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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it is ridiculous to complain about someone's requests surrounding their newborn?

134 replies

BritFish · 19/01/2010 01:29

I was talking to a friend today who's SIL has just given birth. the family have all met the baby and made a fuss, and now her SIL and brother have asked for the family to give them a week by themselves with their new baby to enjoy being together without any interruptions.
my friend was practically OUTRAGED that her SIL would ban family for the first week of the baby's life, despite the fact the whole family got to see the baby the day after it was born, if not on the day!
she's acting as if the SIL is pushing the family away and being overcontrolling.
[she got to see the LO the day after, so its not as if she's missed out]
i thought that this was a lovely idea to have time just you and your partner and baby straight after birth! or is that just me?

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 19/01/2010 19:30

BritFish - that is exactly what dh and I did after the birth of our first dc. It was blissful . Our wishes were respected, and if anyone didn't liek it - they kept shtum about it.

IMO the friend is BU.

I wonder whether she has any children herself?

Feierabend · 19/01/2010 19:49

Oh dear When my SIL had her first baby, I thought she was being silly and selfish for wanting a babymoon. Now I've had two babies myself, I take it all back. You just need that quiet time to heal and get to know the baby.

mayorofwhoville · 19/01/2010 19:54

I still hate it when people just drop in!

Hubby did a v good job with the arrivals of both of ours. Each time he kept visitors to a minimum!

oranges · 19/01/2010 19:57

days after ds was born, as i was still in agony from stiches, all my inlaws turned up at 9pm with a cake to celebrate sil's birthday. i just sat there alone as they all toasted her, and then piled into the next room where dh had taken ds to try to get him to sleep. then my fil popped back into the room I was sitting to tell me my job was done and they could take over from here.

crankytwanky · 19/01/2010 19:59

Your friend is being VU.

Wilsybear, that happens ALL THE TIME! Mothers, MILs, neighbours, great-aunt Whassername, all calling the labour ward demanding to know why the dad/labouring mum isn't answering their mobile and demanding I get them on the phone!
You can't give out details, so can't even say "she's got a babies head coming out of her fanjo, you donut!"

chegirlsgotheartburn · 19/01/2010 20:02

I think I have got off pretty lightly by the sound of it

With DC4 I had a few ILs come round. I had an attack of the shakes (coming down with mastitius) and it took me about an hour to stop shivering.

I decided to go up to bed about 9.30.
ILs were fine with this but SIL said 'oh are you taking him with you?' He was 2 days old!

I am not a helicopter mum but didnt think it was unreasonable to keep baby with me for a few days

helpYOUiWILL · 19/01/2010 20:13

i have been very lucky with my family. When they visited they brought the lunch with them and tided the house. Mum was (and still is!) ultra hands on so she got abit of a shock when she changed ds1 nappy for the first time and it was bright yellow - i was bottle fed.

The only person i had a problem with was a friend who couldnt take the hint to leave at 10pm at night and second time around "couldnt possibly wait" until after the weekend to come to visit as IT WAS INCONVIENIENT FOR HER !!

OneTwoBuckleMyShoe · 19/01/2010 20:29

Wow reading this we got off very lightly!

IL came over after we got home from hospital bringing food with them and proceeded to clean up things (we left in a rush!) and change sheets on bed etc for us and then left us to bond. My parents were due up the following day with my Mum coming back and staying for the week a week later to be our housekeeper (her stipulation) and she mainly took care of chores and had cuddles of DD when I needed a bath or a bit of a break, was lovely as it meant DH could split his paternity leave to be either side of Mum being up.

Bainmarie · 19/01/2010 20:32

Your friend is BU.

My parents turned up unexpected whilst I was still in hospital being induced - 'because we thought you must have had the baby by now' nope, was still waiting for dd to arrive and extremely pissed off about it!

Meglet · 19/01/2010 20:33

yanbu.

After my em cs with ds I was informed that P's parents were driving up from Cornwall immediately to see us . So a few hours later I was in the high dependency unit, exhausted and doped up on morphine and they arrived just in time to watch me throwing up in a sick bowl. I just wanted everyone to bugger off and leave me in peace. Then we had too many visitors at home too first time round. I was trying to bf ds and it was going horribly wrong, not helped by having visitors.

Second time round I had a planned cs and I made it quite clear everyone was to keep away and it worked. P's family didn't come for 3 weeks and my family (who live on the doorstep) popped by to help with ds, run errands and supply me with chocolate . It was bliss.

butterscotch · 19/01/2010 20:44

We did this and my outlaws were disgusted they saw dd at hospital the day she was born, the next day when i came home then we asked for no visitors so we could get used to each other! they were really put out and moaned and groaned the whole time! Didn't stop them phoning every day sometimes twice a day.....they are still interfering people now I think some people are just like that!

your friend is BVU her poor SIL.

fedup1981 · 19/01/2010 20:44

I think you should respect other people's wishes, your friend sounds quite unreasonable.

My mil, sil and her dp turned up as soon as we got home from hospital with ds, expecting to stay the night. They didn't tell us they were coming down, just rang us on the way. Then mil stayed 9 days and we didn't have a moment to ourselves.

This time round I'm not sure what to do. Mil doesn't drive so dp will either have to go immediately after the birth and get her and bring her back (8 hour round trip) OR she'll come down bringing other sil, bil and their two teenage dd's to stay.

I'd really like to say we'll come and visit you, but I know that won't be for at least 3 days after the birth as I'll need to have daily blood thinning injections from the hv and I'm not sure they'll accept that.

