Are we losing the art of thank you cards / letters

[sheeplikessleep]

I know I'm being pedantic, but am I the only one who thinks a printed, generic 'thank you for our presents' card isn't as personal as a little handwritten card or letter with reference to what the present was!

AIBU to think more effort should be put in?

seems to me thankyou letters either fall into two groups:

There's the ones from the posh people who had it drummed into them as children. I never met anyone like this until well into my adult life and found it really weird at first, esp when they'd already said thankyou in person when I gave them the sodding present!

but thank you notes from these people now, in partic for dinner/lunch invites I really appreciate, since I did go to a lot of effort for them.

The other group are the must try harder/get it right parents, who usually have no more than one or two children, and who go to every length to parent perfectly. I now find these the most irritating and manufactured!

I have received several for this Christmas and my DD (aged 6) is writing some at this very moment. If I send them they are handwritten. Makes the post much more exciting than bills and catalogues with monogrammed golf balls.

I posted about this a while back and got shot down in flames! Am totally with you OP. If you send a present through the mail or leave it on a table at a party, then not only is it the height of manners to send a thank you note, it reassures the present giver that the present was actually received. My half brother and sister NEVER EVER acknowledge the presents I slavishly send them through the post year after year, not even a quick thanks on my facebook wall which would be fine these days (for teenagers at least).

However, now DS is at school and going to those massive parties with 30+ kids, I can see writing thank you notes to each and every child would be a pain - particularly, as someone pointed out, the party giving parents have basically given our children a couple of hours free entertainment, so I think under these circumstances, a generic thank you notes is better than none.

But like someone else said, I was bought up to believe that if you didn't send a thank you note, no one would ever buy you a present again, and I can't believe it's such a dying tradition. Sad really.

I'm feeling rather guilty now because although neither DH or I were brought up to send thank-you letters I think it's pretty much essential to show thanks and would like DS to get used to the idea (ok, he's only 22 months now, but starting now'll get me used to it!). So I listed everything he'd been given at Christmas, and gifts that DH and I'd had, too. (We had a very nice and peaceful Christmas day with nobody there apart from ourselves, yay.)

And then DH went and recycled it with the wrapping paper! I'm truly ashamed to admit that a few weeks on, I cannot for the life of me remember who gave what, with a few exceptions, so it's going to have to be (grievously late) generic notes along the lines of the 'thanks for the stuff' card someone posted about earlier!

So... I'm the only person who hates writing thank-you cards so much, that I'd actually rather not get a present, than get one and have to write a letter about it?

Oh.

I had my first baby late on (42) which not only was a surprise to my husband and I - it was a huge surprise to all our family and friends! I couldn't believe how generous people were - we received more than a hundred gifts for DD and I hand wrote a thank you card to every one. (Mind you, my mum would have been ready to pounce if I hadn't as we were always made to as kids.) I think it's really important and find it insulting if people don't do the same. Is it my age?!

I don't think it's your age bb! I am not yet thirty (getting close though!!) and I have always written thank you letters. It was a very strict rule as a child - clearly remember having to do x a day between Christmas and NY!

I sent handwritten, handmade cards after our wedding and am currently still ploughing through the ones for DD's (9 weeks) welcome and Christmas presents. It does take time, and is hard, but I would hate people to have gone to so much trouble and not to feel acknowledged. Am a bit surprised at how many people on the thread think a post-baby thank you is excused (and am now wondering if I have caused myself a lot of work if most people don't expect a card! Maybe people think I am a bit strange making time to do it?!! Oh God, I've done it all wrong!!)

I was always taught that it was acceptable to say thank you to someone's face and that meant they did not need a thank you card but if you do not receive the present yourself eg given through someone else then you must write a thank you note. Also a note is expected after an party or a formal dinner.

heathen I'm with you. I have a friend was so berated by his upper middle class parents to write thankyou notes that he shudders when present time comes round. how to take the joy out of something, eh? Unless you really mean it, why do it? everyone knows it just a hollow gesture

i think it's becoming a lost art - thanking in general.

i always write a thank you note, always handwritten, for all gifts (unless the giver was there when i opened it) & always when I've been to a wedding - to the bride & groom & both sets of parents. It is almost always commented on as very appreciated.

perhaps it's old fashioned, but letter writing is such a lovely way to communicate & there's nothing like receiving a hand-written letter, no matter the occasion.

yes, silkygirl it's lovely when someone send you a great thankyou card, when you know they've put effort into it. but those people who dragoon their kids into writing 30 notes every class party and who threaten to cross you off their list if you don't respond according to their social code, for whom it's just another rule... uggh.

Nobody in their right minds would invite 30 children to a party, surely?

Better to invite five, and send them decent letters. No child needs 30 presents anyway.

(But I digress...)

PS Wickerman, it is indeed pants. Boys should express gratitude whether they like it or not (as I know from bitter experience, it is a dreadful process, sitting a boy down to write thank-you letters - but my boys are not getting out of it!!)

