I am bing pathetic to be so upset by this, and is this normal for a primary school?

[Spero]

I appreciate this isn't the most serious of issues, when compared with what is going on elsewhere, but it has really upset me and I would welcome views about whether I should just get a life or this is something a reasonable person would object to.

My daugther is having her birthday party in a few weeks. I initially said we should just invite all her class as I know from experience that most won't even respond, let alone turn up. She got very upset and said some of the little boys were very naughty and she didn't want them to spoil her party.

I asked her Reception teacher (she will be five) if it was ok not to invite all the class as I didn't want people getting upset. Teacher said, no, its her party she can invite who she wants.

I thought fair enough and planned on slipping invites discreetly into school bags at the end of the day but teacher said she would help my daughter give them out at home time.

I thought therefore they would just be discreetly slipped to individuals mums as they left, but I was horrified on Friday to arrive to pick her up to find the children seated in a large circle in front of teacher and my daughter (who was beside herself with joy), grandly bestowing invites on the class.

Those who hadn't got an invitation looked stricken. Two little boys were crying and one came up to me and asked why he hadn't been invited.

I didn't know what to say and felt very upset. I left in a bit of a daze, didn't speak with the teacher, don't know now if I should have done something, or if I'm just being a wimp and children need to know that they are not going to be everyone's friends or invited to every party.

But it just seemed such an unnecessarily public and cruel way to go about it and if that had happened to me when I was five, I suspect I would remember it to this day.

I completely agree that there are lessons in life from which we shouldn't be shielded and word would have got around about the party soon enough... but the look on the faces of the children who hadn't been invited, it was just horrible. And there was no need for it to have been like that.

I suppose I've posted because I felt it was verging on emotionally abusive and I wanted to know if most would consider this an over reaction. I think most people have agreed with me so far, which at least reassures me my instincts are not unreasonable.

You might not know the parents but your dd knows her friends and could have pointed them out to you or other parents could have helped out by telling you which child belonged to which parent.
Sorry but while I can understand why you're cross at how it was handled, I still think you could have avoided it by sorting it out yourself in the playground before or after school.
As wannaBe says, you won't avoid other children knowing some have been invited to a party and they haven't because children always get excited about a party and will chat amongst themselves but I'd chalk it down as something you've learned doesn't work rather than make an issue of it with the teacher tbh.

That is not to say that I don't agree with you that the teacher's approach was more than unfair.

I feel the same as you OP, I think its wrong for teachers/TAs to give out invitations at school. I do think that you should have asked the TA to pop the invites into book bags, or given them out yourself though.

DS1 is in reception and there have been lots of parties and he has had quite a few invites, but the times he hasn't I have felt very sorry for him, as the parents have handed out invites in the classroom and its obvious when he is being excluded.

I do think parents and schools need to be more thoughtful about this, esp re children who are not invited, it is horrible to feel left out and can create bed feeling and cliques.

sorry, should have made it clear, I am a working parent so it is only pure luck and chance day off I was around on Friday. 90% of time she is picked up by child minder, so it is difficult for me to get to know parents and take responsibility for invites and such stuff.

display that's all very well but what about parents who don't make it into the playground? Or parents that you don't get to see because they for eg have other children in other classes so your paths don't cross.

I don't think it was unreasonable of op to enlist the teacher's help, esp in a reception year where you don't yet know all the parents and cannot reasonably expect a 5 year old to point out the parents of twenty children.

Sorry for banging on, but can I just say again, I didn't enlist the teacher! She offered and I dumbly assumed it would have been discrete.

I was more than happy to pop invites into bags, which would have been far the easiest way than for eg have my daughter running about going o there is X, there is her mummy etc, etc. I doubt I would have been able to deliver more than 2 invites before eveyone had gone.

I am concerned if this was done deliberately as a way of underscoring that not everyone gets invited; an issue which I completely agree that children have to get to grips with, but not in a way akin to bear baiting.

You were being unreasonable even involving the teacher in this.

Book bags are kept in the kids trays a logistical nightmare in my dd's case as they're on the carpet where children generally sit for the last half hour. As an ex rec teacher I wouldn't have been happy to loose my TA for 1/2 an hour either.

My dd is in rec my boys were last year I gave them out to the parents I knew the faces of(you must know a few by now). The couple I couldn't grab I gave to DD. I wouldn't have dreamt of involving the teacher.

I also think it's not the complete end of the world, mine haven't been invited to 1 or 2,they're really not bothered. I explained ages ago that parents can't invite everybody some you go to some you don't-it's life.

I often think it's the parents who are more mortified if their kid doesn't get an invite than the kids themselves. Also there must have been masses of parties last term I think kids get jaded after a few anyway and are less bothered about going to hoards of parties unless it's special friends.

Why did you ask the teacher if it would be ok not to invite all the class?

What if she'd said "no, no, you must invite the entire class, and the dinner ladies.... and where's MY invite whilst we're on the subject?"

