about cash wedding gifts

[Buzzybb]

I have been invited to 3 weddings, 2 family members and 1 involving a trip abroad. Two of the invites request cash gifts and one bride has told me that they are using the money given as gifts to pay for their dream wedding so it is a case of asking moer guests to get more money. I am ona budget and can afford a nice gift but really cannot afford cash [When I checked how much should be given was told £ 100 +] am feeling a bit bullied and v cross at being put in a position where I feel guilty, poor and a bit mean as I cannot afford to gve cash What would ye do [1 bride has said straight out she wants cash only]

Posieparker

Posie please please have the spine that I recently didn't have!
My DP is Irish and his brother got married last year in a typical OTT Celtic Tiger affair.

On top of two sets of flights to Ireland which I don't really begrudge it's not their fault DP has moved abroad, we ended up paying an enormous amount of money on wedding related costs. Again fine a family wedding, but two things stand out to me:
We hired a car for the week and knowing we were going to do so BIL rang and asked if we could make it a "nice one" so that it could double up as a wedding car.
Secondly we hired a holiday cottage for the week as DP's parents don't have enough room for us all, and we wanted some privacy and space from the general wedding chaos. When he found this out BIL and SIL decided to stay with us instead and didn't offer us any money towards it.

I would have been more than happy to pay for the house and the car as a contribution to the wedding and then perhaps given them a small token gift. Instead we gave them 400 euros cash on top of this because it's Irish tradition apparently.

What makes it worse in my eyes is that I know I will never have such a lavish ceremony and exploit my family in the same way so will never reap the benefits myself. Instead I am horribly bitter to my BIL and his wife, who are incidently bankers so the cash is a drop in the ocean to them, but noticeable to us.

I think if you stick to your guns Posie you will have a much more lasting relationship with the bride.

lawks

i would go to south africa - won't you regret that one?? and a cousin too.....

as suggested make em pay for the cakes or say that thats the gift

they obviously have dodgy financial ethics but if you like other things about them, i would still go. only one person i invited didn't come to my wedding. ( btw i didn't ask for cash...) it soured our friendship.

sorry meant to say BuzzyB, dont know why I thought OP's name was Posie

I thank yaw!

See I could have had a career with Hallmark!!

Here's one for divorce:

What on earth was in your head?
The day you took that man to wed.
What could you have been really thinking?
Not seeing that that ship was sinking?
Say "goodbye idiot" and feel no remorse,
For happy days you've got your divorce!

Now I'm off to electrocute myself and change some cable on the lights!!!

No worries, I wouldn't give money either!!

Disclaimer: poems are strictly tongue in cheek and not fit for publishing!

'i would go to south africa - won't you regret that one?? and a cousin too..'

do you have any idea how much it costs to travel there from the US and put yourself up?

My cousin is getting married and as her and her partner already live together, they have already told everyone that they can just about pay for the wedding but could every guest go onto one of these websites where you can help pay for the honeymoon as "we'd like a really nice holiday"!!

Wouldnt chuffing everyone?!

And this is why DP and I are planning on paying travel for friends/family coming to the wedding from abroad, as well as subsidising all rooms cos we have chosen a lovely but expensive hotel for the venue, and there are no cheaper options nearby to sleep in.

I have been invited to many weddings which cost me a fortune in travel and accomodation, as well as eating up precious weekends and I don't want to inflict the same worries on friends & family.

Didn't mean to sound so smug, but this choice means we will only be inviting 20-30 people instead of having a big bash which we would do if I didn't live in a different country from all my family! Same budget, but less spending required for friends/family.

By clam Mon 18-Jan-10 09:04:27
Has anyone ever given an ironing board as a wedding gift?

Imagine wrapping it! grin

When I got married to EX in '85 (now divorced) we were setting up home and my lovely Aunt gave me an ironing board and it was wrapped, she had put cardboard folded over the legs. We also had an extendable ladder, wrapped. I still have and use both

When I got married in '98, we had been living together for a while and had a lot of things as we had combined 2 houses but we looked at what might need replacing at that point or in the near future. We sorted out a list with Argos and M&S, then if anyone asked we told them where there were lists but didn't put a note in with invites. Our parents also had a note where the lists were so they could direct people. Yes, we got duplications, I will never run out of teatowels , but they are things that can be used when something else breaks or wears out. Several people also did things like the cake, invites etc. and we made it clear to them we did not expect anything else. In fact we bought little thank you gifts for them.

I refused an invite recently as they were asking for money and made it clear it was expected and we just could not afford it.

Prettybalerina the greed, rudeness, and disgusting behaviour of some people. they exploited you because you were too nice and did not say no feck off. I cant believe some can be like that, nout as queer as folk eh

Buzzy, I also used to be a pastry chef and have a cake decorating business. I made SIL's wedding cake - it was our wedding present to her. I think it's unutterably presumptious of your family to expect you to fork out the money for the cake and then demand you pay £100 for a present and however much it costs to get to the wedding.

People are so expectant it's astonishing.

OP. Your family's requests are crass and thoughtless as many have said. That story has pressed all the buttons. Shockingly insensitive, especially these days when people are budgeting.

Re cakes, I recoiled at the price of traditional cakes, liked the cupcakes fashion but had a Christmas wedding so fancied a load of mince pies.

