I am bing pathetic to be so upset by this, and is this normal for a primary school?

[Spero]

I appreciate this isn't the most serious of issues, when compared with what is going on elsewhere, but it has really upset me and I would welcome views about whether I should just get a life or this is something a reasonable person would object to.

My daugther is having her birthday party in a few weeks. I initially said we should just invite all her class as I know from experience that most won't even respond, let alone turn up. She got very upset and said some of the little boys were very naughty and she didn't want them to spoil her party.

I asked her Reception teacher (she will be five) if it was ok not to invite all the class as I didn't want people getting upset. Teacher said, no, its her party she can invite who she wants.

I thought fair enough and planned on slipping invites discreetly into school bags at the end of the day but teacher said she would help my daughter give them out at home time.

I thought therefore they would just be discreetly slipped to individuals mums as they left, but I was horrified on Friday to arrive to pick her up to find the children seated in a large circle in front of teacher and my daughter (who was beside herself with joy), grandly bestowing invites on the class.

Those who hadn't got an invitation looked stricken. Two little boys were crying and one came up to me and asked why he hadn't been invited.

I didn't know what to say and felt very upset. I left in a bit of a daze, didn't speak with the teacher, don't know now if I should have done something, or if I'm just being a wimp and children need to know that they are not going to be everyone's friends or invited to every party.

But it just seemed such an unnecessarily public and cruel way to go about it and if that had happened to me when I was five, I suspect I would remember it to this day.

I think the teacher was in the wrong. No child has anything via a 'public display of rejection'. A child should be able to invite who they wish to a party. However public displays of exclusion are not acceptable. Children do have to learn to deal with rejection but it is hardly constructive if it is shouted from the rooftops. The teacher displayed extremely poor judgement.

The teacher was in the wrong- but maybe she is very young. Teachers, and other adults, will always get things wrong-the important thing is that you, as the parent, handle it well. The only person you can control is yourself. Mention it to the teacher by all means, it may stop her doing it again, but taking it up with the Head in OTT .

I assume schools may have policies on the distributing of invites in school time. As others have pointed out - fine to distribute via reading folder if all class invited, not if not. Our school doesn't have this policy as ds has been invited to a party of another class and that whole class hasn't been invited.

I will be sending invites by either email or post for ds's party . However I know if I wanted the teacher to do it she would.

DS's school has a policy. The policy in DS's school is not about parties or about what happens during the party or who to invite.

But their policy is NOT to distribute birthday invitations in the school ground unless all the children are included, why? so that no one feels left out.

Life lessons? These are 5 year olds for goodness sake. This happened to me when I was that age and I still remember. Some kids/people are more sensitive than others.

I would ignore it completely Mojo and hand out the ones that I wanted outside the school grounds! I doubt whether some DCs can even name the whole class-they have a distinct tendency in class to say 'that boy' or 'that girl'!
How would I possibly get 30 children in my small lounge? Are the school proposing to let out their hall free if they make these draconian rules?!

...and this whole thread is why I post party invites.

I will leave you all too it-I'm so pleased that mine are past the stage of party politics! Posting the invitations to the DCs you want, seems the best way to go. Don't involve the school, those not invited won't know and you can have the small, sensible party that you want!

A friend's son's school's policy is that if the invitations are being passed out AT SCHOOL by the school, then it has to be a whole class invite.

I can kind of see friend's school's point. I guess what they don't want is to be fielding questions like: "Why wasn't my son asked,etc etc" and insist people make their own arrangements for parties, etc.

I agree with wannabe. Unfortunately children as little as they are do ask other children if they have a party invite to xxx party and some do ask why they have not been invited.I have always explained to my children that there will be times when they will not be invited to a party and not to get upset and to remember that they do not invite everyone to their parties. Parties are an absolute minefield and I can quite understand why some schools will not have any dealings with them at all. I find Girls especially sometimes take great joy in pointing out that they will not be inviting a certain child to their party and sometimes this can start weeks or even months before the event. Im glad Im now past that stage and have moved on to the special treats /days out with 2 or 3 special friends!

I was wondering the same, cat64 - FGS when DS was in YR I had to do invitations to play via notes that said 'X's mother' delivered via teacher/TA - I didn't have addresses, I couldn't reliably pair child with parent, etc, etc. Albeit with a smaller class, the scenario in DS's school sounds just like yours - no child had the chance or inclination to open whatever was in their book bag until they were out of school.

It is unavoidable, though, that every parent will have the conversation with their DC which starts "but why haven't I been invited to X's party" - that is 'lesson in life' stuff, IMHO - but they shouldn't have to do it following a public handing-out of invitations in class.

(I say this in the certainty that my DD will be every bit as embarrasingly gleeful as the OP's in the same situation - Age 3, she has already learned 'you're not my friend, your're not coming to my party' [blames nursery], but hopefully she will be in a small enough class in YR/Y1 that I can mandate that she invites everyone or just 3-4 and nothing inbetween)

'Children who haven't been invited to a party, haven't been 'excluded' from it, it's just they weren't invited - there's a world of difference.

