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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it is ridiculous to complain about someone's requests surrounding their newborn?

134 replies

BritFish · 19/01/2010 01:29

I was talking to a friend today who's SIL has just given birth. the family have all met the baby and made a fuss, and now her SIL and brother have asked for the family to give them a week by themselves with their new baby to enjoy being together without any interruptions.
my friend was practically OUTRAGED that her SIL would ban family for the first week of the baby's life, despite the fact the whole family got to see the baby the day after it was born, if not on the day!
she's acting as if the SIL is pushing the family away and being overcontrolling.
[she got to see the LO the day after, so its not as if she's missed out]
i thought that this was a lovely idea to have time just you and your partner and baby straight after birth! or is that just me?

OP posts:
galadriel77 · 19/01/2010 21:52

Your friend is being VU! It sounds as if her SIL has asked for the week to themselves to deal with people like her - they obviously know what she is like and are nipping it in the bud now.

I don't remember being overwhelmed with visitors but my parents were posted to Cyprus when DD1 was born. Dad could only take a certain amount of leave so they waited until the baby was born and then came over asap - probably met her when she was 4 weeks old.

With DD 2 we stopped by my MIL on the way home as she was looking after DD2 and she fed me tea and biscuits which was lovely.

I never had any visitors in hospital other than H - even DD1 didn't come in to visit DD2 as I was literally only in 24 hours in both cases.

I think I made it quite clear than anyone coming to visit was expected to make their own cup of tea - and one for me - and clear up after themselves. And if they could manage to take either the dog or DD1 (or both) out for a walk I would love them forever.

I am expecting DD3 in a couple of weeks time and I have told my H that it would be really nice to perhaps have a few visitors in hospital and that I am expecting a bunch of flowers this time. As it is my last baby I want a bit of fuss! My mum will be staying as well so I think he will have to bring her in to visit with DD1 and DD2 - as long as I am in long enough to have visitors.

Maybe I am lucky in that MIL is so lovely. Had 3 kids herself and has 7 grandchildren already - this one will be their 8th! She is great and just starts randomly folding washing or ironing whenever she comes around - which is usually never unannounced. Also brings coooked meals as well so I never mind when she knocks on the door!!

littlemisslozza · 19/01/2010 21:52

oops, wasN'T such a novelty

MamaGoblin · 19/01/2010 21:54

We sort of got round the family-visits-at-home thing by me being in hospital waiting for my BP to go down for over a week! My parents came virtually every day and I looked forward to that (they brought M&S salads and FRUIT!) and my PIL were staying locally and also came round pretty much daily - I didn't enjoy that as much but frankly, a safe pair of ahnds taking DS off for an hour or so while I grabbed some sleep was heaven.

I don't remember them coming round all the time when we got back. If things had gone normally, I'm quite sure I'd have been beating both sets off with a stick - although I felt a bit 'captive audience' in hospital, since I wans't going anywhere, I think it was easier to have my space invaded than if we'd all gone home earlier.

Next time around, I fantasise that we won't even tell anyone until a couple of days have elapsed... (not sure what we'd do with DS, mind.)

SpeedyGonzalez · 19/01/2010 21:57

Oh dear, I can imagine at least one member of my extended family doing this.

OP, YANBU. Your friend is being self-centred and should pull her head out of her arse.

However, the word 'babymoon'???? Boakety-boak.

SE13Mummy · 19/01/2010 22:39

When DD2 was born we told only the friend that was going to look after DD1 that I was in labour so no surprise visits could happen. She was born at 0200 so at a sensible time in the morning I called my parents and let DH call his when he'd woken; both sets were told they could pop in during visiting hours if they wanted but we told them the visiting time started later than it did so they weren't there for ages and ages. Other family knew we'd see them at some point and as none are local just arranged to see us at some point which suited us perfectly.

5 years before that at Christmas DD1 was 3 weeks old and everyone had made it clear before she was born that they'd like to see her over Christmas. We invited everyone for a 4 hour 'bring and share' lunch so those who wanted to coo over her could but that it wouldn't require a massive co-ordination effort (or any washing up as they all took home the dish their contribution had been brought along in).

gumblossom · 19/01/2010 23:56

I asked for two weeks when we had our fifth child.I just wanted a chance for us as a family to bond with the new baby. Sadly family just wouldn't listen to this request and visited anyway.It made me sad and angry that they couldn't honour and respect our needs over their desires.

