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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we losing the art of thank you cards / letters

187 replies

sheeplikessleep · 19/01/2010 11:18

I know I'm being pedantic, but am I the only one who thinks a printed, generic 'thank you for our presents' card isn't as personal as a little handwritten card or letter with reference to what the present was!

AIBU to think more effort should be put in?

OP posts:
ruhavingalarf · 19/01/2010 13:36

My friend ( lives far away )who has 5 yo twins always sends a photo of them using the gift. I think its great, not sure how much longer she'll be able to do it tho.....

StealthPolarBear · 19/01/2010 13:43

I actually find it quite hard. Getting the cards, finding all addresses, thinking of what to write, writing it neatly (usually havea 4mo in my arms who grabs at the pen). Stamping & posting is the fun bit
Maybe I just need to be more organised

Freedomweekend · 19/01/2010 13:45

Seabright - I'm in the same position but with my db's kids. 3 ds's, I always send presents and put quite a lot of effort in and never, ever get a thank you. No, actually last year my db sent a generic 'thank you for all of ds's presents' text to everyone. I'm tempted just to give vouchers or money now.

I think it is incredibly rude to not thank someone. If the giver can be bothered to find a gift, wrap it and send it then the receiver should at least be bothered to acknowledge it and say thanks.

I think new baby presents also need acknowledging. Pre-printed cards are fine, but why not just write a sentence on each one? My dh and I divide them and write our own family/friends ones. Admittedly, I have to nag him about 350 times a day to do it.

I am fixated with writing thank you's and was writing them for my ds's (both under 3) on Boxing Day . As soon as they're able they'll do their own.

isoldeone · 19/01/2010 14:12

my dad always said to me in a black sense of humour way " always thank your auntie x because then she won't leave it all to the cat and dog home;0!"

I was always made to write thank you letters and loathed it.

However said auntie came to my wedding ( hadn't seen her for over 20 years - xmas and bday pressies had stopped at 18 ( fair enuff btw)- her gift was extremeley generous ( big big cheque- think 4 figures) and far beyond what anyone in close family had contributed. DH was flabbergasted and was almost actually not at all wanting to give it back!

I took a day off work to write all the thank yous forher and everyone else. About 30 odd little personal letters. Felt like writing an essay but I got it done.

Result was my mum and mil got so many thank yous and acknowlegements from her friends " ooh we got a lovely card from iso and dh" and this has pleased them no end so am in good books.

when baby came along recently - did it again but about 4 weeks after the birth and managed it with big handwriting to make it look like longer letter. noone mentioned those but the handmade pfb photo xmas cards to older relatives have garnered comments to my and mil and again -we are in the good books.

said above auntie has been thanked copiously again

TheSmallClanger · 19/01/2010 15:09

I try to call people at Christmas anyway, and that gives an opportunity to thank them for gifts, as well as a nice chance for a chat. I always make sure DD comes to the phone to day thankyou as well.

mattellie · 19/01/2010 16:02

We?re another family for who the writing of thank-yous is absolutely non-negotiable, and if I didn?t get thank-yous from nieces/nephews/godchildren for 2 years running, the presents would stop, I?m afraid. It?s just basic good manners.

sheeplikessleep there has been the odd occasion when during a hectic Christmas Day we?ve lost track of who got what from whom, resulting in a more generic thank-you letter. If you?ve ever get a generic from me, you?ll know it?s because I can?t be absolutely certain whether you gave the Power Ranger or the cuddly toy?

Galena · 19/01/2010 16:09

We sent personalised thankyou cards for our wedding gifts and DD's Christening gifts. However, Her Christmas gifts we either thanked the giver in person when opened or phoned them. We were always brought up to write letters to people we didn't see.

My nephew and niece always send lovely letters -
Dear xxx
Thankyou for my xxx. One other sentence about anything.
Love xxx

And a picture if you're lucky (but not coloured!)

UpYourViva · 19/01/2010 16:37

Oh dear, what sort of horrible person would write a generic thankyou card

This could be about the thankyou cards i sent out yesterday, it simply said 'thankyou very much for my present'. DD opened her presents and i stupidly forgot to take note of who got what

'tis not the end of the world though

hf128219 · 19/01/2010 16:41

Agree that the simplest way is to have a box of pretty cards,writing paper,stamps etc to hand.

I always write thank you letters - for presents for dd or for having dinner at someone's house.

Always have done - and always will.

It takes no more than 5 minutes!

Meglet · 19/01/2010 16:42

yanbu. I actually write out the envelopes and put them with blank cards / notelets just before the dc's birthdays / xmas so we can do them a few days after the event. I always note what the gift was and make the dc's do a scribble in the card.

I've only ever missed doing them once and even now I feel dreadful about it.

StealthPolarBear · 19/01/2010 16:45

no more than 5 mins per card (assuming you kno what to write). After Christmas the whole job took a couple of hours!
not complaining, i know it needs to be done as people are kind but just saying

hf128219 · 19/01/2010 16:50

Dear Plum

Just a short note to thank you for the wonderful dinner on Saturday night. The lamb was particularly delicious and the wine plentiful!

