To think that it is ridiculous to complain about someone's requests surrounding their newborn?

[BritFish]

I was talking to a friend today who's SIL has just given birth. the family have all met the baby and made a fuss, and now her SIL and brother have asked for the family to give them a week by themselves with their new baby to enjoy being together without any interruptions.
my friend was practically OUTRAGED that her SIL would ban family for the first week of the baby's life, despite the fact the whole family got to see the baby the day after it was born, if not on the day!
she's acting as if the SIL is pushing the family away and being overcontrolling.
[she got to see the LO the day after, so its not as if she's missed out]
i thought that this was a lovely idea to have time just you and your partner and baby straight after birth! or is that just me?

but the term babymoon... ick

A baby is not a toy for the wider family fGS. Your friend is being unreasonable. It's nice for people to meet the baby - which they have allowed, but GROW UP (to your friend).

I think is a simple case of each to their own and that has to be respected.

It's not something I would choose to do but they have every right to do it. Best for your friend not to get too upset ... life's too short! That week will fly by!

I will be having a babymoon next time!!! I had 6 of my family in the delivery suite within an hour of DD1 being born just when I was starting to BF and everyone had their cameras out!! I was not impressed! When we got home it got worse......my parents were sadly going through a horrible break up and mum just wouldn't leave one night which caused a massive row (which was my fault I was being selfish!). I felt for my mum especially as she got to be there at DD1s birth but the three of us needed some time together on our own and I also was desperate for a shower and an early night! Then FIL came over from France (just as my milk was coming in) and stayed for a few days! Needed that like a hole in the head! For the next fortnight or so people would just turn up and I'd end up making tea all day and lunch for people!!! Just horrendous. I know everyone is desperate for newborn cuddles and head sniffing but next time it will be my nearest and dearest ONLY for a very limited time and they will all have chores!

The kindest and most supportive thing family and friends can do on the birth of a baby is to stay away, and instead send a message congratulating the couple and saying how much they would like to see the newborn but will be entirely guided by the new mum & dad as to when is a good time. If they really wanted to show their support friends and family would fork out for a gift voucher or equivalent for a post natal doula for a week or so after the birth (whilst they keep away) so that the new mum truly has the practical support and help she needs and if they cannot afford this then send with their message a few kind words about being willing to babysit, do small bits of housework, pick up shopping etc if the new parents want to email or call them, all on a no obligation basis.
With this type of offer of practical help I am guessing that those types of family / friends would be first on the list of people the new parents would want to see once they were ready. There are so many little ways you can show thoughtfulness, even down to ensuring if you send flowers that they come in a upright stand of water so that if the new mum does not have time to find a vase it does not matter. Sadly most family and friends are just thinking of themselves and a chance to cuddle the newborn irrespective of how the parents are feeling and don't give a monkeys about how tired/possibly in pain/emotional etc the new parents might feel. I found that even my mum had clearly "forgotten" what it was like to have a newborn (even tho I was one of four) in the rush to "come and see". It sounds ungrateful but it really is not, and it is a test of true friendship if friends/family are able to put themselves in the new parents shoes for a minute. The only exception might be someone who either has recently had a newborn themselves and knows exactly what it is like and the new parents trust them - so they can take the baby as and when newmum wants so newmum can go to the loo / have a shower etc - ie someone experienced but sensitive. If you are not in that category then the best gift you can give the new family is to stay away until you are expressly invited

Too many visitors can be a complete nightmare but running the gauntlet of relatives with digital cameras must be a truly appalling intrusion. Why hospitals allow these amateur paparazzi shoots I simply don't know! I've recently been gobsmacked by the appearance, on Facebook, of pictures featuring someone I know in the second stages of labour! Poor girl looks as worn out as you'd expect after 22 hours.

It's a good idea banning people for the first week. There's a lot to get through physically and emotionally; e.g emergency trips to buy huge feeding bras, working out what you really think about having a new baby when the first one is being weird, pooing for the first time...)

I think people should be very gentle about visiting mothes and fathers with new babies.
(And new borns aren't hugely interesting anyway!!)

