH comes home I don't really have a break. He basically looks after the baby so I can do all the other 100 things that need doing.

Basically he gets to sit watching tele whilst holding the baby

Sorry for all the typos, one handed typing with baby over my shoulder!

not meaning to hiijack the thread but i think some of the other posters have misunderstood my post - i meant to say that i do a lot of the boring routine stuff as well as being involved in a lot of the fun stuff - dh is with us on practically all our days out and usually reads a bedtime story to the dcs. he also cooks a couple of times a week and has his special activities with the children such as meccano, snooker and ice skating (these are of no interest to me).
dh is from Monaco where there is a much stronger emphasis on family values than over here; infact, they almost exclusively produce well-rounded/mannered adults who are respectful of other people - by contrast, the UK has far too many chavtastic, gobby Dappys and i see only increasing divergences. the dcs adore dh and vice-versa. however, his idea of fatherhood is to still retain something of the patriarchal 'head of family' and allow me to handle the nuturing and educational sides of parenting (something i really enjoy). it does not really matter which parent is parenting at any one time; my dcs are lucky to have so much parental time devoted to them full stop. it is never going to be 50:50 anyway.
too many british dhs try to consciously make a stand against the bad and absent fathers in our society, by donning their pinnies and baking fairy cakes and eventually it canall end in tears because they supress their hunter-gatherer instincts altogether and turn themselves into blubbering stressed-out freaks in a pseudo same-sex relationship.

But don't you think tispity that if you were really struggling due to mental health problems that your DH should step in for a while and help out a bit more?

This is all I am asking of my DH

so from 'if dh is around he will come up and read one story - no one counts on it though' - you are now at 'usually reads a bedtime story'

"too many british dhs try to consciously make a stand" etc is a huge load of crap. I don't know any - I do know lots of dads who take seriously the role of being a dad and get involved in the day to day care of their children. For some reason that fact challenges your own family arrangements - otherwise you would not need to take it right to extremes and say that involved dads are "suppressing their hunter gatherer instincts altogether and turn themselves into stressed out freaks in a pseudo same sex relationship" I have never heard such a pile of absolute tosh, in my entire life.

I also think that being a good DH means supporting the mother of your children tispity.

What I meant was being a good dad means supporting the mother of your children

memoo - i have not been in your situation but i absolutely sympathise with you and know where yoy are coming from.

CirrhosisByTheSea - had a flare-up there?

so from 'if dh is around he will come up and read one story - no one counts on it though' - you are now at 'usually reads a bedtime story' - depends if he's at home obviously - duh!!! have i hit a nerve?

memoo

so pleased you are seeing GP, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE SLEEP DEPRIVATION i really thought i had PND (and I did a bit) but I tell you when I got more sleep, it helped. Its hard work, just reading your latest post made me feel tired. I am frankly shitting it how I will cope with a newborn and toddler

dont beat yourself up, dont beat DH up, and up those meds!

tipsity..helpful!?

porcamisiera wise words, yesterday I felt like hell after the prevoius 48 hours with only 4 hours sleep. today i feel a lot more positive as got about 6 hours last night! sleep either too much or too little has a serious adverse effect on mood.

tipsity hyou talk absolute b*ocks and i try not to be confrontational or rude like this on here usually. "hunter gatherer" etc.etc. what aload of repressive dailymailesque nonsense. This is the 21st century you know!

And as for family values and Monaco, how you cab generalise a tiny (maybe 3 miles square?) ultra wealthy principalities child rearing philosophy as gospel is simplistic at best and stupidity at worst.

Memoo, its a shame you dont have anyone to help out.

Sounds like both you and your dh need a bit of time to relax.

Perhaps you dh could look after the kids for a couple of hours on a Saturday, i mean no interruption from the kids whatsoever, keep them amused, take them out. So you can have a couple of hours chilling, having a bath, reading a book or whatever it is you enjoy doing?

Although i sympathise with you totally. I can also sympathise with your dh to a certain extent. Its not easy living with someone who suffers from any form of depression. I have and i found it very draining both physically and emotionally.

If your dh hasnt already, could you give him some info to read on PND, to help him understand what it feels like for you?

hmm, no you haven't hit a nerve with me tispity - don't try that one to deflect - It's not working!

so tisity? let me get this straight then, your DH does play with the children on occasion? But likes to remain the "head of the family" are these exclusive then? And you get on with the "boring" stuff. Thanks but no thanks!

Memoo i was going to mention medication, it does sound like you are suffering from anxiety - you sound so much like me, the whole exploding head and negative thought things. It is so so difficult for partners to understand, maybe yours has his head in the sand? My DP still doesn't really get it, and i think it would have been easier for him if he did - he tries bless him. In the end i made DP come to the doctors with me so she could explain to him what was going on. Are you on citalopram? I am, although im coming off them now after a few years. What dosage? I found that 20mg wasnt enough at first and went on 40mg for about six months, that really levelled me out.

Also, having three children is tough on anyone - he really should try and get home earlier, maybe even a couple of days a week?

"All i can suggest is that you get a slow cooker or a crock pot and at least twice a week cook something you can do gradually over the day and just dish up when required."

ScreaminEagle - oh i wouldn't say that if i were you. i suggested that yesterday and was immediately branded a 1950s throwback

CirrhosisByTheSea - deflect from what? some dumb-ass throwaway comment?

"And as for family values and Monaco, how you cab generalise a tiny (maybe 3 miles square?) ultra wealthy principalities child rearing philosophy as gospel is simplistic at best and stupidity at worst." - oh so wealthy people who live in small places do not have valid opinions and family values worth emulating. oh, such wise words!!

with respect tipsity i don't think you can generalise about "family values" etc. from an area that is so 1) TINY and 2) culturally so very different from the majority of the world. I expect many of the families in Monoaco have a LOT of extra help nannies/cleaner/maids etc. Also a lot of different nationalities live there e.g. Russians who's inherent child rearing practices may be more patriarchal than the rest of the world.

I expect most of the dcs are privately educated have private healthcare plus tutors etc. Children in Monaco are serioualy advantaged socio-economically on many levels! i have been to Monaco a few times and also have known people go there for work so i do have some idea of what I'm talking about.