Ludo and I thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and hope to see you and Jonty in the not too distant future. Perhaps we could all get together at Ascot?

Thank you one again.

With my love

Suky xxx

That took me about just over a minute!

Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 19/01/2010 16:51

mattellie - i know, i appreciate present opening does pass by in a flash. i'm due in a few weeks, so am already thinking of the logistics of remembering who gave what to whom next christmas!

upyourviva - i'm not saying it's the end of the world or even a major thing. i just felt it was a little 'off' not to personalise it in any way shape or form (even a short note from her mum included to say 'hello and must catch up soon' would have been nice). it's fine when two people send each other generic thank you cards, but when one spends the time to write a letter and make it personal, then there is a difference in expectations or 'good manners' (whether they are right or wrong).

OP posts:
Original poster
sheeplikessleep · 19/01/2010 16:54

i really am becoming my mum, i never thought i'd ever type the words 'good manners'

OP posts:
sweetnsour · 19/01/2010 16:56

But don't you love getting letters? I use that to motivate me to write them.

This cracking piece tells you how to bash out a convincing women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article6966652.ecethank-you letter in moments...

I personally think 'The Art of a Good Letter' is that it doesn't kill either you or your kids to write them.

sweetnsour · 19/01/2010 16:57

Ooh, and I'm even better at useful links

ManicMother7777 · 19/01/2010 17:04

I completely agree with freedomweekend. Over the years I've lost count of the number of times I have put a lot of thought and effort into a gift only to either get no thanks - which is just plain rude and ill-mannered, or a generic thank you which is slightly better but still half-baked really. And TBH I don't really see that new mothers should be an exception. My dc moan like mad when I make them write letters but I still make them do it!

StealthPolarBear · 19/01/2010 17:05

i know hf
i think it just gets a bit repetitive and sounds insincere when i write "Thank you for the . DS will love playing with it. Thank you for the dress. DD will look lovely in it. hope you had a good christmas and are all well. love the bears"
need to look at those links for tips

CheerfulYank · 19/01/2010 17:09

I usually do:

Thank you so much for your present. DS really enjoys whateveritwas. Thanks again!

With a photo of DS playing/wearing/holding the gift.

This year I have been totally, but totally, neglectful in this area. DS and I are making Valentine's day cards, however. Would it be tacky to add: "DS is still having lots of fun with the tractor you gave him for Christmas. Thanks again!" ?

I was always made to do thank you letters as a child and my brother and I were quite favored by our great grandmother because of it.

hf128219 · 19/01/2010 17:11

Stealth

SOmething like this

Dear Charlie

It was really kind of you to get me the fantastic easel and paints for my Birthday! I am so excited about using them as they look great fun.

Next time I see you I will show you some of my new artwork.

Please also thank your mum and dad for bringing you to my party - and I hope you enjoyed yourself as much as I did.

Love from

Lola x

thumbwitch · 19/01/2010 17:13

I have never received a generic printed thank you card - not quite sure I would like it though.

I have to admit I sent email thank yous to all my wedding guests but in my defence my Mum had just died so it was the best option - I didn't get around to sending the proper ones for another 3 or 4 months and I didn't want people to think I was being ungrateful. And when they did go out, I carefully referenced the exact gift in the thank you letter.

I hated writing thank you notes when I was little - people used to get them in February, if they were lucky. My own fault - and I still do this - I felt I had to change the wording and make each letter different/individual, regardless of the fact that no one of the recipients was ever going to see anyone else's letter!

I will make DS write them when he is old enough but will probably suggest a template of wording to make it easier for him

booksgalore · 19/01/2010 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flyingcloud · 19/01/2010 17:20

"I think not writing thankyous is the height of laziness and rudeness. And there is no excuse in the world that anyone can trot out that could make me think otherwise. "

Fibilou, I totally agree, and hf I agree with you too. I have stacks of postcards and writing paper. It takes barely a minute to write a thank you letter and I always write for a dinner/present (even if I have thanked the giver in person, even when DH and I lived apart for three months, due to work, I wrote him a thank you letter for the weekends I spent with him and the dinners/presents he bought me, as my birthday fell during those three months).

I think a generic, printed thank you is worse than nothing. A personalised sentence shouldn't be too much to ask.

I recently read through all the letters sent to my mother after DH and I got married and they were just lovely - and they gave her so much pleasure. She keeps them and re-reads them every now and again.

I don't care where you come from or who you are, surely once you have received one thank you letter yourself you realise how polite they are and would want to start doing the same.

It was drilled into me as a child and I will do the same to mine.

StrictlyKatty · 19/01/2010 17:24

I wrote hand written, personalised, thanks you cards for my DS's 2nd birthday last week. Took a while and was quite expensive to order the personalised cards to write on but I think good manners are really important.

JustMoon · 19/01/2010 17:25

I think it's a lovely thing to do. My DS wrote about 10 thank you letters for him and his little brother to people who bought them Christmas presents. He is terrible at writing but it still didn't take him that long and I like to think that the people receiving them will appreciate it.