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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it is ridiculous to complain about someone's requests surrounding their newborn?

134 replies

BritFish · 19/01/2010 01:29

I was talking to a friend today who's SIL has just given birth. the family have all met the baby and made a fuss, and now her SIL and brother have asked for the family to give them a week by themselves with their new baby to enjoy being together without any interruptions.
my friend was practically OUTRAGED that her SIL would ban family for the first week of the baby's life, despite the fact the whole family got to see the baby the day after it was born, if not on the day!
she's acting as if the SIL is pushing the family away and being overcontrolling.
[she got to see the LO the day after, so its not as if she's missed out]
i thought that this was a lovely idea to have time just you and your partner and baby straight after birth! or is that just me?

OP posts:
jasper · 19/01/2010 01:31

it's a lovely idea if that is what you want.

Does your friend have children?

Original poster
BritFish · 19/01/2010 02:06

she has a DS [7] and a DD [12]
i thought it could be jealousy on her part but she really does feel very strongly!

OP posts:
VFemme · 19/01/2010 02:13

The SIL is perfectly entitled to her babymoon and I think your friend IBVU.

MadamDeathstare · 19/01/2010 02:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Olifin · 19/01/2010 08:35

I think your friend is being unreasonable. I had waaaay too many visitors when I'd just had my firstborn. I spent a lot of that time fighting back tears and wishing I could go and have a sleep/bath. I think the health and happiness of the mother have to come before family and friends' demands. They may feel put out but they'll cope FGS. They're just being selfish; it's not about them, whether they like it or not.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 19/01/2010 08:37

Your friend is definitely being unreasonable. It's up the parents how they want to handle things. My darlin DH arranged for all (close) friends and family to come over a few hours after I was out of hospital for two hours only. they were all gone by 7pm and we had a two week baby-moon. Bliss!

piscesmoon · 19/01/2010 08:39

As long as she has let them see the baby before the ban I don't think it is unreasonable. However I think it sad that she needs to be so controlling-but I expect it is her nature and they ought to be used to it by now.

Bucharest · 19/01/2010 08:39

Agree with pps. I had 23 people round my hospital bed, 4 of whom were girlfriends of dp's mates who I'd never met before or since.

When I came home we had a month or so of people turning up at all hours, yes, to be lovely and bring presents and bill and coo over dd, but as Olifin says, I just wanted to scream at them to leave me the fvck alone.

(the best was the couple, dear friends of ours, later to become dd's godparents, who turned up at 11.30pm after the pub, the night before we were leaving at 6am to drive to the airport to bring dd to the UK for the first time)

FlamingoBingo · 19/01/2010 08:41

Your friend is BVU. Time with just baby and no visitors is important - not controlling at all IMO. I wish we'd done it!

Olifin · 19/01/2010 08:43

But why shouldn't she have control over who come to her home when she has just given birth piscesmoon? I don't think that's unusually controlling, I really don't.

Personally, I spent the first day or so lounging around in a dressing gown sitting on one of those disposable nappy changing pads. Understandably I didn't feel comfortable with everyone seeing me like that. I think you can be quite vulnerable giving birth and for a time afterwards.

NaccetyMac · 19/01/2010 08:48

With some families, you need to be strict. With DC1, DH went back to work when DD was 3 days old. His mother turned up at 8.30am and stayed until DH asked her to leave at 6.30pm. During all that time, she didn't want the telly on (very sad, it was a Sabrina the Teenage Witch marathon ) and spent the whole day trying to make me give DD a bottle to "give me a break." I shudder at the memory. I didn't have the balls to ask her to go, I would now!

With DS1 PIL turned up when he was 45 minutes old (it was a hb) DH had to ask them to wait in the garden as I hadn't even had a shower at that point.

SO with DS2 we didn't even let anyone know for a couple of hours. And then said they could pop in for ten minutes. Maybe that's controlling, but I value my sanity and wanted to keep it!

Your friend is BU.

Olifin · 19/01/2010 08:51

Blimey Naccety, your ILs were very intrusive!

piscesmoon · 19/01/2010 08:57

I take my comment back-with some families I expect that you have to be strict! I never had 23 people around my hospital bed!

M44 · 19/01/2010 09:02

have had 4...all the family/close friends saw new baby very quickly...but once I was home no one really visited until dh went back to work. People asked and respected our privacy.Those first few days are so important..

FlamingoBingo · 19/01/2010 09:04

It's ironic, isn't it? Our family and friends were all very tentative about visiting whenever I had new babies. If I'd said 'not yet' they'd have said 'of course! Whenver you're ready'.

