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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about cash wedding gifts

121 replies

Buzzybb · 18/01/2010 00:10

I have been invited to 3 weddings, 2 family members and 1 involving a trip abroad. Two of the invites request cash gifts and one bride has told me that they are using the money given as gifts to pay for their dream wedding so it is a case of asking moer guests to get more money. I am ona budget and can afford a nice gift but really cannot afford cash [When I checked how much should be given was told £ 100 +] am feeling a bit bullied and v cross at being put in a position where I feel guilty, poor and a bit mean as I cannot afford to gve cash What would ye do [1 bride has said straight out she wants cash only]

OP posts:
displayuntilbestbefore · 18/01/2010 00:13

I think it's crass and rude to say you only want cash for your wedding for precisely the reaosns that you are posting - some people may not be able to afford much and giving cash is a specific amount.
I don't see any reason why you can't choose something you think they'd like and give that to them instead. They should be grateful to get something within your budget that would ordinarily show up on a wedding gift list.
Don't feel awkward, you shouldn't be put in that position.

Vallhala · 18/01/2010 00:14

The bride/couple told you that £100+ is the expected amount?

Nooooo! Tell me I've got it wrong, please don't destroy the very last shred of faith in human nature that I had!

displayuntilbestbefore · 18/01/2010 00:14

reasons

displayuntilbestbefore · 18/01/2010 00:16

For the bride who asked for £100+ to be given, quite frankly I would go out of my way to buy something you choose yourself and not even consider how to give a cash gift.

KurriKurri · 18/01/2010 00:20

£100???
I'd advise use of the expression 'in your dreams'

BrahmsThirdRacket · 18/01/2010 00:24

Haha they can fuck right off.

You're getting married - fine. That entitles you to bore on about dresses for hours, take up people's weekends with the actual do and have whatever food you want. But you're not getting paid for it.

SqueezyIsStartinAResolution · 18/01/2010 00:25

No chance. Asking for cash is rude, presumptuous and greedy. Bloody disgraceful to expect guests to contribute to a wedding It is meant to be the couple who put the wedding on for the guests, not the opposite.....and gifts are a bonus.

Buy them tea towels.

Original poster
Buzzybb · 18/01/2010 00:26

Ok I would accept some brides and grooms have financial reasons to ask for cash but why not have the wedding you can afford and look on gifts as a bonous not as a way to pay for the wedding and it is more like £200+ for the family wedding despite that I am making the wedding cake [ That is only my job so no hassle to make it fo free aparently] Am going to wear same dress for all weddings and hope no one notices but am just so cross as am expected to stay in hotel for family wedding it was booked and the bill arrived along with the to do list and no am just a guest not part of the wedding party, So blood is boiling esp as am being told It is their wedding so their choice so fall in line.

OP posts:
SqueezyIsStartinAResolution · 18/01/2010 00:28

You're making their cake too? For free?

Vallhala · 18/01/2010 00:33

And they chose the hotel and booked it, giving you no choice as to what you want or what suits your budget, then sent the bill???

Pass me my smelling salts someone, quickly!

No.

Just that. It may or may not be a complete sentence but grammar isn't important. If you can't handle poor grammar, 'fuck off' should suffice!

Original poster
Buzzybb · 18/01/2010 00:34

Was a chef so make all cakes for weddings Baptisms birthdays etc for family and friends, they are having cup cakes for 200 pink and cream vanilla flavoured and cream and choc flavoured Hopefully will be yummy

OP posts:
Original poster
Buzzybb · 18/01/2010 00:36

Am begining to feel better about being cross, was freaking as was trying to budget for the next 6 months and it kept coming up in the red. Will have to grow a spine

OP posts:
starshaker · 18/01/2010 00:38

I would personally tell them the cake is your gift and they can, well you can decided the last bit for yourself.

Tee2072 · 18/01/2010 06:29

No is, in fact, a complete sentence.