If I knew it was just mil, and she was just coming for a couple of days, it wouldn't be so bad! Having said that, this time she'll want to bring her dog who pisses everywhere and snaps at my toddler.

bea · 19/01/2010 20:49

each to their own!

some people might prefer to be left well enough alone and it is their choice and you should just respect their wishes...

however i am of the other ilk and would have welcomed the whole street to come and visit and stay and have a cup of tea when i'd had my babies... i loved that close family and friends could all pop in for an oooo and ahhh!

i file this away with the 'do you like people to pop in for a visit unannounced or do you like to be well informed in advance' preference... and me? for the record, loves unnanounced visitors, brightens up the day... (but then again i suppose, depends who it is!

weegiemum · 19/01/2010 20:55

When I was pg with dc1 my MIL booked flights to come and visit us for a fortnight - the weeks before and after my due date. Without telling us she was doing it.

When dh called her back (she phoned and told me and I was too to say anything) to tell her to cancel the flights (she didn't have to fly, she could have driven but it was a long trip) and we would let her know after the baby was born when it was suitable for her to come for a few days (not 2 bloody weeks!) she was so upset that she had to take almost a week off work because she was so upset about being "not wanted".

Then she couldn't get the money back as she had booked non-refundable flights. I was terrified she would show up anyway, but luckily she didn't.

Lotster · 19/01/2010 21:03

Your friend is obv BU and I suspect has nose out of joint as it's her SIL calling the shots, whereas she feels she has a right because it's her brothers child too IYSWIM?

It's easy for mothers of older children to sometimes forget the reasons for this time (bonding, breastfeeding, sleeping, healing, looking shit without caring) and scream "PFB!" which is unfair, and un-sisterhood-like.

Now if she was clever, she'd knock on the door with a casserole, claim she wasn't stopping, and guilt her way in!

MadamDeathstare · 19/01/2010 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lotster · 19/01/2010 21:11

Fed up - for the love of god say no!!!! You will never get those first precious few days back. After my first, I had visitors every day for 10 days, whilst I sat on a rubber ring with PND and I swore not to allow it again. So second baby I told everyone I had overstretched myself last time and I'd let them know.
It was so much easier than I thought saying it, and actually it was nice to ring up people when I wanted and invite them over.

Weegie

I must never be a controlling MIL!!

youcantlabelme · 19/01/2010 21:12

A little off track here, but when I had my first DC, I had the world and his aunt all crowded round my hospital bed that same night and for the week I was in.DD was a real cryer and I was all over the place, being first time mum.

with 2nd DC on hiw way, made it known way in advance, that I did not want all and sundry visiting- so had a bit of a shock when due to complications had to stay in for nearly a week again, DS slept nearly the whole week and I was desperate for people to talk to.

Our hospital chuck you out after only a few hours if you're well enough for it, so one day, I was the only person in the whole 12 bed ward!!

Friend being a BU methinks though.

fedup1981 · 19/01/2010 21:34

Lotster, I just keep thinking how much trouble and bad feeling it will cause if I refuse to have her/them here. I don't mind my mil, I just mind anyone staying over for several days without asking. I bloody mind her dog though.

Hmm. I might say "mil, I'd love you to come and stay for a couple of days but please don't bring your dog" (she lives with someone who can look after it) - the dog is her baby so it'd probably ensure she only stayed a day or two in order to get back to it! Sneaky, I like it!!

Kathyjelly · 19/01/2010 21:41

I agree with most of the posts here.

After giving birth, no-one is at their best, stitches or the after effects of a c-section or just plain exhaustion mean you do not want to have to look your best or produce endless cups of tea for visitors.

Holing up, taking the phone off the hook and having some private time is completely reasonable and to be fair is basic instinct. How many new mums in the animal world are very social while they have new-borns. That's usually when they are at their most dangerous.

littlemisslozza · 19/01/2010 21:46

My lovely, but incredibly impatient, aunty turned up at the hospital when I was being induced (was having contractions at this point). She brought my 16 year old male cousin with her, it was highly uncomfortable - I didn't want to see them and my poor cousin was so embarrassed but a bit too wet to tell his mum he wasn't going with her!! SHe then said that she would be in at 9am the following morning to see the baby as she had to go back home (an hour away). We explained that morning visiting was just for the new dads and any siblings which she was quite put out about as she would get to meet DS1 until he was about 5 days old!
On the day I planned to leave hospital she told my mum she would wait for DH and I at home when we arrived back. Thankfully my mum realised that this would not be the homecoming I'd want, especially after a forceps delivery and 5 days in hospital establishing bf with a very sleepy, jaundiced baby. She came to see me at afternoon visiting before I left and it was lovely - but slightly marred by the impulsive visit when I was being induced, and general impatience to cuddle the baby.

I think some people get carried away when a new baby arrives and forget how overwhelming it can be the first time. When I had DS2 it took a week for her to visit - it was such a novelty!

MadamDeathstare · 19/01/2010 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nappyaddict · 19/01/2010 21:50

Lotster When did you have visitors with your 2nd?

esthermate · 19/01/2010 21:50

I remember creating a scene and getting tearful in front of people as I felt like I hadn't had a moment to myself after the baby was born. Next time I have a baby, I am just going to tape a big notice to the door saying 'Bugger Off'

Lotster · 19/01/2010 21:50

Fedup- poor you, it is ridiculous of them to think several people can turn up to stay! And then reasonable people like you worry about offending them but they dont stop to think. I hate situations like that..

Perhaps you should face facts that she's coming, but get in first and tell her when, then sugar coat it! E.g. "mil, I'd really appreciate a bit of support from (just) you, x (choose amount) of days after the birth, will you come and stay? Only I have a friend/relative coming two days after so it'll be a two day trip for you. Ta ever so"

Possibly add that said friend/relative is dog allergic so residual hairs would be a problem!!

Just vexes me when people think they have rights to invade your home, with no thought for what shape you might be in.

I read a great quote about this situation: "Good friends arrive with a casserole and disappear shortly after with a bag of your laundry.."

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