I'd highly recommend a book called Baby Wisdom by Deborah Jackson: fascinating book about parenting methods in the first year of a baby's life across different races across the world. Can't remember the full details but across loads of different religions, ethnic groups, races etc there is a commonality of a generally accepted period of seclusion for (usually) first 40 days of a baby's life. This 40 day period also ties neatly into the physiological changes the mother goes through....eg changes milk production etc as well as the child.....ie after 40 days both are better equipped to face the world. Maybe you could buy a copy for your SIL!

(Book starts with nice comparison between what mothers in the Congo (?) get when pregnant in preparation for the birth....its a single piece of animal skin that is used for everything......as a blanket, a carrying sling to transport, a swaddling cloth, a sling in which to feed, a bed sheet, a teether, something to pull on during labour etc etc.......compared to a three paged list provided by a retail store in the US for things expectant mums should/must buy......a pram, a cot, a cradle, a mobile..........the list goes on and on and on.......!)

I wish we'd had the balls to ban MIL after our first was born. She made what should have been a special time a crap time with her tantrums and demands - she threw a wobbler because DH wouldn't wake the baby so she could 'talk' to her when she was 2 days old

I am loving this thread as DH and I have been in a quandry about how to manage my mum over the course of the impending birth of DD1 - her first grandchild.

She actually wants to be at the birth but understands now that that ain't gonna happen.

She now wants us to ring her as soon as I go into labour so that she can prepare to come to visit (they are 3 hrs away). We have decided not to do this and will ring them after DD is born and once we have had a little bit of time as a family.

Visitors will be allowed the next day - my parents and sister initially, then BILs and families. After that we will ask to be left well alone for the remainder of DH's paternity leave!

Thanks ladies for all these horror stories which have given me the confidence to stick to my guns on this one!

I quite fancied the idea of a babymoon after we talked about it in our antenatal classes. Thought it sounded quite romantic, just me, DH and our PFB all having picnics in bed together and snuggling in a rosy glow. Told parents this was the plan and they were ok with it, if a bit nonplussed.

As it happened, ended up having forceps and episiotomy and was completely shell-shocked. Couldn't walk from pain from stitches, wept with pain when pooing, and desperate for someone else to hold the baby so I could sleep. I was in pieces. DH called my mum who came straight over (to London from Cornwall) and ended up staying for 2 weeks. I have never been more happy to see her.

In retrospect the idea of trying to get through your first birth without some kind of help such as your mum or someone to look after you and DH, make food, etc., seems completely bananas. But our antenatal teacher seemed to think it was a good idea!

Having said that, if the in-laws had been pushy it would have been a different story. They were very kind and just visited for an hour, and I held court from my bed. Not much chance of doing anything else, I couldn't sit up!

I had five days in bed with my baby after his birth and then the onslaught happened (dh and I are both from Ireland).

We had a succession of visitors flying in and tbh it was too early, given that I had a very painful rotational forceps delivery and couldn't sit up no matter how much I tried and we were having early breastfeeding difficulties, meaning I had been told to express after every feed, which were a maximum of two hours apart. We held it together for the parents' trip but my sister arrived to find me in floods of tears strapped to a breastbump on the bed with my dh holding a screaming baby in one hand and massaging my boob with the other. We were so beyond politeness at that stage! She took it with good grace, as if it were the most natural thing in the world for me to have my baps out and manhandled at 5pm on a snowy Tuesday afternoon

So yeah, anyone who says you should be up for visitors should take a flying leap. The truth is you are unlikely to have a clue if you will manage visitors well or poorly before the delivery, as it's so dependent on how you and baby are physically.. and that's before you take breastfeeding into account, if that's what you're doing. Next time, they can come all they want, but they'll already have a grandchild to occupy them and I won't be shy about asking for help with household chores. But I bet they won't be nearly so enthusiastic for the second!

I am with those who are pro baby-moon.

I remember feeling absolutely exhausted after DS was born and everyone comes over with the intention of only staying an hour or so and it was really hard to get rid of them. DH was a nightmare and invited round everyone. I put up with it because I knew how excited and happy he was but really needed time to recover with just me and DH.