So just say NO!

And if that feels like not enough to say, say 'No, and my god you're a rude cow for a.) mentioning getting gifts at all and b.) dictating what they must be.

ceres · 18/01/2010 07:05

buzzybb - are you irish? the use of 'ye' is a bit of a giveaway!! also the amounts you mention - in ireland money is the most common wedding gift, and a couple usually give 150 - 200 euros. i haven't given an actual present for years....but i find it easier to give money and if buying a present would spend the same amount anyway.

that said, i think it is rude to make any mention of gifts at all. when we got married i didn't send a gift list with the invites, much less ask for money (the thought of it makes me itch!). we got 99% money as gifts and a few actual presents.

for the wedding where you are making the cake - i would tell them that the cake is their present. cakes cost a huuuuuuuge amount of money, far more than the 'standard' cash gift, even in ireland.

for the other two weddings i would buy gifts - something like lovely wine glasses or a silver frame, that most people would like. i would check out the sales - these sort of gift items are usually heavily discounted. alternatively tk maxx often has lovely glasses.

it is nice to have things that are actual wedding presents to look back on down the years - in fact, i spent our cash gifts on 'wedding presents' and when i sent thank you cards i told people what we had bought.

Pancakeflipper · 18/01/2010 07:20

If there is no option but to pay cash to go to a wedding ( I presume you buy an invite?) then I would be picking 1 wedding to go to ( the one I wanted to go to the most) and refusing the others politely.

And anyway as cake maker you should be in there free?

MamaLazarou · 18/01/2010 07:36

Your (very generous) gift is 200 lovingly-made cup cakes. They would be extremely cheeky to ask for anything more, IMO.

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/01/2010 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/01/2010 07:48

Your cake is your gift surely? How dare these people act like this? Any fucker who told me where to stay and demanded £100+ as a gift would get short fucking shrift from me. I had my wedding abroad and anyone who came came by choice, my best and closest friends bought us little gifts but I said no gifts and I really meant it! How cheeky would it be to expect people to pay for my bloody wedding?

thesecondcoming · 18/01/2010 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 18/01/2010 08:00

What these people need is a nice tea cosy!

ceres · 18/01/2010 08:05

yes it is cheeky to ask for money - but if i don't like the invite i don't go, i certainly wouldn't waste my money buying a not-very-good bottle of bubbly. seriously, if you are going to give a gift with bad feeling then why would you accept the invite?

i just can't get worked up about it myself - it is rude to ask for ANY gift yet for some reason a lot of people seem to think sending a gift list with the invite is better than asking for a cash gift.

i also think it is rude to attend and not give a gift. i say either don't go or (and with family it can be difficult to just not go) go and give a NICE gift. it doesn't have to cost a lot - a photo frame, some lovely wine glasses etc.

JaneS · 18/01/2010 08:10

This really gets me cross too. I'm going to a wedding soon and the bride and groom didn't ask for cash - only itemized donations to their honeymoon! Eugh! I would love to tell them to fuck off but it's a bit late now.

Btw - £100? Really? Wow - I gave someone 60 quid last year when she asked for money, now I know why I got a sour look.

I'm getting married and no way would I ask for money, it's a horrible thought.

GibbonInARibbon · 18/01/2010 08:12

My jaw dropped reading this. You are making the cake for free, yet you received a bill for the hotel along with a to do list?
And have been asked to give cash? Not even an amount of your choice?

Beggars belief.

Personally I would say the cake is my gift, if this does not go down well explain that your are charging a nominal fee for the cake, say £100?

ceres · 18/01/2010 08:16

littlered - there is no 'only' about it. £60 is a very generous gift.

in ireland the standard cash gift per couple is 150-200 euros per couple, which is quite excessive. i think this is down to the celtic tiger with people suddenly having more cash weddings became much more lavish affairs. i reckon that the recession will have an effect - both on the size and type of weddings and the gifts given.