It's the ones who think they have a right to see a newborn and hang around who need the controlling 'no, leave us alone for a bit' demands and those are the ones you really don't want to come over!

sheeplikessleep · 19/01/2010 09:05

Oh Gawd, this thread is bringing it all back to me and I'm expecting our DS2 in 9 weeks time.

I offended my SIL (my DH had to have a heated discussion) as she (and her DH and 2 kids) wanted to stay 3 days immediately after baby born. It was like some sort of negotiation, horrible. Then, when they did visit, their kids (and SIL to an extent!) were fighting and whining over who was going to hold OUR DS first

AGhhhhhh!!!

Coldhands · 19/01/2010 09:20

We had close family visiting in the hospital but once we got home we were very overwhelmed and totally exhausted so we said no visitors for a few days. Didn't stop some asking though but we couldn't handle it. Even when we did have a few, there were certain ones that I wished had stayed away longer (ok only 1) as it was the worse day for me and I felt I had to sit there listening when all I wanted to do was go and lay down. Now I would just do it. I also had a third degree tear and was in quite a lot of pain so just found sitting there very awkward but I soooo stupidly didn't say anything, oh the benefit of hindsight!

Your friend is being very very unreasonable btw. Show her this thread!!

thesecondcoming · 19/01/2010 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upahill · 19/01/2010 09:21

After I had DS1 my DH arranged it (with my permission) that my close friend could visit the lunch time after he was born and my parents would visit that night. The reason was the lunch time visit was short and my friend who was absoultley skint had to get a couple of buses to the hospital that cost her £7.00 return. A fortune 13 years ago and a lot of money she couldn't really afford but wanted to do. Also the route was restricted in the evening and it would have been hard for her to get home. My family on the other hand had a 120 mile round trip.

It made sense for them to come up for the evening visit which lasted much longer. Fair enough? I thought so.

No- mum, dad, sister (who I never see) her young son, nan and grandad all rolled up at lunch time! My poor friend was virtually ignored. I was angry (also tired and had stomach ache and stuff) and mum later said ' My god, you had a sour face, you would have thought you weren't pleased to see us. Your're friends are more important than your're family blah blah ffeckin' blah' and still brings it up now from time to time when she is off on one.

That SIL has her head screwed on the right way!!

evanshayleyleanne · 19/01/2010 09:30

Its not bu at all to ask for some time. I love my family, i am part of a large extended family and we are very close, my brothers children are like siblings to my dd as are my sisters children. However because we are so involved in each others lives when i had my dd i did ask for some time alone with her- otherwise i'd have had them over every half an hour. More than that, straight after i'd had her(before the requested babymoon), i arranged a time table, so that they wouldn't all descend upon me at once. Controlling? Perhaps. But necessary for me and gracefully accepted by my family as my choice.

troublewithtalk · 19/01/2010 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sheeplikessleep · 19/01/2010 09:58

That's the difference though isn't it - "gracefully accepted". My own family I will happily ask them for a bit of space, without fear of offending them or causing an argument and am totally appreciative when they bring meals / visit at 12 weeks and ask if I want to sleep in the evening whilst they try to placate my colicy baby. I felt when they did visit, that they were as interested in my wellbeing as much as the new baby.

BUT, when other family members are just keen to get some cuddles in and that is it, without actually considering the impact of when / for how long they visit / how many visit at once / comments whilst they do visit and cannot take some constructive requests for a little bit of 'space' without getting all offended, it's just rude isn't it.

sheeplikessleep · 19/01/2010 10:01

PS my family did visit before 12 weeks as well, just to say, their involvement almost stepped up when they could see how hard we were finding things.

chocolaterabbit · 19/01/2010 10:06

I've got a big family as well and a very involved matriachal mum. With DD, she was going to be around when Iwas in labour in case it went on a bit and DH needed a break. As it happened she arrived 10 mins after DD was born while I was being stitched up and she held DD. I eventually got to hold her about an hour later. Didn't help Bf much. There was also a competitive timetable of people coming to visit who 'didn't want to interfere' by putting the kettle on or doing some washing up so just sat on the sofa. Grr.

With DS, we didn't tell anyone when he was born except DD. We let everyone else know the next day so we had some uninterrupted time. My DB and SIL did come down on day 3 but I stayed in bed with DS and left them to entertain DD... that worked well.

MrsMattie · 19/01/2010 10:09

YANBU. Totally agree. Birth is an overwhelming experience in itself and adjusting to parenthood in those first few days can bring up all sorts of weird feelings. I think people should respect that and indulge new parents just a little bit in whatever it is they want to do during that period.