I only suggested posting because it seems to be such a can of worms when people think that not having an invitation means being excluded or it is harsh. There is a huge world of difference and parents should explain it-not give the poor DC an attitude of entitlement.

cat64
how on earth indeed .Fuck me its complicated but I am extraordinary and clever and go to the land registry and google and.... er........actually every school my children attend or have attended have a class rep type person who collates and gives out the information parents are prepared to release. So for all of them I have addresses, for most I have phone numbers and for some I have emails.

Apart from anything else it means we can get in touch to help each other out in emergency.

I think it is weird not to have that tbh, especially as, if you have weird privacy issues thenn you don't need to give any info at all. Although you would never come to my DDs parties
I don't know why this isn't just the norm

I agree that children are aware who is invited and who is not. However, ds is a child who is never invited and deals with it by trying not to think about it and ignoring it. I would not be at all happy if it was rammed in his face in this way and he was not able to ignore it.

There are loads of reasons for people not putting their addresses on those lists - forces people and diplomatic/security services, for example, are not allowed to IIRC. DS's school recently polled so that they had on record whether or not numbers could be given out to other parents on request/in emergency - the responses were such that they decided it was not worth thinking about publishing a list.

I live in a city and all my brothers and sisters live spread in villages, towns cities all over the country. They all have lists.

Of course certain people will not want to give out any info. And of course certain schools in certain communities ( like the forces) may not be able to implement it. And of course many people have less than structured lives.
But I would genuinely be surprised if this was so totally out of the qustion for the majority of schools to the extent that it seems to generate incredulity that my schools do it.
People seem to manage to have their lives splattered all over facebook but don't want their adddress on a list given to the kids in their 5 year olds class.

I suspect it is a much to do with people not being arsed to do it or being contrary

our dc's school does not allow any lists including lists of childrens names to send christmas cards to. we usually rely on my 6 yr olds memory and normally resort to looking at the class end of year photo to jog our memories if we get stuck once we kept thinking we were one short until i realised it was my own child!

Pag - I only have one school to judge from so far, so definitely not a statistically sound sample!

I have just finished handing out my 5yr old ds invitations with him. Have to admit, it didn't occur to me to ask if there was a 'policy' on parties!! I also didn't know at least 5 of the 10 children who were invited. On arrival at school/pick up when there are lots of people milling around, I just got him to point out one of the kids, and he then either gave invite to the kid or the parent/carer with them. It did take a couple of days to hand them out, but can't say it was a problem.

However, fwiw, I do think this was handled badly by the teacher. It would have been totally reasonable for her to just say that she can't be involved.

hi there spero

my DS is 8 on sat n have old him he is allowed to invite 8 from his class because we have a big family n it still totals to 20ish kids coming..
it was definately wrong of the teacher to do it to infront of the children..
so yes you should speak to the teacher about this i know i would.
my DS hasnt been invited to partys b4 as he was the 'new' kid but theres nothing you can do.. kids need to learn from a young age that they wont be friends with everyone and sometimes they wont get an invite. the children that were upset will get over it hun as its a whole learning curve for growin up. not nice i know but you cant please everyone n all kids unless have the room and money to pay for it all.
If you do feel bad about children missing out.. try buying a box of chocs or sweets for your DD to hand out in class the day before the party. then all kids will be slightly happier.

hope the party goes great and your DD has a wonderful day.

Gosh, when I first read this I was mortified on your behalf and so for the little ones so publicly not invited.

But having read all the replies and all this about party-policies etc I am starting to marvel at how any of us coped with our own school days when surely there were far fewer policies and far less obsession over hurt feelings. Not saying it was necessarily the right way. Just seems like a simpler time... I suppose I did go to a lot of parties so maybe I just wasn't as aware of feeling left out as others might have been. I do know for sure that I only ever invited about half the class to my birthday parties and I don't think anyone gave it much thought.

Is life really so much more fraught with risk for children these days? Are they really so much less stoical than we were? Are parents just over-protective emotional nutcases and teachers wet lettuces?

Not sure...

Anyway, your DD's teacher is a cow to have done that no matter which decade she's teaching in. Just horrible. I'd go in speak to her about it. Would hate to think someone so insensitive was teaching my LO.

at stealth

three kids, 8 schools so far.
But I have never been class rep so I am actually one of the 'can't be arsed' people I moan about ..
[hypocite]

There is no way I'd want my address on a class list,you have no idea who has access to it. They'd basically have your child's name and his address. At our school the teachers would never give any such info out without permission.

I'm personally very happy that my children(6,6 and 5) know they haven't been invited to all the parties as it's part of life. They are soooo not bothered about it,I've never once had tears or even questioning, it's all very matter of fact.

I'm wondering when is the ideal time to let precious Johnny know that things go on which he's not invited to-6,7,8,9. The sooner the better as far as I'm concerned.

Kids need to learn you get what you give out and some people just gel better. Everybody is NOT going to be your friend and adore you like mummy does. The longer you leave it the bigger the upset is going to be when they have to confront it. It will happen,you can't wrap them up in cotton wool forever.

Oh and op did you realise that "retard" is now a completely socially unacceptable word. Nobody uses it anymore as it is extremely offensive.