My dad made them - 360 of them! - it took him two days at home. V special, loved it.

lex - what a dad!

< green with envy >

PosieParker - MN's Poet Laureate! You should seriously start marketing some of those card ideas! I'd buy them!

I went to three weddings in the space of 6 weeks last year, and all of them asked for cash in the invites. DP and I are absolutely brassic AS DP is a self-employed cabinet maker and his work dropped by about 75%, and I was on maternity leave and earning bugger all. We politely told each couple that, while we would love to share their day, we just couldn't afford a cash donation to their honeymoon fund. Out of the three couples two were fine, but one got a bit funny about it and when I had DD2 they basically told me they wouldn't get me a gift as I hadn't given them one! I just smiled and said how lucky it was that we already had everything we needed then.

Some people can be absolute fuckwits sometimes!

Also I cannot believe the audacity of your family to expect you to make the cupcakes AND still give them money! I used to do wedding make-up a while ago, and for friend's wedding presents I have done the make-up for the bride and bridesmaids. There is no way on Earth I'd give a present as well!! The sheer cheek of it!

I can't believe that anyone would put a price on how much they expected as a gift - that is so bad, especially when it is so much! I wouldn't have gone to that. OR I would have gone but only given what I could afford. BUT since you are also doing their cake I would make that their present for sure!

I wonder what happens if you don't front up with the right amount? Are you escorted from the premises? Or are you just blacklisted from family events forevermore? (Possibly not a bad thing if it costs that much!)

I have to say I am even more at prettyballerina's post - that's outrageous!

Hello

I have to admit that we asked for travel vouchers BUT we also made a BIG deal of saying that we expected nothing & would be more than happy just to share the day with people.

We followed it through too - some people gave nothing, others a little, some a lot (I think to expect £100 is crazy the vast majority of our gifts were smaller than this) & some gave a gift instead of vouchers. We were grateful in all cases (the only thing which bugged me was when someone didn't give a card as I wanted to be able to save the cards/messages.

I think it's very rude to 'expect' a gift, & even worse to demand one (which is what it sounds with the bride who only wants cash). A true friend would just want you there to share the day - if that's not the case maybe you shouldn't go.

Good luck! x

Meant to say that as cake maker you should definitely not buy a gift. A friend made our cake & we were extremely grateful, we wouldn't have accepted a gift. In fact we bought her a gift to say thanks. x

As somebody who got married 18 months ago (second time round for both of us) we didnt really need anything on our wedding list

So we suggested if people would like to buy us a gift then John Lewis vouchers would be lovely. Some people were incredibly generous and did give us close to £200, others gave us £5. Wherever possible we made a point of buying one gift with each amount so we couuld thank the donor for the corrsponding gift. We were thrilled with our chicken egg cups (buy one get one free) for £5.

Equally some people didnt buy a present at all and still wrote a thank you note to them to thank them for attending.

I am strongly against cash donations, I think it is wrong to effectively ask people to pay towards the wedding. If you can't afford it, go to a registery office and do it for £100 don't spend thousands and then expect your guests to pay and pay for the bar, new outfit, over night accommodation etc etc.

Put your foot down. Do not allow these people to make you feel bad about not being lavish.

Totally agree with everyone else about the crass, greedy thoughtlessness of demands for money, especially a specific minimum sum .... and in your case, this is even worse given the money, time, effort and care you'll be putting in for their effing cake.

However, if you did feel pressured into giving money on top I'd be inclined to donate it instead to a deserving charity - for example, the Haiti appeal - and give the arrogant up herself bridezilla an envelope containing a short note telling her that said money has gone to someone who really needs it.

hmm... i am planning a big Irish wedding at the mo.

Buzzy - you will tell them that your gift to them is the cake.

I can't believe the cheek of some people!

My own theory on this is that all of my family and friends will be coming a long way for my wedding, so their gift to us will be the fact they're paying out all that money and time to celebrate with me.
i won't want presents from the locals either: if they're desperate to give something then they will be assigned a task (cake/decorating/setting up/doing a reading in the church/serving the "champagne" etc).

and i'm not saying that because "we have everything we need" because we're totally boracic (and would spend any cash gifts on the bloody electricity for example!). i'm saying it because the whole point of a wedding is to celebrate your love and commitment in front of your friends and family.

Tut

I am glad you all agree with me, had it been anybody in my family I would have put my foot down but DP hates confrontation.

We didn't see them over xmas but left a gift with PIL. They didn't get us anything and told MIL it was because they will be coming to stay with us when I've had my baby. Gaaaah!
Luckily DP has found his balls agreed that there is no way we will be putting them up whilst we have a newborn.

I LOVE catsmother's suggestion of a charity donation!

This is proof that Posie and I both have too much free time ;-)

How do I love me? Let me count who pays.
I'll ask all, for the 'wedding of my dreams',
Your purse can spare, when feeling in the seams
For the last pound. For my 'day of days'
I spent thousands on rings, dress and bouquets.
My modest need to see how money gleams
Should not be shouted down by jealous screams
Of mumsnet fools on cupcake baking days.
'More is more' was always my wedding creed.
The tickets are two hundred pounds for two -
I know you'll understand my bridal need.
I love cupcakes: and I deserve them too.
I want them now, with all my childish greed.
If they cost lots, who else should pay but you?