If I'm lucky enough to have another baby I will try abit harder to have them heed my request.In fact I may just keep the birth a secret for a couple of weeks!If only....

SolidGoldBrass · 19/01/2010 23:58

I think people vary in what they want - I was glad of visitors the day after DS arrived, was pissed off and lonely in hospital (and they didn't feed me grr). And I went from hospital to my parents' home, which I had previously arranged, was terrified of being alone in my tiny messy flat with a newborn. so very glad of family support. But what I do think is that what matters is the wishes of the new mum, whether she wants family all around or isolation for a while.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 20/01/2010 00:05

This thread has reminded me that when DS was born, two friends turned up to visit me and I was incredibly unwelcoming - happened to meet them in the corridor as I was taking a little walk round the ward(was in for 5 days post cs) and DH was in my room with ds.....I wouldn't let them come in to see him! Told them that ds was having a check over with the dr!

I was cross with them for coming when they were not friends I saw often at all, probably only saw them maybe twice a year and had never ever been close to them, just friends you meet in the pub and make small talk with. I felt cross and vulnerable and completely over protective.

I suppose what I'm saying is, it was no big deal to them just a point of interest in the day to have a look at a newborn, but to me I was the most intensely hormonal and vulnerable I've ever felt in my life.

So no one is BU, in my view, to ask for time alone without visitors after a birth, and requests ought to be respected.

WonderBundlesMommy · 20/01/2010 00:24

Didn't read the whole thread but your friend is BVU. When DS was born, after the hospital visits where everyone met him, DH and I decreed no visitors for THREE weeks and made no exceptions.

It was wonderful for the three of us to have this time and DH and I still look on it as one of our most fond baby memories...I also think it is an important time for a new family to bond and learn.

I had only one "friend" who did not take this well...and we are no longer friends. It is so not about your friend and she is being very selfish.

WonderBundlesMommy · 20/01/2010 00:30

Oooh, just read the thread, glad someone mentioned it as I was confused at first -
am in Canada and "babymoon" means something entirely different than this thread here...

lindy100 · 20/01/2010 09:25

I am so about some of the people on here who totally disrespect new parents' wishes.

I would tell anyone where to go.

Luckily I have v understanding local PIL and parents who live three hours' drive away and aren't that fussed!

My niece was a pain though - SIL and her two kids visited when dd was three weeks old and all 9 yr old niece did was moan she wasn't getting enough cuddle time and kiss dd's head while I was bf. And knock on the bedroom door at 6am to come in for a cuddle (admittedly a normal practice before dd's birth). I stayed shut in my room till 11am!

Thinking about it now, my sister should have done more to stop her

FanjolinaJolie · 20/01/2010 10:21

Yes, good suggestion earlier in the thread...only let visitors in if they have brought a home-backed meal and some baking, and then they may stay for 30 mins and that is all!! And take the ironing away with them to drop back at a later date.

hazeyjane · 20/01/2010 10:27

I don't think I could have coped with any visitors after dd1, 3rd degree tear, nightmare breastfeeding, breasts out all the time, because nipples bleeding and painful, bled constantly. I just wanted dh and dd1 and me. My mum was amazing when I had dd2, bought dd1 in with her, then just sat and cuddled dd1 and 2 in turn, she was lovely. I guess I'm not a big fan of random visitors, but only because they always seem to turn up at a bad moment!

LittleWhiteWolf · 20/01/2010 10:32

I think its comepletely up to the parents in this case and that no decision they make could possibly be unreasonable.

We only had a few visitors in the hospital with DD due to the strict hospital rules, which suited us fine.

When we got home we did have a lot of visitors, but we limited how many came at one time and no-one stayed too long. Mind you we did have visitors who lived quite a way away so we were happy to have them around for a bit longer. We never had visitors two days running and we quite enjoyed showing DD off.
Of course, our guests were all very respectful and considerate so we didnt have a need to be firm.

June2009 · 20/01/2010 10:53

Your friend is BU, she probably doesn't like this sil very much and is just using this as an excuse to be outraged at her iyswim.