I didn't know there was such a thing as a 'generic' thank you card!

I always wrote Thank You cards/letters when growing up if I hadn't seen the present-giver in person and still do the same now.

When DS was born I saw most people in person, but those I didn't see, or opened the presents after they had gone, I wrote little notelets to. Not a huge essay, just a quick thank you with a bit of an update to how we were all doing etc.

I still write thank you cards to people I haven't seen, and do so on behalf of DS (now 7 months old) too. We wrote personalised thank you cards for all our Wedding Gifts.

I think if someone has made the effort to give a present or whatever it's common courtesy to thank them. I don't think that it's necessary to write if you've seen them when opening the present though.

Herald Angel: tell me about it. I have a friend who invite all their child's class to a birthday party, and then has ANOTHER party for friends and family. every year. Don't dare ask if she writes thankyou letters to all. bet she does though. she also has easter parties, and bank holiday parties. only joking. about the bank holiday parties

I've been wondering about this recently - my SIL & nephew always write thank you cards, but I don't make my DS do them.

I think I may have done as a small kid, but as we usually open Xmas presents with my parents & sister's family, so say thanks in person, then DH speaks to all of his family on the day, I kind of don't think about it...until SIL sends her thank you card & I feel guilty all over again.

(...not guilty enough to actually get cards written though...)

was relieved to see gomez & MamaVoo's posts.

I always hand write thank you cards for presents received for OH, DD and myself - though have to admit that I've just emailed my penfriend in the USA who has just sent us a parcel of Christmas presents, which includes a present for DD's birthday and my birthday both last year which she missed!

I'd like to have heard something in the way of a thanks from a 21-year-old to whom we sent a cheque for her birthday and another cheque for her engagement, both on the same day, and my eldest niece to whom we sent birthday presents last August and Christmas presents via her Mum, and we have heard - nothing. But then we never do, so no surprise there then!

We insist our kids write thank-you letters. Just quick notes on paper/cards they've chosen themselves but it's the thought that counts... Actually, if the gift has been sent through the post, thank-you notes are a neat way of letting the sender know it has arrived.

This polite stuff is all new to me as my siblings and I didn't receive gifts from anybody outside our own immediate family - i.e. our parents and, later on, one another.

I don't. I think a verbal is enough. To be honest, if someone is getting their knickers in a twist because they didn't receive a written (personalised, not generic mind)thank you note then I'd rather they didn't bother giving me a present in the first place.

My son has a problem with gripping a pen so we cut off the front of a Christmas card and write a short thank you on the back as there is not too much room to fill up. On the other hand, my daughter loves writing to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc so she does very elaborate notes which I know are treasured - I see them pinned up and my daughter feels appreciated too.

I hate spending money on my nephews and nieces and choosing a present, getting it sent off etc and then never even knowing if they get the gift! As I have 8 nephews and nieces the amount we spend can be quite significant to us, and 2 of them live in France which adds to the cost.

A thank you note doesn't have to be elaborate, but I think some acknowledgement is the minimum that should be expected.

OMG,I dont understand what the problem is. I always send thank yous on my sons behalf (hes only 6 months)when he was born he received about 60 gifts and I handwrote a card for everyone and I didnt just write thank you I wrote a personalised note in them all, it took forever and however lovely it was I said never again. Consequently since then (Christening and Christmas) I got some lovely photo cards made up and havent had any complaints, surely a thank you of some description is better than nothing.

for ds first birthday some presents came from aunts etc who i dont see, i intended to send thakyou notes but MIL said not to bother its very old fashioned! i didnt and now feel guilty ever since... next year i WILL be writing them and following years ds will be writing his own. obv for those that visited its not neccesary but for those aunts cousind etc who couldnt i think they should know their present was appreciated.

I insist on DD (5) writing thank you cards for birthdays and Xmas yet never receive any back with the exception of my brother's DD (my mother's influence obviously). The majority of people with children I know just say thanks in a text which I suppose is better than nothing but that is from the parent not the child so it's not teaching them anything. I've even seen the said children on Xmas day and birthdays and haven't even had a verbal thank you. To me it is very bad manners. Yes it is an effort to write thank you cards but so is choosing and paying for the gift in the first place.
Manners maketh and all that!!!

I think it's a shame that they're a 'thing of the past'. When effort is put into thinking what would be appreciated, buying, and wrapping it, especially more costly items, I think the least the receiver can do is say thanks, even if it is with a generic printed note or a text. It's a shame when there's no acknowledgement at all

I always send hand written thank you cards to people who give my daughter gifts. when she's old enough she'll write them herself, currently she colours a picture and writes her name.(She's not 4 yet) I work on the principle that I would like to receive an acknowledgement of my time and effort if I've given a gift, so I do the same for others. More often than not we don't receive thank you notes from my daughter's nursery friends, that's ok though as it's their choice not to send them.