I am bing pathetic to be so upset by this, and is this normal for a primary school?

[Spero]

I appreciate this isn't the most serious of issues, when compared with what is going on elsewhere, but it has really upset me and I would welcome views about whether I should just get a life or this is something a reasonable person would object to.

My daugther is having her birthday party in a few weeks. I initially said we should just invite all her class as I know from experience that most won't even respond, let alone turn up. She got very upset and said some of the little boys were very naughty and she didn't want them to spoil her party.

I asked her Reception teacher (she will be five) if it was ok not to invite all the class as I didn't want people getting upset. Teacher said, no, its her party she can invite who she wants.

I thought fair enough and planned on slipping invites discreetly into school bags at the end of the day but teacher said she would help my daughter give them out at home time.

I thought therefore they would just be discreetly slipped to individuals mums as they left, but I was horrified on Friday to arrive to pick her up to find the children seated in a large circle in front of teacher and my daughter (who was beside herself with joy), grandly bestowing invites on the class.

Those who hadn't got an invitation looked stricken. Two little boys were crying and one came up to me and asked why he hadn't been invited.

I didn't know what to say and felt very upset. I left in a bit of a daze, didn't speak with the teacher, don't know now if I should have done something, or if I'm just being a wimp and children need to know that they are not going to be everyone's friends or invited to every party.

But it just seemed such an unnecessarily public and cruel way to go about it and if that had happened to me when I was five, I suspect I would remember it to this day.

As a teacher myself, I would probably have offered to help a 5-year-old who can't yet read hand out her party invitations. I would like to think I'd have done so more sensitively e.g. let the birthday girl put them in bookbags with the TA, let the others go home and keep the invited children behind for a moment to receive their invite or come up with something that would mean they could be given their invites without the others feeling devastated that they'd been left out and that I, their teacher, appeared to be part of the conspiracy.

Yes, we have a ton of other things to do but no, it's not unreasonable to hope that a teacher who was kind enough to volunteer to help would be kind enough to do so in a more sensitive way.

OP, I wouldn't worry too much. Make sure your daughter is able to give a kind response if she's asked by uninvited children why they can't come. I got my 5 year old to explain that, "Mummy said there was only room for X children and I had to write a list... if someone can't come there might be space for you". It was true and a couple of children couldn't make it so 'reserves' were invited (there were only 9 guests). What you don't want is your daughter saying, "I told Mummy that you are really naughty/smelly/rude and she said she doesn't like naughty/smelly/rude children so she said you can't come"!?!

Good luck!

OP, I´m confused as to why you didn´t hand out the invitations when you collected.

Sorry but I think it´s hilarious that you asked the teacher if it was OK not to invite the whole class.

Can´t people think for themselves anymore?

I didn´t invite/want the whole class at my parties, therefore I assume it´s OK for my children not to want/invite the whole class!

This has never been an issue in my school, it's just understood that birthday children invite their special friends to their party. And the parents explain this to their uninvited children as part of how the world works, that it's not a personal insult excluding them from paradise.
Teacher obviously misjudged the situation in her class. She won't again. The invites are the responsibility of the parent or child depending on age.

YAB a little U , especially to call the teacher fuckturd!

the teacher offered to help give them out for several probable reasons, 1. she can't let parents go through other childrens book bags 2. your daughter couldnt read all the names 3. she was being nice!

I would have asked my TA to pop them in book bags if I had remembered since that would have been more discrete. However, a million and one things happen in the classroom and its likely that your dd piped up and reminded her at the last minute, she didnt want to leave it til monday and saw this as the easiest way.

You also say the teacher was aware that not everyone was invited? How far between telling her this and giving her the invites was there? I, as a parent would have said "oh yes thanks please do help her, but there isnt one for everyone so maybe not infront of the whole class". (tip, teachers are human too and forget things people have said)

I allow children to give out invites at registration, and if anyone makes a fuss about not having one I always just say "oh well, neither has .... I expect you'll get invited to another party never mind" They have to learn that they arent going to be everyones friend, part of life IMO.

oh and the uninvited children would have been aware they werent invited one way or another - children talk about birthday parties at school.

My dd (in reception) has a party next week and she's inviting about half her class. It's at a soft-play place and there's no way I could afford to invite everybody, nor would I want to as dd shouldn't have to invite children she doesn't get on with at all. It's her special day after all.
The arrangement at her school is that you send the invitations in in their book bags and then the TA sorts them into the relevant bags to go home with the party invitees. She goes through the bags everyday anyway, fishing out dinner money/ reply slips and putting in letters.
If I was giving out invitations on the playground, it would be a lot more obvious that some were being left out. Plus the school has an after-school club, so I wouldn't see some of the parents at all.

I think that it is a problem when people insist on having whole class parties and DCs get the idea that they should go to parties. Asking the teacher if it was OK not to have the whole class seems bizarre-it is your party-even if everyone has the whole class there is no need for you to follow!
However, it was done badly-I rather think that schools should refuse to have anything to do with party invitations-it is a mine field these days!

YABU

You let the teacher do it, she did what she did, giving your daughter some responsibility.

You just have to suck it up. If parents have an issue with their child not being invited it's tough.

YANBU

The teacher offered to do it and then reduced 1/3 of her class to tears, an obvious consequence of effectively lining them all up and getting your DD to go down the line saying "I like you" "I don't like you" "you can have a treat" "You can't".

I am quite amazed that the teacher thought this was a good plan TBH.

How did she react with a load of sobbing children? i wonder why she didn't call it a day once she realised what was going to happen and stick the rest in teh bags or sometihng.