Gosh how awful. I don't think life lessons have to be started in reception! If the same thing happened to me I would be speaking to the teacher and the head of year. You have done everything you can to ensure something like this would not happen. The teacher's actions will no doubt mean you and your dd will be viewed somewhat dimly by the parents of the non-invitees. We have a class email and address list so can either email/post invites or distribute them via the teacher at school (done discreetly by the TA putting invites in reading folders).

Ds is in year 1. Last year he had lots of party invites (whole class parties seemed the norm). This year he has had none so far. Either those children haven't had parties this year or, more likely, ds hasn't been invited. He is blissfully unaware, which is the way it should be.

I asked teacher if it was ok not to invite everyone because I didn't know policy. Friends at other schools say its all or nothing. If she had said all or nothing, I would have explained to dd exactly that and promised to 'police' the naughty boys.

Sadly, I know the face of only one other parent, mainly because I only get to pick my dd up once a fortnight, if that.

Bags are on pegs in another room, so would have been very easy for me. I just don't understand why the teacher offered to take over; I didn't ask and certainly didn't expect her to.

I think this just emphasises why the school should have a clear policy that they explain in advance; they were quick enough to send out a letter about party bags, so I find the whole thing very weird.

Dolly I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask the teacher what is the norm in the reception class. Unless you have the luxury of doing the school run and getting to know other parents you really don't know what is the normal expectation.

Also I gave mine out over several days as did the other mums, far easier than a huge pile in one go.

You never know the teacher may have forgotten due to her errrr being up to her eyes in teaching so handing them out like that could have been her only option. She may have been concerned that you'd be cross if they weren't given out.

Never involve your dc's teacher in something so trivial as a party, they have way too much to do re admin let alone teaching as it is. As a mum I'd far rather my dd's teacher could concentrate on teaching and getting kids out safely at the end of the day than handing out a few party invites discretely.

No-one knows everybody when your child has just started school - and inviting the class or at least all the girls or all the boys is a great way to meet the parents you don't know and it also shows the children that your child is friendly and not excluding anyone which bodes well for future friendships as well as your relations with other parents.

IME parties in Reception are often bigger to avoid the very thing you have experienced - children being excluded at the age of 5 when they haven't even formed established friendship groups anyway. Yes, it's more expensive and yes it's more work (see it as a baptism of fire for a new parent of a school age child)but the children are still getting to know one another, they don't know that the people they play with this year might not feature as much by the time they get to Y1, and you can look forward to a smaller guest list from Y1 onwards!

I think it was very cruel for those poor kids, but they would have just been as upset the next day when the invited children spoke of it. So IMO YABU you have to take responsibility for those children feeling excluded and rejected not the teacher.

Surely you could have given them to whoever picks up your dd. I'm a childminder and would do this happily.

God it's not the end of the world,most 5 year old boys I know would rather die than go to a girly party anyhow.

Talk about mollycoddling kids - so they didn't get an invite big deal. We really do wrap kids up in cotton wool too much these days. When I was a kid we only had tea parties,I'm sure I didn't get invited to them all and I certainly wasn't damaged by it.

Rec kids have far bigger things to worry about like the scary loos and the big kids in the corridors.

MilaMae, I'd love to know where I've given yo the impression that I think it is ok to 'involve' my child's teacher in this way. She dived straight in and involved herself!

I wouldn't dream of using a teacher as my social secretary but I don't think it is OTT to expect the school to have a policy about this kind of thing and to hand out invites so publicly just seems downright cruel and weird. Plus, very time intensive for the teacher concerned.

My child minder is in exactly the same boat as me; she doesn't have a clue who anyone is. lots of parents don't speak English at all or very well, which also makes it hard to get to know people. I have smiled at a few people but that is it.

Maybe I should have planned enough in advance to give out two invites a day, but I can barely organise myself to get the lunch box packed, so that was never going to happen.

MM, you weren't there and you didn't see the looks on their faces. It was completely unnecessary and cruel. They weren't invited and everyone else saw they weren't invited.

I am the last one to be a wimp about mollycoddling children, but I do draw the line at deliberate and unnecessary unkindness.

I don't think you're being fair by being critical of the teacher or school,party invites really aren't part of the job description.

MM - the emotional well being of children in the class are very much a part of the job description.

Being able to teach children how to behave with one another, not to bully etc also in job description.

as I said earlier, i am now worried about what else is being so badly handled.

But you didn't give her detailed instructions on how to distribute them or even do it yourself so IMO you can't really winge about it, maybe your just feeling guilty because it was you and your daughters decision to exclude that caused the upset NOT the teacher YOU!.

Ok, it seems to be about 75% this was crap and I should say something to school/teacher, with other views being that yes I am a wimp and/or I should have not expected to hand out all invites in one go, which I admit is not something I ever even considered.

thanks all, thats been really helpful and anyway lesson learned for the future, just put them in the bloody bags and go home.