Am pro Babymoon - We had one week for each or our babies - we allowed no visitors even grandparents to visit us for the whole for the first week with each of our children. It was much more relaxing. As relaxed as you can be when you realise the nutters at the hospital have let you go home with a baby. Especially given that despite going to all the classes and reading all the books you have no idea what you are doing I know if my children have grandchildren I will be desperate to see them but I will respect their wishes, after all it their baby.

This thread is really interesting for me.

I'm due my 1st DC in 6 weeks time, and am starting to think about all these things, like visitors, getting home from hospital etc. Is good to read about other people's experiences.

I have a few questions though....

For those of you who had visitors come quickly to the hospital and get in your way, did you tell them that you'd gone into labour and invite them up to the hospital? Or did they find out from your DP/DH and barge on in?

People who had lots of visitors in the early days: were these people who normally visit you a lot, or random visits following the birth of your baby from people who don't often visit?

Just wondering about all these things....

Gosh, I stayed in hospital for 5 days with my first child and I refused to allow anyone to come and visit - my DH was only there for the first night, that was it.

I enjoyed that time, just me and my son, adjusting to being a mum. I'm glad I took the time.

I did go and stay with my parents afterwards for a couple of weeks though and saw DH's family too.

oh that's not unreasonable, it's fantastic, wish we had been like that with our 1st child. I remember the day my milk came in (hopeless we were at bf but that's another thing)we had two families visit at the same time, all asking how we were, is she feeding okay, etc. I vanished upstairs with babe and a box of kleenex oh and 2 pieces of cheesy toast, sitting trying to bf in bed with boobs the size of watermelons dripping everywhere, sore cracked nipples and a hungry baby, after episiotomy and 3rd degree tear. i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, wallowing in, "what are they doing here?" "just go away!" If by some chance i was pregnant again, heaven forbid, i would have a big sign on the door, go away unless you are my mum or a pizza delivery man!!!!!!

Have skimmed the thread so if I get this very wrong then please forgive,
but

my lovely B & SiL have just had a baby and IMO
The new little chap is theirs, it is up to them who meets him and when, it is MOST important that they don't feel bamboozeled by family wishes for x y or z and just get on and learn how to be parents.

we requested a break from everyone and DH was all prepared to be firm once DS1 was born and yet all we wanted to do was show people what we had made.. that was how we felt, and in that circumstances how we felt was the ONLY thing that mattered.

YANBU it is totally rediculous to complain about what a new mother and father want for their family.

Dh, ds1 and I went to Spain for 2 weeks when he was 2 weeks old. Best thing we ever did as it was amazing bonding time for the 3 of us on our own.
Other pros were I didn't mind whacking a boob out on the beach to feed as everyone else has theirs out. Also no sleep with sun is much more fun than just no sleep.

I think if you are fairly assertive and have sensible relatives it isn't a problem.
I think the main thing is getting husband to agree a strategy with you. It's no good you wanting a peaceful time after delivery if husbnad won't leave his mobile at home and tells everyone the moment you go into labour and won't tell his side of the family what you want to do.
We had no fixed rules (apart from asking relatives not to keep phoning us in the days before baby expected and not telling them until several hours after the birth) and it was fine. Our relatives are sane though.
My mum later told me she'd got round the relatives asking when it's due problem by telling them she was due 2 weeks after she really was.
If I had had hassly relatives I might have been inclined to go for that approach.

A good lesson to be learned here..... always tell people your due date is two weeks later than it really is! At least then if you decide you'd quite like some company after a few days solitude, you can just tell them the baby was a bit early

2rebecca, how spooky - crossed posts saying exactly the same thing! Obviously the way to go then

If they need it, you friend should give them some S P A C E. They've got the baby's whole life ahead of them to make a fuss.

We didn't ban visitors...I just refused to leave my bed for a week after DD2 was born. Seeing me flopped half naked over my bed with a still gooey (we didn't bath her til she was a week old) DD was enough to keep any visit really short!

I highly reccomend the tactic for anyone who doesn't do confrontation!

much as SWMNBN is generally not approved of on MN one thing I do remember from reading her CLB book is that she believes it is not advisable to have loads of visitors with new mum passing baby over to be held by all and sundry in the earliest days.

Think of it as being important for the baby and just say no. I did.

BritFish, your friend needs someone to enlighten her, are you up for it ?