It would never have crossed my mind to ask the teacher who should be invited let alone give them invites to distribute. Teachers and TA's barely get a moment to stop let alone the time to play social secretaries for mums. With regards to putting invites into bookbags, parents would never be allowed to do this at our school as the bags should be private.

Inviting two thirds seems a little random and I'm not surprised that some felt left out, most people either do whole classes or invite 3 or 4 special friends over for tea.

Seeing the majority of the class get an invite whilst they didn't must have been upsetting. Whilst most seem to think its a life lesson and I'm sure I'm in the minority, they are still so young and easily hurt by things.

I think learning to be mindful of other people's feelings IS part of a child's education so the teacher handled it badly.

The teacher handled this shockingly badly. FFS it's one thing that the children who aren't invited are going to get to know about it - fair enough, that is a lesson in life. But to have them all sit there like X Factor contestants while your daughter passes round bestowing her favour on the chosen ones is just bloody ludicrous.

But then I think big parties for children are bloody ludicrous anyway, because of this kind of thing. Can anyone say in all honesty that this sort of thing is fun? The invites have only just gone out and it's already provoked a diplomatic incident. Wait till someone gets a bigger party bag than someone else - all hell will break loose. You'll need a UN peace keeping team.

What an absolute dumb ass that teacher is!! FGS!! She may as well made an annoucement saying "x,y and Z you sit over there in the reject group and A,B and C you are off to a lovely party"

Saying that though this "must invite the whole class" palaver really winds me up!! I have NEVER EVER in all the schools my kids have attended invited the whole class.

My children have remained as popular as they always have (not meaning they are uber popular but they have not sufferd as a result) and I have NEVER had any parent say anything to me nor have I been aware of any antagonism towards me because of it.

I am quite oldfashioned traditional in that until this past year(because the kids have outgrown it) we have always had a Birthday Tea Party with games in our house. None of the houses we have lived in have been big by anyones standards. One or 2 of them were matchbox sized! I have always had a maximum of 10 (8 or 9 from the class) then my 2 DDs. I have done this even when they ere in classes of only 14. One year I only invited 6 children because I had no help.

Its a fact of life for all of us from the day we are born we will not be welcome everywhere we want to go. Whether its because people dont like you, there is not enough room, costs, health and saftey or whatever. I think kids have to learn this from the very start but there are ways and means and not like this teacher has done.

Even if the invites had been handed out discreetly kids would still know because kids brag and they do chat amongst themselves. Children would have learnt they were not invited in a less blatent manner than the one you describe!! There may still have been upset no doubt but perhaps not quite the feeling of being in the "reject pile" as this teacher has created!!

I would not be handing out any more invites.

I agree with most of what slummymummy has said.
YANBU-what a strange way of handing out invites.
School parties are full of angst from start to finish imho.

Wonderful post Georgimama!
I agree with all of it. Schools should have a blanket ban on having anything to do with parties and save the angst!

This is ridiculous. Get some perspective FGS. Why don't you watch some coverage of what is going on in the World at the moment and then decide if in the grand scheme of things this is really that important.

You asked if you were being pathetic and yes, after some of your later comments you really are OP.

Yes, thanks for that BooHoo I think the OP and everyone else on MN is well aware that this might not be the biggest deal in the world. I gave £50 to the Haiti appeal yesterday - does that buy me the right to talk about trivia now?

My salutations.
Your donation has nothing to do with a sense of perspective.

This won't have been the first time that the party invites were handed out this way seeing as other children would have had birthday parties all through the autumn term. Perhaps the teacher under-estimated the op's dd being beside herself with joy, grandly bestowing invites. I think it would be this aspect of the situation that would have upset the uninvited children.

No it doesn't. I think the OP and everyone else has a sense of perspective.

What is your suggestion - that no one should fret about their child's party, shop, have sex, watch telly, or do anything remotely flippant or frivolous because something tragic has happened somewhere else? It's tragic, it's horrible. We think about it, and then we get on with our little lives, because that's how life works. In case you hadn't noticed there are women discussing Boden dresses and other women discussing losing childen on this board, right this very minute. Room for both.

BooHoo. What are you even doing reading this thread if you are so consumed with the Haiti disaster...?

For what it's worth, I think the teacher sounds a bit insensitive and if she was so very busy busy busy why say she would help?

Kids' parties are nowt but trouble. Get your dd to choose 2 friends and then take them all out somewhere for the day instead. Much simpler.

BooHoo not sure you should be posting on MN if you are so consumed with what has happened in Haiti. Your post is offensive and pointless.

"Dolly I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask the teacher what is the norm in the reception class. Unless you have the luxury of doing the school run and getting to know other parents you really don't know what is the normal expectation".

I've never felt the need to ask the advice of my children's teachers with regard to something that is nothing to do with school.

This is possibly because I don't feel a desperate need to do things because it is the "norm", but also because we've always had to do everything on a budget, so the option of inviting the entire class has not been an issue.

And even if it was, I STILL wouldn't ask the teacher!

ROFL at the school run being a luxury though.

Hi Spero,

What a nightmare- I would also have been really upset. As you say, this sort of experience can stay with kids for a while. But not usually forever one hopes. It is not quite as bad as consistently being picked last for netball team which I saw happen at my primary (and probably still does!). Why don't these teachers ask those consistenly picked last to be the team leaders? Obvious really..

The plus here is that you have discovered this teacher's unsubtle and crass way of managing a situation which is probably going to happen again. So one way of assuaging your woes would be to take the right steps to prevent it becoming a regular thing. Think of it that you are doing it for the children and so it must be done!

Be brave and speak to the teacher or, if you really, really can't face it write her a note. If she proves unpleasant, escalate it to the Head.

All the very best,
Melanie

Let it go. Next time don't get a five year old and a teacher to organise your party using chinese whispers.