Either that or they are usually very close and she's offended not to be part of the "inner circle".

zippyzapper · 20/01/2010 11:51

she is bu.

It is such a precious time - it is up to the mum and dad how they choose to get their baby. so many visitors seem to just get besotted by the baby but they do not seem to be any practical help to the parents.

zippyzapper · 20/01/2010 11:52

oops - how they choose to get to know their baby ...

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 20/01/2010 11:58

When DS2 was born we had recently moved to a new area and I knew no one. MIL had, had an op and so couldn't travel and FIL didn't want to come on his own. When DS was 2 weeks old I was so desperate to see people that I got DH to drive me for 3 hours to go and visit where we used to live and take the baby round. It nearly killed me, but it might have saved my sanity.

A week later we drove the 5 hour trip to visit PILs for the weekend.

With hindsight I think I could have been seen as unreasonable by MIL for visiting friends before her. But she never said a word about it and was just pleased we had made the journey.

I think my MIL would have had a right to feel agrieved, but instead she understood that I was focused on me. Your friend, on the other hand, OP is being a brat.

I wonder if there is a correlation between those who get time alone to bond with their baby (or see as many people as they want to) and PND sufferers.

Lotster · 20/01/2010 12:04

Sorry Nappaddict, missed your post before!

I had a short visit in hospital from my parents, one of my sisters, and one of my best friends as it was easier/nearer for them to come than when I was at home.

Then when I got home, no-one (officially) for a week, but when I felt like it, I rang up the odd person and said pop over which they happily did. Visited in-laws who are four hours away about 6 weeks later - they were happy with this as they have no desire to visit "that there London" and knew I'd had a c/s to recover from.

So I didn't really have no visitors for a week, but that way I got to see the people I could face, when it was convenient.

hubbabubbababba · 20/01/2010 12:07

God, some of your families need to learn that its not all about them! I didnt tell anyone I was in labour and we only told people 3 hours after dd was born that there was a new addition to the family.

HarriedWithChildren · 20/01/2010 12:23

Defo BU but like others have said it may be because she hasn't a DC ot just a temperament thing.

I remember those days so well, the awe and staring at DC1, more love for DH than I thought possible and of course pain and more pain. I'm glad we had them mostly to ourselves. You don't quite the same cocoony time with subsequent DCs do you?

I also remember the horror of not being sure I could get up from the sofa in front of guests because the lactulose was taking effect and just the effort of standing could be too much for my poor badly torn sphincters, baby blues crying in the bath because I had nowhere else to do it (DH was asleep in bed and I didn't want to bother him and mum was napping on the sofa and if she saw crying she'd still be scrutinising me for signs of non-existing PND 3 years later) and my dad just reverently staring at me trying to bf as if we were the madonna and child.

It all seems quite funny now.

catsdontscreetch · 20/01/2010 12:42

We had to wait a month before we could bring DD home (not long compared to some I know) and after numerous telephone calls from MIL & SIL we told them we were taking the phone off the hook.

You need time to get used to an extra person in the house, I think I spent the 1st few days just looking at her.

MillieMummy · 20/01/2010 12:50

I think your friend is NBU and I really wish that I had done the same with my DD and DS.

I have to say that I think my in-laws spoiled my first week with my DD.. They would not leave us alone and would turn up and spend a whole day without bringing food so that DP and I had to cater.

I think babymoons are fantastic, which I had had the balls to do it myself !

Georgimama · 20/01/2010 12:54

I would never have banned people from visiting me, but then everyone I know is reasonable and normal and didn't invade our space. No one came to hospital except DH (I actually would have liked DB and SIL to but hospital is quite a drive from where we both live and they had a six month old baby themselves).

crumpette · 20/01/2010 12:55

Had a horrendous time with visitors after DD was born, people turning up and not leaving until past midnight despite requests after I was falling asleep desperate to get some rest etc etc, family neurotic nightmares ringing around hospitals and visiting immediately. Not once did anyone do anything helpful, like, the washing up or holding the baby while I had a shower or rest. Totally awful experience.

So, DC2 is now 10 days old and I have only told a couple of friends (mostly abroad) and one family member. The rest of my family will flip when they find out DC2 exists, but I really really needed time to recover, get some sleep, get used to bfing again..

Best decision I ever made, am wondering how long I can make it last!